To feel hurt that DP is going on a couples holiday without me because I can't afford it?

[LeafyCulprit]

Been together 5.5 years now. Lived together for 3.5 of those. Relationship really good in all areas (That is the truth, honest) and we are very happy the majority of the time.

So as not to drip feed, DP is a high earner, takes home a v good wage, earns 3 x my salary and (for some reason) has disclosed to me that he has £80,000 in savings sitting in the bank. (I knew he had a fair amount of savings, but not that much)

Anyway, each year our group of 4 couples tend to holiday together. (They are all high earners really) I've never not been able to afford it before and so we have always gone.

There was a message from the 'organiser' of our group on the group whatsapp chat a few weeks ago, wanting to book a pretty expensive holiday together in February. Everyone agreed, I looked at it and just know I'm not going to be able to afford it. I'm really struggling with money at the moment and have a lot to pay out for on the next few months, then we'll have Christmas etc.

I hadn't had a chance to speak to DP properly about it but did say, out loud when the text came through that I wouldn't be able to afford to go. He didn't say anything.

He's just informed me that they're 'booking the holiday next week' and he'll be going without me seeing as I can't afford it.

AIBU to feel hurt? I feel like after 5.5 years we should be a partnership and I know 100% that if I had £80,000 in the bank in savings, I would pay for my partner to go on a £1,200 holiday, even if they paid me back in instalments (which I wouldn't want)

I just feel embarrassed as everyone else is going and I know that's life and you can't expect to be able to do everything, but if it was the other way around, I'd just sit this one out of pay for him to go if I could afford it, rather than spend a week away with 3 other loved up couples on my own.

I know this is going to come across as grabby and I promise I'm not, I pay my equal share for all household expenses and bills. For me it's just about kindness

I am a sahm, I pay 4 nothing my partner has a pretty good job but works very hard! We have also lived together 3.4 years! I do all the washing and stuff in the the house and look after baby most of the time! I have accesses to all my partner money he would never leave me out of anything and never makes me feel bad about money spend! I think this is really bad or maybe my partner is just to nice lol! Your a partnership he should just pay 4 you I can't understand it

I would leave him over that, horrible person!

You're so young! Please don't waste any more of your best years on this selfish man. He doesn't love you like he should. It screams out of the examples you've given.
You sound lovely, please don't let him treat you like this.

God Harsh anything else you want to throw out there?! Not everyone is destined to have a high flying job. Because the world is made up of different people. We need all different people to do jobs like work as a bus driver or shop assistant. Or should she only be with someone of equal financial standing? You fall in love with the person not the money.

Poor OP. Really hoping we get an update that it was a big suprise.

Update OP? Hope your ok!

My now husband has always earn't a lot more than me, and I know on a few holidays pre children he has paid towards holidays which I wouldn't be able to afford otherwise. I always tried to pay him back with cheques but he never cashed them as he said it was more important that we made memories together and that I was his future and whilst he earnt more it was me that made him happy and not his job. I'm sorry but your boyfriend sounds like an arse x

Jesus christ....almost 6 years together and you didnt even know how much savings he had...my partner and me share everything with eachother...money isnt a problem it all goes into the same pot and we get on with it! How can you possibly trust this person if theyre willing to leave you behind and keep sectets like that? Sounds like a 5.5 year waste of time to me!

I'm surprised he hasn't offered to at least lend you the money so that you can go. You could have agreed on a payback plan for what you can afford. Doesn't sound very nice to be honest, and I'd be hurt too. I'd also be rethinking my future with this selfish man.

He sounds so controlling. It's good you've learnt this now. PPs you are wrong about paying towards the mortgage. Even if she had, the OP wouldn't have any claim on the property as it's his house. I doubt he's put her name on the deeds! I've always earned significantly more than my OH but we've always shared our money. When we moved in together and he needed a car I gladly used my savings (which was about a 1/4 of what the OPs "d"p had). We'd been together less than a year.

Maybe it's the 26 years I've been married, but I'm stunned that he would do this. I can't imagine him not offering to pay for you. Really poor behaviour.

