To give up on 8yo DD?

[ByeByeTether]

I have 3dc, a DS17 who despite being born to a teenage mum and having a useless father who has barely bothered with him, has turned out really well, is sensible, kind and funny. A dd6 who is lovely but clingy and accident prone (suspect dyspraxia). And dd8 who this thread is about.

During my pregnancy, abusive XH was having an affair with a 16yo girl and then had many affairs since, so things have never been easy. She was a fractious child and then went on to have some behavioural problems as a toddler - would hit other children. Despite the difficulties, I threw myself into motherhood, putting my career on hold and completely living for the children.

At around the time I left XH, dd1's behaviour deteriorated. She has no self esteem and will not accept compliments. She is violent and destructive and has 'meltdowns' every day. She's obese and very tall so I cannot physically control her.

After 3 years of begging for help but being turned away by all the professionals, the school stepped in and we now have a social worker, she's seeing CAMHS, has been accepted on to some other schemes but it feels like too little too late. The professionals are basically blaming me saying that I behave as an abuse victim and she has become the abuser. I have raised the possibility of an underlying condition such as ASD. They don't seem interested in exploring this avenue.

My problem is, I have nothing left emotionally or physically, to try and sort this out. I am quite ill with a chronic condition so I have barely any energy. I do not enjoy my DD's company and our bond is severely fractured. I don't know if I can get that back. I hate my situation and motherhood, it's now affecting my relationship with dd(6) and I am withdrawing further and further.

Their relationship with their dad (XH) is complicated. He's controlling and abusive to me still. He's seeing them EOW at the moment but has gone through phases of not seeing them at all and doesn't take proper care of them all the time. He would never have them full time as his girlfriends and his social life come first.

I have a week off work this week to spend with them. Usually I would be planning our time to pack in as many activities as possible but this time I don't want to do anything or go anywhere. I've spent the last week being battered by DD and I am dreading a week of the same. She's already kicked off this morning over her hair.

I have begun an online parenting course and signed up to emails from a parenting site but I feel like I'm past the point of being able to turn it around. I feel totally and utterly trapped with just one way out but I don't want to leave my DC without a parent and I could never do that to my family. Does anyone have any advice about where I go from here or has experienced similar? What do you do when you are at the end?

Another thing too; my last smear came back abnormal. My DM had cervical cancer when I was a child so that's also a big worry plus the anxiety around treatment and tests etc. I'm currently awaiting a colposcopy appointment.

OP, it really does sound like you're depressed. I've been on fluoxetine for over 10 years (with me it's chemical rather than situational) and I haven't had any side effects. Please, please consider them. They can be life changing.

Please do see the GP about depression, it would be more surprising not to be depressed with what you are going through. I take 120mg of Duloxetine, which is a complete bitch if I forget to take it, and apparently one of the hardest to come off later, but it gets me through the days a little easier. It is also useful in conjunction with painkillers for chronic pain, if that is an issue for you (sorry, I'm not sure exactly what chronic illness or symptoms you suffer from other than fatigue)

Byebye I'm thinking of you daily. Your posts really resonate with me.

Please if you can manage one thing today, pick up the phone and make an appointment to see your GP. I've just started on AD's after feeling like I couldn't cope with very basic things, much specifically linked to my eldest dd's behaviour. There are side effects experienced by some but after 2 weeks I feel like I have a new tolerance level.
I was able to do that hand exercise with her above and I feel able to follow through with parenting choices we've made instead of giving up. I had been shutting myself in my room to cry and plonking them all in front of the telly with breadsticks and water previously. The ADs are enabling me to cope. I have planned their dinner tonight and that feels so good.

I was petrified of antidepressants because of the side effects but when I actually took them they really weren't that bad. I'm sure you could find one that worked for you. Citalopram suited me but your gp will help you find the right one for you. It sounds like a no brainer trade off - you are going through such hell that the few side effects you may get should be more than balanced out by feeling/coping better.

OP so sorry to hear the latest.please, please talk to the GP.

Please speak to a solicitor. Get a no win no fee kind and let them fight for you.

Who gave you the bad advice legally?

I clicked on this thread as I sometimes can't cope with my dd aged 8. Guess what...she's being assessed for asd.

Fluxotine anti-d has been very helpful the last 6 months. Not a fix all but just takes the edge off daily stress. Side effects very minimal after a week or so for me.

