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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that DH should have invited me?

439 replies

AVY1 · 22/07/2017 19:13

This is such a weird thing to be asking isn't it?!

DH went to visit a friend this weekend so they could go to a National Park. I've just found out that the friends partner travelled down with DH. At no point in the past two weeks has he mentioned that she was going or ask me to come too.

I've got no problem with him doing things on his own but these are both of our friends and it's just so weird.

All he's said is he thought my work would be awkward and he didn't know where DD would go. But that doesn't make sense because DD is with his parents this weekend (and she could have come with us anyway) and I'm literally at home, not working, doing DIY. (That he was supposed to have done two days ago so that I could paint today)

He's definitely with the friend as have seen pics. And also I know there isn't an affair going on. So I've been deliberately excluded. In the same text where I asked why he hadn't asked me to come he also said he didn't want to deal with this right now. Which suggests he knows he's been a shit, realised the girlfriend had sent me pics, knew what I'd be upset and has just rattled off the excuse he'd sold himself over such a bizarre lie by omission.

AIBU?

(Also , it's somewhere I'd asked if we could go to over the summer as I've always wanted to!)

OP posts:
Original poster
AVY1 · 22/07/2017 20:43

I think he is hiding something. We're always straight about this kind of thing and everything else - unless he hasn't been and I've been blindly believing him.

OP posts:
MyOtherProfile · 22/07/2017 20:46

Goodness you're very chilled about this. I'd be really upset.

CouldntMakeThisShitUp · 22/07/2017 20:48

I think you minimise too much OP.
It's good to be relaxed and laid back but in balance.

DH has a chronic case of good intentions - and you allow that as an excuse?
He can prioritise other things over a promised birthday treat - over a year - and then do this?

what is he like when you do have differences of opinion or an argument?

I'd be extremely pissed off, so what if he doesn't 'want' to deal with it right now - i'd have been very blunt in my reply "what the fuck are you playing at?!"

did you talk about the decorating last night?

Even if he is a moody person this takes the piss big style.

CaffeineBomb · 22/07/2017 20:48

It does sound strange. I would be pretty cross. I'm glad your friends are making the fact they're annoyed known

Original poster
AVY1 · 22/07/2017 20:49

I feel rather wound up for me! Part of it is because I can't do anything about it until he's actually home/decides to ring me back.

OP posts:
SomeKnobend · 22/07/2017 20:53

His "I don't want to deal with this right now" sounds like he's planning to split up on his return. Unless he means he doesn't want to deal with it at all, he'd like to do whatever shit stuff he wants and you to just put up with it, iron his pants, look after dd and generally be a facilitator to his life, not a partner.

Original poster
AVY1 · 22/07/2017 20:54

I didn't even know he hadn't done the bits I needed him to do until I went to start painting today. And I was clear about how pissed off I was about that when I spoke to him this morning (when he still didn't mention that GF was there too!)

Our arguments are usually pretty civilised. We're both good at seeing each other's POV and compromising etc.

The good intentions thing is definitely not something I'm okay with. PIL back me up on that one a lot which helps too!

OP posts:
caffeinestream · 22/07/2017 20:58

I don't think he's going to split up with you, by any means.

It sounds like he wants some space and that he doesn't want to talk about it with you at the moment - maybe he knows if he rings/texts and is forced to explain his actions it would end in a row?

Idk, his behaviour is shit and unpleasant but I think jumping straight to "he's going to end things' is a bit extreme!

becausebecausebecause · 22/07/2017 20:59

He sounds like a selfish arse. The lack of Birthday present from last year and setting off for a mountain climb on his own terms, leaving you to do the DIY, including the jobs he failed to do. Tosser. I doubt it's an affair, his sort is too wrapped up in their own happiness to want to pursue someone else. I would be livid though. If he likes alone time so much, I'd show him yards and yards of the stuff.

