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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH's parents have a flat on the riviera and don't offer us to go

194 replies

tilda0 · 22/07/2017 12:22

DHs mother and 12 years husband own a flat on the coast of France and they rent a house in the countryside. They don't offer us to go and mil knows that we are not rolling I. money at all.
We are sometimes invited to the countryside (2h away from where we live) but only if they are there and/or if it's Christmas or some sort of celebration.

Not nice! Or aibu?

I can't believe that my DH thinks that they will be reliable to help with child (unborn yet!). They obviously have their own schedule planned and rules set.Envy

OP posts:
Original poster
tilda0 · 22/07/2017 18:37

littlebird I understand that you think there are two camps but DHs family actually sits in the middle. The fact that they invite us at Christmas is something. Some family wouldn't even bother. It just needs to be under their rules. It's almost a job for the Mil, she takes dinners seriously! It needs to be almost professional...

OP posts:
Sashkin · 22/07/2017 18:54

You mentioned that MIL's husband is her second husband (ie not your DH's dad).

Was it his house originally, or was it bought with his money? That may be the problem... perhaps he doesn't see you as "family".

(And the poster correcting your grammar was very rude, and had hilariously poor English skills themselves, so please ignore them).

KC225 · 22/07/2017 19:11

DH'S sister and her husband have a summer house in apart of Sweden I have not been to and they have never offered it to us. Worst still, my DH helped build it, when we first met. And we still don't get a sniff. I have asked DH if he could float the idea but he refuses to. Just one of those things, it's theirs to do with as they wish.

Japonicathehorseygirl · 22/07/2017 19:23

Several have said you or you dp should ask again to borrow the house and if the answer is no then ask why. Usually here (mumsnet) no is considered a complete sentence. If they don't want to offer you the house or flat then that is really up to them and they should not have to explain why not. May be better to just enjoy visits of a few hours when your baby arrives and just try to focus on developing a pleasant relationship with them

Original poster
tilda0 · 22/07/2017 19:43

KC225 interesting...anyone Swedish in that story?

OP posts:
Original poster
tilda0 · 22/07/2017 19:48

Sashkin Thanks :)
Yes, her husband might have paid most of it as he has more money. But they pay together furniture and decoration. We get along with the husband - potentially more than with the mil. We just have better discussions. But you are right, he might not see us as close family.

Japonicathehorseygirl DP asked recently (this is why I post now on this topic). The answer was vague, it was not a clear NO but it wasn't a yes welcome either. It was just an awkward moment. We decided that we won't ask again.

OP posts:
FUNM · 22/07/2017 21:30

Torquay Riviera much nicer and cheaper

LakieLady · 22/07/2017 22:15

If we had a holiday place, we wouldn't let DSS stay there. He's incapable of looking after anything, anything we've ever lent him has come back trashed and/or filthy or with bits missing, including a rather expensive tent that had only been used once. He once borrowed his mother's car, and threw away the nut for the alloy wheels because he thought it was a bit of rubbish. It cost her £150 to get another one.

He often drops hints about wanting to borrow our motor home, but luckily they wouldn't be able to take the DGC in it, as it doesn't have seatbelts on the rear seats, so not legal.

We'd be happy to have them come and stay there with us, but not on their own.

arethereanyleftatall · 22/07/2017 22:36

My Dm and her dh have a holiday home, that no one is allowed to stay in when they're not there. They don't like anyone sleeping in their bed. That's fine. It's their house, their choice. They're perfectly nice people.

I think people often say they'd be perfectly happy to share if it was them, when it's not them!

user1471558723 · 22/07/2017 23:54

We have a holiday house. The first few years we were happy to offer it for extended family and friends to use it too. Unfortunately it resulted in nothing but problems. For example one member of the family "helpfully" fitted locking mechanisms to all our windows, without checking if we wanted them first. This ensured that opening a window was a mamouth task generally involving two people and an adjustable spanner.
The same family member went from asking could he visit for a weekend to staying regularly for ten days at a time without asking. He would always leave the heating on constant and never offered a penny towards any bills. He regularly rang us when he got home to criticise various parts of the property and ways in which we could improve it before his next stay.
Another couple would stay and regularly forget to turn off the lights before they left.
An elderly aunt forgot to flush the toilet on two separate visits. The house was then left for a month and cleaning up on my arrival was not a pleasant experience.
I also hated having to wash plates and surfaces down as soon as I arrived at our property, after certain people stayed. I could go on with many more astounding examples, basically people did not care for the property as we did and never wanted to contribute even a token amount, I soon started to feel that they were exploiting us.
We started out by wanting to share our good fortune in having a holiday cottage but the thoughtlessness and selfishness of extended family made it impossible to continue to share it. We keep it now just for our immediate family, it has caused a lot of bad feeling and I am quite sad about it.

