To still feel so fucked off with my parents?

[lastminuterush]

In many ways my parents were good; very loving and generous and supportive.

But there are various things that really stand out from my childhood and adolescence and I sometimes feel angry.

Like:

• clothes; we didn't lack money but I never had clothes. A few hand me downs from my brother. Some horrible stuff from the market. Occasionally I'd beg something as a birthday or Christmas present but often it was wrong - like one year I asked for jeans and I got them but they were more demim trousers with an elasticised waist and embroidery, so for much younger girls. It contributed in part to such bad bullying as I always had awful stuff.

• my dad and the camera. He used to 'stage' elaborate photographs - getting the whole family to stand somewhere stupid while he took a picture or getting you into stupid poses and then putting the photos up somewhere. He once barged in on me when I was trying to eat something and took a photo. Just made you feel self conscious and stupid. And I hate the fact that I hate most of our family photos as I remember feeling awkward and ridiculous.

• Sunday school. My brother and I were made to attend Sunday school twice a day every Sunday. This lasted until year 5 for me I think and year 7 for my brother. Then it was once a day. I think we finally rebelled completely in secondary. The people running it were completely barking mad but my dad used to chuckle in an indulgent way and seemed to find them charming

• food. Just couldn't ever have a snack without some huge row as my mum worried endlessly about me getting fat yet used to buy copious amounts of cakes and biscuits.

• my mum slagging me off to people, sometimes inventing stuff. Sometimes if I challenged her on it she'd do this silly high pitched laugh and claim it happened. Stuff like 'titter titter my DD once rang me in the middle of the night because she fell out with her friends at a sleepover'. This didn't happen! Other times she would agree it was fictitious but she was trying to make the other parent feel better because I was well behaved

• mother having a memory like an elephant. I got into a minor bit of trouble at school in year 1 - talking or something - and the teacher must have mentioned it to my grandmother at pickup and she told my mum. My mum was still talking about it when I was in secondary school.

• my mums rages. Not often but sometimes I remember her just losing it and screaming. It was frightening when I was little.

• the emphasis on academic achievement. They used to force me to do work after school and if I got things wrong they'd yell and scream; my dad would punch things in frustration. It made me feel awful.

• comparisons to other children; my mum would tell me how much better another little girl was at me for something.

I don't know. Sometimes I feel mad with them, then guilty.

(I don't want counselling; please don't suggest.)

I guess you're mourning a life lost, the one you could have had if your parents had nurtured you and valued you -filling you with confidence and an ability to take on the world.

Its sad, and it does warrant some grieving, it really truly does.

I get it because so much resonates with me, although our church going was engorced because of extreme religious views. I recall my shaking hands at a piano lesson because she came in to listen and i knew I would be hit repeatedly afterwards because she would be in a rage for how badly I had played.

I've had some massive arguments with my mother as an adult. One particular time she started to lecture me I let rip, brought up a load of some of the things she had done and had allowed (not even the worst ones though), and told her she had lost the right to lecture me on parenting with the crap job she had done. She then tried to tell me she had learned from her mistakes and was trying too teach me. I told her I too had learned from her mistakes as i had to live it, so i did't need HER help to be a better mother. She has finally learned not to try to lecture me because its too painful for her as I argue back now.

But it was only being a mother that gave me the strength and courage to speak up like I did. I could't imagine treating my DSs the way I was treated.

Some of the things are like my parents. My dad used to rage often. He also used to say my female cousins were better than me at everything and he liked them more. Also once when I was home alone and I decided to do myself some beans on toast,I done three toasts as I was hungry because I'd had no breakfast. My parents come home and my dad laughed and said I was eating a banquet. I told him I was hungry because I had no breakfast. He told me I didn't have to make up for it and made out I was greedy. He then kept mentioning it to people even years later and they would laugh about it. I could never understand what the issue was and it made me feel put upon.
There were lots of things I look back on and feel angry about. It really used to anger me for ages. But as I am matured I just put it out my mind and get on with my life. It's all you can do . But venting your anger online or just writing it down helps.

