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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that DH should have invited me?

439 replies

AVY1 · 22/07/2017 19:13

This is such a weird thing to be asking isn't it?!

DH went to visit a friend this weekend so they could go to a National Park. I've just found out that the friends partner travelled down with DH. At no point in the past two weeks has he mentioned that she was going or ask me to come too.

I've got no problem with him doing things on his own but these are both of our friends and it's just so weird.

All he's said is he thought my work would be awkward and he didn't know where DD would go. But that doesn't make sense because DD is with his parents this weekend (and she could have come with us anyway) and I'm literally at home, not working, doing DIY. (That he was supposed to have done two days ago so that I could paint today)

He's definitely with the friend as have seen pics. And also I know there isn't an affair going on. So I've been deliberately excluded. In the same text where I asked why he hadn't asked me to come he also said he didn't want to deal with this right now. Which suggests he knows he's been a shit, realised the girlfriend had sent me pics, knew what I'd be upset and has just rattled off the excuse he'd sold himself over such a bizarre lie by omission.

AIBU?

(Also , it's somewhere I'd asked if we could go to over the summer as I've always wanted to!)

OP posts:
OVienna · 24/07/2017 12:31

I am worried for his mental health too. Keep safe OP. I don't mean to be overly dramatic but I had some thoughts yesterday I didn't share but seeing the direction this has gone in I have decided to say it now. I know you must be very worried about him but think of yourself and your DD first and whether it's better to that from a distance.

Cuckingfunt1981 · 24/07/2017 13:08

Will you tell your parents or just keep things between you guys at the moment??

Mustardnowletsnotbesilly · 24/07/2017 13:14

I really hope he is grovelling right now OP. You sound amazing.

JaneEyre70 · 24/07/2017 13:36

He's clearly very angry that you involved your friends in this, and that he's made to look very stupid. He has no right to take that anger out on you, he made this mess and not you. I think you've done entirely the right thing to back off and let him sort himself out. Until he can sincerely apologise and explain his behaviour I'd stay well clear. I hope you're getting lots of tlc from your parents, you more than deserve it.

Lipstickjunkie · 24/07/2017 13:50

This reminds me abit of Dr Foster...

PeachPearPotato · 24/07/2017 14:16
Flowers
ljny · 24/07/2017 14:29

So sorry to see your update. Glad you and DD have your mum's to go to. Flowers

SonicBoomBoom · 24/07/2017 14:32

Would your mutual friends have told you if he'd been angry at them and you for because your friend called you?

LagunaBubbles · 24/07/2017 14:32

Ignoring you and being horrible, good communciation eh!

Plainlycrackers · 24/07/2017 14:58

💐 OP. Hope he is just experiencing a mid life crisis and sorts his head out and gets some clarity on what a dick he has been... and acts accordingly to repair things... the ball is definitely in his court. Are your PIL likely to give him a dressing down... the sort a stupidly petulant teenage son requires from his parents... his behaviour indicates that's what he deserves... total man-child behaviour.🙄

RandomMess · 24/07/2017 15:07

Sad sorry he was such an arse Flowers

OVienna · 24/07/2017 15:09

Esspee Mon 24-Jul-17 07:01:58

He is guilty of something very serious, knows it and is trying to foist the blame onto you.
You need to listen carefully when he tries to communicate and say as little as possible. Whatever you say will be turned against you.
I think that if you hadn't been alerted by your friend he would have come home and continued living the lie (whatever it is). You are in a better place now that you know all is not well. Stay strong.

I am sorry if I come across as overinvested in this thread OP but I would really mind what Esspee says.

His behaviour is really very odd. If he tries to slip back into his old self in a couple of days, I would still be tempted to take things very slowly. THink about how you might be able to get to the truth of what is going on. Is there anyone in real life who could you could speak to about this confidentially?

I am not even thinking OW - if I were a betting person I would put money on something serious at work, like a disciplinary or an accusation of wrongdoing, he's not sure how to tell you about.

