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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so so sick of financially controlling DH

367 replies

raininginjuly · 21/07/2017 20:55

I know I'm not being unreasonable but it does get me down.

I was in a part of town today and I said it was near a large supermarket and I could nip in and get some bits we needed. Cue moaning from him about it being a waste of money and can't I go to Aldi (which isn't that much cheaper.)

It's SO annoying. He's always been a penny pincher but has got so much worse over the years. I really worry about the kids being bullied because of him refusing to buy them decent stuff (luckily I do stand up to him on this.)

It sometimes feels as if we can have no fun as even if we do manage to do something nice it's like you can constantly feel him breathing down your neck.

I just don't know how to handle it or him. My own parents were the same! We have no money issues by the way - he's just stingy.

OP posts:
SaveMeBarry · 22/07/2017 13:41

I don't think it's unfair at all coffee lots of posters were straight in telling her to get a job, accusationss that she just doesn't want to work and so on. Then a bit of begrudgery about the household income. It's hardly surprising Op is feeling defensive, I doubt she came on to be cross examined.

friendlysnakehere · 22/07/2017 13:41

raininginjuly, hide it or ask MNHQ to take it down. I doubt they would want any lurkers to doubt posting for help because of the nasty crew on here.

Cuckingfunt1981 · 22/07/2017 13:43

I can imagine him playing the victim op . As so often these type of men do

MrMessy · 22/07/2017 13:51

She refuses to help me by either working

She didn't refuse to work. Her DH was so unsupportive as she had to always be the one to cover sick days for the children and she started to get into trouble at work because of it. If he isn't totally on board with her working, what is she supposed to do? Just leave the children at home alone if they are ill?

Not everyone is against you OP. Flowers

Dumdedumdum · 22/07/2017 13:53

OP you post a fair bit on this thread but never answer the most pertinent questions asked - why is that?
For example:
Do you have access to bank cards and is it a joint account?
Do you have personal spending money?
Are there repercussions if you spend "against his wishes"?
Is it bad enough to leave him?
Have you told him how this makes you feel?

TodaysUser · 22/07/2017 13:57

I think you should look for a job. Financial independence is really good a woman. And the childcare should come out if both of your salaries!

friendlysnakehere · 22/07/2017 13:59

I really hope that op has hidden the thread as frankly I give up.

MrMessy · 22/07/2017 13:59

I think you should look for a job. Financial independence is really good a woman. And the childcare should come out if both of your salaries!

Do you think a man who whinges about saving a few pence at a cheaper supermarket is going to accept that POV?

limon · 22/07/2017 14:05

I think you should look for a job. Financial independence is really good a woman. And the childcare should come out if both of your salaries!

Read the thread and you will see this is impossible.

Earning the majority of the money doesn't give him the right to completely control family finances - getting a job isnt the answer to this issue.

OP I am sorry that my posts last night were less than supportive.

I still agree with Dum that more information would help us understand more avout your situation and whether this is financial abuse or a DH and DW who manage finances differently and so a DH who nags the DW.

You have a joint account - do you budget jointly?

TodaysUser · 22/07/2017 14:06

Do you think a man who whinges about saving a few pence at a cheaper supermarket is going to accept that POV?

He has too if there is no other choice. Whinging shows he probably doesn't have the strongest personality type.

TodaysUser · 22/07/2017 14:06

But I have not read the full thread yet

ilovesooty · 22/07/2017 14:11

Well TodaysUser as I said upthread perhaps people should rtft before wading in with opinions.

Original poster
raininginjuly · 22/07/2017 14:17

I genuinely don't know what to say. I thought I'd made it clear or clear enough that if I could go to Morrisons I had access to money. But I am made to feel bad when I do. Depends what mood he's in. Anyway look I can't even remember what else I was asked and it doesn't matter, I'm stuck with it!

(Limon thanks takes a big person to apologise)

OP posts:
CookieDoughKid · 22/07/2017 14:18

Lets be pragmatic. What's your total monthly outgoing to run family home now and to live? Include absolutely everything include insurance, pensions for you both etc. Then whatever the total is say X add extra 10% of X. That extra should be given to you to spend as necessary and act as a buffer. Have a monthly standing order that way you won't need to ask for it every month.

Original poster
raininginjuly · 22/07/2017 14:20

I'd get crucified for stealth boast. Outgoings are pretty low.

OP posts:
MaximaDeWit · 22/07/2017 14:27

to me, financial abuse isn't watching what you spend or preferring a particular supermarket over another and it isn't overviewing a joint account and asking what money has been spent on what.
*
Financial abuse to me, is withholding funds, not being able to buy what you need for the family, going without necessities and reigning control in such a way that perhaps the husband would expect the OP to contribute out of her small £500 pm earnings compared to his £80k py earnings leaving the tables unbalanced.*

... and you know some people believe it isn't rape if you're married.

