DH's parents have a flat on the riviera and don't offer us to go

[tilda0]

DHs mother and 12 years husband own a flat on the coast of France and they rent a house in the countryside. They don't offer us to go and mil knows that we are not rolling I. money at all.
We are sometimes invited to the countryside (2h away from where we live) but only if they are there and/or if it's Christmas or some sort of celebration.

Not nice! Or aibu?

I can't believe that my DH thinks that they will be reliable to help with child (unborn yet!). They obviously have their own schedule planned and rules set.

My mum used to own several properties and I was amazed at how entitled some people were.

They don't have to offer to anyone!

WonderLime we saw pictures and they told us what furniture they bought. She calls from there when they are on holidays.

I am not saying we are entitled to stay in their flat. I just think it would be a nice gesture. Why on earth not offering us to stay 5 days. We would only go once. We would probably not go again! To the stupid comment on the summer wardrobe: it's all ikea and there is nothing valuable there. Summer wardrobe! Haha this is ridiculous

You've never been there but you know what furniture and clothing they keep there?

I don't think yabu to wonder why they don't let you use it, that's really stingy, any of my family that had a holiday home would be generous with it, including myself, why have it standing empty?

How you've ever considered them helping out with childcare is a bit odd though? They live 2 hours away?

Let it go op, they don't want to let you use it, for what ever reason, don't ask again.

Thanks Decaffstilltastesweird

They now live 10 minutes away?! I'm lost.

I wonder if they think you might not get on very well with the neighbours?

Ah, ok, county pile is 2 hours away

BastardGoDarkly I agree. I don't feel like going anymore. I just wonder why they never ask.
As for helping for something else-baby or whatever else- they live 10-15min away from us.

Anyway, I'm gonna let go.

The thing is that my DH wants to stick around because he believes it would be good to have his mum around. I believe we should move where we have friends than hope to have more relationship/support than what we have now.

There are many people who have no interest in their adult step kids.

Are they nice to you generally? Is it just this, or are they unwelcoming and unfriendly?

So they have a flat on the Riviera, and also a house they rent out a couple of hours away.
I can't believe so many people think you're entitled to be surprised they never offer you the use of the flat in France, and the house in this country only when they're there. I don't know anyone who'd treat their own immediate family so meanly.

I never got the mentality that because a family member has something they should share it.

It's their house OP. Why should they offer it for you for a freebie holiday? My aunt house is much nicer than mine and a holiday location. when she travels abroad should I demand I stay there because I'm family and not rolling in it?

I'm not sure that allowing you to use their holiday homes is remotely related to providing childcare personally.

Have you asked them (about either).

My Grandma (had 6 kids in total) made it clear she wouldn't every babysit!! From day one, when the grandkids started arriving she let us stay as families, threw great big dinners and bbqs for us all. But never babysat once!

Her choice, not her children, she wasn't obligated, and no one ever minded.

The thing is even if everyone agrees with you, OP, that is still not going to change the ILS one iota. Why imagine someone that you would like them to do and get het up because they don't?

It is better and easier to expect nothing and occasionally get a nice surprise

Perhaps your DH could try one more time and say what great care you'd take with it? It might even be worth asking why not? if the answer is still no.

I agree with pps that you shouldn't expect a freebie. However (balancing carefully on fence) if it's not a source of income for your MIL and her OH then I think they are being mean. But can't quite work out where they live all year round - is it mostly on the Riviera and occasionally here in the countryside?

And the Riviera (putting aside the conversion rate £ to Euro) can be cheap if you use their hypermarkets, back street stores and eat out in the Asian restaurants or cafes way away from the beach. And you can travel for tuppence on the coastal railway.

I understand how you feel. You're struggling, they aren't. You'd like a holiday and can't afford it, which is a shame and yes, I think they sound odd not to want to share. However it is their property and their choice so it's time to come to terms with this.

I don't know why they don't want to. However, I think is that some people of a certain age cannot wrap their heads around the fact that there is a massive difference between salaries and housing costs than there was 20 years ago and more. So they don't get how tough it is for people. I think there was something of a golden age for a few decades. Dh and I realise we benefitted from this and are at the end of it. So we bought our first house just over 20 years ago and see what it is worth today. We also know how much he was paid back then and how much he would now be paid. So house 20yrs ago £55kish (we paid even less, £47k but it went up), salary £16k. House today £240kish, salary maybe £20k. My mother doesn't get it. She's mid 70's and bangs on about how hard it was for her when we were children in 70's/80's. Thing is, she benefited from the low housing costs and (until my dad died mid 80's), income hikes as we got older.

HTH. 😉

Their homes aren't going to be all that suitable for a young child and why should they be?

mummyof it's interesting, as you say, that perhaps this is a hangover from a wealthier cohort who had both a big house and a holiday home. In my husband's culture, which is much poorer, families often share houses or move to let the family have the bigger flat and the older people into the smaller one. Families share holiday homes as well, so over a two month holiday, several families would use one, not necessarily at the same time. People definitely have less but share it more. Perhaps this is borne out of necessity- if you don't share yourself, then people will not look after you in old age/help you out of you lose your job/support you in times of troubles. However, it definitely has more of a community feeling of taking care of all members of the family, and property is often shared/used according to need rather than strictly who owns what.

I can't imagine wanting to own a beautiful holiday home then keep it all to myself and my husband and not show it to my adult children/let them use it, have grandchildren playing in it! I would love to have a home they could all do that in.

It's their choice and all that, but at the same time, you don't have to choose to have a relationship with selfish people, or to stick around just so that your child can see his grandmother.

Your DH obviously has unrealistic expectations of his mother, but perhap it is time for him to let go and accept that for whatever reason she prefers to keep her distance.

As is often the case, this is a DH problem (his unrealistic expections of his mum are impacting your life) and not really a MIL problem.

Summerswallow. That's a very different culture from the British. We are expected to live in small houses and work our way up if we can.

its their place why should they have to 'share' it with anyone
would you share it with them if it was your spare pad

It'll have a spare room done up as a sex dungeon.

Any attics or locked rooms in their country pad?

Bluntly, I suspect they don't like you and/or your husband terribly much.

I can't imagine not inviting my (adult) children to a holiday home.

If they're generally mean, miserly people than maybe this isn't the case.