To feel hurt that DP is going on a couples holiday without me because I can't afford it?

[LeafyCulprit]

Been together 5.5 years now. Lived together for 3.5 of those. Relationship really good in all areas (That is the truth, honest) and we are very happy the majority of the time.

So as not to drip feed, DP is a high earner, takes home a v good wage, earns 3 x my salary and (for some reason) has disclosed to me that he has £80,000 in savings sitting in the bank. (I knew he had a fair amount of savings, but not that much)

Anyway, each year our group of 4 couples tend to holiday together. (They are all high earners really) I've never not been able to afford it before and so we have always gone.

There was a message from the 'organiser' of our group on the group whatsapp chat a few weeks ago, wanting to book a pretty expensive holiday together in February. Everyone agreed, I looked at it and just know I'm not going to be able to afford it. I'm really struggling with money at the moment and have a lot to pay out for on the next few months, then we'll have Christmas etc.

I hadn't had a chance to speak to DP properly about it but did say, out loud when the text came through that I wouldn't be able to afford to go. He didn't say anything.

He's just informed me that they're 'booking the holiday next week' and he'll be going without me seeing as I can't afford it.

AIBU to feel hurt? I feel like after 5.5 years we should be a partnership and I know 100% that if I had £80,000 in the bank in savings, I would pay for my partner to go on a £1,200 holiday, even if they paid me back in instalments (which I wouldn't want)

I just feel embarrassed as everyone else is going and I know that's life and you can't expect to be able to do everything, but if it was the other way around, I'd just sit this one out of pay for him to go if I could afford it, rather than spend a week away with 3 other loved up couples on my own.

I know this is going to come across as grabby and I promise I'm not, I pay my equal share for all household expenses and bills. For me it's just about kindness

God this thread is sad. it reminds me of when I had no self esteem and lived with a man who didn't value me as anything more than a domestic apliance

If you were to ever have children there would be a period where you would need to feed yourself and buy things. You can either "single parent" is by living off your meagre maternity pay on tins of beans, while he demands you pay 'your' share of the bills, and then you'll be back to work coughing up your salary, alone, on childcare, and chances are it will cost more than you earn and he will refuse to 'lend' you any. You will either go deep into credit card debt trying to keep your and your child well, or you'll live in poverty.

A partnership is just that.

There is nothing pleasant about someone who "sometimes" pays for you, who "might" lend you money. Your relationship has blinded you to what real couples do.

The person you choose to spend your life with should be someone who values you more than money, more than a fancy house, more than a flashy holiday.

Money comes and goes. A high earner could be disabled tomorrow, and none of us know what's around the corner. What really matters is that we can count on the people we share our lives with to support us through bad times and good, and that we commit to supporting them in return.

Anyone who values money more than you will never make a good life partner. Life with them will be an endless series of debits and credits, of totting up who 'owes' who, and of silent resentment and going without. If the unexpected ever happens and you need their help, it will be treated as a debt to be paid, not a challenge for the both of you to overcome together.

Nobody should live like that.

To you he is the man you love.

To him you are the woman who owes him £150.

It says it all really.

Go and see a solicitor.

A male friend of mine got legal advice before buying a house for him and his girlfriend to live in. He was told to keep the mortgage and all the bills in his name and to make sure the payments came out of his accounts.

My ex was tight, and I ended up paying half of the bills even when on maternity and then half the bills and all of the childminder fees when I went back to work, I kicked him out in the end.

I've been with my DP 1 year and last November he won £1000 on a scratch card, he gave me half, just gave it to me, no strings attached just wanted me to have half because he knew it would make a difference to my kids Christmas.

It's not about the money, and whether it's £50, £500 or £5000 it's about the care and the thought behind it.

I am in a similar situation. I am going on holiday with my DP and other couples and paying for it. Supposed to be booking this week. I read this thread, went to him and - pretending to have the mindset of the OP's partner - told him I was going without him and "explained" why ("you've got no money"). If you could have seen the look of confusion on his face that someone could do this, it may have helped you understand why you need to run for the hills now OP. Of course I quickly came clean and explained about this thread within seconds. He knows me so I guess he didn't really believe me anyway. But he expressed horror and disbelief at the your situation. You sound so lovely OP and my heart breaks for you.

I can't believe the 50's attitudes on here. By going to uni, getting a decent job and paying my own way in every relationship I've been in, I seem to be missing a trick. It seems that most women still believe that the shortcut to a life of luxury is to bat your eyelashes at a rich man. Remember - the OP isn't married, and doesn't have kids with this man. They are live-in boyfriend and girlfriend. I can understand the rationale for "family money" when children come along, but not now. If I was him and I saw this thread, I'd be so glad her name wasn't on my deeds as she'd be packed off her parents instead of seeing me as a meal ticket. Notice that the working, 20-something OP's alternative to living with her boyfriend is going back to her parents rather than her own two feet.

@PenguinOfDoom there are literally 3 posters out of hundreds who are being shitty. Everyone else has been kind and helpful. Better to ignore them rather than draw attention to them.

You need to change your username to harshandtotalbollocks

You're talking nonsense harsh. I pay my way and always have, but when you're in a long term relationship you should be a team - financially as well as emotionally. That means doing things you can both afford, and splitting outgoings in a proportionate way. That applies whether the woman or the man is the higher earner.

What do you think women should do while on maternity leave? Scrimp and save while their partner lives the life of riley?

