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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be so so sick of financially controlling DH

367 replies

raininginjuly · 21/07/2017 20:55

I know I'm not being unreasonable but it does get me down.

I was in a part of town today and I said it was near a large supermarket and I could nip in and get some bits we needed. Cue moaning from him about it being a waste of money and can't I go to Aldi (which isn't that much cheaper.)

It's SO annoying. He's always been a penny pincher but has got so much worse over the years. I really worry about the kids being bullied because of him refusing to buy them decent stuff (luckily I do stand up to him on this.)

It sometimes feels as if we can have no fun as even if we do manage to do something nice it's like you can constantly feel him breathing down your neck.

I just don't know how to handle it or him. My own parents were the same! We have no money issues by the way - he's just stingy.

OP posts:

MrMessy · 22/07/2017 15:13

So he treats you like a child, using a system of punishment and reward?

Oh OP.

Girlwithgreeneyes76 · 22/07/2017 15:16

Op catching up on thread so may repeat but he does sound unpleasant. Our situations are similar. I Sah and pretty much do all childcare and housework, wife work etc and run a small business that generates a small income which tbh I have full access too. Dh' salary goes into the joint account. For s while things were awful. Would moan about overspending on groceries. Yet I shopped in Adds or Tesco's and on the rare occasion he shopped he went to sainsbury.
One year my mum treated me and kids to a trip to Ireland and he said he didn't want me spending HIS money on foreign currency. Err me and kids still have to eat home or away.
Anyway thankfully he has improved and I am currently upskilling in preparation for my return to work. However like you I know he won't step up by taking on some of the hobs I currently do so I need to be careful.
Good luck op.

AntInvasion · 22/07/2017 15:23

Rain. You are only giving half the picture, we need a complete picture if you want constructive replies.

Do you know exactly what position household finances are in? You mentioned no debt, but do you have any savings? Do you have much of an input?
What is he like when he spends money? Thrifty or extravagant? Is he frugal when he needs to buy something?
Does he spend a lot of money on himself? Clothes/hobbies etc?

I know of a woman who had to use her wages to pay for all grocery shopping, hers and her kid's clothes, going out with them etc and she was a dinner lady. Whilst her husband worked in middle management and paid all the other household bills and would spend as much money as he liked on his expensive hobbies and would constantly upgrade his TV and home entertainment system. I think they now have a 60inch screen, 3d and surround sound. He even bought a new house that his wife hadn't even view, only seen photos online (he visited by himself).

Get a good idea of what the household finances are like and suggest a budget for groceries and one for day to day spending on going out or kids clothes. If you are spending within your means and your able to put a reasonable amount of money into savings each month and he is still trying to control how you spend every penny then I would start planning ahead in case you decide to LTB.

Mysteriouscurle · 22/07/2017 15:35

Im a bit fed up of people telling OP to earn her own money. She fucking well is earning money. By looking after the children he helped create and without her childcare he could not earn £80k. And everybody saying the childcare would not be solely hers to pay. What if he doesnt pay childcare? She could be working 40 hrs a week and trying to fit in everything else around it for absolutely no financial gain and the added stress of time off for sickness which she has already said was a problem. And it sounded like it mostly affected her work not his.

OP ignore the nasty posts. We dont have joint income of £80k and are comfortably off. I'd be pissed off if dh moaned a lot about what we spent. If we were struggling I'd be fine to watch the pennies. I get it. I really do. No idea what you should do about it though.

Butterymuffin · 22/07/2017 15:43

Right, so you do want to leave. I would then. A gilded cage is still a cage (not sure being able to shop at Morrisons is a gilded anything but hey ho) and you don't want the kids growing up thinking this is how relationships work. Now, you'd said you'd contacted WA but you were concerned about contact with the children - what are you worried about?

Firewall · 22/07/2017 15:43

Hi OP. Completely sympathise with you. Have you told him how suffocating it is when he behaves as such? Is he under a lot of stress thus taking it out on you? Sounds like a lot of other issues as it certainly isn't normal behaviour. We generally have a budget and if anything my DH makes sure we never skimp on food even though I am not the main earner. He needs to appreciate your position as a SAHP and give you equal spending power otherwise it simply isn't going to work. Otherwise give him the choice of both of you working part time and sharing childcare duties (which obviously isn't ideal for your family set up from what you say) and see how he likes it. The relationship will only work if he's able to understand how you feel and you're able to compromise on something.

