To give up on 8yo DD?

[ByeByeTether]

I have 3dc, a DS17 who despite being born to a teenage mum and having a useless father who has barely bothered with him, has turned out really well, is sensible, kind and funny. A dd6 who is lovely but clingy and accident prone (suspect dyspraxia). And dd8 who this thread is about.

During my pregnancy, abusive XH was having an affair with a 16yo girl and then had many affairs since, so things have never been easy. She was a fractious child and then went on to have some behavioural problems as a toddler - would hit other children. Despite the difficulties, I threw myself into motherhood, putting my career on hold and completely living for the children.

At around the time I left XH, dd1's behaviour deteriorated. She has no self esteem and will not accept compliments. She is violent and destructive and has 'meltdowns' every day. She's obese and very tall so I cannot physically control her.

After 3 years of begging for help but being turned away by all the professionals, the school stepped in and we now have a social worker, she's seeing CAMHS, has been accepted on to some other schemes but it feels like too little too late. The professionals are basically blaming me saying that I behave as an abuse victim and she has become the abuser. I have raised the possibility of an underlying condition such as ASD. They don't seem interested in exploring this avenue.

My problem is, I have nothing left emotionally or physically, to try and sort this out. I am quite ill with a chronic condition so I have barely any energy. I do not enjoy my DD's company and our bond is severely fractured. I don't know if I can get that back. I hate my situation and motherhood, it's now affecting my relationship with dd(6) and I am withdrawing further and further.

Their relationship with their dad (XH) is complicated. He's controlling and abusive to me still. He's seeing them EOW at the moment but has gone through phases of not seeing them at all and doesn't take proper care of them all the time. He would never have them full time as his girlfriends and his social life come first.

I have a week off work this week to spend with them. Usually I would be planning our time to pack in as many activities as possible but this time I don't want to do anything or go anywhere. I've spent the last week being battered by DD and I am dreading a week of the same. She's already kicked off this morning over her hair.

I have begun an online parenting course and signed up to emails from a parenting site but I feel like I'm past the point of being able to turn it around. I feel totally and utterly trapped with just one way out but I don't want to leave my DC without a parent and I could never do that to my family. Does anyone have any advice about where I go from here or has experienced similar? What do you do when you are at the end?

What is she like around others? In school?

There has been a couple of incidences at school but she's fairly well behaved there. Her report said she is exceeding expectations academically but struggles working with other children. We had a meeting at school recently and they said she tends to have superficial relationships and is on the periphery of friendship groups. She often misinterprets what other people say and is very emotional, cries a lot, especially if she is frustrated at herself.

I would want to check out ASD. Ask your GP to refer you to a paediatrician.

I think this is far more likely that abuser / abusee hypothesis.

ASD is VERY common. And can be very hard to deal with.

It sounds like ASD I agree. Girls often find it really hard to be diagnosed because they don't fit the stereotype. Suggest you pay for a private consultantation if possible.

She sounds VERY like my DC2 who, after 3 years of assessment, was recently diagnosed with ASD.
What are you doing about the obesity? Is her diet bad in general or just too much food/too little movement?

You think she may have ASD. This needs to be thoroughly explored and decided/discounted regardless of anything else you do. Because if she does, parenting her as if she is not is not going to work. Is the diagnostic pathway in your area through CAMHS?

I called my GP (you can't get an appointment unless it's urgent) and asked if there was any way they could refer her for an assessment but they never got back to me. We are on our third referral to CAMHS both tier two and three. Tier three do the assessments here but absolutely no mention of wanting to go down that route. She's suicidal and regularly threatens self harm so they are exploring that. Tier two are the people with the abuse hypothesis. We have been assigned a FIT worker but not sure when that starts. One of the professionals said at the meeting that her behaviour is a choice - ergo it's my parenting to blame.

Sorry, X-posts. She is obsessed with food but very picky as well. Her dad's family all have weight problems so to a degree I think it's genetic. But also, I rely on my mum currently for child care and she essentially just feeds them crap. Thinks it's appropriate to let them have £5 to spend on sweets and fizzy pop frequently despite my protestations. Having said that, my other two DC are healthy weights.

