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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH's parents have a flat on the riviera and don't offer us to go

194 replies

tilda0 · 22/07/2017 12:22

DHs mother and 12 years husband own a flat on the coast of France and they rent a house in the countryside. They don't offer us to go and mil knows that we are not rolling I. money at all.
We are sometimes invited to the countryside (2h away from where we live) but only if they are there and/or if it's Christmas or some sort of celebration.

Not nice! Or aibu?

I can't believe that my DH thinks that they will be reliable to help with child (unborn yet!). They obviously have their own schedule planned and rules set.

OP posts:

Original poster

tilda0 · 22/07/2017 13:02

RobinHumphries why compare neighbours and children? We aren't just the neighbours

OP posts:

user1497480444 · 22/07/2017 13:03

YABU. massively unreasonable.

What makes you think you re entitled to a free holiday?

LordPercy · 22/07/2017 13:04

My SIL has at least 5 properties in Turkey she lets out and has never thought to ask us if we'd like to stay at any point out of season or otherwise. I've gone past being bothered (mainly on my DH's behalf) and now I wouldn't go even if she chartered a private jet for us.

WonderLime · 22/07/2017 13:05

Actually, I do think you are coming across as entitled in this instance. Why should they "pay you holidays"? Do you see them often and have a close relationship?

There may be a variety of reasons they don't want you to use their home (that they paid for, not you or DH), but I suspect that it's got more to do with a frosty relationship between you all.

Babbitywabbit · 22/07/2017 13:05

If I were in their position I would offer it. Why can't your dp ask? Ultimately though it's up to them so be prepared for a no (even if there seems no logical reason!)

As for help when you have children- that's a different issue; why should they be expected to provide regular help? They may want to be loving and interested grandparents which they're quite entitled to be without revolving their lives around your wants

Original poster

tilda0 · 22/07/2017 13:06

I am astonished that some people only think about money in this situation. My DH and I are happy to sit on the beach with a juice from the supermarket. We don't need to hang out in cafes, restaurant and shops.

OP posts:

brasty · 22/07/2017 13:06

Depends how often they go to their other house. Is it every weekend? Do they rent it out for money?

swingofthings · 22/07/2017 13:06

Ok... so the flat is empty all year long unless they are there (every 3-4month)
So likely to be house proud and not trusting you would be too.

choli · 22/07/2017 13:07

They obviously have their own schedule planned and rules set.

Those utter plonkers! Thinking their lives and schedules are about them and not you!

ChangeCat · 22/07/2017 13:07

ChangeCat wtf! You would not want to let your son go to your country house for a few days?

I'm not sure how I'll feel in 20 years time (DC still a toddler) but TBH it would depend on the partner. If I knew her well I might not mind.

Perhaps your inlaws like to leave their personal stuff there, ready for when they return?

BloodWorries · 22/07/2017 13:08

I'm confused on how your DH think he can rely on them for childcare unless they usually live close by?
Is the flat a holiday home, and the rented one 2 miles away another frequent holiday place or where they live? You can't expect MIL to do a 4 hour round trip to babysit.

It's their flat. It's theirs to offer. If you and DP are that bothered then ask if you can use it. But keep in mind any reason why they might not want you there. Are you both clean and tidy people? Will you make sure that everything is in a decent state when you leave? Maybe even offer to take your own towels and bedding to use or make sure theirs is washed and put back on before you leave.

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 22/07/2017 13:09

So you want free holidays and free childcare

What do you do for your in laws?

You're not being unreasonable to be disappointed. But quite why you think you're entitled to it I don't know.

swingofthings · 22/07/2017 13:09

ChangeCat wtf! You would not want to let your son go to your country house for a few days?
I certainly wouldn't! Their definition of tidy and ours is very different!

Original poster

tilda0 · 22/07/2017 13:09

I am not saying we are entitled to stay in their flat. I just think it would be a nice gesture. Why on earth not offering us to stay 5 days. We would only go once. We would probably not go again! To the stupid comment on the summer wardrobe: it's all ikea and there is nothing valuable there. Summer wardrobe! Haha this is ridiculous

OP posts:

ghostyslovesheets · 22/07/2017 13:10

yes it is rather

Summerswallow · 22/07/2017 13:11

I think they are mean. We own property abroad and offer it to family and good friends, certainly family members- give them the keys and let them get on with it. Cannot understand all the 'need it to be tidy/it's theirs/entitled' stuff that people are coming out to justify a parent not sharing their holiday home with their child. I would (and do) share anything like that with my children, parents, siblings, good friends, as long as they don't leave it horrible, which no-one ever has.

Sgtmajormummy · 22/07/2017 13:11

First impression is that MIL's second husband is controlling the couple's choices and has no interest in his adult "stepson".

Which isn't unheard of.

TheMaddHugger · 22/07/2017 13:11

OK So DH has hinted around and kinda Asked.... They changed the subject ?

They must have a reason.

They don't owe you a holiday.

Decaffstilltastesweird · 22/07/2017 13:12

I think this is odd too op. I can't imagine owning a flat on the riviera and not offering it to my son to use, unless there was a reason; like he had filthy habits, he couldn't be trusted, I needed the flat to let out to strangers as income (all of which you have said aren't the case). But then, I'm unlikely to ever own a flat on the riviera so it's a moot point and hard for me to imagine anyway !

Agree with pps too. Do not rely on anyone for (free or discounted) childcare. I mean anyone other than your husband of course. It will save you a lot of ill feeling if you have zero expectations. This is the situation with my in-laws, my dad and my family. My dad works very hard and lives in Ireland. My in-laws are closer and work less, but don't make that much effort. In return we don't make that much effort either and it works. Everyone is nice to each other though and in a real bind we could ask them, but it isn't easy. It annoyed me for a while, as in-laws do regular child care for sil plus lots of nice trips out with her dc and make enormous efforts to do this. But now, I think I actually prefer things the way they are and I still like seeing them when we do. I just don't expect anything and they don't expect anything from me either.

mrsmuddlepies · 22/07/2017 13:12

tilda0, You sound like you don't like them and resent them for owning a holiday home. If you were nice to them they may unbend ......

WonderLime · 22/07/2017 13:12

it's all ikea and there is nothing valuable there.

How would you know - you've never been invited to stay?

YABU and VV entitled. Your responses certainly aren't helping either.

Original poster

tilda0 · 22/07/2017 13:12

Ok so the inlaws live 10min away from us.
I don't need childcare from them, we have free childcare here.
My DH thinks that his mum would be happy to have the kid for 3 days once a year if we want to go away. I ACTUALLY think that he shouldn't expect anything!

OP posts:

Summerswallow · 22/07/2017 13:13

No-one 'owes' anyone anything in this life, but 'owing' and 'entitlement' are just not features of being in my family. We like each other and look after each other. This other way of thinking (which I first encountered on mumsnet) is alien to being in a family to me!

Decaffstilltastesweird · 22/07/2017 13:14

My DH thinks that his mum would be happy to have the kid for 3 days once a year if we want to go away. I ACTUALLY think that he shouldn't expect anything!

You're absolutely right imo.

user1486915549 · 22/07/2017 13:14

How could they help with childcare when they live so far away from you ?

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