I haven't had time to rtft, but as the holiday is in February, could he have paid for it as a surprise Christmas present?

1. It seems that if he let you share the mortgage it would imply that he has plans to co-own it with you at some point, get married and consider you a proper partner, unlike now. He has refused because he has no plans to share HIS house with you.

2. Even though you are paying no rent/mortgage you seem to not have any savings at all! Do you have to take part to his and his high-earners friends' expensive lifestyle?

3. You have so far provided everything he needs from you financially so everything has been alright. However, it looks as though when the day comes that you can't afford certain things (like NOW) you will see (have already) his other stingy and mean face.

4. Even if he proposed it would mean absolutely nothing. He could still keep you engaged for the foreseeable future and one day with or without your pressure he could break it off. It COULD mean something if he came with a proposed DATE TO GET MARRIED in the very near future.

Do ask him what he would do if you went on maternity leave for a year and couldn't contribute financially. Would he be prepared to pay everything by himself then or expect you to repay after you start work? Would he be ok with you working part-time when you finally return to work? Even if you are not planning to return part time, just ask him to see his reaction!

Notice that the working, 20-something OP's alternative to living with her boyfriend is going back to her parents rather than her own two feet

You need a deposit to start renting a flat. The OP said that she has recently had her savings wiped out some by some big outgoings (hence she can't pay for the £1200 holiday). Where is she meant to find a flat deposit at short notice?

I don't know which thread you are reading because your comments make no sense to actually what has happened.

I saw this thread, I'd be so glad her name wasn't on my deeds as she'd be packed off her parents instead of seeing me as a meal ticket

I very much doubt that would happen as the op has said before if you had read and had some understanding of what I going on. Everytime she has left he has made huge apologies to get her back because the only person who is on a meal ticket is him.

After 5.5 years if you are still paying your way and it is still a case if he owes, she owes then it is time to give up.

Annnnd...in swoop all the idiots who think they are too special to read the thread, but feel the OP needs the benefit of their unutterable drivel 🙄

If I were you OP I'd take a break to reflect. Officially move out and stay with my parents and save up. Use that time to reassess your relationship and see where it goes.

I don't believe in the ultimatum approach going forward. If he wants to marry you, he'll ask. Forcing the issue isn't healthy.

For what it's worth, my opinion is that he's a man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing and not the kind of person who will be happy to form an equal partnership.

My DH is very careful with money, but he is also very generous to me and DD.

Your post makes me feel very sad. You are only a few years older than my DD, and if she was in this situation I would be encouraging her to leave. Would it be possible to move back in with your parents for a couple of months until you can get the deposit together for a place of your own?

I do get the impression from your posts that you don't want to leave. My DM has spent 50 plus years being married to someone who didn't really care about her, and she never had the courage to do anything. She regrets it now, and thinks that she has not lived her life as best she could. Please don't do that.

I am with @harshbuttrue on this. I pay 850 on rent alone for a totally grotty falling apart at the seams one bedroom flat in London. I pay the bills, the cleaner and split food shopping , council tax and some other expenses with my partner who earns much less than me. We can't get a dog as we are working so much and dog walking expenses are not something we want to add to the pot right now. So the OP pays 800 to live in a lovely barn conversion, pay bills for things which she presumably benefits from. Quite an easy life if you ask me.
Having said that I can't imagine leaving my partner out and going on holiday without him if he couldn't afford it. I pay for the bulk of our holidays but I would rather that than not go with my partner.
The only time I would go on holiday without my partner is if it is a friends holiday. Could it be that OP sees it as a couples trip, but her DP sees it as a trip with his mates, especially if like a pp said the people going were from his friendship group that pre dates their relationship?
It could be that her DP has always talked about going on this dive trip and it's a long awaited experience. As OP Says, the whole group are keen divers and she isn't. So while she sees this as a holiday, her DP sees it as a dive trip project that he has awaited for a long time and since OP is not a keen diver, she won't be losing much and the dynamics of the trip won't suffer if she isn't there.

Urgh. I went out with someone like this for years. He had insane amounts of savings and wouldn't think twice about taking money from me, letting me pay for gifts for parties etc. Would "borrow" and never replace money from my purse but woe betide I borrow money off him. I'd be reminded constantly and he was the tightest person I ever knew. We split up for various reasons but my god I do not miss going out with someone mean. YANBU. You are a partnership. If he can't help towards it then I think he is BVU. Do you want a life like that?? I wouldn't!

I'd be bloody furious! And I'd have a full on fit of the screaming ab dabs! Point out to him you are a couple and as such the compromise is both go or neither one goes, no ifs, buts or maybes. Me being as volatile as I am id be threatening to not be there upon his return if he goes as a 'singleton' but I know my DH wouldn't even entertain going without me, mostly because he knows I'd kick off big time.
If you do not sort it, it may be the thin end of the wedge. Nip this selfishness in the bud.

Sending you and possibly op, you sound lovely and there's some harsh truths here. You are a good person I'm sure. You deserve love with a good person. They are out there if you can be brave enough to turn a mirror on your current relationship. Perhaps a weekend at a friend's or relatives might give you some thinking space. Best wishes to you.

You're not grabby. I'm sorry but have you considered he doesn't see a long term future with you? My hubby then boyfriend was paying for my holidays within months of meeting me - and I could afford them - he just saw us as a couple. The fact your partner wants to go on a couples holiday without you is a red flag.