You need to work on her diet. Eating crap and so much of it could easily be having a bad effect on her mood and behaviour.

You still have to keep pushing - everyone - for a diagnosis.

If you can afford it it is possible to get a private diagnosis.

Also you can do your own research and parent her as if she does have a diagnosis and see if it helps. After all a diagnosis by itself doesn't help at all - it's what you do with that information that might help.

Talk to your doctor. I went into my gp and cried the whole time ! He gave me tissues and let me cry! Sounds totally stupid but I felt so much better when I left. He was able to get enough info out of me to write a referral a council session for ds. We are awaiting for this appointment, but because I feel calmer , he has also become calmer.
Pick a battle per day. Does her hair really have to be done? Do you have flow charts? Pick one thing you want to work on at a time. Slowly you will get there.
It's hard. Bloody hard but we are here to hold your hand one step at a time

I agree Crochet but my mum won't listen. I have secured childcare for most days after September which should help but they will still be going on some days. It's really difficult to get DD to listen and she's very sensitive about her weight so I have to tread carefully. Plus the meltdowns, I mostly choose the path of least resistance because I can't cope with her. I don't buy a lot of crap but she is constantly asking for food.

I'm sorry. That sounds unbelievably hard. I don't know if you can walk away from your child legally. I understand your wish and don't judge you. I don't have any help to offer but my heart went out to you when I read your post.

Yeah they always say that. Ignore.

She needs that assessment. Not because she definitely has ASD but because it is a distinct possibility and you need to know.
In the meantime, why not read up about ASD (and particular anxiety linked to asd) and try some of the parenting strategies recommended. If your dd has ASD then I guess a lot of her worst behaviours will relate to either sensory overload or anxiety and reducing these wil help.

Get an emergency GP appointment (because she's suicidal) and insist they refer her for assessment. Is there any way you could pay for a private assessment?

Op that sounds so overwhelming
Check out a parent ing course/ method called Hand in Hand Parenting. Totally different to anything else, no naught step or anything like. It's a really radical approach where the parent gets loads and loads of support. It's changed my family, I've seen it change an aggressive/violent, difficult troubled boy into a warm child who can cope with everyday stuff.

Sorry OP i type slowly. The "they always say that" was in response to you being told it's your parenting.

Im untrained, but it seems to me that although she's had a hard time (absolutely not your fault) in respect of witnessing the abusive relationship and then her Dad leaving, there is a deeper problem that AS Conditions could explain. As pp said its notoriously difficult to diagnose in girls.

It sounds as if she has in the intellectual ability to understand there is something 'different' and she's not 'fitting in' and this is what is causing her frustrations.

I think you need to be more proactive with your GP. It is an emergency if you no longer want to parent and she's self harming. Or can you pay privately for an assessment? Is the SENCO involved at school?

She's 8. She needs love.

I don't know its asd user but I've known quite a few people go through this particular journey where it was. And the point is - they need to know.

I mostly choose the path of least resistance because I can't cope with her.
But you can't do that! you are letting her down! The kids is crying out for boundaries.She has all teh control and doesn't know what to do with it.

user unless you are a specialist in diagnosing ASD (in girls) and have carried out your comprehensive assessment of this child, kindly STFU.

Hmm. Whilst I feel for the OP, I'm not sure how medicalising her daughter's problems, rather than addressing the OPs issues with relationships/'relating' is in the best interests of the child.

My DS isn't around much to help out. He has his own life and is very busy with his a-levels and work experience.

I have been to the GP multiple times about her, cried and pleaded for help. They refer to CAMHS and CAMHS have said no each time until the school did a referral. We have exhausted all the help available to us and there are professionals involved currently. There isn't anywhere else to turn unless we go private but I don't have the money.

It didn't always feel like this, it's been a process over many years where I've been left to deal with impossible behaviour on my own to the point where I hate her company.

Thank you for the parenting course suggestion. I will look into it.

Crochet

That was unnecessarily rude!