To give up on 8yo DD?

[ByeByeTether]

I have 3dc, a DS17 who despite being born to a teenage mum and having a useless father who has barely bothered with him, has turned out really well, is sensible, kind and funny. A dd6 who is lovely but clingy and accident prone (suspect dyspraxia). And dd8 who this thread is about.

During my pregnancy, abusive XH was having an affair with a 16yo girl and then had many affairs since, so things have never been easy. She was a fractious child and then went on to have some behavioural problems as a toddler - would hit other children. Despite the difficulties, I threw myself into motherhood, putting my career on hold and completely living for the children.

At around the time I left XH, dd1's behaviour deteriorated. She has no self esteem and will not accept compliments. She is violent and destructive and has 'meltdowns' every day. She's obese and very tall so I cannot physically control her.

After 3 years of begging for help but being turned away by all the professionals, the school stepped in and we now have a social worker, she's seeing CAMHS, has been accepted on to some other schemes but it feels like too little too late. The professionals are basically blaming me saying that I behave as an abuse victim and she has become the abuser. I have raised the possibility of an underlying condition such as ASD. They don't seem interested in exploring this avenue.

My problem is, I have nothing left emotionally or physically, to try and sort this out. I am quite ill with a chronic condition so I have barely any energy. I do not enjoy my DD's company and our bond is severely fractured. I don't know if I can get that back. I hate my situation and motherhood, it's now affecting my relationship with dd(6) and I am withdrawing further and further.

Their relationship with their dad (XH) is complicated. He's controlling and abusive to me still. He's seeing them EOW at the moment but has gone through phases of not seeing them at all and doesn't take proper care of them all the time. He would never have them full time as his girlfriends and his social life come first.

I have a week off work this week to spend with them. Usually I would be planning our time to pack in as many activities as possible but this time I don't want to do anything or go anywhere. I've spent the last week being battered by DD and I am dreading a week of the same. She's already kicked off this morning over her hair.

I have begun an online parenting course and signed up to emails from a parenting site but I feel like I'm past the point of being able to turn it around. I feel totally and utterly trapped with just one way out but I don't want to leave my DC without a parent and I could never do that to my family. Does anyone have any advice about where I go from here or has experienced similar? What do you do when you are at the end?

I'm still guessing you can't really diagnose someone over the Internet that you've had no contact with or and who you haven't assessed?

Saying someone needs to be assessed isn't the same as diagnosing them!

Meesh77

So you are aware of the pitfalls of vicarious diagnosis (based on sparse info on the net), and of misdiagnosing mental disorder in children

From what i read here, noone here has attempted to diagnose, just reassured the OP of the need for proper and full assessment

ASD is not a 'mental disorder', it is a neurological condition.

Of course not. And nobody is diagnosing. I personally put something like 20 hours into each diagnosis including 3 hours in front of the child.

However I am constantly faced with parents who are at the end of their tether and have been given a variety of opinions by people with no formal qualification and certainly no qualification to diagnose ASD.

Many of them have been sent on parenting courses. There are lots of misconceptions out there.

My advice to the OP is to have her assessed for ASD and to look at the PDA website, which can be a lightbulb moment for some.

Now that's not a diagnosis, it's professional advice.

Op can I suggest you ask for this thread to be moved out of aibu

Bye bye Tether

Firstly I would say come over to the special needs area where there are lots of mums of girls with ASD who would almost certainly say oh your story sounds so familiar

From experience (and professionally) I would say as you have one DD with dyspraxia the chance of your DD being on the spectrum in much increased

Camhs regularly send people round the system time and again before finally identifying ASD particularly in girls that mask well at school but fall apart at home

Try reading The explosive child, it gives very good strategies for coping with girls like your daughter who are often driven by anxiety and display demand avoidance

Just to try and give you something positive, my DD's journey has been as bad and worse and relationships were like yours

Now nearly 15 we have passed through the storm and do have a close relationship albeit still on her terms.

It takes time but eventually hopefully your DD will see just how much you love and care for her, which is obvious from your post

I get a break if they go their dad's but I don't trust him to care for them adequately (he's been low level neglectful in the past) and there are times when they refuse to go.

