Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that DH should have invited me?

439 replies

AVY1 · 22/07/2017 19:13

This is such a weird thing to be asking isn't it?!

DH went to visit a friend this weekend so they could go to a National Park. I've just found out that the friends partner travelled down with DH. At no point in the past two weeks has he mentioned that she was going or ask me to come too.

I've got no problem with him doing things on his own but these are both of our friends and it's just so weird.

All he's said is he thought my work would be awkward and he didn't know where DD would go. But that doesn't make sense because DD is with his parents this weekend (and she could have come with us anyway) and I'm literally at home, not working, doing DIY. (That he was supposed to have done two days ago so that I could paint today)

He's definitely with the friend as have seen pics. And also I know there isn't an affair going on. So I've been deliberately excluded. In the same text where I asked why he hadn't asked me to come he also said he didn't want to deal with this right now. Which suggests he knows he's been a shit, realised the girlfriend had sent me pics, knew what I'd be upset and has just rattled off the excuse he'd sold himself over such a bizarre lie by omission.

AIBU?

(Also , it's somewhere I'd asked if we could go to over the summer as I've always wanted to!)

OP posts:
BubblestarUK · 24/07/2017 20:32

Whatever it is OP, you sound like a strong couple underneath the current issues, I hope you can work it out together Flowers

Gemini69 · 24/07/2017 20:33

Sending Hugs and more Hugs OP Flowers

Sushi123 · 24/07/2017 21:09

Hope you get some answers soon xx

Shankarankalina · 24/07/2017 22:33

I can't help but think he engineered this in some way to deliberately provoke a fight. He kept schtum on purpose to make YOU the one to get upset, feel left out, and ultimately get angry with you. You were dead right to call him out, then leave him with a vacuum to argue with. I regrettably think he is seeking a way out so that he can say 'I only went to see my mate and she - she flounced off to her parents' place - with the kid!!' Of course, that is his convenient truth, it you and your friends can see this is a contrived version of what went on.

Stay silent and distant. Flowers

TheweewitchRoz · 24/07/2017 22:47

Unfortunately I agree with Shanka Op but FWIW, you sound amazingly strong. Good luck.

justilou · 25/07/2017 00:26

Hi Avy! Just wanted to log in and check on you. You sound amazingly strong and practical. You can hold your head high knowing you are not letting a shitty communicator diminish you. I am so proud of you. (You are also setting a wonderful example for your DD, btw!)

WidoWanky · 25/07/2017 01:43

Just read all this.

My take on it is he wants out. He had his eye on mates GF. He had how much time during the drive to charm her? It didn't work. He is Pissed.

It's not necessarily that she is the love of his life. More of the fact that in general men don't leave until they have somewhere else to go. Seems to me that he is looking for somewhere to go, and itching for a fight with you, so you can take the blame. Hope I am wrong but I would seriously suggest getting your ducks in a row. If he does suddenly bale, at least you will have a head start.

TheHobbitMum · 25/07/2017 02:45

Thinking of you OP, your husband has been an absolute dick and I'm pleased you haven't just accepted the way he was/is treating you. There certainly seems to be something going on he isn't admitting to or isn't willing to talk about yet.

Suejuan · 25/07/2017 06:32

Reading MN for a while now and this is the only thread I have come back to have an update on.

You are one amazing lady, I hope it works out for you and DD. Stay strong, being calm and level headed like you are, in my opinion, is so powerful.

I was in a similar situation 5 yrs ago and a lot of what you have written could have been me except I didn't have savings. Took 4 months to find out it was an affair, wouldn't admit it even though my children knew before me (and didn't know how to tell me) I left home 6 months later (ran a business from there so not an option to stay in my home). My only regret is not leaving sooner as it showed a complete lack of respect for our 25 years of marriage, so we'll done for taking yourself away from the situation.

Stay strong xx

CalmItKermitt · 25/07/2017 08:44

But what actually happened when he came back?

He's a cunt, btw.

Bluntness100 · 25/07/2017 08:47

My take on it is he wants out. He had his eye on mates GF

That's ridiculous. I agree I think he is having second thoughts about the relationship, and there may indeed be someone else, but I doubt very much it's he fancies his mates girlfriend.Hmm

ginnystonic · 25/07/2017 09:48

I've just read your update.

I was convinced I was going to read that he had arrived home with a bunch of flowers and a sincere apology and you'd had a heart to heart talk and we're back on the same page.

I'm shocked and saddened he appears to be somehow putting this on you by 'punishing' you by the sulking and silent treatment.

Obviously excluding you in the first place shows he's not a very nice man, and now his behaviour reinforces that. It wasn't a mistake, he intentionally excluded you without considering your feelings, and still has no regard for them.

I'm so sorry you are going through this, draw strength from your family and DD, take some time. It appears as if he wants out of your relationship. It's time you started thinking of yourself first. Flowers

dawnz · 25/07/2017 10:20

I discovered my DH had been having an emotional (at least - not sure how much further it went) affair, during separation negotiations for the breakup of our 16yr marriage, which separation was occurring for different - though I now realise interconnected - reasons. Eight months later he still refuses to admit he did anything wrong, neither in regard to infidelity nor any of his other actions/inactions that contributed to breakdown of our supposedly made-for-each-other marriage.

