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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU year 4 Isle of Wight trip!

343 replies

Twistedpantsagain · 21/07/2017 21:26

I have a son currently 8 years old and he will be 9 just before this trip takes place in the Easter term of year 4.
It's always been the tradition at this school which is odd as no local schools do a residential 5 day trip until year 6 and even then our year 6 is far more local than the year 4.
Anyway, my son doesn't want to go.
He's a quietly confident boy, has lots of friends and socialises very well but has no desire to go on a holiday that requires him to be away from us and his sisters for 5 days.
We are happy for him to not go as very child led family and have explained he will need to go into another class to do his work or I will home educate him for that week if the school cannot offer provision but I'm dreading the meeting I'll need to have with the head regarding this.
Anyone done the same?

OP posts:
Ceto · 22/07/2017 20:08

His class will be doing loads of work around this trip before and after, so he will miss out academically if he doesn't go. It's also going to be quite difficult for him when all his classmates are caught up in the excitement of it. Given that they will be doing lots of activities of the type he enjoys, I suspect that by the time the trip rolls round he'll really regret not going. Please don't make any final decisions yet, he's only just heard about this.

bbcessex · 22/07/2017 20:31

Has the Year 4 trip run before? 5 nights away for 8 & 9 year olds seems like bloody madness to me...

youarenotkiddingme · 22/07/2017 20:31

I didn't realise so many schools quite a way away from south coast actually did trips to little Canada!
When I was younger it was Calshot in year 6 and little Canada in year 9!

I did however go on Brownie camp from the age of 7 every year and it always coincided with my birthday.

JiggyTuff · 22/07/2017 20:43

If it's a state school and the trip costs money, they absolutely can't make you send him. Even if he wants to go

User04812 · 22/07/2017 21:02

Only about 2/3 of the year went on the year 4 residential at my dcs school. Some didn't want to go, and I'm sure cost was an issue for some. It wasn't a problem. The children that didn't go stayed behind and did alternative activities. I think it will only be an issue if everyone else is going. My DD wasn't keen so we waited til year 6 and then persuaded her to do the final residential as it would be her last chance with that group of friends.

clary · 22/07/2017 22:32

OP, he cried at the idea of going and doesn't want to go, so don't send him, they can't make you. Go and see the HT and explain.

I might be tempted to explore further the idea of sleepover tho, just in case of need in the future

The "child-led family" has me confused too. You can't mean that everything your child wants, they get - no school today, chocolate bars for breakfast, etc - so do you mean that you take your child's views into consideration? Cos if so, I think most families do that, actually.

MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig · 22/07/2017 22:51

I went to the Isle of Wight for a week with my class when I was nine. One of my happiest childhood memories. Loved it so much that my then dp and I went there for our first trip away together and then it was the first place we took our dcs on holiday. Absolutely lovely place. I really think you should be encouraging your ds to have an open mind about it. All his friends will be going and will have such a lovely time and he might feel like he's missed out.

Hissy · 23/07/2017 07:47

Remember OP, you're not raising a boy, you're making a man.

Being this over protective and coddling is not in your son's best interest.

It's an amazing opportunity for the dc to have a sense of independence.

Encouraging them to cling is selfish of you.

LimitedSedition · 23/07/2017 07:50

I would imagine the meeting with the head would be to ascertain if the refusal to attend was for financial reasons, at which point I would hope support may be offered.

Not so much to tell you off!

Bluetrews25 · 23/07/2017 08:16

Is he a bedwetter?
Night terrors?

Ceto · 23/07/2017 08:54

It would be fairly daft to make a final decision based on your son's immediate reaction on being told about the trip, when he knows nothing about it so it's one big scary area of uncertainty, he's barely 8 and tired at the end of the school year. He is very likely to think differently when he's been told all about the trip, the class has done loads of work on the IoW and what they plan to do when they get there, he's been told all about the arrangements and knows his friends and teachers that he trusts will be there, and he hears his classmates getting excited about it.

Mercury5000 · 23/07/2017 09:13

My ds did not want to go on year 4 residential trip along with 8 others so did not go. But lessons and assemblies dominated by the topic before and after the trip for ages! He went in year 5 and enjoyed it on the whole and coped well being away from home, he had lots of tales of children crying a lot in the night and wandering around the room, comforting each other for most of the night before telling an adult in charge. I think they do enjoy lots of aspects of the trips but teachers play down the homesickness and crying at night a lot. Some kids who went in year 4 did not want to go away again in year 5 for that reason. I m another one who did not do many residential school trips but has gone on to travel widely, sometimes independently.

