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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that DH should have invited me?

439 replies

AVY1 · 22/07/2017 19:13

This is such a weird thing to be asking isn't it?!

DH went to visit a friend this weekend so they could go to a National Park. I've just found out that the friends partner travelled down with DH. At no point in the past two weeks has he mentioned that she was going or ask me to come too.

I've got no problem with him doing things on his own but these are both of our friends and it's just so weird.

All he's said is he thought my work would be awkward and he didn't know where DD would go. But that doesn't make sense because DD is with his parents this weekend (and she could have come with us anyway) and I'm literally at home, not working, doing DIY. (That he was supposed to have done two days ago so that I could paint today)

He's definitely with the friend as have seen pics. And also I know there isn't an affair going on. So I've been deliberately excluded. In the same text where I asked why he hadn't asked me to come he also said he didn't want to deal with this right now. Which suggests he knows he's been a shit, realised the girlfriend had sent me pics, knew what I'd be upset and has just rattled off the excuse he'd sold himself over such a bizarre lie by omission.

AIBU?

(Also , it's somewhere I'd asked if we could go to over the summer as I've always wanted to!)

OP posts:
OVienna · 25/07/2017 12:06

Friends want to distance themselves for a while, which I completely understand. It's not their circus. I'm appalled they were dragged in to it.

This is also what I find very odd, if he is genuinely having mental health problems and he is a good friend. I am still a bit puzzled by all of this and if you asked me to predict and outcome I couldn't.

Original poster
AVY1 · 25/07/2017 12:10

He only went to his parents because I made it clear I didn't want to speak to him yesterday.

The idea that he calls any shots is preposterous. We've always had a very even and steady relationship, reach compromises easily, and respect the others opinion if and when it differs. I may be 'laid back' in my approach to disagreements but to me that's about being able to calmly but definitely explain my position / feelings, listen without judgement to his, and not go in all guns blazing. I'm not a pushover.

I knew he wasn't happy at work. Lately I've taken a different approach with that though - he's complained about it for years. I've not given him as much room to talk about it without stepping in and asking him if he's found anything to apply for. In all honesty it has become rather draining that for the first hour he's home everyday I was having to listen to him vent.

With regards the DIY, basically I'd had enough of living in a building site for 7 years and started either doing things he'd said he'd do or was getting in other people to do it. he's admitted that he's not liked that I've been making decisions where he hasn't been able to out of fear of getting it wrong.

Which means that some of this (though not the deceit) is also about my failings over the past few months to not see changes in him.

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 25/07/2017 12:15

The thing is - if he's unhappy at work then this spills over into home

You are being proactive (apply for other jobs - getting work done ) which he sees as further failure on his part - rather than you being helpful

His ego is bruised and now he's upset you and his marriage Is 'failing'

My DH had been through this - it's horrible to live with someone who is so down

BUT - he can turn it round - he has to do whatever for himself - find his inner sport and confidence and move jobs -

Littlechocola · 25/07/2017 12:28

AVY, you are lovely. I really hope it all works out.

magoria · 25/07/2017 12:31

He is punishing you.

You have changed from 'there, there' listening to his crap to 'OK, so what are you doing about it'.

You have also changed from putting up with his 'I will do it...' to getting it done.

If you hadn't started this he (and you) would have carried on as before.

I don't think this has anything to do with his OCD.

Fairenuff · 25/07/2017 12:33

It sounds like the relationship only works when you're doing what needs to be done OP and he doesn't have to take responsibility for himself.

You say that you 'compromise easily and respect each others opinion' yet you also say that you've lived in a building site for 7 years because he has promised to do something and failed to follow through.

Likewise his moaning about work but failing to do anything about changing it.

Now that you've finally challenged him he doesn't like it.

Itsnotwhatitseems · 25/07/2017 12:36

AVY1 I have read the whole thread and you come across as such a strong forgiving lady. What he has said could be the truth or it could be another lie to get you back under his spell. I really hope he isn't going through some mid life crisis and gives you any more reason not to trust him. Hopefully things will improve after his visit to the GP and a long heart to heart with you. My gut feeling is the friends are withdrawing their support as they think there is more to it and don't want to be involved, but I am cynical and find liars hard to trust, you sound lovely, really hope you and DD and DH get through this and that I am wrong x

Guccibelt · 25/07/2017 12:43

So where does the OCD figure in all this? Is it separate from his work problems and the 7 years living on a building site without pulling his weight? What's that got to do with not wanting you to go on the weekend away with him and lying to you about it?

Too many excuses for me. However you sound very generous and understanding and of course you know the context of your relationship.

lanouvelleheloise · 25/07/2017 12:44

avy - I had similar problems with my exP, especially with regard to the work thing. He would also moan incessantly about work without actually doing anything about it, and - like you - I got sick of the expectation that I'd soak up all the emotional shitness of that without him making the slightest effort to sort himself out. Worse still, he'd come up with crazy, insane plans about what he wanted to do instead of his job, which just had no foundation in any kind of reality. He also flat refused to do things around the house - I'd have to nag about basic jobs, and ended up shouldering most things myself.

If you'd asked me while most of this was going on, I'd actually have said we had a good, functional relationship. It was only in retrospect that I realised how much everything had worn me down. Constantly having to be the one in charge, handling everything, taking decisions, sorting things out.... it's exhausting.

My DP ended up having an emotional affair over the internet and that gave me the impetus I needed to leave. I now have a DH with whom work and emotional labour is shared much more equally and life is SO MUCH FREER!

