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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH's parents have a flat on the riviera and don't offer us to go

194 replies

tilda0 · 22/07/2017 12:22

DHs mother and 12 years husband own a flat on the coast of France and they rent a house in the countryside. They don't offer us to go and mil knows that we are not rolling I. money at all.
We are sometimes invited to the countryside (2h away from where we live) but only if they are there and/or if it's Christmas or some sort of celebration.

Not nice! Or aibu?

I can't believe that my DH thinks that they will be reliable to help with child (unborn yet!). They obviously have their own schedule planned and rules set.Envy

OP posts:
RestlessTraveller · 22/07/2017 15:23

Sorry I meant to say 'I'm so confused'

goeasyonthetonic · 22/07/2017 15:23

It is raining. Can someone post a link for the Mexican House Thief thread.

TatianaLarina · 22/07/2017 15:27

Well we have a house in France and love it when family and friends can use it. Otherwise it's just sitting there empty. It makes us feel like we're getting the most out of the property.

There's no law that says they have to, but it very mingey that they don't.

It's very easy to live cheaply in S.France, you don't have to sit in expensive cafés - just buy your food in the hypermarché and sit back and look at the view.

colleysmill · 22/07/2017 15:32

Theroretically i agree with you OP but 5 years ago we bought a campervan with grand plans to let family and friends borrow it or rent it out.

To date only 1 couple have borrowed and she broke down and came back on a low loader. Shes tempermental and you have to know her quirks and limitations and little unique ways. And it's full of personal stuff that wont mean anything to anyone else but means a lot to us - shes more of an extension of our own home than a holiday thing.

So I can see it from both sides really.

DopeyDazy · 22/07/2017 15:41

Weve got a touring van and wouldn't let anyone else use it family or friends its not compulsory

Cantseethewoods · 22/07/2017 15:41

I think it's ungenerous of them. We have a holiday house we rent out and family/friends are welcome to use it so long as I don't already have someone booked in for that time. I do admittedly ask some people to pay the cleaning fee (so I wouldn't ask my parents to but I might ask my mates).

brasty · 22/07/2017 15:45

If someone rents out a place, then you are asking them to give up on income so you can use their place. That is BU.

ShelaghTurner · 22/07/2017 15:53

Goodness, we'd never have a holiday if PIL didn't let us use their holiday home! Nowhere as exotic as the French Riviera though but still lovely. They don't let it out to non family, their choice. But we'd never push to use it if they weren't keen. Not much you can do about that.

Lucysky2017 · 22/07/2017 16:10

How many free holidays do you offer them a year?

watchingthedetectives · 22/07/2017 16:26

I would love to have a holiday home and at some point maybe able to. If and when we get one my DCs/any unborn children/partners and friends will be welcome - it will be best used as much as possible.

I understand that if you rent it out then it's a different matter but I think it's selfish and shortsighted not to be a bit more generous if you are lucky enough to be able to afford it

What goes around comes around and all that

user1497357411 · 22/07/2017 16:41

We lived in Denmark before and have a house in Sweden. When we first got it almost all of our friends and relatives said something along the lines of "Great, now we can get free holidays in Sweden". We shut that down right away. Said we bought the house so we could go to Sweden and they should feel free to come and visit us, but there are no guest rooms, so they will sleep on the sofabed. We have only lent the house to my FIL and MIL and my parents. They have always done a lot for us, where as our siblings .... uhm no. We have done lots for them and they have not returned the favours. We have helped one of my SILs move 5 times and she has never as much as filled one moving box for us.

When DH went for a fishing weekend in our house with his friends, two of them were surprised that he started doing the dishes for "surely, the dishes could just be left for his wife to do next weekend?". They have often said that my DH must be opressed in his marriage as he does his part of the chores and doesn't leave everything for me to do. DH's one friend who was also married (and is still married) set them straight, but of course we are not going to lend our house to "friends" who figure the can just leave a mess, because I'll take care of it.