Instead, over the ten months since he realised I was genuine about wanting to separate, he has constantly told me I'm a rubbish parent (I am our DD's main carer and always have been), an awful person ("fat and ugly"), and a child abuser (because I told DD15 that her Dad had been having an EA with the Mum of a kid at DD's school - I was adamant DD wasn't to find out via local or school gossip, and her dad refused to speak to her about it).

So, SpiritedLondon, I think there's a fair chance that no perspective will be gained by certain males once they have dug their heels into the 'not me, guv' position as to their marriage breakup and their own personal activities. It has become really apparent to me that there are certain people - very intelligent and even kindly men sometimes - who will go to enormous lengths not to take any responsibility for their own actions when they have to face the hit to their pride that occurs because of marriage breakdown. Even while they're saying they do not want the relationship to end, they still love DW, etc, they continue blaming her entirely for their own failings. Abuse piles on top of abuse.

It is soul-destroying, and there seems to be no way out other than to LTB in every way one possibly can. Staying as silent and distant as possible, as Shankarankalina says. In the case of those of us with children, that has to be done while still trying to keep extant whatever parental communication is necessary. It's incredibly difficult to maintain personal equilibrium, and I am still finding it quite exhausting months down the track.

I wish the OP all the best as she works through this - however it ends up. Be very glad you have supportive parents for you and your DD. Much love. Sad

dawnz · 25/07/2017 10:24

My DH is now my exDH, I should be clear.

Original poster
AVY1 · 25/07/2017 11:15

Hi everyone. He went to see his parents yesterday.

He doesn't want out. There isn't anyone else. However, he's been finding it hard to cope with certain things and that seems to have triggered his OCD. This was diagnosed as a teenager and whilst I've been aware it is part of him in the years we've been together it's not something he's actively suffered from.

I've spoken to his mum and she said, without excusing the lying incident, that the vileness is exactly the way it presented when he was 15.

He's agreed to go to GP. In fact should be there now.

He is obviously overwhelmed and in his words he wanted to run away - not from me or DD - but to pretend that the other parts of his 'real life' didn't exist.

I'm not going to go home today but have made it clear that I want to. And that I want to support him but that doesn't excuse the behaviour and that, separately, there has been a breakdown in our relationship somewhere where he doesn't feel able to talk to me.

But priority has to be him getting treatment. Then we can see how and where we can go from there.

OP posts:
ajandjjmum · 25/07/2017 11:23

You are an amazing wife and mum.

I hope your DH gets the help he needs - and the real DH comes back to you soon.

Flowers
IdentifiesAsYoda · 25/07/2017 11:28

Good

I wish you well.

Mental Health problems are a bastard for everyone concerned

peekyboo · 25/07/2017 11:31

Did you get this information from him or his mother?

I'm not doubting that he needs help but wonder if it's similar to him relaying reasons via his friend before he came home.

Original poster
AVY1 · 25/07/2017 11:39

I've spoken to both his parents and him separately.

His dad told me about some things from his late teens that I didn't know about. It does make sense in the context of what happened when he got home and certainly explains his aggressive 'I don't want to deal with this' approach and fixation on blaming everything and everyone else, whilst telling me he was sick of me always having an excuse.

Friends want to distance themselves for a while, which I completely understand. It's not their circus. I'm appalled they were dragged in to it.

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 25/07/2017 11:44

It's strange that he can open up to his friend and explain how he feels and he can open up to his mother and express himself perfectly rationally, yet he can't even text you back or apologise.

It sounds like he's getting people on 'his side' whilst you're still willing to let him call the shots. By the time you've had enough of him, he will already have lots of support around him and you'll be left out in the cold.

If it were me, I would call him and insist on a proper meeting where he explains everything that happened and why he made each and every one of those decisions that led to this moment. He should apologise for the way he treated you and be able to reliably assure you that it won't happen again.

At the moment it's still all about him.

HCantThinkOfAUsername · 25/07/2017 11:44

Gosh this is all so awful, you've handled the situation a lot better than I would have. I hope he gets the help he needs and that it causes no more stress for you. Be kind to yourself Flowers

MargotLovedTom1 · 25/07/2017 11:46

Bit harsh on the part of the friends, but that's the least of your worries. Hope all turns out well OP.

JaneEyre70 · 25/07/2017 11:49

Was there any sign of this before he went away OP? Can you see that this has been building, or is it a convenient excuse to justify his behaviour towards you? I am not showing disregard to any MH issues but this seems very "odd" and even now he's not turning to you about it..........I'd be very concerned for my marriage tbh and wouldn't go home just yet. I'd stand back for a while and let the picture build in front of me, for your sake and your DD's.

JaneEyre70 · 25/07/2017 11:51

And the fact that his friends want to distance themselves would also be ringing one or two alarm bells.........

Icewindfire98 · 25/07/2017 11:53

Glad to hear there is no one else and that he is seeking treatment. Hope your family and relationship can repair itself.