What I'm trying to say is: be careful and really ask yourself whether this guy is worth it. Because your life might be quite a bit harder than you even realise, because you forget after a bit what it's like to be with an equal.

SnotGoblin · 25/07/2017 12:46

If she's busily texting you then she thinks it's weird that you're not here too. Sounds like he is way more interested in her than she is in him as a friend...

Hanab · 25/07/2017 12:50

You are one Amazing lady!
I just hope that he is not manipulating you and conveniently using his previous issues to cover something up.
Fron the bottom of my heart I genuinely wish you all the best!
I wish I could be calm and forgiving as you are 🌷

ThePearlNecklaceOfTheresaMay · 25/07/2017 12:50

His explanation still doesn't make any sense.

I mean you know him best but why would your becoming proactive about the things he's moaning about trigger an OCD episode that means he starts lying to you and being cruel?

To an outsider it does seem a bit far fetched and flimsy.

Anyone can act like a wanker and blame 'MH problems' after the fact.

From what you've said it doesn't ring true.

Guccibelt · 25/07/2017 12:51

Your friends obviously don't approve of his actions but it is odd for them to completely step back if he genuinely has problems at the moment. Do they know something you don't?

ThePearlNecklaceOfTheresaMay · 25/07/2017 12:53

Sorry if that sounded harsh. But he's behaved very badly towards you and now he's spinning it into an a 'poor me' narrative, with you blaming yourself for not picking up on the signs.

I don't think there were any signs for you to pick up on.

The friends distancing themselves is a red flag imo.

HunkyDory69 · 25/07/2017 12:59

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MrsLupo · 25/07/2017 13:00

Thank you for the update, which is generous of you, considering the circumstances in which you find yourself. Kudos to you for being so mature and level headed, and to your PILs for being so open with you, and best wishes to your DH for a full recovery. I think you have had some awful advice on thread from people who are projecting their MNesque ideas of 'how relationships are' on to a situation that, being real, is rather less clear cut than it looks in their heads. I hope you guys can move beyond his admittedly cruel behaviour towards you and the breakdown in communication that seems to have precipitated this crisis, and manage to work things out eventually. Hope your friendship with the other couple survives too. Flowers

numberseven · 25/07/2017 13:03

My gut feeling is the friends are withdrawing their support as they think there is more to it and don't want to be involved

I have to say I agree. And the whole work stress / ocd / diy stress / needing time alone but not alone.. sounds like he's flinging things to the wall to see what will stick.

SafeToCross · 25/07/2017 13:13

You have nice friends and in laws, and it seems, usually a nice dh. Glad it is making more sense now, and I hope things move on positively for you.

Original poster
AVY1 · 25/07/2017 13:48

There was a very in depth chat (and I took notes so we can go over each issue separately later and talk through what we both want / need moving forward) and I really do not doubt that this is a genuine reaction.

In brief, I think much has stemmed from a fear of wanting things, whether work or home, to be perfect so it has been easier to leave things unfinished or unresolved so that perfect always seems around the corner.

The impact of me getting on with things has made him face up to the reality that outside of our relationship, the external parts as it were, have been making him miserable.

He did want to blame me for it all rather than look inward. I think the fact I didn't stay to take it or give it a quick fix by saying oh well, never mind, shocked him.

It's also not usual for him to approach his parents for support like this. I'm taking that as a huge positive and another sign that this is a genuine problem.

OP posts:
FluffyWhiteTowels · 25/07/2017 13:53

OP as confirmed by his parents (who went through this with him age 15) his behaviours are consistant with the current MH struggles.

Let him see GP. Would any of the coping strategies he used previously work whilst awaiting a referral? Could you afford for him to access help privately as we keep hearing about long waiting lists on NHS.

As you know, he's the only one who can do anything. He needs to be able to push away the feelings don thoughts. I'm glad you're able to give him the space to try and to do without additional stress for him.

Communicating about his issues can be done later when he is feeling better.

These are just my thoughts. But hope they lag help?

Riversleep · 25/07/2017 13:54

My DH is a bit like this. The procrastinating, anxiety and constant moaning every evening about his job. It's very draining. The difference is that after 7 years of moaning, my DH got another job, hated it even more, so I went from 3 to 5 days at work, he was a sahd, he hated it and it made him depressed. So now we both do 4 days and he still moans! I just listen and his and hand him chores to do!

I wonder if the girlfriend was his escape route in his head, and the friends sensed that. That would explain them backing away now.

Naicehamshop · 25/07/2017 14:18

I'm so impressed with the way you are handling everything, op. You seem very compassionate and emotionally mature.

Just one thing; no matter how understandable the reasons for his behaviour are, you are still left dealing with the (upsetting) results.

Look after yourself. Flowers

MrsJamesAspey · 25/07/2017 15:52

I'm struggling to understand what sort of OCD it is that manifests as this. I know that it can be paralyzing, but what are the other symptoms that he has displayed

I have OCD like this, it's so hard to explain but I start panicking when I nearly finish something. For example could even be the washing up, i have to count how many items I've washed and force myself to keep doing another 10 until they're all done and then force myself to dry everything up, whilst I'm getting an increasing sense of panic. Once it's all done I'm fine, it's the same with anything from mowing the lawn to putting the washing on to decorating. I'm also a perfectionist and will spend way too long just doing one part of a job and then start panicking about doing the rest of it.

HunkyDory69 · 25/07/2017 16:30

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LizB62A · 25/07/2017 17:06

I'm a bit like him, in that I'd rather not make a decision than make the wrong decision, so I sympathise.
My house needs lots of work done and I simply don't know how or where to start.....