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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that DH should have invited me?

439 replies

AVY1 · 22/07/2017 19:13

This is such a weird thing to be asking isn't it?!

DH went to visit a friend this weekend so they could go to a National Park. I've just found out that the friends partner travelled down with DH. At no point in the past two weeks has he mentioned that she was going or ask me to come too.

I've got no problem with him doing things on his own but these are both of our friends and it's just so weird.

All he's said is he thought my work would be awkward and he didn't know where DD would go. But that doesn't make sense because DD is with his parents this weekend (and she could have come with us anyway) and I'm literally at home, not working, doing DIY. (That he was supposed to have done two days ago so that I could paint today)

He's definitely with the friend as have seen pics. And also I know there isn't an affair going on. So I've been deliberately excluded. In the same text where I asked why he hadn't asked me to come he also said he didn't want to deal with this right now. Which suggests he knows he's been a shit, realised the girlfriend had sent me pics, knew what I'd be upset and has just rattled off the excuse he'd sold himself over such a bizarre lie by omission.

AIBU?

(Also , it's somewhere I'd asked if we could go to over the summer as I've always wanted to!)

OP posts:
kkkkaty123 · 22/07/2017 21:35

Sorry if this has been mentioned op but is his general health ok ? Could he be worried about something? Finances maybe ? And you don't have to answer that on here I know it's private. Just a thought. My dh goes into himself when he's worried. Drives me mad.

Aspergallus · 22/07/2017 21:37

I really hate when people suggest mental illness on threads like this...but...does he have a history of depression? Could he be ill and just feeling a bit overwhelmed?

It sounds like he has set out to do things and not been able to follow through recently, that could be a sign of depression. Not being able to deal with any criticism or his own self reproach could be another.

That is the only explanation I can come up with for his otherwise weird behaviour, other than starting to check out of this relationship. Unless he's always done this? Any previous sign that he prefers to socialise without you?

AnnieAnoniMouse · 22/07/2017 21:38

Weird, rude & hurtful.

I would normally wonder if he had a thing for her & had tried it on in the car, but I get the feeling your friend would have told you that?!

Given they have gone out & left him home alone, he has plenty of privacy, so he's a complete & utter shit not to have called you by now.

I'd be FURIOUS (and worried & upset).

Original poster
AVY1 · 22/07/2017 21:40

I did check find my phone and he's there ( we only usually use it as we both run and it means we can find each other if something happens or to check when the other is likely to be home)

I'm not sure he'd risk having someone over though. Friends would kick off and he'd have no way of knowing when they'd be back.

I'm 99% sure that if he had said anything one of them would have been straight on the phone. Those kind of friends. At the moment he seems blissfully unaware that they know he's been a shit anyway.

He's not lazy. He is a procrastinator though, tied up in being a perfectionist so he doesn't finish things out of a kind of panic that it won't be good enough. It's infuriating.

OP posts:
HeddaGarbled · 22/07/2017 21:41

Maybe he liked the idea of the decorating being done by you while he was off on his jolly, so he wouldn't have to participate?

AnnieAnoniMouse · 22/07/2017 21:42

There has to be something pretty big going on

  • affair (attempted with her or actual with someone else)
  • lost his job/handed his notice in
  • illness
  • just 'had enough'

...fuck knows.

But I would not let it go until he told me.

SolomanDaisy · 22/07/2017 21:42

You should be furious you know.

Original poster
AVY1 · 22/07/2017 21:46

I grew up with parents who had two very different kinds of depression so I would like to think that I'd notice if things weren't right with him. However, as this is so out of character I was worried too that I've missed something important.

Finances are fine, sex life has no complaints, plenty of couple
time and family time, DIY been a bit of a pressure lately but I thought we were enjoying doing it together.

He does get stressed about his job but I've never stopped him talking about it.

And yes friend would 100% have told me. Immediately I expect.

OP posts:
scootinFun · 22/07/2017 21:46

You need to talk. Leaving you with the diy while he went somewhere he knows you'd like has crossed the line.

Original poster
AVY1 · 22/07/2017 21:47

Hedda, I have wondered if that was it. And he knows I get stuff done quickly when there's no one around to distract me. But he could have just told me. Can't believe he still hasn't rung though!

