To think that DH should have invited me?

[AVY1]

This is such a weird thing to be asking isn't it?!

DH went to visit a friend this weekend so they could go to a National Park. I've just found out that the friends partner travelled down with DH. At no point in the past two weeks has he mentioned that she was going or ask me to come too.

I've got no problem with him doing things on his own but these are both of our friends and it's just so weird.

All he's said is he thought my work would be awkward and he didn't know where DD would go. But that doesn't make sense because DD is with his parents this weekend (and she could have come with us anyway) and I'm literally at home, not working, doing DIY. (That he was supposed to have done two days ago so that I could paint today)

He's definitely with the friend as have seen pics. And also I know there isn't an affair going on. So I've been deliberately excluded. In the same text where I asked why he hadn't asked me to come he also said he didn't want to deal with this right now. Which suggests he knows he's been a shit, realised the girlfriend had sent me pics, knew what I'd be upset and has just rattled off the excuse he'd sold himself over such a bizarre lie by omission.

AIBU?

(Also , it's somewhere I'd asked if we could go to over the summer as I've always wanted to!)

I don't think the friends keeping some distance is necessarily a red flag. They went out of their way to make it clear to the OP they were not complicit in the DH's plan to keep the trip secret and are likely mortified at being dragged in to such close involvement. I wonder whether they picked up on the DH's unreasonable annoyance at them taking some couple time for themselves too.

I understand that OCD can manifest itself in this way but also suspect he's still trying to duck the unreserved apology he is aware he needs to give you.

You made changes you had to make OP. Expecting a partner to listen to an hour's moaning about work every day for years without doing anything about it isn't reasonable and seven years living in a building site far too long. You need to keep going on decisively as you are for your DD's sake as well as your own, time will tell if he can change his behaviour and also take more responsibility for himself and his actions.

Him staying at his parents for a while could be a good idea if it's an option, you clearly need to return home with DD to get on with things in the house and your summer job. Be prepared for the waiting list to be long if the GP refers him.

Bless you, AVY - your DH and DD are lucky to have you.

In brief, I think much has stemmed from a fear of wanting things, whether work or home, to be perfect so it has been easier to leave things unfinished or unresolved so that perfect always seems around the corner.

The impact of me getting on with things has made him face up to the reality that outside of our relationship, the external parts as it were, have been making him miserable.

This rings very true to me. Once denial and other sources to "blame" are taken away, then you have to look inwards and maybe that's not pretty, as you rightly point out.

My DH went through something a bit like this. We are out the other side, stronger. I wish you both all the very best.

Avy - you sound AWESOME! I love how self-aware you are and how you are able to look at DP as a whole and establish what you want and where you will and won't compromise. Life isn't perfect. It is tough, boring, painful and sometimes we just exist while it passes us by. And that is NORMAL. Your love and respect for your DP are obvious, as are your boundaries. While where you are at now sucks (yes, I have been there - and so has my husband) these are the make or break situations in relationships that we all hear about. Sounds like you have what it takes to get a positive outcome!

lanouvelleheloise my exDH was exactly like that and I breathed a sigh of relief when he left. Useless arse.

I don't have any insightful input but have read your posts Avy and read / skimmed all your replies. You sound incredibly level headed and I get the impression your relationship has been an open and honest one which has hit a bit of a wall recently. I may be naive and don't want to in any way devalue the stories of posters who found themselves in a similar scenario which ended badly but this reads to me like a problem outside of the relationship which can be overcome with the right help and you are dealing with this in the right way. I sincerely hope that everything gets sorted out for you but from the little I have seen on here I am confident that you will do the right thing for you and your daughter, and will have local / family support whatever the outcome.

Oh I smell a big old rat here. OCD just isn't cutting it. He has played a blinder though, getting the parents on board and now seeing the GP. Seems to have found his mojo now that you have called him out.

IDo - I think about that sense of relief now, and I just feel happy!

Here's the thing that worries me about the OP. I was basically her. I thought that I could find a calm, rational, patient, sensible way through the problem. I would do exactly the thing she did- try to meet the unreasonable, selfish behaviour with forgiveness, love and tolerance. I was the one desperately trying to talk, to understand, to smooth over disagreements, to give room for his MH issues. And all of it was SUCH an emotional burden to carry. When I found out about the EA, in a way it was a relief because I felt like it gave me permission to act in a way that secured my own happiness instead of being so considerate all the time. But, looking back, I realise what a mistake that was. Everyone always has the right to self-determination, and if a relationship is that onerous (and you only realise how difficuilt it is after it has ended), it is time to walk.

sounds like he's flinging things to the wall to see what will stick.

People often do that when they're desperately unhappy and confused about the reasons why. It's not easy to come face-to-face with our own failings.

I'm glad your husband has gone to the GP and has sought help from his parents, OP. There might be a long road ahead but at least the first steps have been taken.

God, I don't know whether to despair or rejoice at the varying opinions here. Is this guy a shmuck or not? A poor OCD victim, misunderstood by his long suffering wife? Let me examine the evidence. No pressie, no conscience. The secret trip, no conscience...Nah, he is a grade A fuck and to tell yourself otherwise is to delay the inevitable.

I hope you are well, OP

I hope you are well, OP

Hi Jedi, I'm fine thank you. I started the new project so been busy with that. Nothing more really happened yet. We have an appointment with GP next week for DH to discuss treatment options. Think I'm going home tomorrow. We've seen each other and it's been fine. DDs had a lovely week too!

AVY you sound wonderful - anyone would be lucky to have you in their lives.

I hope you both get through this.

lanouvelleheloise said exDH messaged me a couple of days ago asking if I still had a CD we got free with the paper 10yrs ago. I said I didn't even remember it (meaning more- I didn't even remember life with him )