It's really easy to draw a line and define something as x, y or z on paper - unfortunately life is more complexed.

And from what I understand OPs £500 gets paid into the joint account so OP's husband does "expect the OP to contribute out of her small £500 pm earnings compared to his £80k py earnings"

MaximaDeWit · 22/07/2017 14:32

Sorry, I ballsed my last post up:

*to me, financial abuse isn't watching what you spend or preferring a particular supermarket over another and it isn't overviewing a joint account and asking what money has been spent on what.
Financial abuse to me, is withholding funds, not being able to buy what you need for the family, going without necessities and reigning control in such a way that perhaps the husband would expect the OP to contribute out of her small £500 pm earnings compared to his £80k py earnings leaving the tables unbalanced. *

... and you know some people believe it isn't rape if you're married.

It's really easy to draw a line and define something as x, y or z on paper - unfortunately life is more complexed.

And from what I understand OPs £500 gets paid into the joint account so OP's husband does "expect the OP to contribute out of her small £500 pm earnings compared to his £80k py earnings"

TodaysUser · 22/07/2017 14:36

I'm sorry OPFlowers. Just read the full thread. I hope you get some advice on here!

NeedsAsockamnesty · 22/07/2017 14:38

Op.

Am I correct in thinking that if your earnt income of £500 a month didn't go into the account he controls then he would say fuck you you can't have anything from me.

(Think I read upthread) that if you didn't pay it in you would have to live off it totally.

Or have I misunderstood.

And what you are talking about is normal food items he's winging about,and that even if you do access anything cash wise you have to justify and explain things like why you picked Tesco milk instead of Aldi milk?

And when you did work you had to take sole responsibility for childcare expense and everything to do with the kids and he still behaved in the same way?

That's what I think I'm getting from your posts.

If that is the case then I would be surprised if any decent abuse specialist wouldn't consider that to be financial abuse with a potential for some coercive control going on. (I run a specialist abuse service and train outreach workers and other agencies and have done for over 2 decades). I would like to try and put you in touch with your nearest service if you would like some help or if you wanted as someone else helpfully suggested you could give women's aid a ring.

Winelover93 · 22/07/2017 14:43

Just get a joint account! Stop letting him control everything.

Original poster
raininginjuly · 22/07/2017 14:43

That's correct Needs

I've spoken to women's aid a few times but I'm concerned about contact with the children.

OP posts:
soulsearch1ng · 22/07/2017 14:49

what are your concerns about contact with the children?

Teaandbaklava · 22/07/2017 14:59

OP I too am married to a financially controlling DH. Sounds identical in fact, in that he earns v good money but likes to be frugal. When SAHM to 2 preschoolers, I felt pretty awful and 'controlled' a lot of the time. So I got a job, part time. Yes in the beginning, money wise it didn't make much sense as I just about broke even with childcare costs. And always having to take time off for kids illnesses etc

Now- 14 years down the line, I look back at those early years, can remember how tough those years were, but I'm so glad I struggled through. Working did give me more say in how we spent money, and also helped my self esteem/feelings of control which had suffered before. Also things got easier as kids started school etc obviously. Persisting with work meant I was able to progress my career, and I'm in a good position now
Still married to DH. He can't help his 'frugality' (a lot to do with his background) but is otherwise a decent, caring man so I'm glad I stuck it out, and he has relaxed a little over the years. But I do know I would have been pretty miserable had I not made the decisions I did

So my point to you is this- that how you deal with your DH is all about how you see or want things long term. Is there mileage in your relationship otherwise? If not and you can't see things changing, then I guess you need to consider your options, which would include leaving
Staying miserable shouldn't be one of your options I hope

coconuttella · 22/07/2017 15:00

I would understand your DH if finances were so tight that any extra spend would lead to financial difficulties, but clearly if he earns £80k, and you bring in an extra £500 per month with no childcare costs to bear you're reasonably affluent, some earning far less would say very affluent. For your DH to moan about a few extra pence on groceries (Morrisons is hardly Fortnums!) and to scrutinise every penny is controlling and petty, and must sap the joy out of family life.

Sorry if I've missed this, but have you tried talking to him about this. What's his perspective? Does he know how it makes you feel? If so, is he willing to compromise.... Too often I hear posters advising LTB on here before they've checked whether basic attempts at communication and compromise have been attempted.

Original poster
raininginjuly · 22/07/2017 15:06

When I have behaved in a way he doesn't approve of or I challenge him, he ramps up the control.

He can be extremely lavish. I am typing this on a rose gold iPad Air 2 thingy-ma-jig which was the result of me casually mentioning it was a nice colour when I saw an ad.

When I've pissed him off, he gives me a hard time about Morrisons. And it's not just the money. It's the way he seems to attack your very being - if you were a better person, you wouldn't even think of going to Morrisons.

OP posts:
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