To think that DH should have invited me?

[AVY1]

This is such a weird thing to be asking isn't it?!

DH went to visit a friend this weekend so they could go to a National Park. I've just found out that the friends partner travelled down with DH. At no point in the past two weeks has he mentioned that she was going or ask me to come too.

I've got no problem with him doing things on his own but these are both of our friends and it's just so weird.

All he's said is he thought my work would be awkward and he didn't know where DD would go. But that doesn't make sense because DD is with his parents this weekend (and she could have come with us anyway) and I'm literally at home, not working, doing DIY. (That he was supposed to have done two days ago so that I could paint today)

He's definitely with the friend as have seen pics. And also I know there isn't an affair going on. So I've been deliberately excluded. In the same text where I asked why he hadn't asked me to come he also said he didn't want to deal with this right now. Which suggests he knows he's been a shit, realised the girlfriend had sent me pics, knew what I'd be upset and has just rattled off the excuse he'd sold himself over such a bizarre lie by omission.

AIBU?

(Also , it's somewhere I'd asked if we could go to over the summer as I've always wanted to!)

Hope everything is ok op and that DH is home and apologising profusely

But Actually, with my emergency savings and with what I'm going to earn over the next two months there will be enough to cover bills and mortgage for the next five months at least so if he wants to find a new job, even if it means taking a pay cut, I would be supportive if it's his happiness at stake

There you go again - rescuing him again.

It's HIS responsibility to start job hunting, lining up interviews etc so he can change jobs without a break in income.
That isn't a difficult conversation to have!

If either of you are taking a pay cut that will affect family finances - so yet again he needs to be an adult and either discuss this with you.

He knows how to play you, OP. He relies on you not wanting 'unnecessary arguments' and being so 'laid back and relaxed' that all he has to do is be passive aggressive and you'll sort it all out for the sake of an easy life.

There was absolutely no reason for him to do things the way he did.
It's just pure selfishness and it's a load of bollocks.

You were sure that everything was tickety boo in your relationship and you had good communication.....this shows that you're in denial about something.

Emergency savings are for exactly that - emergencies.
Covering his share of costs just because he's too lazy to manage change of jobs is NOT an emergency.
He has plenty of time to find a replacement job.

IF work is the issue - then why is he pissed at your job when he knows your wage will be needed?
Walking out of a job when he's decided to go ahead with renovations is just ridiculous.

HE hasn't told you what the issue is - his friend did. He couldn't be arsed ringing or texting you or even his dd!
He knows you will want to avoid an argument so all he has to do is be moody, silent and monosyllabic and get away with it.

i get the impression that he is a man-child and you do all the mind-work and mother him - otherwise your relationship wouldn't work.

Blimey, ShitUp, a bit harsh. Is it really such an alien concept that someone might be having such a bad time that they just can't cope? That work might be going so wrong that they just need to walk out? And that it's difficult to talk about all of this with the person you know is going to be affected the worst? And as for supporting a spouse/partner going through a hard time, well, isn't that just normal? Wouldn't you do that for someone you loved and shared your life with? I would, without hesitation, and I wouldn't want to be with someone who wouldn't do the same for me. Or who called it 'rescuing' or 'being played', or 'mothering'.

Not a clue what's going on between OP and her DH, but some of the posturing on this thread is ridiculous.

Hope things are OK, OP.

The guy is being totally shady. What he will do next is make you feel like a needy shrew for questioning his behaviour - they're good at that aren't they? You are being totally reasonable to feel offended - don't let it drop.

Hope all went ok when he got home OP and you were able to talk things through.
Totally relate to the fact that it was the fact that he lied that has done the damage, rather than the content of the lie. Trust is valuable, and very hard to mend when broken :(.
Unfortunately would echo PP's about not supporting him with your savings right now just in case.
Hugs and OP.

Jesus. Why does everyone go so jessica fletcher about this kind of thing?

Not everyone has though!!! There has been many good and kind. Answers.

Yes everyone has been so kind.

However, the man that walked in to home was not a version of him that I have ever seen before. It was a continuous stream of ignoring me, then pushing my buttons, and just general horribleness. I am utterly deflated and have currently walked out.

It was like having an out of body experience with a monster in my house. Nothing he said made sense and right now I don't give a shit. Am going to pick up DD tomorrow and go to stay with my parents with absolutely no intention of getting in touch with him unless there's an emergency.

Part of me is concerned that he needs to go to the GP about his mental health. The other part thinks he's woken up and decided his amazing life with me isn't good enough. Or he knows he's fucked up, stewed on it all the way home, and thought me being raging was the best scapegoat of all.

Regardless, I am not being treated like this, especially since he knew how upset I was. No apology, no acknowledgement that my hurt was valid, whether he'd intentionally or unintentionally kept the truth from me.

Arse.

