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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that DH should have invited me?

439 replies

AVY1 · 22/07/2017 19:13

This is such a weird thing to be asking isn't it?!

DH went to visit a friend this weekend so they could go to a National Park. I've just found out that the friends partner travelled down with DH. At no point in the past two weeks has he mentioned that she was going or ask me to come too.

I've got no problem with him doing things on his own but these are both of our friends and it's just so weird.

All he's said is he thought my work would be awkward and he didn't know where DD would go. But that doesn't make sense because DD is with his parents this weekend (and she could have come with us anyway) and I'm literally at home, not working, doing DIY. (That he was supposed to have done two days ago so that I could paint today)

He's definitely with the friend as have seen pics. And also I know there isn't an affair going on. So I've been deliberately excluded. In the same text where I asked why he hadn't asked me to come he also said he didn't want to deal with this right now. Which suggests he knows he's been a shit, realised the girlfriend had sent me pics, knew what I'd be upset and has just rattled off the excuse he'd sold himself over such a bizarre lie by omission.

AIBU?

(Also , it's somewhere I'd asked if we could go to over the summer as I've always wanted to!)

OP posts:
BewareOfDragons · 22/07/2017 20:18

Whatever is going on, he's handled it very, very badly. And he owes you an explanation and an apology. I just hope they're good enough.

thebigbluedustbin · 22/07/2017 20:19

A bit strange. At the very least he could have told you that he wanted to have a weekend away without you. I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting time with friends without your spouse (whether they are mutual friends or not), but to lie about it to you and the friends is not right.

Original poster
AVY1 · 22/07/2017 20:20

Thanks raspberry - he knows I'm relaxed about nearly everything too. Life's too short and all that. Think I am getting a bit angry now though.

OP posts:
Original poster
AVY1 · 22/07/2017 20:21

No bigblue - and we do both do stuff independently whether it's with mutual friends or not. that is why this has thrown me.

OP posts:
PuppyMonkey · 22/07/2017 20:21

Can you just send a text saying you're not cross, you're just worried and you want to speak?

(I would be very cross myself but hey ho).

Meeep · 22/07/2017 20:22

You should be angry, it's somewhere you wanted to go, he's excluded you from that. It's weird!

Jedimum1 · 22/07/2017 20:23

Imperial I'm only suggesting it because OP says everything is brilliant and they have no issues. The gf sent a picture of them together and said she missed the op, not something you'd do when it's an affair... Unless you are thinking the affair is with s third unknown person. But then I'd also think that OP's husband would be making an effort to hide and excuse his reasons, not just not answering the phone and say earlier that doesn't want to discuss it now. Hence why I thought that maybe there's some good intention there and after being caught doesn't know how to respond without blowing the cover. I think a cheater is good at lying and always has an excuse planned.

Original poster
AVY1 · 22/07/2017 20:25

If there was a third person I don't know how he would have fitted in the time. Drive is all accounted for. Categorically know it's not the girlfriend. And they were supposed to be having a barbecue tonight so can't see how he would have guessed they'd leave him alone to see someone.

OP posts:
ginnystonic · 22/07/2017 20:26

You seem intent on remaining 'laid back' and 'easy going' about this.

You are entitled to be hurt, you have been actively excluded by the person who is supposed to love, cherish and include you the most.

And as for the birthday present....I think it's time you started talking to DH about your real feelings.

Mustardnowletsnotbesilly · 22/07/2017 20:27

Very strange OP, something very much going on... Blokes always hide when they have been bad or when they are about to be. The "I don't want to deal with this now" is selfish and rude and thoughtless.

peekyboo · 22/07/2017 20:28

It's a cowardly and cruel thing to do, especially as he expected to enjoy himself with them having lied about why you weren't there. This isn't just one odd random act, he's not gone without an excuse for you.

He's planned to go without you and have a jolly time as if nothing is wrong. Unfortunately you being honest with your friend has put a spanner in the works.

Cue either a self-righteous rant from him as to why it's your fault or him pretending it didn't happen when he calls you tonight.

Gemini69 · 22/07/2017 20:28

I've got nothing to add lovely.. just wanted to say.. Your very calm and yes it's very baffling Flowers Bear Brew x

Original poster
AVY1 · 22/07/2017 20:29

No not intent. I am hurt but also concerned that I've missed something that's troubling him. I do want to send him a message but not quite sure what to say. And he certainly knows how I feel about the birthday present. That's been brought up regularly over the past few weeks.

OP posts:
DudeHatesHisCarryOut · 22/07/2017 20:30

Definitely very, very weird. I think you should insist on going this summer. He knew you wanted to and this weekend would have been the perfect opportunity. The fact he decided not to invite you is not your problem. I honestly think you should make sure you go, very soon.

Original poster
AVY1 · 22/07/2017 20:30

I can't believe he wouldn't have known I'd be honest with friend. Maybe he didn't think about her making it clear that she and her partner thought I was coming too.

OP posts:
sonjadog · 22/07/2017 20:30

I can´t think of a good excuse for this one. There isn´t really any way this is an okay thing for him to do. I hope you get a straight answer from him soon.

Original poster
AVY1 · 22/07/2017 20:33

Thank you all for agreeing it's weird and not ok though. I wasn't sure if I was taking it too personally and should just let it go. I sometimes doubt my ability to not over/under react to unusual situations.

OP posts:
NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 22/07/2017 20:35

Are you sure her husbands there?

Original poster
AVY1 · 22/07/2017 20:35

Yes. He was in the pictures too.

OP posts:
peekyboo · 22/07/2017 20:36

He probably factored in what he'd say, along with assuming they'd accept it and didn't occur to him that your friend would be right on the phone to you. Your letting the friend know wasn't in his script.

I don't want to be cruel but for your longer term plans it's worth realising that this was planned and worked out, not a spur of the moment thing. Whatever his reasons, he planned this.

Riversleep · 22/07/2017 20:38

I think it sounds more like he wants to get into her knickers and she wants nothing to do with it. It sounds like the girlfriend is mightily pissed off that you aren't there, especially as they have left him at home and gone out as a couple.

MsWanaBanana · 22/07/2017 20:40

Agree with most of the comments that something sounds off. Why wouldn't he just tell you straight if he needed some time away? We all need space once in a while. When men lie about the little things it makes you wonder what else they're hiding

Bobbins43 · 22/07/2017 20:41

Good intentions need to be backed up with good actions too. And you sound lovely.

Take yourself out for your birthday? And do something nice? I'd say you deserve it

ginnystonic · 22/07/2017 20:41

It sounds like whatever his reason was, he hasn't thought it through and has his head firmly in the sand. Also, as he is 'putting off' talking to you about this it seems he is in denial that he is at fault here.

Hiding from the fact he excluded you, or avoiding talking about it to you will not make the hurt go away. It will give you time, however, to decide how and what to say.

Definitely approach this as someone who is hurt rather than angry, as any anger will probably be dismissed as unreasonable (even though completely justified!)

thefourgp · 22/07/2017 20:41

I wouldn't bother texting. You've tried calling and he's not answering so clearly doesn't want to communicate with you right now. I'd wait until you can talk properly and he can't take time to come up with some bullshit answers to any questions you have. You're more likely to get the truth that way. It sounds like he wanted some time away without you but there could be many reasons for that. Don't accept any crappy excuses if they don't sound genuine. You deserve the truth. His actions have been deceptive and hurtful. Lying by omission is still lying. X