I don't think I'm trying to shirk responsibility - if it's something I'm doing, I'm happy to be told a better way but that's not been my experience of how the professionals operate so far. The abuser thing was mentioned very recently but there have been no suggestions on ways to do things differently.

Whatever is going on, I know my bond with her is damaged and I'm trying to find ways to repair that but she is a very difficult child to love or like and most of the time I'm just trying to avoid a meltdown because we all suffer when that happens. I've been told to call the police on her but I haven't resorted to that yet because I know it will send her anxiety through the roof.

How are you supposed to keep going when you've nothing left to give? I've exhausted myself just getting someone to listen. The social worker is about to hand off our case to the FIT team but I don't know when they will begin work with is. At the last meeting I was asked if I felt I could cope this weekend. What answer was I supposed to give? No is the truth but there is no help offered even if you admit this.

And of course there are adjustment that benefit those with an ASD diagnosis (such as myself, incidentally), but getting the basics right (e.g. a resilient, confident, warm caregiver) needs to happen

All my kids have asd, all the girls have pda. Sounds alot like my girls so check out pda and get a book called the explosive child. Once you understand what's going on from that book try playfull parenting, it would be hopeless on its own imo but once life stabilises a bit it helps to take that approach. To help save the relationship you need to get yourself more support asap, and try love bombing.

Get yourself support.

I get exactly where you are coming from.

But what you think is right isn't the right thing to support an anxious child.

My ds has threatened and asked how to commit suicide. It's heartbreaking. But giving him his own way to stop that isn't teaching him how to deal with the feelings and process them.
You have to teach the resilience skills. The best way to do this is remove ALL demands and focus on one thing at once.

I'd start with diet as that has an additional health impact. Snack boxes are great - make one for her and DD2 and she can help herself to what's in there but that's it for unhealthy food for the day. Remain firm and calm and stick to it and eventually she'll get it. It always gets harder before it gets easier because she'll push against it to see if you mean it. If her pushing results in getting her own way that anxiety increases because suddenly there's a massive open space in front of her she can't navigate.

Try and always use positive language. So "if your hungry you can chose something from your snack box or a piece of fruit/veg sticks"
Don't engage in arguments or discussions state fact and if needs be walk away.

Believe me I know it's not easy - my ds could take 5 hours to actually grasp I'm not discussing something at that age (and can still take an hour now!).

If she likes her hair a certain way how about positive time spent looking up styles and valuable 1:1 time spent trying out hairstyles at the weekend.

Attachment problems jump out at me too, and the effect of difficult life events e.g the split with her father. There are clear problems in your relationship with her, OP. I get that you're worn down but your tone on here is quite negative towards her, you appear to find it hard to empathise with her....she is an eight year old child.

You have a social worker and have been referred for a FIT worker - that is someone from the Family Intervention Team in children's social care...FIT team gets involved where there are concerns around family relationships, parenting and family functioning. Hopefully this will help you strengthen your parenting, but you really need to look at ways of improving your relationship with her and developing a more positive relationship. I would suggest asking CAMHS for Family Therapy to support this.

A lot of her behaviours may be negative attention seeking...e.g her saying she is suicidal - provokes a response in you. Are you able to have any nice enjoyable time with her at all?

I'm not saying any of the above to put you down - indeed you sound a caring and concerned parent who clearly wants the best for her, and you sound worn down and exhausted to boot. And you are trying really hard - that's evident.
Whether she has ASD or not, I feel the above issues need addressing.

Have you looked pled st getting counselling or therapy for yourself? Whatever's going on with your child, you sound like you're out of steam and just about hanging on yourself. You'll have more to offer her if you have someone supporting you to explore and understand your feelings, particularly given your abusive relationship.

Also ADHD can sometimes manifest itself v differently in girls and often involves poor impulse control (including around food), trouble with emotional regulation, and that kind of "drifty" abstracted behaviour around peers / in class. It doesn't necessarily mean a complete inability to perform academically either. (Not trying to diagnose, just adding something worth considering if asking for full assessment.) I am sorry you are under so much stress.

Excellent post by Schrodingerscatagain.

OP when you say "The abuse she has witnessed and IS STILL WITNESSING with her Dad" what do you mean by that?

^ as someone mentioned ADHD, I remember I found a course called the New Forest Parenting Programme very helpful for looking at the way I was responding to behaviour and making the changes I could