To be so so sick of financially controlling DH

[raininginjuly]

I know I'm not being unreasonable but it does get me down.

I was in a part of town today and I said it was near a large supermarket and I could nip in and get some bits we needed. Cue moaning from him about it being a waste of money and can't I go to Aldi (which isn't that much cheaper.)

It's SO annoying. He's always been a penny pincher but has got so much worse over the years. I really worry about the kids being bullied because of him refusing to buy them decent stuff (luckily I do stand up to him on this.)

It sometimes feels as if we can have no fun as even if we do manage to do something nice it's like you can constantly feel him breathing down your neck.

I just don't know how to handle it or him. My own parents were the same! We have no money issues by the way - he's just stingy.

Can I ask- if you are working evenings, and presumably looking after DC during the day, when do you have time off to relax?

you don't. that is pretty normal with working and bringing up small children.

Why should op have to work?? Her husband earns enough to support the family then she can stay home to look after the kids . Makes sense to me . Some women actually don't want to /enjoy work and prefer to be a sham bringing up the kids themselves . Poor op is getting a right bashing off some horribly judgemental people . She has stated she does work from home and earns £500 per month which is what some would earn working part time so she has no need to leave the family home to go to work plus as she has said MULTIPLE times she does not want to put children into childcare as it is not financially viable for them . Just cos he earns 80k does not mean they have wads of disposable income to flutter away ......... hope you get some helpful advice op

user1497455653 who is ooking after your kids while you work in the evenings if you have help with child care?

Your comments sound very mean and you have missed the fact the OP has a business and I'd earning some money.

Sorry, who is looking after your kids while you work in the evenings if you have no help with child care?

Perhaps user ending in 653 (for heaven's sake get a proper name) should try developing a bit of patience and courtesy not to mention reflective reading skills before wading in like that. Rtft would be a start.

Can I ask- if you are working evenings, and presumably looking after DC during the day, when do you have time off to relax?

you don't. that is pretty normal with working and bringing up small children.

Is it? Well you live and learn.

I'd assume the kids will be in bed in the evenings !!!

To be honest, I think most of us do what we can.

But it doesn't change the fact that you can't leave very young children alone. You just can't. So perhaps if dh had a job that finished at 5 and he was home at 6, some people think it's reasonable for the other half of the partnership to go out and start HER work.

I suppose if you really needed the money you would, you could.

But it seems a bit silly.

However. My dh works until 8. That's 'works' - he often doesn't get back till 9. There is no job in this land that starts then. Even night work generally starts at 8.

Yeah , count your blessings as user1497455653 says 🙄.

Op, ignore those laden with issues about their own lives, stop justifying you being at home with children and read the helpful post.

No one should have to put up with that sort of control over what amounts to pennies.

well, 80k is a huge income but we don't virtually know anything about the OPs outgoings. unless one doesn't have the details, nobody can really say if she is financially cushy and can easily to afford to stay at home or not .

Well, you do, because while I didn't give you a spreadsheet I said in my first post "no money worries."

well, 80k is a huge income but we don't virtually know anything about the OPs outgoings. unless one doesn't have the details, nobody can really say if she is financially cushy and can easily to afford to stay at home or not .

But this thread is not about whether she can afford to SAH. That decision has already been made, by the OP & her DH. The thread is about her DH controlling the money and making her justify ever expense.

Checked back in case of an update from the OP about whether he actually prevents her spending money, whether she has her own card etc. Also whether there's ever been a sit-down, this is making me really unhappy type talk with him.
Don't think answers ever coming except about work - which seems irrelevant as £500 a month is already being brought in by OP and that hasn't improved things!

well, you also said that child care costs prevent you from working (among other things) which suggests there must be significant outgoings.

where one sees no money worries, someone else might. people have different perception of money and money worries in that sense you posts are not clear at all.

well, you also said that child care costs prevent you from working (among other things) which suggests there must be significant outgoings.

No, she said the childcare plus transport to work would cost her entire salary so she would be working for nothing.

OP - the thing is, you are clearly being financially abused and your 'D'H uses money to control you. You can decide this is how you want to live or it's not, but you can not change him. Nothing you say or do will change him, all you can do is change your response to him.