Oh sweetheart, I'm so sorry.
Just be very very kind to yourself now ok?
Concentrate on yourself and your gorgeous DD. And well done for realising you're worth more than this.
I don't assume to know what's happened to/for him to make him act this way, but that doesn't matter. He can't treat you this way.
Sending some very unmumsnetty hugs and strength your way

The worst part for me is that I let myself be manipulated into going off on one knowing full well what I was going. Guess that happens when you try to make sure you cope with every rationally. Maybe he has got to used to me being calm and collected and misinterpreted that as 'can get away with anything'.

Don't particularly care right now (unless he is ill), if there is an OW I can't change it, he's just an idiot. If he's had a personality transplantor simply decided he wants something different from life, well can't change that either.

Drinking all the sweet tea and so glad I spent the day choosing my own fucking throw cushions and non hand me down furniture that I actually like.

Typos and terrible grammar, apologies. I'm very tired!

wow... I am actually feeling very empowered for you ... what a quick and decisive response you have made for you and your DD ... you have in fact been treated appallingly this weekend.. and he knows it... he has a big dirty secret.. his reaction proves this...

Stay strong lady and I hope you get genuine answers

Thank you both. I literally couldn't stay in the house. I felt physically sick. He has never made me feel like he doesn't value me. I don't like him making me feel like it now and refuse to live like that or for DD to see it.

Poor you OP. I cried when I read the bit where u cried down the phone.
Look after yourself & DD & put urself 1st.
If he's being a dick/cheating there's nothing u can do. Don't ever feel you have to change yourself. He's the 1 who's in the wrong.

Most men are dickheads. I live with one. I'm not good enough, pretty enough, slim enough, clever enough, bad wife & bad mum.
Thing is I'm happy with my blemished face, tyres around my stomach.

I've RTF and omg Avy you must be reeling! Where are you staying tonight? He might have the same idea as you to go and collect DD - and get some sort of story straight with his parents? I can't believe how badly he's behaved towards you - it does sound like some sort of mental health issue. Can you contact your friends and ask what his behaviour was like? He's had hours on his own on the drive home to get himself worked up - keep yourself safe please. Don't rely on how he's been towards you before, this man is in some sort of crisis and his behaviour can't be trusted. I am in no way excusing any of his behaviours and it's up to him to sort himself out. You do not deserve any of this - I would just want to get my daughter right now if I were you. Sending you lots of love

What a fucking cunt

It seems like he has decided that attack is the best form of defence. Although it makes absolutely no sense to attack you - he hasn't even apologised ffs

"The worst part for me is that I let myself be manipulated into going off on one knowing full well what I was going. Guess that happens when you try to make sure you cope with every rationally. Maybe he has got to used to me being calm and collected and misinterpreted that as 'can get away with anything'."

Might be something in this. Try and rest if you can , and absolutely take some time for yourself and DC.

This whole situation is horrible however is it possible he has had some sort of break down? You mention grief in a few posts, does this affect him also? Has his job been the straw that broke the camels back? By no means am I making excuses it's just very strange for a marriage to turn upside down like that on a weekend. Men don't cope well with emotions sometimes and it seems like he has reverted back to a sulky teen to deal with whatever is annoying him. I really hope this get sorted OP either way you come across as smart, level headed and capable qualities that will stand you in good stead whatever happens. I really hope it works out for you all

(New poster hence username but my heart is right here in the right place)

Decisive action you took is admirable and appropriate. When you wake up tomo, remember tonight's feeling of clarity and self respect before you have any more comms with him.

I say this because reasonable women everywhere have let a call or text work them into a position where they almost apologise for being a bit cross when they should in fact be enraged and closing their joint accounts.

Take steps to care for yourself and DD and eliminate any vulnerabilities this alien new stranger might capitalise on.

Well done, be brave and keep going!

What actually happened when he returned?
There was an argument and he refused to admit that he'd done anything wrong?
Or was it worse than that?

Aw op, that was not the update I was expecting. Hope you're ok

Op:( I'm sorry it turned out like this. Don't waver- going to stay elsewhere is a really good choice. Please don't end up apologising.

Sorry to see he is digging his heels in and making you feel so undervalued. Honestly I felt a little while back that if it were me his friends phonecall would have been useless as if he were truly sorry it should have been him apologising himself. And now his attitude on returning has made it far worse, im glad you've had the strength to walk away even if it's for a bit. He doesn't deserve you. You are amazing!
I hope you can get through the next few nights without any more of his dramas.

Did he apologise at all, or did he just come barging in trying to turn everything around to be your fault?!

Fuck him, anyway.

Just wanted to pop my head back in and reinforce the above. Don't let him back you into an apology tomorrow by crying etc. If he's having a mh issue then of course that's awful and he needs support, but it doesn't mean he can treat you this way.
Just take very good care of yourself OP