Also the photo thing. My dad had a camera and would often take photos at inappropriate times. Like I could have looked my worse like my hair looking a mess.I was eating a melon once and pulling a face. I was eating fish and chips when he come in and took a photo.Whether we were ready or not he would be snap happy.It was annoying.

i find this thread difficult.becasue I look back at things in my life and think gosh my parents f me up with things they did.(some things) and they staye with me and I never got over. but here where I think is the difference. I love them and no with every ounce of me they love me.or would never choose to hurt me. they didn't hurt me.they did thing with their own f up world and it hurt.but they didn't do it to get to me or to make my life hell.i was just swepped up almost in their own problems.did they ge tthose from their own up bringing.did they blame their parents.
I don't no.i think there is many calling certain things abuse.
the difference we need to make sure we see is that people we love can hrut is as we travel through life together but its not abuse or hate or hurt if its together.if a situation just occurs because that is life.
I cant ever hate my parents or some of the hurt because god they fought for me and lived with through some shit.and I love them.and I want to say they loved me.i ceritnaly never felt worth of it sometimes.
so lets not pander to being made to look silly or someone took pictures of us in our boxers. come on...not abuse. just idiotic parents doing the wrong thing
difference.

kate parents can be abusive and still love their children.

And I thought this only happened to me, exactly like u said! And I grow up on 90s! Every year everyone has the latest jeans or bag and I didn't , my parents couldn't even bother, even at church was same they force us to go to church dress in rags and then compliment on other children or people well dress, when my mother could afford to dress herself well. I did therapy and told all exactly u post , next thing I know is the therapist calling to ask if my parents have any contact with my children as they will need to report them as abusive, I said no thank god my father is dead and my mother lives miles away! They did this and no one of her kids stay near to look after her! And I did have people saying oh they were loving parents, they didn't know better( well they didn't live there) I still struggling with socialising be making friends or work . But I am trying be a better parent!

Your parents don't sound bad at all. Mine were both alcoholics and my father used to regularly hit my mum and me, so I think your upbringing wasn't too bad.

Poopants- really??

My dad used do cane us kids on bare bottoms. This was in the 60/70s when corporal punishment was allowed. No way would he be 'reported' now.

I'm not justifying what he did and i cannot imagine putting a child through that. But it's a fact that views and legislation have altered hugely over the last few decades.

The only thing I can say to you OP is Snap. This sounds exactly like what happened in my childhood and sometimes still happens now even though I've just turned 50

i think this stuff always buzzes around. last weekend i went to a wedding at a place which was one of our few childhood holidays. it reminded me of ny parents unhappy marraige which flared up worse than usual and meant that holidays were not to be enjoyed. according to them however, it was our mere existence that ruined them

All parents are different. They don't set out to hurt or annoy you. They are flawed people as most of us are.
I once read that if your parents fed you, kept you warm and safe, then they were just good enough. Some of us are lucky, we get loving, sensitive parents who get most things right...I wasn't that lucky but as I have got older I realise my mother, in particular was a troubled woman who couldn't be an ideal mother. She had rages and could be very aggressive and she told lies.
I tried to do everything different with my children to the way my mother did with me, but then I failed in ways I wasn't even aware of as I have learned from my daughter who has her own issues with my parenting!

As others have said, their behaviour reeks of emotional abuse, which can be devastating and leave scars re self worth that last way in to adulthood. It is difficult to list specifically and convey the damage each act has done to those that haven't been through it so ignore those on here who are saying it's normal - it isn't, it is not unconditional love it is highly conditional 'we will love you if you eat this / do this / behave like this etc' and at every turn you are left feeling worthless as you are not meeting their expectations. When I was a teenager my dad used to phone me at home after school from his work to remind me I needed to go out for a run because I was fat, which I wasn't- this is the tip of the ice-berg but often an easy one for those that haven't experienced this sort of emotional abuse to realise is wrong. After years of trying to maintain a difficult relationship and two different councillors (who both said he needs the councilling not me after they read vile spiteful letters he has sent me listing my failures in life and the times I let him down) we finally became estranged 6yrs ago after he lost the plot and assaulted my husband - my dad was spouting that we were dreadful parents for considering sending our eldest daughter to a local state secondary school in London and that we should be selling up moving out and sending her to a private school elsewhere. My hubbie said it was our choice where to send her to school, my dad lost the plot as not used to anyone standing up to him and assaulted my hubbie. My mum is very weak in all of this partly demoralised into a corner but also makes excuses for and supports his behaviour. Soz I've made this all about me but to show you are defo not alone and it is difficult for some to comprehend. Have some councilling if you can and get some books on dealing with narcissistic behaviour. xxx

Italiangreyhound DD is 17mos

It's impossible to completely think yourself into your parents' minds because each generation is living in a unique social context. I'm very aware that my own children have been raised within a vastly different society to the one I was raised in- different views, massive advancement in technology and social interaction, different legislation.