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 22/07/2017 21:48

Maybe he's on his way home which would explain why he hasn't called or picked up his text messages.

Witsender · 22/07/2017 21:49

He probably realises that he has dropped a bollock and doesn't quite know what to do about it.

Guccibelt · 22/07/2017 21:51

Yes I'm starting to think he just wanted to get out of the diy without having to say so. He could come back to you having done it all.

Original poster
AVY1 · 22/07/2017 21:52

We have a text or ring before you leave / when you arrive rule so I'd be really, really upset if he was Fairenuff but as it is I can see where he is anyway.

He's being stubborn. I don't want to ring him now because I refuse to be made to feel like I'm overreacting or that this is only a problem because I've made it one.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 22/07/2017 21:52

This is the second thread like this tonight where a partner had deliberatly excluded the poster. And I will say the same thing. Everything isn't ok op. It's not about diy. The only fact is he didn't want you there, and to the extent he would rather lie and know you'd find out than have you there, he's also now ignoring you.

So something is very wrong I'm sorry, this isn't how people who love each other behave.

Frillyhorseyknickers · 22/07/2017 21:54

God some people on here are desperate for the drama of an affair, of course that's not what it is, if OPs account is correct.

Perhaps originally it was a lads weekend, and his friend decided to invite his partner after you had made DIY plans and your DH was just a selfish cunt idiot and thought you would be more useful at home.

Either way, him ignoring my calls would drive me Complegely bat shit.

Bluntness100 · 22/07/2017 21:55

Yes I'm starting to think he just wanted to get out of the diy without having to say so. He could come back to you having done it all

Nonsense. No one cares that much about diy, cmon..,

Original poster
AVY1 · 22/07/2017 21:56

Is there? That's so sad. I'll go and look (just been refreshing my thread) I wouldn't want anyone to feel unwanted. Or embarrassed. Our friends must think something is really wrong. Which it must be, whatever it may be.

OP posts:
wherethewildrosesgrow · 22/07/2017 21:56

it sounds like he needs some space, for some reason, I hope you get answers soon op. not fair on you.

Tissunnyupnorth · 22/07/2017 21:59

Sounds like he just wanted some time alone. I can be like that.

MsWanaBanana · 22/07/2017 22:02

Frilly - that makes sense actually. He should of told her the truth obviously, but it could be the other partner was invited last min and he just thought fuck it, I'll have a break away and the work will be done when I get back. I mean he's probably guilt of being a cheeky git but I don't think he's having an affair

GlitteryFluff · 22/07/2017 22:10

Hope you manage to get to the bottom of it. It seems weird but as others say he might have just needed some time on his own.

BeachyKeen · 22/07/2017 22:13

Has he ever done this sort of thing before?

Ysolla · 22/07/2017 22:25

This reply has been deleted

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Original poster
AVY1 · 22/07/2017 22:37

Just got off phone with DH.

Timeline of his version of events is thus:

  1. Fortnight ago friend texts to arrange visit/trip. DH excited and agrees.
  2. Couple of days later friend texts and asks him to pick up GF and says don't forget to bring AVY (and DD!) as we'd love to see them!
  3. DH is annoyed as thought he was having a quiet weekend with his mate and decides not to tell me because he knows that I want to go and will probably come. Spends two weeks not telling me. Apparently he felt really guilty about this :/
  4. Interlude - I point out if I/we had been there he'd have probably had more time with his friend as I'd have been chatting to GF. They could have had a boys night tonight etc.
  5. DH says he's been a dick. Apologises. And then says, 'but I'm not really sure what I've done wrong.' Great. So not a real apology.

Have told him I don't really understand, that I actually am very angry now that he's given me what is a pretty shit explanation as he could have actually told me all of it, am still waiting for an actual sorry and I also said that I hoped he had enjoyed his boring night of being alone.

He didn't know I knew he was on his own. He had the cheek to say he couldn't believe they'd left him out! I did point out the cockwhamping hypocrisy.

And he knows I'm really not okay with the lying / omission too.

OP posts:
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