Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that DH should have invited me?

439 replies

AVY1 · 22/07/2017 19:13

This is such a weird thing to be asking isn't it?!

DH went to visit a friend this weekend so they could go to a National Park. I've just found out that the friends partner travelled down with DH. At no point in the past two weeks has he mentioned that she was going or ask me to come too.

I've got no problem with him doing things on his own but these are both of our friends and it's just so weird.

All he's said is he thought my work would be awkward and he didn't know where DD would go. But that doesn't make sense because DD is with his parents this weekend (and she could have come with us anyway) and I'm literally at home, not working, doing DIY. (That he was supposed to have done two days ago so that I could paint today)

He's definitely with the friend as have seen pics. And also I know there isn't an affair going on. So I've been deliberately excluded. In the same text where I asked why he hadn't asked me to come he also said he didn't want to deal with this right now. Which suggests he knows he's been a shit, realised the girlfriend had sent me pics, knew what I'd be upset and has just rattled off the excuse he'd sold himself over such a bizarre lie by omission.

AIBU?

(Also , it's somewhere I'd asked if we could go to over the summer as I've always wanted to!)

OP posts:
CouldntMakeThisShitUp · 24/07/2017 03:41

OP - i apologise if my post came across as harsh to you. it wasn't meant to be.
i tend to write exactly the way i speak - rather blunt but from a good place.

It's as though he wants to push you into the 'bad guy' role, thinking that he can make you feel guilty etc into sweeping this all under the carpet.

He's been taking advantage of your good nature for too long.

MRSLUPO Having read the full thread, my summation is that this type of dynamic has been fairly constant throughout their relationship.
Supporting a partner is fine - but it has to be a two-way street and right now it isn't.

LindyHemming · 24/07/2017 05:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BunnyBardot · 24/07/2017 06:27

What an idiot he is. Hope you have a safe place to stay tonight OP.

Guccibelt · 24/07/2017 06:34

That's very odd that he is behaving in a way you have never seen before.

Esspee · 24/07/2017 07:01

I hope you managed to sleep OP.
I recognise his behaviour. He is guilty of something very serious, knows it and is trying to foist the blame onto you.
You need to listen carefully when he tries to communicate and say as little as possible. Whatever you say will be turned against you.
I think that if you hadn't been alerted by your friend he would have come home and continued living the lie (whatever it is). You are in a better place now that you know all is not well. Stay strong.

Naicehamshop · 24/07/2017 07:13

Sorry - this all sounds horrible for you, op.

The good news is, though, that you will come out of this much stronger, and with a much clearer idea of where you stand and what your relationship is actually like.

You are doing brilliantly. Keep going, keep calm... and don't take any shit! Flowers

Shockers · 24/07/2017 07:26

I'm inclined to think that he's just hugely defensive because he was being selfish and got caught out.

It's extremely difficult for some people to back down in that situation, and this is a predicament he hasn't found himself in before because you're such a fair and reasonable person. He's in uncharted waters and he's scared.

I think you've done absolutely the right thing in letting him stew in his own juice. Hope he uses the time to reflect on what an idiot he's been, and the situation improves today.

PNGirl · 24/07/2017 07:28

Sounds like depression due to work stress to me tbh from the behaviour change. He may be pushing you away on purpose both for selfish reasons (doesn't want to have to interact and take up his usual responsibilities) and because he feels you're better off without him.

MrsLupo · 24/07/2017 07:39

Very sorry for your situation, OP. I really didn't expect this for you. Something similar happened to me once. It was like a complete personality change overnight. I too was worried there was some kind of mental health crisis going on but there wasn't. There are some people who are extraordinarily capable of hiding their true thoughts and feelings indefinitely until the day they decide to express it all. You are handling it all more decisively and maturely than I did but you must be feeling sick and lost. Truly sorry. Flowers

IdentifiesAsYoda · 24/07/2017 07:57

Oh love (it's me, NotYoda). You've done the right thing in leaving him to it for a bit.

IDoDaChaCha · 24/07/2017 08:06

In these circumstances I would feel excluded and hurt. Purposely leaving you out seems harsh.

RhiWrites · 24/07/2017 08:26

OP you seem so nice and level headed. I'm so sorry he's being horrible to you. Flowers

SimonsPies · 24/07/2017 08:30

Read the whole thread, IDo?

piggypoo · 24/07/2017 08:40

I'd agree with what some of the other posters have said, there is certainly something that sets the Spidey senses tingling. I would be livid if my other half wanted to go to see his mate and the DP was there. It sounds very much like he is hiding something from you, it can be horrible trying to get the reason out of someone who is being shifty, but I think that it what you need to do, otherwise this will eat away at you for ages. I'd be strongly suspecting he's a crush on his mate's DP.

IDoDaChaCha · 24/07/2017 09:12

OP using your savings to rescue a grown man from their job after he lied to you is rewarding him for bad behaviour. If you do that, expect more of the same. He has to face his problems as all adults do. You're not his therapist you're his wife. He owes you more respect. I can see the benefits to providing a safe environment for sharing feelings, but boundaries don't seem clear enough and he is taking the piss as a result. Generally speaking, men are selfish creatures but how we accept being treated is also a major factor. Reading the thread fully you didn't seem to even feel annoyed until most comments said you should be. Don't be too nice for your own good. You deserve better. But you have to make that better happen by having clear boundaries.

IDoDaChaCha · 24/07/2017 09:25

strawberrisc I feel exactly the same! Coming up to 10 years single and not a regret.

rollonthesummer · 24/07/2017 09:29

You poor thing-I don't blame you for walking out. He is behaving very strangely

Cuckingfunt1981 · 24/07/2017 09:32

How you feeling today op ? He is an absolute wanker and you deserve so much better . Don't let him off lightly op and stick to your guns . Your handling things brilliantly xx

IDoDaChaCha · 24/07/2017 09:33

I have now SimonsPies

OP you did the right thing taking DD and leaving. As others have said he's a man-child. You are the strong one.

Extua · 24/07/2017 09:55

I'm so sorry he's been this way. From your posts I thought your relationship was such that you'd be able to talk to him about it and work it out. I hope you are ok this morning Flowers

rainbowstardrops · 24/07/2017 10:06

Blimey, I wasn't expecting that kind of reaction from him! What a bastard!
He's lied and is being deceitful and now he's pissed off that he got found out. He's hiding something for sure.
I think putting some space between you is definitely the way to go. Try to enjoy some time with your DD and parents Flowers

livefornaps · 24/07/2017 11:02

Hope your parents take good care of you.

SuumCuique · 24/07/2017 11:05

My heart goes out to you OP, you must be so, so hurt. Stay strong and make sure you have RL support as well as from this lovely 'nest of vipers'! We all wish you well Flowers

Increasinglymiddleaged · 24/07/2017 11:23

I think he's in a bad place. His behaviour is awful towards you, but it is out of character. Having issues at work can be really hard, he probably feels like a total loser at the prospect of leaving. He's now fucked up his marriage as well potentially.

I am worried though if I'm honest suicide is the biggest killer amongst young men and very often they have not been diagnosed with depression as they are less likely to get help. Are you absolutely certain he wouldn't do anything stupid op?

Jupitar · 24/07/2017 11:25

I hope you're okay this morning OP, have you spoken to either of the friends to find out if they know more now after the weekend?

I suspected earlier in the thread that he had a crush on the woman and has made a dick move which is why she insisted on going out for a romantic meal with her partner, it was to punish your DP and to reinforce the fact that she's with her DP not him.

Whatever the reason, I think he needs to do some serious apologising and explaining or else I'd be gone.

Good luck