timeisnotaline · 22/07/2017 21:01

You are entitled to be quite angry about this 1. Not doing what he promised on the diy (basically expecting you to do it- do you do all the shit work? 2. Not inviting you on a trip to somewhere he knew you wanted to go 3. Not inviting you on a trip when you are free and mutual friends are going 4. Deliberately lying to mutual friends about where you were 5. Refusing to talk . I'm glad your friends have your back, I'm wondering if you have a history of being 'laid back' about being treated badly? I would assume he conversation when he comes home is about splitting up and treat him accordingly- it's either correct or the shock he deserves. And decorate the bedroom however you like - if you do all the work you make the choices is my standard rule in our marriage anyway.

MyPatronusIsAUnicorn · 22/07/2017 21:03

My messsge would say "why the fuck have you gone and done something I said I wanted to do, told friends I was working when I wasn't and generally been underhanded about this whole sodding day? What is it that you are hiding? Oh and friends are on to you, they thought I'd be there snd are disappointed I'm not, I'm waiting for your explanation you shit."

Original poster
AVY1 · 22/07/2017 21:07

I had to put in skirting board. Including cutting the corners! Thank goodness for YouTube!

And no, there's not a history of being treated badly. He's (usually) a kind and gentle soul and we had been friends for a long time before we got together.

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WingsofNylon · 22/07/2017 21:08

This really is odd. And i fully understand why you are annoyed but calm, not much you can do until he decides to engage. Hopefully you will get a call soon.

I do think that from time to time people, even nice normal people, act out of character sometimes. For me it is all about how they try to put it right.

ajandjjmum · 22/07/2017 21:08

How far away is the place they are staying?

Original poster
AVY1 · 22/07/2017 21:08

He's five hours away!

OP posts:
Original poster
AVY1 · 22/07/2017 21:10

Thanks Wings, I agree completely!

But am also taking on board other advice too.

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ginnystonic · 22/07/2017 21:16

So he is staying over at friends house? (Or hotel / b&b) And they have gone out without him?

That also seems a bit odd (was it a change of plan?)

Did they suggest leaving him or did he I wonder. Also, if he is alone this evening what is he doing and why hasn't he called you?

Cuckingfunt1981 · 22/07/2017 21:17

Hope he has got a good bloody reason for his shit like behaviour when he returns home xx

ButtMuncher · 22/07/2017 21:22

Seems totally bizarre. I hope you get to the bottom of it Flowers

Original poster
AVY1 · 22/07/2017 21:23

Ginny, he is at friends. They were going to do a BBQ tonight but when friends found out that he'd lied about ever asking me they decided they'd leave him alone and go out for meal instead. So he can be lonely and bored. I'm not sure if they've told him that they know or not.

OP posts:
user1498748955 · 22/07/2017 21:25

Can you call the gf? Maybe he's said something to them, might be better than waiting for him to eventually call you back

QueenArseClangers · 22/07/2017 21:26

Could he have planned this as a very elaborate way of getting out of doing DIY?
Is he a lazy shit? Does he procrastinate? Does he do things like nip to the shop for milk and end up coming back 2 hours later to get out of doing family chores etc. ?

ajandjjmum · 22/07/2017 21:31

If it was me AVY, I'd speak to the gf to clear it, and then drive up there. But I don't mind driving. Grin We all handle things differently, but I am in awe of your self-control. Hope you get a sensible answer eventually, and it is purely a blip!

Fontella · 22/07/2017 21:32

I would be absolutely fucking fuming if this was me. Amazed at your restraint and contained response. I would tear the fucker a new one if it were me. What possible excuse can he have for such utterly shit bizarre behaviour and leaving you doing the decorating and all? Just jaw dropping!!!

Stardustandicecream · 22/07/2017 21:35

How do you know he's on his own and the friends went out for dinner?
I doubt very much he's sat there on his own in their house!
I jumped to breaking up because of my husband pulled this stunt he'd know I'd be dumping him! This isn't something normal people do without wanting to upset their partners