To give up on 8yo DD?

[ByeByeTether]

I have 3dc, a DS17 who despite being born to a teenage mum and having a useless father who has barely bothered with him, has turned out really well, is sensible, kind and funny. A dd6 who is lovely but clingy and accident prone (suspect dyspraxia). And dd8 who this thread is about.

During my pregnancy, abusive XH was having an affair with a 16yo girl and then had many affairs since, so things have never been easy. She was a fractious child and then went on to have some behavioural problems as a toddler - would hit other children. Despite the difficulties, I threw myself into motherhood, putting my career on hold and completely living for the children.

At around the time I left XH, dd1's behaviour deteriorated. She has no self esteem and will not accept compliments. She is violent and destructive and has 'meltdowns' every day. She's obese and very tall so I cannot physically control her.

After 3 years of begging for help but being turned away by all the professionals, the school stepped in and we now have a social worker, she's seeing CAMHS, has been accepted on to some other schemes but it feels like too little too late. The professionals are basically blaming me saying that I behave as an abuse victim and she has become the abuser. I have raised the possibility of an underlying condition such as ASD. They don't seem interested in exploring this avenue.

My problem is, I have nothing left emotionally or physically, to try and sort this out. I am quite ill with a chronic condition so I have barely any energy. I do not enjoy my DD's company and our bond is severely fractured. I don't know if I can get that back. I hate my situation and motherhood, it's now affecting my relationship with dd(6) and I am withdrawing further and further.

Their relationship with their dad (XH) is complicated. He's controlling and abusive to me still. He's seeing them EOW at the moment but has gone through phases of not seeing them at all and doesn't take proper care of them all the time. He would never have them full time as his girlfriends and his social life come first.

I have a week off work this week to spend with them. Usually I would be planning our time to pack in as many activities as possible but this time I don't want to do anything or go anywhere. I've spent the last week being battered by DD and I am dreading a week of the same. She's already kicked off this morning over her hair.

I have begun an online parenting course and signed up to emails from a parenting site but I feel like I'm past the point of being able to turn it around. I feel totally and utterly trapped with just one way out but I don't want to leave my DC without a parent and I could never do that to my family. Does anyone have any advice about where I go from here or has experienced similar? What do you do when you are at the end?

I can't imagine not being strong enough to defend myself from an 8 year old.

There's a difference between defending yourself and physically restraining a child without causing any harm to the child.

I am sure I could beat up any 8 year old. Holding her arms behind her back and keeping her from kicking me? Not so much.

brasty fucking good for you!!

I can't imagine not being strong enough to defend myself from an 8 year old.

She is very tall and heavy, apparently

To give some idea, she currently wears 13-14 clothes.

If somebody is around that can lift her, she is put in her room which she spends around an hour trashing and breaking things, knocking lumps of plaster from the wall and cracking the doors before calming down. If I'm on my own, I usually shut myself away until she's calm again or I just wait for her to burn herself out. It's always a waiting game. Doesn't matter what I do in response, she just needs that time to calm down which can take anywhere from half an hour to 4 hours.

DD is drawing a picture (she loves art and is very good - everyone who has contact with her comments on this). Something will go wrong (according to her) and she will totally lose it.

Low frustration tolerance. I have this too, though not nearly so extreme. I'd definitely try medication; she'd profit from being able to experience a normal state of mind and getting more pictures done without ripping them up.

Is she sad she destroyed her pictures after calming down?

OP.. it sounds incredibly difficult. I feel so sorry for you.

If your DD is obese and tall then she could also be hormonal / about to start periods.

Sometimes there is no easy answer. Regarding the food... you could try not having any snacks in the house at all.. and also encouraging swimming / the park etc... but in reality, you are having a difficult time and need support. Kids are often impossible ❤️❤️❤️❤️

She actually doesn't recognise her abnormal behaviour. She doesn't think anyone can tell that she's angry. She's doesn't appear to be bothered by the destroyed pictures, often she will start again like nothing has happened. If I try to talk to her about what has happened, she will deny anything happened or get upset again so I don't generally bother anymore, we just get on with our day.

I'm so sorry byebye. Is there anyone who's there just to support you through this - a professional counsellor you can trust, or a friend, a relative?

I have wondered about early puberty because I have begun to notice a pattern in that she will go through a week or two of very regular meltdowns several times a day which are more severe and easier to trigger, then a couple of weeks where things are better and she'll maybe meltdown once a day.

We've always used time out either on a step or her bedroom (now always in her bedroom) and a toy or device removed. She barely has her iPad anymore she's banned so often but it's the one thing that keeps her from melting down so frequently. We've also used reward charts which had little impact.

Is there a Carers Federation near you, or a young Carers? They can give practical support, as you have a health condition.
You need a break.

It really does sound like the professionals are right, you are acting like her abuse victim. You are withdrawing, letting her get what she wants, and not talking about her abusive behaviour, so she does not hit you or threaten to self harm.

OP, you have been given some suggestions on this thread. Do any of them sound as if they may be something you can try? You may have tried things in the past, but perhaps you can try them again, with a bit more clarity in your mind?