Bibbitybobbitybollocks · 23/07/2017 09:39

Unless I'm missing something I really don't understand your issue or why the drama.
You don't want him to go, he doesn't want to go. You've talked to him about it explaining the trip, the pros, cons and presumably what he might actually get out of the trip and he still doesn't want to go, so he doesn't go. I genuinely don't understand why this is such a big deal you needed an AIBU.
Same with the talking to the Head, "Thanks very much but we don't feel this right for Ds at this time, what class will he be in while the others are on the trip?" Done.
If he feels like he missed out after you deal with it and maybe use it to encourage him to go next time.

Original poster
Twistedpantsagain · 23/07/2017 10:14

He was tearful when telling me he didn't want to go, it's not really relevant as he explained to us that he wouldn't want to be without us at night and so on.
He's quite articulate in explaining his feelings.
Perhaps the meeting is for financial assistance but I do think she will put on a certain amount of pressure on me as very much the norm for all the kids to go.
Yes this has always been the norm at this school, year 4 trip to the Isle of Wight and a year 6 more local trip, very odd I think!

OP posts:
jacks11 · 23/07/2017 10:34

Why turn this into such a drama? You don't want your son to go. It appears he does not really want to go. So he doesn't go. Simply let the school know- there's nothing they can do to force you to send your son.

Many children would cope just fine with this trip- my DD is going on a 6 day residential trip to Italy at Easter- she will be 9. She is hugely excited, as her peers who are also going (not whole year). I have no concerns about her ability to cope and in the school's ability to manage any issues she may have.

As for "child led family"- I think the reason this is getting some people's backs up, is the implication is that others are happy for their children to be dragged, kicking and screaming on this trip as they are "parent-led families". FWIW, I think families should have a bit of both-- childrens needs and wants are important- learning independence and resilience etc, that having their views respected are very important. But children also have to learn that the whole world does not revolve around them all the time, that sometimes they have to do things they would rather not do and so on.

ilovesushi · 23/07/2017 10:44

It seems like a long trip for a child of that age. My DS (age 8 at the time) did a two night residential this year with school. He was very apprehensive about it, but had a wonderful time. Since then he has done a one night cub camp trip, which he faced with much greater confidence. I personally would not be happy with a 5 day trip at that age but I think every child and every parent is different. Just do what feels right for you and don't get pushed into it if it feels wrong for your family.

BertrandRussell · 23/07/2017 10:46

My ds was a proper homebird, and was very worried about the Yeqr 6 residential trip. We talked to the school, and they agreed we could put down a deposit, and pay the rest nearer the time. We then set about encouraging him and doing everything we could to help him overcome his fears. One of our jobs as parents is sometimes to give them a little push out of the nest. He went, and mostly had a fantastic time. He had a few evening wobbles, but because the school were forewarned, they swooped in and helped him. One evening, for example, the Head took him off to a quiet corner and taught him how to play backgammon!

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 23/07/2017 10:49

My ds came back from his first residential having learned how to whistle using his fingers in his mouth - properly ear piercing. He was SO proud!

ShelaghTurner · 23/07/2017 10:49

You do know the Red Funnel runs ferries at 0245 and 0405? We’re frequent visitors to the island and they don’t stop at 11 at all. Entirely your choice of course but you’re making excuses.

LittleReindeerwithcloggson · 23/07/2017 10:55

My year 4 didn't want to go on her schools residential trip and so didn't go. Wasn't a problem at all

Marinade · 23/07/2017 10:57

Does being a member of a child led family render the parent from being incapable of making a sensible decision based on their understanding of their child? The hysteria that this is generating regarding the times of the ferry crossing defies logic..... Its the IOW not Alcatraz!

FWIW I have a son who will just turn 9 in November so will also be in year 4. He would not want to stay away from us for a week, and I would therefore simply decline the trip on this basis. It really is not that difficult a decision to make.

Original poster
Twistedpantsagain · 23/07/2017 10:59

From Portsmouth it showed they stop at 2300hrs and that would be our closest one so that's why I took it like that, I'm not sure where else I could catch it from!

OP posts:
Ceto · 23/07/2017 11:01

Surely if you actually needed to get to your child quickly in the middle of the night, you would go to wherever the ferry departs from? But really the chances of it being necessary are absolutely minute.

Ceto · 23/07/2017 11:05

You get the Red Funnel ferry from Southampton. It can't be that far from you?

Original poster
Twistedpantsagain · 23/07/2017 11:14

Of course I would get there however I could, I just assumed Portsmouth was the nearest and only one!
Southampton is about 2 1/2 hours away then the ferry is an hour and I'm not sure how far the drive would be from the ferry port to the setting the kids would be at.
It's a long old way, not an excuse but it is a long time if he was distressed or unwell.

OP posts: