To feel hurt that DP is going on a couples holiday without me because I can't afford it?

[LeafyCulprit]

Been together 5.5 years now. Lived together for 3.5 of those. Relationship really good in all areas (That is the truth, honest) and we are very happy the majority of the time.

So as not to drip feed, DP is a high earner, takes home a v good wage, earns 3 x my salary and (for some reason) has disclosed to me that he has £80,000 in savings sitting in the bank. (I knew he had a fair amount of savings, but not that much)

Anyway, each year our group of 4 couples tend to holiday together. (They are all high earners really) I've never not been able to afford it before and so we have always gone.

There was a message from the 'organiser' of our group on the group whatsapp chat a few weeks ago, wanting to book a pretty expensive holiday together in February. Everyone agreed, I looked at it and just know I'm not going to be able to afford it. I'm really struggling with money at the moment and have a lot to pay out for on the next few months, then we'll have Christmas etc.

I hadn't had a chance to speak to DP properly about it but did say, out loud when the text came through that I wouldn't be able to afford to go. He didn't say anything.

He's just informed me that they're 'booking the holiday next week' and he'll be going without me seeing as I can't afford it.

AIBU to feel hurt? I feel like after 5.5 years we should be a partnership and I know 100% that if I had £80,000 in the bank in savings, I would pay for my partner to go on a £1,200 holiday, even if they paid me back in instalments (which I wouldn't want)

I just feel embarrassed as everyone else is going and I know that's life and you can't expect to be able to do everything, but if it was the other way around, I'd just sit this one out of pay for him to go if I could afford it, rather than spend a week away with 3 other loved up couples on my own.

I know this is going to come across as grabby and I promise I'm not, I pay my equal share for all household expenses and bills. For me it's just about kindness

Her DP sees it as a dive trip project that he has awaited for a long time and since OP is not a keen diver, she won't be losing much and the dynamics of the trip won't suffer if she isn't there - I see your point @fatdogs, but the way he went about it is excluding and, well, mean. I had an ex like this - he'd be lovely, lovely, lovely, and then unexpectedly pull the carpet out from under me and then back to lovely, lovely, lovely. It was bewildering and unnerving - it was only after I dumped him that I realised how insidious it all was.

If the OP's boyfriend feels the way you describe, then he should say so. "Dearest Heart, My Moon and My Stars, you've been wiped out by the thing that just happened. This holiday is 99% diving and we'll be out diving all day, every day. I could pay for you or lend you the cash, but mostly I'd be paying/lending for you to be bored silly, when we could go away for a week in March to [insert other, less expensive place] and have a blast together then instead - how about that? I don't want you to feel left out, but I don't want you to be pissed off at being bored on a £££ holiday when you can least afford it."

He has pointed out many times that I would be paying a lot more than that to rent a small 2 bedroom house to myself
Wow, what a joy he is to be with eh? Don't you just feel like saying "oh fuck off" and renting somewhere without him when he says that? It might be smaller or in a different area, but this guy seems to think he's doing you a favour by allowing you to be there. He's a stingy, joyless git.

Are you talking yourself into this shit because of the years you've invested? Id bet all those great bits don't cover for the very off bits, not really when you let yourself dwell on the dissonance.

I met my DH when I was nearly 30 OP - why spend another day with someone who affords you so little respect.

Fatdogs you miss the point. Your flat no matter how grotty is your flat. You have a contract with notice periods and you know that when you sign said contract and you pay your rent that is where you will be living for the next 6 months.

The op has no guarantee that she will be staying in the house for the next 6 seconds never mind 6 months. At any point in time she could be out on her ear with absolutely nothing.

I hate threads like this
Where the op just can't yet/won't yet see the true state of their relationship

If you didn't live there, he wouldn't have the savings he does! Leaving the dog out, he'd have to pay for food, a cleaner, sky, 50% of the bills....

You are subsidising his life style, and getting little out of it. You could live cheaper without him!

OP - when I met DH I was also about 23 and he was 27. I was probably on about £20K, he was on about £200-£300K - not because he worked any harder than me, but because he was in banking and could get very high bonuses. He never expected me to pay for anything - holidays included. He had proposed before I moved into his flat, but we got a joint account at that point. We soon moved to a new place in a better area of London (which was less of a batchelor pad and which I chose). At this point the mortgage was in both our names, though he had almost £1 million in various funds and I obviously had very little to contribute in comparison.

Fast forward 20 years, I became a SAHM since having our first of 4 DC. I have not contributed financially for 14 years and even if I had it would have been a drop in the ocean because he's made a lot of money over that period. He has never made enough me feel indebted to him in any way.
Your DP sounds extremely odd to me. I'm sorry.

I hate threads like this. Where the op just can't yet/won't yet see the true state of their relationship

This is one of the reasons I dislike a lot of threads on MN where they get a huge and very invested response very quickly. People demand updates, demand that the OP LTB instantly and get annoyed if she doesn't demonstrate she is taking MN advice, preferably by providing blow-by-blow updates of her actually LTBing as she posts. It's not a fucking soap opera, it's someone's life.

The OP may decide to LTB, but as anyone who's been in even a vaguely abusive relationship knows, it's not an overnight process. So perhaps give her some space to process everything.

Agree^

People are being really dismissive of op's capabilities. She said she was going to discuss it all with him today and make a decision. Posters are being really quite nasty assuming she's not going to ltb. She's doing it on her own schedule not yours!

I completely agree. This has got to be really difficult reading for the OP and it will obviously take time to come to terms with the situation.
OP I hope you have people to talk to in real life and can find support there too.

Sounds awful.

I just think someone as stingy as this would eventually suck the joy out of life everywhere he went. He would never be that kind person who would solve a stranger's emergency if it implied him being out of pocket, for example as he can't even do it for the person he is supposed to love.

@oliversmumsarmy fair enough then let's say the OP is living in a situation akin to that of someone who is in a night by night hotel. Where the hotel could ask you to leave at the end of each night before you pay for the next. Even the cheapest most flea infested place would cost you more than 800 per month and you can get it won't have amenities nor be in a lovely location and refurbished like the barn conversion. So as far as costs invested by the OP in her living situation she has lucked out and benefited.
The issue here is the fact that there may be different interpretations between OP and her DP of what this trip is about. And more I portantly different interpretations of their relationship.

So he gets free food and many of his bills being paid, a maid and sex on tap.
You get the privilege of living there for, slightly cheaper than on your own.

No wonder he's laughing.

Wow OP, I hope you are ok. I think he's being selfish and I would be questioning your relationship.

A few things my dad taught me:

1. when you start a relationship with "the one" move into a new home - that way it's yours jointly and never his or yours and you both take care and pay for it together. (I know this isn't possible for everyone).
2. there should be a joint account - you both contribute a certain % of your salary to cover the bills Mortgage and necessities like food equally. You keep the rest and do what you want.
3. you never coerce a man into marrying you - it will never work if he feels trapped (my twice divorced sister is proof!).

From my perspective, when I was working I earned 3x what my DP did. Within months I knew he was the one and I paid off his student loan and bought him a (cheap) car to help him get his business started. Not much but it was a sign of our commitment and now that I'm PT and not earning as much the tables have turned and I want for nothing. I would never have dreamed of going without my DP.

Even the cheapest most flea infested place would cost you more than 800 per month

I think you need to look around at what you can get for your money.

As the op's dp has said for what she pays she wouldn't be able to rent a 2 bed house. What we are trying to explain is the op wouldn't need a 2 bed house she would more than manage with a 1 bed flat and then her related costs would plummet also. Equally her dp's costs would rise hugely.

The OP hasn't said where in the country she lives (unless I've missed it?). Not everybody lives in London and there are plenty of areas where you can rent a nice place for that amount.

Im sorry but I'd be calling time on the Relationship. This is a massive red flag. Imean what else won't he support you in.

Why is he wanting to go away with couples for.

Oh don't get me wrong. I wouldn't bank on you having a whale of time anyway. Going with that Tight arse.

I don't believe op (and I hope I am wrong) that you will leave. You like the idea of living in a converted barn in the countryside than a 1 bed flat in town even if ultimately you would be worth far more and have a far more stable future.

Over the next 12 months you will spend £9000 + going out expenses and all the rest trying to keep up with everyone living in a coverted barn miles from anywhere.

If you had a flat near to your work and you didn't have to subsidise and feed another person and you didn't have all the rest of the expenses think of how much money you could save.

This time next year you could be buying your own place

Off post slightly, but I've been with my boyfriend for 15 months and generally I pay for everything, have arranged lots of weekends away for us, never ask anything of him because I love doing things for him but this post rings a bell. And recently his penny pinching reached new heights- he realised I'd used some of his shower gel (only once ) and he didn't want me to use it as it was 'designer'. We don't live together, he earns approx ten times my salary , and owns multiple properties, and happily arranges trips away for himself.Your post is currently raising flags for me. But more importantly you deserve more than he is giving you. Xx

That's horrible. And if he is letting you pay half the shared bills instead of pro-rating it based on income then no wonder you don't have money to splash on holidays. I can't believe this situation hasn't pricked him into revising your financial arrangements altogether. I think you need a blunt conversation where you say clearly how this holiday thing makes you feel (it would make me feel very hurt indeed) and also that you can't keep up with his lifestyle on your salary, but do want to share your life with him, and ask him what he thinks you should jointly do about this.

Ok i'm going to take a deep breathe and go run with this:
You are with someone who does not value you, see you as an equal and is potentially embaressed by you with his cliche.
Either throw it wide and challenge him to take you or tell him to go fuck him self with a bunch of rolled up 50s.... the odious prick.

Leave him ... preferably while he's away on his selfish, mean-spirited, money-hogging couples holiday. If he doesn't think of you as his "couple" now, he's never going to. And frankly he sounds like a total dick. I know I'd never be able to forgive him either his snub - cos that's what I see this as - nor his parsimonious attitude.

Get rid , he's a miserable mean spirited shit !

Wow, just wow....
When you have children, would you be expected to pay for half the child's holiday? And if you can't, the child would not go?

You leave together, does it mean that when he eats lobster, you only eat potatoes?

Really, I am lost for words here....