Honey

Thanks for the update

You are depressed and the fact that you acknowledged it here it great as it's shows awareness

Imagine being on a path forward to happiness

Yes unbelievable right now

See a GP
Get the anti depressants to bolster you
Get strong enough to face the legal battle
Get stronger for handling DD (school holidays and she is better that's interesting)

Keep going
We are rooting for you

And it's a marathon not a sprint

Well don't for posting well done for being so self aware

OP "It's s vicious cycle though because the more depressed I get, the less I feel able to do the things that would help my situation."

Please see the GP and try some anti depressants, they may just help you cope wit these multiple problems. Prioritize the things you need to and find some peace for yourself in the middle of it.

"I don't even care about the negative comments about me on this thread or by the professionals. I feel completely numb and like a failure anyway."

The negative comments about you here are shocking and appalling, you are right not to care that random people on the internet who do not know you and clearly do not understand what you are going through have made negative comments. They do not understand.

"I feel quite detached from reality actually but i think that's my illness in part. I just think I've lost all hope and I don't want to try anymore. I don't know where to start."

To be honest I think this is very serious, you really do need to talk to the GP and get some help. I just wish I could give you a big hug. But even if I could, that would not really help you.

Please see the positives in your life!

1. You've raised your son who is almost an adult and you said "DS17 who despite being born to a teenage mum and having a useless father who has barely bothered with him, has turned out really well, is sensible, kind and funny."
2. You are raining your younger child who is "...dd6 who is lovely but clingy and accident prone (suspect dyspraxia)."
3. Yes, I know there are serious issues with your 8 year old but please hang in in there and find the strength to ask the GP for help. Do no hold back in telling GP what you need. Your daughter still needs you even if you don't feel like she does or do not feel you can help her. Sometimes it helps to think that the outside angry crusty 'shell' which one sees as the child who is being very problematic is just the outside, and it is being fuelled by a troubled child, who is trapped inside that shell. If this image doesn't help, don't use it. But for me I know my dd is a lovely and wonderful girl - the crusty exterior she shows to the world is not very lovable sometimes or very like-able, but inside she is still in there dealing with the issues she has, which I have not created, and together we are finding our way through it all.
4. You escaped your ex, and you need to stay strong to show him that you have survived.

I am sure there is more but I think you need to find the good to focus on.

My dd is hard work and I totally get a tiny part of where you are coming from. The other day dd opened up to me about what is going on for her, I was able to write it all down and pass it on to the PCAMHS. It came at the end of a really shit evening with a massive (for us) meltdown. When I told our PCAMHS 'worker' she said the information was really useful. I know it was hard to get to the point of talking but once we got to it then it was better. And I could not really stop her talking about how she was feeling, and a lot of it was really stuff I had not realised.

I agree with a previous poster to ask your GP or PCAMHS to explore Prader-Willi syndrome.

"Introduction

Prader-Willi syndrome (PWS) is a rare genetic condition that causes a wide range of problems.
These may include:
a constant desire to eat food, which seems driven by a permanent feeling of hunger and can easily lead to dangerous weight gain
restricted growth, leading to short stature
reduced muscle tone (hypotonia)
learning difficulties
lack of sexual development
behavioural problems, such as temper tantrums or stubbornness"

The only area that doesn't seem to fit is that she is tall for her age but the info says "These may include - restricted growth, leading to short stature" And I know you said she was tall for her age.

Even if this is the cause of your dd's issues it won't provide all the answers of how to deal with the behavior but it may open up more avenues to get help. www.pwsa.co.uk/

I am not attempting to diagnose by internet, just to back up what a previous poster said, as a possibility.

Thinking of you. I am praying that there will be a turning point and things will get better. Please make an urgent appointment with your GP, both to discuss your dd but also first and foremost to discuss you. There is that old saying about those travelling by air put on your own oxgene mask before helping children. XXXXX

Thank you to those who have posted and are thinking of me

I was put on sertraline at the beginning of the year and initially felt it worked really well but then I developed awful insomnia and also the tablets would often burn my throat and cause really bad indigestion. My GP switched me to citolapram but I had to reduce my dose of sertraline slowly and as I was still experiencing side effects after several weeks, I never got round to starting the citolapram. Worryingly, I haven't received a follow up appointment or call from my doctors but the prescriptions keep coming (I get my meds delivered). I feel like I should probably give the citolapram a chance before booking a GP appointment maybe? I've used them before and even though this was pre-illness, I remember just wanting to sleep all the time on them which is putting me off. I've lost the ability to make a decision.