I know you are at the end of your tether, but the sad fact is that no-one will be doing it for you. I think you are expecting a magic wand to be waved over you by health professionals, whereas what you are in is a process. It is a journey, and the light at the end of the tunnel is a bit further away than you wanted. This does not mean that the journey is useless, it isn't. You WILL get there.

It really is rather similar to an abuse victim - you need to have that moment where your perception changes, and you see everything in a new way. Reading some of the books suggested, or even looking through websites can help bring about that 'aha' moment, and then you will have a direction to go in that will make sense to you. Things WILL get better, and in a way all you need is the first few difficult steps. After that things will gain their own momentum.

My dd had violent outbursts at this age, kicking, biting, punching. In her case, it was not ASD but anxiety (for which she is now medicated).

Like you, I had to go through endless meetings with professionals, made even more difficult because she had a physical disorder which they insisted was all in her mind and (yes you guessed it!) caused by bad parenting. Her physical condition was diagnosed when she was 10, and her MH issues when she was about 13/14 (after the school started pushing due to self-harming).

The good news is that at 20 she is doing really well. We haven't had a violent outburst for the last 10 years, and her last suicide attempt was about 4 years ago. She is on medication for her anxiety and is aware that she will probably never be entirely well, but she is also feeling confident enough to leave home in autumn to go into HE. It's been a long battle, but it has been worth every last effort. She is a lovely young woman and I am so proud of her.

A few things that have helped us:

trying to distinguish between triggers and downright bad behaviour. So I wouldn't buy her sweets when she was little to stop her kicking off, but I learnt to recognise that her room was her safe space so learnt not to be too fussy about tidiness etc. Also that when she is entering an anxious phase, she needs to talk obsessively about certain subjects. Letting her do that.

finding something that helped her to relax. CBT techniques have helped a lot, but more than anything watching certain DVDs that she finds soothing. Just sitting with her and watching.

finding fun times when she wasn't anxious Just having a shared base of memories gave us something to lean against when the bad times hit. Not massive or expensive things, just things like sharing a story together or certain jokes that were just between the two of us.

never letting the sun go down on my wrath- so however bad things had been, she could be sure there would be a cuddle at the end of the day and that I would mean it.

My mother dealt with very similar situation with my db who had suffered trauma as a child. Again, behaviour that might have been caused by ASD (but in his case wasn't). A shared sense of humour helped, seeing when he was entering a meltdown and easing it if possible (humour helped with him, so you need to find what helps your individual child). But at the same time without compromising general boundaries (so not giving way and letting him have things). I know she had endless sympathy for him because she could see how much he was hurting, but I don't recollect her ever giving in to him as such. Again, light at the end of the tunnel: he has grown into an absolutely lovely man with a great relationship with his parents, his wife and his own children.

It is worth it, OP. It is so worth it.

Issues with emotional control and destructive behavior pop up on the Coventry grid, and is sometimes a warning sign for RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder) which is very hard to deal with and also hard to treat without very specialized help. My attachment disorder was caused by a hypercritical aggressive parent who I wouldn't describe as 'abusive' as such but lashed out at me in particular for not conforming to how she expected me to be.

I would point at a big part of your daughter's issues coming from an abusive parent, her father. The bond a child has with their parents forms the blueprint for how they interact with the rest of the world, if the bond is unhealthy, destructive and manipulative then the child learns to project that out onto the other people in their lives. You are at your wits' end trying to cope and it's hard to deal with even normal tantrums when you've been pushed to the brink.

This is a resource you might find useful going forward if you think attachment is the issue. I'm not trying to armchair diagnose but a lot of what you're describing doesn't fit with the ASD kids I've looked after but does fit the AD kids. It's worth looking into:

www.counselling-directory.org.uk/attachment-disorder.html

I've had counselling before but I didn't find it helpful. I find being on antidepressants does help but it's finding one that doesn't have the side effects. I used to have friends and I'm close to my sister but I barely see anyone anymore as I'm so consumed by dealing with DD. Nobody really understands anyway.

It wasn't always like this. In the beginning I was more consistent and I could actually pick her up and put her in her room myself. But I can't do that anymore. She has boundaries but if im on my own with her, I can't reinforce them once she's in meltdown. Most of our issues stem from her low self esteem and frustration at herself/perfectionism rather than lack of boundaries.

I think I need to re-read this thread once I'm feeling less defeated. It's been a very difficult week where DD had melted down every day before I've even woken up and today was the final straw. I've been dreading an entire week alone with her and now it's here.

I do really appreciate the advice given. I've posted about her before and felt renewed determination to get things sorted but today I just feel like I'm at the end.

Peng, I've already done those things - we have a social worker who is thankfully very good. I've been to the GP about her dozens of times. The issue is that the help has been offered too late and I'm at the point where I can't cope anymore.

Apologies if I've missed it, OP, but do the meltdowns etc coincide at all with the lead-up to visiting your ex? Or after dd has been there?

peng are you on the same thread as everyone else? A seriously disturbed little girl and you think docking pocket money will solve it?