Failbydefault · 22/07/2017 16:26

If the op charged her husband for the childcare, housework etc etc, she could probably afford to shop at Waitrose. She has a job already, one which allows him to earn 80k. He should acknowledge this and share it out without being controlling!

Cuckingfunt1981 · 22/07/2017 16:47

Have you spoke to your dh ? Told him how he is making you feel ??? He may be completely unaware that you feel this way

Original poster

raininginjuly · 22/07/2017 17:02

I think he knows.

OP posts:

swingofthings · 22/07/2017 17:15

Sounds like it is time to plan your life without him then.

Original poster

raininginjuly · 22/07/2017 17:55

I need to think but it's hard.

OP posts:

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 22/07/2017 18:02

Financial abuse is (in my view) the hardest one to define and recognise.

Because it is so "dependent".

For example - it is not ok to hit your SAHM wife. It is also not ok to hit someone you are on a first date with.

However, it is not ok to prevent your SAHM wife from accessing family money. But it is just fine to not have family money with someone you are on a first date with.

Whether a person is financially abusive, tight with money or just a sensible person who thinks that paying the rent is more important than nights our depends on wealth of the family and how the person treats themselves.

I'm not an expert on abuse so I can't tell if the Op is being abused (under the legal "go to the police and get him prosecuted definition" but her husband is definitely not someone I would like to be married to.

1sttime84 · 22/07/2017 18:14

@raininginjuly I really hope you've been able to ignore the rude judgemental comments and found some help with the more positive comments.

Original poster

raininginjuly · 22/07/2017 18:17

It's wrong I know but somehow you always do find the unsupportive comments sting.

I feel like I'm stuck in lose/lose with DH

Leave - I end up broke, but free, after a fashion. Kids go to him, lavished with gifts, kids move in with him, I am judged for being a bad mother, kids eventually come back to me traumatised and broken.

Stay -'setting my kids a bad example, putting up with abuse.

It's not good.

Devil and deep blue sea

OP posts:

AndromedaPerseus · 22/07/2017 18:21

He's controlling you through money and making you feel bad emotionally all of which is abuse, I wouldnt stay with him if he can't change his ways in a reasonable time period

imjessie · 22/07/2017 18:28

I don't think you will change him. My dh is super kind and lets me spend what I like but I don't abuse this . My friends dh is the opposite but she does take the piss so he stopped her . Is there any history of this with you? I would try and negotiate an allowance with him so you can budget yourself and buy what you want when you want if he won't let you know ...

imjessie · 22/07/2017 18:28

Now even

Butterymuffin · 22/07/2017 19:20

Would the kids be lavished with gifts by him? It doesn't sound like he would do that from what you've said. If you think he would do it deliberately to spite you if you split up, then that is something different again - he is being deliberately abusive to you now in his current attitude to money.

And would people judge you as a bad mother - why? For leaving him? For not having lots of money to spend on the kids? I don't think people with any sense would think those things made you a bad mother.

Original poster

raininginjuly · 22/07/2017 19:54

Well like I say he can be very lavish and I can't blame kids for being taken in by that when I was myself once!

OP posts:

mathanxiety · 22/07/2017 20:04

raininginjuly, I have PM'd you.

Dumdedumdum · 22/07/2017 20:50

If he works till 8 at night, I really don't see him wanting to have day-to-day care in the event of a break up.
You sound so worn down by this all OP, I really hope to see you posting again in a while with a better life around you.

Original poster

raininginjuly · 22/07/2017 21:08

Thanks math I did reply :)
He would get some custody and I imagine the children would choose to stay with him when old enough to make that choice.

OP posts:

Lucysky2017 · 22/07/2017 21:08

I earned 10x my children's father. Not surprisingly I had no financial control exercised over me. It really does rock. Everyone should have a go at doing that. Full time work rules okay!

CookieDoughKid · 22/07/2017 21:14

Why don't you just ask for a fixed amount of a couple of hundred a month. And end of. He just pays that then squabbles over!!

Original poster

raininginjuly · 22/07/2017 21:18

Because it's a bit demeaning.

Yeah, great Lucy.

I'd still earn less than him even if I worked full time and "rocked"

OP posts:

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