To feel hurt that DP is going on a couples holiday without me because I can't afford it?

[LeafyCulprit]

Been together 5.5 years now. Lived together for 3.5 of those. Relationship really good in all areas (That is the truth, honest) and we are very happy the majority of the time.

So as not to drip feed, DP is a high earner, takes home a v good wage, earns 3 x my salary and (for some reason) has disclosed to me that he has £80,000 in savings sitting in the bank. (I knew he had a fair amount of savings, but not that much)

Anyway, each year our group of 4 couples tend to holiday together. (They are all high earners really) I've never not been able to afford it before and so we have always gone.

There was a message from the 'organiser' of our group on the group whatsapp chat a few weeks ago, wanting to book a pretty expensive holiday together in February. Everyone agreed, I looked at it and just know I'm not going to be able to afford it. I'm really struggling with money at the moment and have a lot to pay out for on the next few months, then we'll have Christmas etc.

I hadn't had a chance to speak to DP properly about it but did say, out loud when the text came through that I wouldn't be able to afford to go. He didn't say anything.

He's just informed me that they're 'booking the holiday next week' and he'll be going without me seeing as I can't afford it.

AIBU to feel hurt? I feel like after 5.5 years we should be a partnership and I know 100% that if I had £80,000 in the bank in savings, I would pay for my partner to go on a £1,200 holiday, even if they paid me back in instalments (which I wouldn't want)

I just feel embarrassed as everyone else is going and I know that's life and you can't expect to be able to do everything, but if it was the other way around, I'd just sit this one out of pay for him to go if I could afford it, rather than spend a week away with 3 other loved up couples on my own.

I know this is going to come across as grabby and I promise I'm not, I pay my equal share for all household expenses and bills. For me it's just about kindness

@user1498193554 tight bastard. I'd be tempted to leave.

I am so sorry, but everything about this set up is wrong. The thing that would bother me the most is that he hasn't discussed it with you. If you are in a partnership, then that's what you do, you work as a team and help each other out when one of you is going through a financial rough patch.

After 5 years, I would be thinking about whether I should be staying with a man who doesn't value me as a partner. There is something very wrong about him even wanting to go away with a bunch of couples and not have you by his side. How will he explain it and what will they think of him?

I would have a serious think about how committed he is to you.

I can't believe this. This is not a proper relationship. What's more I bet he tells his friends something along the lines of you being too busy. He won't admit he just wouldn't pay for you. If he did it would mean he's stupid as well as mean and I doubt he's stupid. I'm sorry, why are you with a man who clearly doesn't care about you. It may be that everything is just fine, but he clearly doesn't love or respect you. It's heartbreaking. One day you'll meet someone who does and you'll see this fucknut for what he is. I hope that happens soon. Get rid!

I feel so hurt for you. If he truly loved you, he wouldn't enjoy a holiday away without you. The fact that he's even contemplating going away without you speaks volumes about the man. This does not bode well for your future together. Sorry to be so blunt, but I feel you should not waste a further five years of your life on this selfish man. Go on a holiday you can afford, with some good girlfriends perhaps, and find a kind man with partner potential. You need to respect yourself in a way which he does not. There's a good man waiting for you out there somewhere. Go get him. Best of luck.

Am lost for words.
I recently split with my boyfriend as I had major alarm bells ringing as to his 'tightness'
I hope all works out for you, but I also think you need to consider a lot of the advice that others have given you on here

My ex DP was like this. I was on minimum wage and he earned double. He was tight and selfish. Sometimes he went out without me as I couldn't afford it, it wasn't a partnership.
I am so glad I didn't get married to him and have children with him. Now I am out of that relationship and looking back I realise I have dodged a bullet.
Op forget about how many years you have been together, just think about your future.

He's told you who he is. Listen & get as far away from this as you can. You're being treated as a lodger not a long term partner. This will only ever get worse. Mean will always be mean. Do you want to be in a.position where you have to account for every single penny you spend it have to beg for money for babies nappies?? That's exactly where this is going. I'm so sorry, but your 'D'P is financially abusing you as well as being an utter tosspot.