We had a relatively good day yesterday. The new clothes I ordered for DD1 came and as she's totally obsessed with clothes, she was in her element trying them on and 'modelling' them. I also forced myself to take them swimming which ended up being really nice.

It didn't last though as she had a bad meltdown at bedtime and she was so angry she started pulling her hair out in clumps

I haven't yet got round to reading the suggestions here as when I've previously tried, I get really overwhelmed. I get brain fog as part of my condition which makes it harder. I have read things about ASD before though and felt she matches a lot of the traits. I just want someone to agree to assess her. I'm aware that once there is an agreement to do that, we will be placed on s waiting list so I don't know why they don't just do that now whilst we look at other things.

For those with DC with ASD and those that are going through the diagnostic process - how do I get this moved forward when none of the professionals are taking me seriously over this? If you went private, how did you go about that? I don't even know what kind of service I'm meant to be looking into! I'm going to call NAS now and see what they suggest.

Also, I posted about the legal situation last year under a different NN. The thread is here if anyone is interested in reading it: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/legal_matters/2609214-Really-need-some-advice-on-whether-to-pursue-this-matter-divorce-related

I can't get through to NAS. Their phone lines are too busy. Think I'll try another time.

OP it sounds so hard. Huge amounts of support and empathy being sent from me to you.

Unless people have been in the situation of having an aggressive and difficult child, they have no idea how worn down you can become. I have at times been a flickering shadow of myself and that is with s diagnosis.

Have you seen a paediatrician OP. They were the ones we saw first and it was him identifying that dc had issues and referring to CAMHS that meant we got taken seriously. It was pretty grim. I was hoping to be told I was imagining things but the minute we were seen the Dr was all "woah....there is a problem here you need help".

Have you got a social worker? Can they refer to CAMHS to try to trigger an ADOS screening? Also, if there any chance she went into precocious puberty? You said she is very big and tall.

Keep going. Keep going. You aren't alone. Why don't you come over to SN. You don't need a diagnosis to join us.

Hi OP

In answer to your question about how to have your concerns taken seriously, I'd make a good list of the difficulties that your daughter is having and go to see your GP.

My experience in private practice is that parents have sometimes gone to their GP but perhaps not managed to give a clear and concise account of the range of problems in the short time allocated. It may be worth booking a double appointment slot if you can (our surgery allows this) and taking notes with you.

We find that some of our private patients get much further with a letter from us (following a consultation rather than a full assessment) because the letter spells out how the difficulties fit into an apparent triad of impairments - this is usually enough for the GP to make the onward referral.

So have a look at the triad of impairments (interaction, communication, imagination or repetitive and routine behaviours) and also list anything that was unusual or delayed in your child's development in the first three years, especially around pretend play, language or her attachment to you.

Sorry I pressed send too early!

What I'm saying really is that before you think about the considerable cost of a private MDT assessment then I would go back to your GP with this information. You may find a local private service that will offer a consultation appointment to 'streamline' your thoughts into a GP letter but it's something you could have a go at doing for yourself, too.

Where are you based OP, as I know things work a little differently in different areas. Scottish Autism have a programme for Girls and Women on the spectrum, but I don't know if it can be accessed outwith Scotland

ByeByeTether good to hear from you. You sound calmer.

Meesh has some great advice. I really hope it will work out better for you.

Please keep talking if it helps.

If you are not sure about the meds you could always talk to the GP about you too. You have a lot on your plate.

XXXXXX thinking of you

And I am too

And I echo what Italian said / you have much to be proud of

Onwards and get some advice I den drugs

Having sped read your previous post

You were ill advised

When you are more stable consider doing your own research in this issue I think you have a case personally . You did a law degree and you know this shit enough to start ball rolling and put a case together

www.marilynstowe.co.uk/tag/marilyn-stowe-family-law-and-divorce-blog/

Sorry OP as with all the parenting links and legal links .... but knowledge is power baby

It's late and I'm too tired to write much. I've been in your shoes albeit I struggled on until dd was 16.

The meltdowns, the violence, the gradual eroding of boundaries as dd's demands and needs became almost impossible to manage.

She would ask me to do her hair over and over again. Hitting out violently if it wasn't "perfect".

We've gone down a long hard road and I'm still fighting for the right support.

I want to say this, I hear you, it's really tough, I'll try and remember to pm you tomorrow.

Ps. My dd has Aspergers, just saying

Thinking of you, OP.