While 2 DCs in childcare would be approx £100 less than you earn now, how long will it be until one of them gets 15 hours free to knock off the bill? If you were to leave your DH, how much tax credits would you be entitled to? What would you be entitled to in maintenance, you can calculate that.

If work nw doesn't pay, would it if you left him? In a year or so when your DCs either get funded hours at 3 or go to school?

Start looking at your options for leaving, unless you are happy to live like this, and you clearly aren't.

This isn't a situation you can change while also keeping everything else exactly as it is.

Italiangreyhound
I usually drop them off to our local 24hrs McDonald's and leave them with a happy meal each. I sometimes always remember to pick them up after my shift though.

They are in bed. When I said we don't get any help with childcare I was referring to OPs post about no childcare help from family. Not that they didn't have parenting.

Missadasmith
I guess I enjoy the time spent with my DC's. I obviously have a busy house but I don't do housework alllll day. We have plenty of picnic trips, days at the park or play dates during the day. I guess that's my relaxation time, if any 😂 I'm not complaining though. I enjoy being a busy person and would rather that than be unemployed.

Everyone is different and maybe I'm wrong, who knows, but to me, financial abuse isn't watching what you spend or preferring a particular supermarket over another and it isn't overviewing a joint account and asking what money has been spent on what.

Financial abuse to me, is withholding funds, not being able to buy what you need for the family, going without necessities and reigning control in such a way that perhaps the husband would expect the OP to contribute out of her small £500 pm earnings compared to his £80k py earnings leaving the tables unbalanced.

But everyone is different. I totally get that from this thread

MrMessy

no, she said that the stress of work and the childcare costs 'nearly killed us'.

This very much suggests that the OP is not financially as well off as the 80k suggest.

OP also refuses to say if she has access to the joint account etc. There isn't really much to suggest she is in a financially abusive situation.

""You say your household income is 80k... you must have life pretty cushty. I'm moaning that I don't have money to spend, your moaning about how you spend it. Sometimes I think people should count their blessings.""

The OP is living with a financially abusive man, who doesn't do his share of household stuff, or child rearing, hardly cushty .

OP, post in Relationships. It won't all be leave, their will be good advice on having a proper sit down talk with your DH.

If he is a natural moaner, then he'll need to put in a lot of effort to change, or you will have to learn to ignore.

The financial set up doesn't change and he doesn't see money as shared household money and allow a budget for 'fun/frivolous', then you may have to consider ending it.

I've seen friends etc totally crushed by this lifestyle. The house and car are enviable, but nothing else.

OK, as soon as you posted the 80K bit I said you should leave him. Pages back. You've noted lots of the critical posts but not that. So do you want to leave him? What are his good points?

no, she said that the stress of work and the childcare costs 'nearly killed us'. That was in the first post. Later she posted to explain about the costs.

You're right about that Birds, it's not enviable - yet you can never complain because people think it is and it is killing me from the inside out.

The thing about the work was so the op could take some control back and independence. If he is not going to change, and she can't live with it, then working would be prudent for her, for the future if nothing else

However none of the questions people are asking are being answered. Right now he seems frugal and cautious with money, he doesn't deny her access, I'm not seeing the abuse.

Op, when you say it was a joint decision for you to stop work, how happy was he with the decision?

Why the fuck would op want to go out to work at 9pm after a full SHIFT looking after dcs all day . She doesn't NEED the money and has said if she did then she would work ! What the fuck has it got to do with any of you who say she shud go to work when dh gets in . It's none of your business . She is working a bloody hard job looking after 3 very small children so hats off to her I say . The very fact she is also running her own business is absolutely bloody amazing considering her husbands long hours and her being busy with very young dcs. Well done op . Hats off to u. Ignore the MN usual catty comments and the ones trying to shame you.

Do you want to stay married op ? Are you wanting to leave but feel trapped because he is the higher earner ? You sound desperately unhappy and maybe this post is a smoke screen for what's really bothering you ? (I'm not trying to minimise his frugalness by saying that about smoke screen though)