AIBU year 4 Isle of Wight trip!

[Twistedpantsagain]

I have a son currently 8 years old and he will be 9 just before this trip takes place in the Easter term of year 4.
It's always been the tradition at this school which is odd as no local schools do a residential 5 day trip until year 6 and even then our year 6 is far more local than the year 4.
Anyway, my son doesn't want to go.
He's a quietly confident boy, has lots of friends and socialises very well but has no desire to go on a holiday that requires him to be away from us and his sisters for 5 days.
We are happy for him to not go as very child led family and have explained he will need to go into another class to do his work or I will home educate him for that week if the school cannot offer provision but I'm dreading the meeting I'll need to have with the head regarding this.
Anyone done the same?

The last two posts are incredibly judgmental and pretty ignorant to be honest.
Being " child led " need only come across as smug if you are trying to look at it a certain way otherwise why on earth would you be so offended by how someone else refers to their own method of parenting? That's a little odd.
Sleepovers at a few months old does indeed go against everything I believe in as for US as a family this was the time to bond not to encourage independence / ensuring children are " used to it "
To put a completely different spin on it, I'm the daughter of a headteacher who was pretty like me with myself and brother growing up, everything was done at our own pace and we CHOSE to do similar things as your daughter because we were allowed to decide when the time was right for us.
Your daughters personality probably has a far bigger impact into what she's doing now at 16 rather than what you prepared her for through her primary years.
My husband was on the other side as was " encouraged " to become very independent quite young and he's never had a great attachment to his mother, often felt pushed out before he was ready and is adament he never wants the kids to feel like that as a result.
So there are 2 sides.

We must all be so stoopid and ignorant because we are unable to grasp the point that what YOU CHOOSE to do as a famileee is so important that both terms requires capitalisation. I think youve had enough mileage from this now. Time to exchange your twisted knickers for big girl ones and make a decision. You're too insufferable for words.

Insufferable? What a rude woman you are!

FGS, the op has said on numerous occasions that her son doesn't want to go. I would not be forcing the issue. Just because your sons/daughters were ready for sleepovers/residential trips at a young age doesn't mean everyone's are. I'm hoping if he did want to go the op would be encouraging. There will be plenty of time for future trips when he is older and ready. Really I can't believe why on earth you would need a meeting with the head about it, normally a tick in the box would suffice in my childrens school.

I think that most people are encouraging you to encourage your child to grasp opportunities -

He's the only one who doesn't want to go, because your family CHOSE not to encourage independence. Doesn't that speak volumes to you?

Doesn't that smack of your parenting style being out of kilter?

We can be close and living towards our children AND want them to enjoy being away from us - we aren't less close because they spend a night at a friends or 4 days on trip (which is what you are now suggesting)

Absolutely not! Some kids came of of school sobbing their hearts out to be told by their parents that tears or no tears they would absolutely be going on the trip. The amount of children going is just a reflection of the general parenting that happens at the school, nothing to do with the independence or readiness of a child.

I just don't think it's sensible to make a final decision so long before the trip, and before the ds has talked about it with his friends and his teacher.

I imagine the school asks for a meeting to make sure that the "no" isn't for financial reasons- our school had ways round that for kids who wanted to go but couldn't afford it.

I would be concerned in your shoes that your son is so very reluctant to spend even a night away from home or out of his routine. Suppose he had to suddenly, for any reason (say if one of you was ill and the other had to be with him/her) - it would be so much more difficult for him to cope if he hasn't had the opportunity to try it out in non-stressful circumstances. I'm really not sure you're doing him any favours.

"Some kids came of of school sobbing their hearts out"

What, because they had been given a letter about a trip in a year's time? Really???

There is nothing unusual about a child that age not wanting to stay away from home, much like there is nothing unusual about them being happy to. Neither is more aspirational than the other.

The amount of children going is just a reflection of the general parenting that happens at the school, nothing to do with the independence or readiness of a child

not RTFT but how does everyone afford it? I live in a pretty affluent area and even in our schools there is a sizable minority who don't go on school trips even when the school does its best to get everyone to go

I'm not really sure why you posted - it sounds as though you have made your mind up.

I have four children; they are all different two of them would have run to the coach without a backwards glance and loved every second, the other two would have needed a bit of nudging. If my articulate 9 year old was giving me very genuine and thought out reasons why he didn't want to go, then I would listen and decide what I thought was best for him - trying to balance my experience as an adult, and knowing how much he might get out of it, with his determination that he wasn't ready. Although as others have said, it's not until the summer term, so he may think differently then.

I think that you are right to try and see whether the HT will allow you to pay a deposit, but reserve the right to remove him later on if he still REALLY doesn't want to go - Y4 is still young for some children.

But, if as it seems, you have made up your mind, posting in AIBU seems a bit U

It's quite telling that you say that children came out of school "sobbing their hearts out". If it happened, it sounds like some sort of mass hysteria, to be honest, unless the teachers made it sound dreadful - which is wildly unlikely. Certainly nothing of that sort happened when any of my three were told about the IoW trip that they did. The children will all have come through the school being perfectly well aware that Year 4 disappear for a few days part way through the year, and will almost certainly have been present at Isle of Wight assemblies and the like. Most will have done sleepovers. For a whole batch of them suddenly to have become distraught they have to have been winding each other up, or possibly have been wound up by older kids. Are you sure your son hasn't been affected by something like that?