Take it from somebody older and years on finally wiser. This will not change.

Also, I'll be very surprised if the DM don't pick this up so you'll be outed anyway!

Seriously, get out.

Hmm - I have heard of worse (one example of the things that a friend tolerated from her very well-off but notoriously mean / tight arsed partner, was that he sold her a jacket that no longer fitted him, but it did fit her) but this is really awful. I haven't RTFT, but by the looks of it there seems to be no redeeming aspects to this unless he is just paying for it as a surprise and teasing the OP in the interim, which is not particularly funny IMO.

Had an ex a bit like this- when just the 2 of us it was all fine. But the alarm bells went off when we first went out with his work mates who all earned well over 4x my salary. It was extortionate but all the employees paid for their partners. He paid for me in front of everyone, then asked for the money back the next day. I was left broke for the rest of the month, he simply had no understanding of what it was like living on that salary, but at the time I felt so inadequate that I blamed myself for not earning enough!

The next time we went out on a potentially expensive night out, I told him I couldn't afford to pay out anything over £x. He just suggested I meet them later in the night to save myself money. Needless to say, I didn't bother meeting him again. Ever. And I was sorry that I even wasted that much time on him.

OP, what's happening with you is much more serious. Why would he want to take a couple's holiday without you, his other half? And why not even go on your own, cheaper, affords holiday together instead so that he could be with you?

You deserve better. Sorry x

I think he is completely out of order. I could understand this if it was 6 months of dating but after 5&half years together, I would have thought there would be some sort of joint financial arrangements. This sounds like a complete lack of commitment and It sounds that he isn't in the same place that you feel you are. I'm really sorry but I think u need to ask whether u should still be together?

My partner and now husband always earned loads more money then me, he never expected me to pay for expensive holidays or half the household bills he knew I paid out for as much as I could afford!! As he said we are a partnership and we both put into the pot what we can!! Your partner sounds a very mean hard hearted man. I think you should ask your self if you were the big earner would you want to go on holiday without him!! I think u need to take a long look at this man and ask yourself does he deserve you!!

Doesnt sound like much of a partnership to be. I would feel very uneasy about this and future together if I were in your shoes. Xx

@PenguinOfDoom

Damn right. Give her time and if she decides to stay with him, that's her choice. It took me 6 years to leave my last partner. I had such low self esteem caused (imo) by his EA, that I could not see how i could manage without him.

😊

How old is OP (I can only see comments about her being 'young')? I had my first long-term boyfriend from 19-25. He was utterly self-centred. I met my husband when I was 30 and we've been married for 14 years. Looking back, I can't believe what I put up with from my first boyfriend, but it was probably necessary- the first pancake is always crappy.....

I'm sorry this is shocking.

OP - you deserve so much better than this.

He is using you for the contribution you make to his life when it suits him.

Please get out while you can - can you imagine marrying him and still being like this in 10 years? With kids?!! What will happen when you are on mat leave for example? This situation has got future financial abuse stamped all over it. You deserve better.

I didn't think I was "too special" Wombling Three, I simply hadn't had time to read all 35 pages.

Apologies for bothering you with my "unutterable drivel".

He does sound like a shit. Could he not pay for you if he has so much money or even lend it to you? He obviously doesnt think that much of you. He doesnt really want you to come either. Sorry

I think it's unfair that you contribute half. You should contribute in proportion to your income. If he earns more he should pay more end of! You've no chance of paying for holidays etc if you're paying more than is fair on a monthly basis.

He sounds supremely selfish to me.

Within a year of meeting my DP he paid for me to go on holiday with our friends to Miami because he didn't want to go without me. It wasn't a loan. FF 10 years and I am now the biggest earner. I pay for all our holidays and treats etc as he just can't afford it. I NEVER lend him money, I GIVE it to him. I love that I can treat him because I love him and in return he does all the housework, ironing, cooking etc. We're a team. Sorry OP your DP doesn't treat you as an equal. You're worth much more than that!