AnaViaSalamanca · 24/07/2017 15:51

sorry to be saying this OP, but I think he is contemplating leaving you. There might not be even an OW, but I think he is trying to feel how it would be if he becomes single. In his mind he is distancing himself from you. Watch for signs on how/if he wants to distance himself from you, his body language when you are out with friends, if he is making new friends, carving out a new identity etc.

laziestsusan · 24/07/2017 16:02

So sorry you are going through this OP. You are handling it really well, and you are right to be very angry with him. A couple of days away for you and DD is a good idea to take the heat out of the situation, but don't let him make a fool of you when he's 'ready to talk'. Please don't give over your savings so he can have the summer off pondering, I think you may need them soon. You'll know if he's telling the truth. Flowers Wine for you xxx

cloudchasing · 24/07/2017 16:40

God I feel for you, feeling confused emotionally is one of the worst feelings imo. There are loads of women to support you here. Really hope you're ok Flowers

Skylark678 · 24/07/2017 16:58

Hope you and your daughter are ok

Original poster
AVY1 · 24/07/2017 17:02

I am here! Been out with DD all day. Nothing to report really.

I'm not going to guess what's going on with him. He'll either tell me or he won't. I've been through enough over the last few years to know you don't always get answers.

I know I've probably portrayed myself as a bit meek and too keen to keep the peace. But I'm not at all. It just takes a lot to make me furious. Which I was. Just a bit numb now instead.

Thanks again for all your thoughts and kindness. It has helped immensely.

OP posts:
Theonethingididntwant · 24/07/2017 17:15

Well done for keeping your head I. All this OP I would have blown several thousand fuses by now. Which doesn't always get the truth anyway. Hopefully you (and us!) get some answers soon. I hope it's nothing too sinister

IdentifiesAsYoda · 24/07/2017 17:17

Good for you

We're here

WingsofNylon · 24/07/2017 18:10

I don't think you sound meek. Being calm isn't a weakness. Personally i think raging and making demands for information rarely gets the truth. I was really sad to read your update. I thought for sure he was going to come home and apologise and open up to you.

I do think it might be something to do with work that he can't bring himself to say. And it does sound like he is depressed. But none of that excuses being awful to you.

I hope you had a nice day out with DD. Flowers

cloudchasing · 24/07/2017 18:59

I don't think you sound meek either, far from it.

SamJ2012 · 24/07/2017 19:00

OP - that sounds horrible for you, and sounds like an experience a friend had so it rings alarm bells.

Friend's partner was always described as selfless and very caring. In fact he was depressed and manipulative. The good qualities he liked to showcase were just that - the story he liked to tell about himself. When the scales fell off it became clear he had been behaving selfishly for a while. He spent a long time gaslighting his partner and making problems her fault. He was also verbally aggressive and quick to argue / find a way to blame my friend when he was in the wrong. Basically, if he felt guilty his default was to attack to turn it around.

Not suggesting this is the same and hopefully not even similar, but thought I would share how nasty depression in a partner can turn.

CouldntMakeThisShitUp · 24/07/2017 19:30

Don't forget you're also still grieving, OP.

Top that with shock, hurt, betrayal and unanswered questions and it's no wonder you're feeling too numb emotionally to erupt at him - just yet.

SugaredSocks · 24/07/2017 19:51

You seem very level headed and pragmatic to me. I really hope he's just got himself worked up over something that'll have an easy way to fix it in the end and he'll realise what a plonker he's been and he'll be on bended knee begging your forgiveness soon. Flowers

SpiritedLondon · 24/07/2017 20:08

I've been thinking about you today so thought I would come and post. I have a male relative who left his wife after 20 years of marriage ( stay with me here ). He never admitted it but I suspect he was having an affair. The thing is he was so used to being the good guy - mr dependable etc that I don't think he could handle the guilt of being the one to break up the marriage. He became really cold and angry towards his now ex wife and obsessed about something minor that he felt she had done and blew it out of all proportion. Really I just think he couldn't handle the guilt and was looking for someone to blame. I think your DH is acting the same way because he has looked a knob in front of your mates. Of course he engineered the whole situation but it's as if he needs to find someone else to blame so he can go back to seeing himself as the good guy. I'm not quite sure what you can do but remaining as calm as you can with certainly benefit your DD who presumably has no idea what's going on. Perhaps when he's had a little time to reflect he will have a little perspective on his behaviour in regards this whole matter.