It is hilarious though, one of those idiots is married now and is so whipped. It is so amusing. He is allowed to fish on a rare occasion, but not to bring the fish home, he is not allowed to play poker (they only played for pennies) and they have a dog, can't remember the breed, looks a bit like a mini poodle and of course it has a pink bow on its head. But I was a harridan, because when my husband was invited to play poker he would usually ask me first if we already had any plans. Ha! Smile

user1497357411 · 22/07/2017 16:44

Oh, and we do let the house when we are not using it. So it would cost us money to let friends borrow it for nothing.

timeisnotaline · 22/07/2017 16:53

YANBU re thehouse.bith mine and my dhs parents would expect us to use a holiday house free of charge.similarly if I had one I would expect siblings and good friends to have use of it (paying a nominal fee to keep the lights on and have a cleaner in). Agreeyou should not rely on them for childcare and you should move if you would be happier elsewhere. their loss!

mummmy2017 · 22/07/2017 17:02

Tarturumies

littlebird7 · 22/07/2017 17:28

Tilda

I learnt (the hard way) there are usually two sets of grandparents:

a) Grandparents bend over backwards, are thrilled to include their dc and their gc in everything they do and are generous and loving (lucky people whom have this)

b) Then you have the b) type of grandparents whom life revolved around them and are selfish and unaware of others needs and hopes....

You can take your pick which camp your in laws are going to fall into. We had camp b with both sets, and the only thing you can do to offset the potential stress is to have ZERO expectation (and I mean zero) and live your own lives independently. Don't forget it works both ways, if their love and time is conditional then so is yours...

Congrats with your pregnancy! Exciting time for you and you won't want to travel far with your first born anyway so problem solves itself Flowers

TatianaLarina · 22/07/2017 17:31

If someone rents out a place, then you are asking them to give up on income so you can use their place. That is BU

We rent our place out, but houses in S.France are only really rented out in the mid and high seasons. Empty weeks we go ourselves or let family take it and off season it's available.

There's no reason why OP couldn't go off season if PIL need the rent.

Tofutti · 22/07/2017 17:33

Something isn't right in the way the OP is making comments, never said this before but this post stinks...
have the kid. unborn...
Are you from somewhere other than the UK, as your attitude is very odd.
Why should the mother of your DH have your child. Why should she let you use her home if she doesn't want to, let alone pay for you to go.
I think your your own worse problem...

Did you mean to sound so racist, mummy2017?

And it's 'you're your own worst problem, not 'your your own worse problem'. Hilarious that you're trying to defend your shit grammar.

mummmy2017 · 22/07/2017 17:39

Large finger small phone..

Are you from somewhere other than the UK, as your attitude is very odd.
Was phrased wrong, in a lot of countries the childcare arangements differ to the UK, and Grandparents do a lot of the childcare, to save the parents from having to pay out.

Not meant to be taken as anything other than different countries expect different levels of help.

hollyisalovelyname · 22/07/2017 17:53

I can't imagine having a holiday home and not letting my children go there
( occasionallySmile)

Boredwithmyname · 22/07/2017 18:16

Littlebird are you for real? In what parallel universe does failing to bend over backwards equate to being selfish and unaware? Possibly, just possibly the GP might have their own lives?

DopeyDazy · 22/07/2017 18:22

Am hoping that all the people happy to let friends and family use the properties dont mind fixing the damage and breakages that no one ever admits to.

toosexyforyahshirt · 22/07/2017 18:24

I learnt (the hard way) there are usually two sets of grandparents

Actually I think you'll find the majority of grandparents are somewhere in the middle of your two very extreme viewpoints, neither martyrs to their grandkids nor completely disinterested.

And I think your judgement says more about you than them. You clearly think the only right way is the grandparents who live solely for your children....

Luncharmstrong · 22/07/2017 18:29

I think they are being a bit mean.
I have a rental holiday flat in a lovely spot not far from home. Initially I let all friends and family use it whenever because I believe you should share nice things around.
Since renting it on Airbnb I have had to restrict it a bit .
No one has ever left it as clean as I need it for renting ! But I don't really mind .

Decaffstilltastesweird · 22/07/2017 18:29

*I learnt (the hard way) there are usually two sets of grandparents

Actually I think you'll find the majority of grandparents are somewhere in the middle of your two very extreme viewpoints, neither martyrs to their grandkids nor completely disinterested.*

^I learnt (the hard way) there are usually two sets of grandparents

Actually I think you'll find the majority of grandparents are somewhere in the middle of your two very extreme viewpoints, neither martyrs to their grandkids nor completely disinterested.

And sometimes they're very invested in one set of GC and not overly interested in the others. Definitely not just the two camps imo. There are loads of possibilities. GParents are only human.

Decaffstilltastesweird · 22/07/2017 18:30

Oh what the devil happened there^^? Sorry - hope you can make sense of that.

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