Gemini69 · 23/07/2017 00:55

good grief user1471558723 that sounds appalling and I absolutely understand why you did what you did... people take advantage Flowers

Tapandgo · 23/07/2017 17:40

Not sure the there is a relationship between letting you use their house and 'being reliable to help with baby'.

There could be any number of reasons not to let you use the house - your style of living V theirs tidiness etc ( in their judgement), the number of people wanting to use it creating a free for all (other family members) or things in the past that have concerned them.

Re help with child - you shouldn't rely upon it from anybody. If it comes, it's a bonus.

If I had another home I'd let my friends and family use it if I didn't rent it out otherwise, but I'd be concerned some 'guests' are not as 'careful' as I am - just as I am with some house guests. (as in - why do red wine drinkers seem to spill their drink more than white wine or beer drinkers!,)

Writermom22 · 23/07/2017 18:13

What makes you think you are entitled to stay in their property? It's theirs, they can do what they like!!

The good thing, is that you will never owe them anything. As for future childcare, sort it out yourself, don't rely on extended family to do it for you, live your own life like they are doing now.

reetgood · 23/07/2017 18:24

I know a couple of people who have property but are weird about people staying in it when they're not there. Some people are very particular about their homes and spaces. We roll our eyes a bit but we just accept it as one of their quirks and don't push the issue!

SherbrookeFosterer · 23/07/2017 18:40

I own a flat in central Paris and I never let anyone stay there unless I am there and I have invited them.

I know some friends and family resent that but it is my home, albeit my second home, not a holiday let.

I shall be probably be stopped at the gates of St Peter for it though!

Decaffstilltastesweird · 23/07/2017 18:56

I wouldn't roll my eyes at anyone not loaning out their flat to friends or other relatives, but usually people treat their own children differently than they would an aunt, brother or friend.

I get why the op wonders now about childcare as, unless there's a reason for it, not offering to let your own son stay in your flat as a one off holiday implies they aren't all that close to him. To me at least.

The only two families I can think of who I know relatively well and who have multiple properties, encourage their adult dcs to use them as their own. One of my friend's parents own a few properties and I've been invited to four of them by the daughter, (the parents barely know me). Three out of those four, the parents have been nowhere near them at any of the times I've visited and that's been fine as I was the guest of he daughter.

Lucysky2017 · 23/07/2017 18:56

We let our nanny stay in our house years ago with her finance or husband whislt we were on holiday (as they had to live with parents at home) but we never did it again - mess every where, stains on wooden surfaces, rubbish not put out; not nice to come home to. Never again.

Crazyunicornlady · 23/07/2017 19:07

You come across as terribly entitled - why should they offer you a free holiday and why should they offer to babysit?

Elephant17 · 23/07/2017 20:13

Summerswallow

No-one 'owes' anyone anything in this life, but 'owing' and 'entitlement' are just not features of being in my family. We like each other and look after each other. This other way of thinking (which I first encountered on mumsnet) is alien to being in a family to me!

I totally get your post above!

Op I agree it's a bit cold they are weird about you staying there- especially when your dp has actually tried to ask. One of life's great pleasures (in my opinion) is being able to share enjoyable things with others.

That said, something about the way you come across does seem a bit spoilt, maybe it's just bad wording.

caringcarer · 23/07/2017 21:58

Do they let it out to paying guests when they are not using it them selves? If so I can see to let you lose it would reduce their income but if it is just empty then you could say you would lose a holiday but can't afford much and see if they offer you to go.

KimchiLaLa · 23/07/2017 22:00

YABU to think they are somehow obliged to offer you a complimentary stay at their place because you're not "rolling in it" and YABVU to use the phrase "offer us to go".

If your DH was that close to them, he could simply ask to use it when they are not there.

AimeeNoOneTheSamee · 23/07/2017 22:27

YANBU

I find this so strange. My M&FIL own an apartment in Spain and we go away with them, and our now 5 year old, every year. Have also been on a caravan holiday with them too. Although we've never been on holiday with our son without them (they're a lot of fun, granny is our lad's fave person in the world and we just don't want to!) the apartment is available to us whenever we want it! They lend it out to family and friends throughout the year and like knowing that it is being used and looked after.
Such a shame that you aren't offered the same with your in laws holiday home : (

SabineUndine · 23/07/2017 22:36

I think it's a pity they don't invite you, but there's not much to be done about it.

To the people who say the French Riviera is expensive, I've been to Cap Ferrat, Nice and St Tropez. None of them were more than you pay in the uk for drinks or meals.

reetgood · 23/07/2017 23:28

@Decaffstilltastesweird it does involve their own kids :) but it doesn't make them mean. They just get anxious about anyone else, including adult kids, being in their space. We think it's weird, but it's not worth getting in a huff over. Just one of their little quirks, everybody has them.

MiddleClassProblem · 24/07/2017 01:36

Late to the party but can't help but picturing the flat has drawers full of sex toys or there are bags of coke under the bed.

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