No because it was discussed by the class teacher before handing the letter out
Some of you are missing the point that the meeting regarding this trip in in September and final payment due by the end of the first week in October so it's a matter of WEEKS not MONTHS before school need to know.
If he HAD to stay somewhere I'm pretty sure he would cope, be it with a friend or family member.
He has a good understanding of things generally so I'm sure he would be fine.
The difference here is that he doesn't have to go. It's optional.

Seriously, no one is missing the point OP, no matter how many times you say it

I think a few kids who have a sibling in an older year group may have said things like " my brother hated it " or " my sister cried for our mum " and that sort of thing but nothing else
The teacher wasn't the most soft and kind teacher you could imagine so she may have put it across quite bluntly and matter of fact which may have worried some.
I posted here to see if anyone had been in a similar position and as I've said I will have a meeting with the head to see if the final decision can be delayed.
It is an affluent area but also a religious school therefore I know the church have donated in the past for kids to attend certain trips so maybe that's the case here again if there was some sort of financial difficulty hence why all go.

if it's just a case that he doesn't fancy it, I'd probably tell him he was going
That's ridiculous. If a child has the sense to know s/he doesn't want to do something, people should respect that.

OP, just tell them he's not going.

For day trips, I've paid (in the past) for my dd to go then she's been 'ill' on the day. It annoyed staff but it worked for us. By year 12 she was in a position to say 'I think I might be ill by the 14th...' . But you can't really pull that for a week. For this one you need 'My child, my rules'.

And I don't think it's unreasonable for parents to stay nearby if a child is on a residential. The child is the parents' first responsibility. The child gets the chance to feel independent, with the reassurance that his parents can be with him if he needs them. Great idea, I love it.

Not every child went on the Year 6 residential when my two were in juniors. If they don't go they help in the nursery, go into other classes.
however, having a good time on the trip would be great for your son's confidence I am sure. You'll all still be there when he gets back - and teachers are great with homesick kids. My two both got homesick in year 6, trip but were fine and ultimately enjoyed it.

And tell them it's your decision. If you say 'he doesn't want to go' they'll put pressure on him. They obviously take pride in this residential. Is it a spiritual retreat?

That seems an extreme and strange reaction by a number of children especially if it is regular school trip. Trips seem to be how most children identify each year group e.g. Y4 is the IOW trip, Y5 Legoland trip, Y6 France trip.

In DS's school the Y6 trip had been the same for a number of years. DS, and most of his classmates, were looking forward to it when in Y5. It was the thing they discussed most when asked what they were looking forward to when they went into Y6. Unfortunately due to certain circumstances, the trip had to be changed and as a Governor I heard the news first. I was dreading the day when the Y6 teacher was going to hand out details of the trip and I was expecting tears from the children that day. However, on that day all the children came out of the school smiling and really excited. I told the teacher later I was really impressed with her hard sell technique

That seems an extreme and strange reaction by a number of children especially if it is regular school trip. Trips seem to be how most children identify each year group e.g. Y4 is the IOW trip, Y5 Legoland trip, Y6 France trip.

In DS's school the Y6 trip had been the same for a number of years. DS, and most of his classmates, were looking forward to it when in Y5. It was the thing they discussed most when asked what they were looking forward to when they went into Y6. Unfortunately due to certain circumstances, the trip had to be changed and as a Governor I heard the news first. I was dreading the day when the Y6 teacher was going to hand out details of the trip and I was expecting tears from the children that day. However, on that day all the children came out of the school smiling and really excited. I told the teacher later I was really impressed with her hard sell technique

Not quite sure why people are being so cross with you. All three of mine did go away in year 4, the younger two just for a couple of days oldest for a whole week. My youngest wasn't keen but went came home saying he's never going away with his year group again as he barely slept! Lots of kids didn't go here, but if you make a stand where you think for yourself and for your child,you might find others aren't keen but didn't want to be only ones not to go.
Its fine to not send your child no matter what mumsnet massive says.

Thanks for further replies
It isn't a spiritual retreat although they do visit the local church as its a catholic school
I agree, by saying it's his choice I am concerned staff will apply the pressure to him which isn't fair.
It is a regular thing and whilst it works well for some, knowing older siblings or friends have gone on it it doesn't work for others especially if they haven't particularly enjoyed it!

His teacher must be a right bitch if kids came out of school sobbing their hearts out at the idea of going on a residential. That would be a real cause for concern in our house given she's with them 6 hours a day for a year.

I just can't imagine what she must have said to them to make them react like that. I've only ever seen residentials sold to the kids as a really cool thing to do.

I'm totally with you OP. Both my DDs loved their Y6 residential but there is no way they would have coped in Y4. And ridiculous to have it somewhere relatively inaccessible for parents in case of emergency. It would honestly have coloured my view of the school if this is the kind of judgement they exercise.