This sounds miserable. Do the other couples want a gooseberry there? I would leave a man if he behaved this way. Not friendly and not kind.

My ex - boyfriend booked a holiday with another couple when i couldn't afford to go & couldn't get time off due to new job. Thats why he's my ex. Always had to pay half when we went out & wouldn't let me move in with him when i was between jobs. He wasn't well off just plain mean. Leave him before you start a family.

I'm lost for words because meanness in anyone is my pet hate!! What a fuckwit!! I think you should dump the tight arsed bastard!!!

Two issues here: firstly: his supreme tightness, to the extent that he's accused you of tricking him with money over a previous holiday, and won't lend you money when he's pretty loaded.
Secondly, the lack of partnerliness - he's happy to go off without you when really by now you should be a unit. He shouldn't even want to be go without you.

If there is anything to salvage, you must iron out these problems. Don't even think about agreeing to any proposal until you've resolved things fully and you're equals in the partnership.

Golly, the more I read MN, the more I realise that my DH is wonderful!

My tightwad XH and I would get to the pub, he'd ask why everyone was having, get the round in and then turn to me and say "well go on then, we have to pay now"

So he'd act the big bountiful life and soul and then expect me to pay out of my own funds for a round that he'd decided to get.

I depised him for that but despised myself more for letting him do it for so long.

As you were, folks.

Erm...I'd be leaving him!
He's chosen to go on a holiday that he knows you can't afford and hasn't even offered to pay some money towards it with all those savings. What is wrong with him?????!

What the he'll that is awful. Can tell from your post you have a generous spirit-your partner is so mean. Sad for you though you must be hurting.

This isn't a partnership - cut your losses and go. So what if he earns mor than you - does he also eat of different plates, sleep on better sheets, eat better food?
It's either a committed partnership or it's not.
Sorry, but this is a big message he is giving you.
Give him a big message back.

I am sorry but if I was left out of a couples holiday in this way, after spending 4 years with a man whom claimed to love me I would be out of the door.

Sorry to sound so unkind but he has the money why wouldn't he want to give you the chance to come....

He IS being very unkind, he is not esp generous either and I wonder why you would want to be with a man that treats you this way after so long together? (most people would be living jointly or married by now anyway and would be sharing everything)

I think you are being treated very badly, and it is not a good sign of things to come OP

I'm cringing reading this.

OP, what would you do if you mustered up the courage to leave him and then he whipped out a huge sparkly rock and proposed to you? Would you accept?

He sounds truly awful, an opinion corroborated by hundreds of other posters on here. God I hope for your sake that you take it all of these comments on board.

come should be go

Leafy I would go as far as to say this man does not love you at all, if he did he would never hurt you like this.

Please dump him x

"You don't have children, so his money is not your money."

So 16 years ago when DH was working part time because he wasnt well enough to work full time. I was the full time breadwinner i should have said to him "tough shit mate no such thing as "our" money as we dont have kids.

So childfree by choice people should be naturally expecting less from a relationship just because they havent got living proof that they have had sex without contraception.

As a childfree by choice woman i should expect some second class type of relationship?

Fuck that shit!

Ive seen a few similar comments from others on this thread and couldnt not speak up.

Oh and OP............LTB

Is he for real??

That's not a partnership or even a relationship, that's friends sharing a property with sex benefits.

What's going to happen if you have a baby? "Oh sorry son, mum's turn to shop so you have cheap own brand nappies this week..."

If he's not willing to help you pay (or even pay for the trip if you return the loan (in my opinion that sucks too)) then it's time to find a new fella.

Total selfish bastard.
if you're planning on having children this man would not make a good father.
Ditch him as he's made it clear how little you mean to him.

Please update us! Did he surprise you and say he's paid for you both?

What a horrible man he sounds.