One particular thing that sticks in my mind was how deferential my mum appeared towards my dad. This view that he was the head of the house and the most important member of the family. It also annoyed me that my mum wasn't at all domesticated compared to many of my friends' mums- she wasn't interested in cooking, housekeeping or dressing us kids nicely. With the benefit of hindsight, I realise she was actually quite frustrated by the lack of opportunities for women back then. She is a bright lady and someone who would have benefited from having a career and more of a focus outside the home, but things were very different in the 60/70s - no proper regulated child care; many working women were frowned upon etc

While it's important to look forward, I also think a healthy amount of reflection is helpful... it certainly helps me to realise a lot of stuff that happened back then simply wouldn't happen now, so it's not simply a personal thing about how our parents chose to behave; it was a broader picture of how society functioned

I was brought up in the 90s - it was shit. Doesn't sound to disimilar to yours really, we had bad, ill-fitting clothes and were forced to go to brownies and guides. my stepdad used to throw and punch things when he lost his rag. Occasionally he slapped me too. The home wasn't just broken, it was shattered a thousand ways with a long procession of other people and kids to get used to, then the relationship ended and they disappeared.

I'm just trying to do better for my DD is all. I don't get everything right and I do shout but I try to make sure her home is stable and she has the clothes she wants and isn't forced into activities.

Seriously, parenting is hard to get right. My 20 year old recently told me I have emotionally scarred him for life by forcing him to take up an instrument, taking him to karate and swimming lessons and the maths and tuition I made him go to will forever scare him to this day. I only gave him what I never had. He says if he ever has any DC he will never make them do anything like that.

Most of that sounds very much like my parents. Some of it sounds like me (the snap-happy part). Parents often muddle through and hope they're getting it right... and perhaps they do 50% of the time. My eldest was born in the late 80s and parenting norms were slightly different to when my younger two came along in the late 90s/2000. I just hope they all realise that I mostly did my best, and I'm only human. They all seem pretty well adjusted!

I think that you'd feel better if you found a way to let this go and concentrate on the positives they gave you, as there really isn't any way of them changing the past.

Unless of course you really do feel that they were abusive, in which case, if you feel it would be helpful to you, perhaps you could try to talk to them about why they behaved the way they did.

Don't know if this may help but my dh had very similar problems with his parents. At first I didn't understand his complaints until I had known them years and it became apparent (mainly mum's) behaviour was more than just eccentric and was self-centred, controlling, hypocritical etc etc. I, coming from a more standard and loving family, felt that this was very wrong and started googling away. When we came across narcissistic personality disorder it was like flicking a light switch and it all made sense. For my dh it was like reading a check list where he ticked off every symptom. I'm not sure this will be the case for you but, for my dh it let him know that his concerns were real and that what he went through was real and that there was even a name for it. It has helped him immensely, not in the least to discover that counselling does help. There is so much to read on the subject that you will be able to make your own mind up whether it applies to you or not. It is covert emotional abuse. One that has far more reaching damage than one could anticipate. To come from a family where love is not unconditional is damaging. Be kind to yourself and let yourself heal. I'd say that, even if there is no npd, you still feel affected by their behaviour which demonstrates it was unhealthy in some way and you feeling the way you do is valid. Good luck. Xxx

On a scale of build a bridge and get over it to ridiculous first world problems........ I think this stands somewhere on the 'grow up' axis.

zeeboo

Zeeboo has been posting bollocks controversial shit today. Ignore it and it might go away.

zeeboo is right though, just let it go. Its really not worth all this angst ridden navel gazing.

why don't you just move on?

@IDoDaChaCha yo know you do not need to let your mum see your daughter if it makes you unhappy. You do not need to see your mum either. XXXXX

To all the people who think that this all sounds normal, it doesn't.

And the people who say well someone's parents loved them, how do you know? And even if they did, to be honest many parents love their kids and lose them to social services because of neglect, abuse, or a combination of neglect and abuse.

ODFOD User444 theres a love.

Cornel West apparently said “Never forget that justice is what love looks like in public.”

I think we could substitute the word care for justice if we are talking about love in the home.

For those of us who are parents this thread is reminding me to see my actions through the eyes of my kids, will they see that the rules I had were fair and just, did I tear down when I could have built up, etc etc.

As mum to a boy who was taken into care (I mean we adopted him after he was taken into care) I do know that the authorities are aware what makes abuse and neglect. I don't think those things have changed, but maybe more now we are aware and help is available and now people are more willing to report abuse if they see it (I hope).

Some of the posters on here have admitted they are still posting a more positive image of their home life than it really was.

I used to hate having my photo taken. I am sure that also people are only revealing bits of the story. I know people who still hate having their photos taken, but for lots of people here there is far more to it.

My sympathies to all who have had very hard upbringings. You do not need to continue to be in contact with parents who made your life a misery and may continue to do so. And you certainly do not need to allow them access to your kids.