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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so so sick of financially controlling DH

367 replies

raininginjuly · 21/07/2017 20:55

I know I'm not being unreasonable but it does get me down.

I was in a part of town today and I said it was near a large supermarket and I could nip in and get some bits we needed. Cue moaning from him about it being a waste of money and can't I go to Aldi (which isn't that much cheaper.)

It's SO annoying. He's always been a penny pincher but has got so much worse over the years. I really worry about the kids being bullied because of him refusing to buy them decent stuff (luckily I do stand up to him on this.)

It sometimes feels as if we can have no fun as even if we do manage to do something nice it's like you can constantly feel him breathing down your neck.

I just don't know how to handle it or him. My own parents were the same! We have no money issues by the way - he's just stingy.

OP posts:
Cuckingfunt1981 · 22/07/2017 13:01

How old are your dcs ??

harshbuttrue1980 · 22/07/2017 13:08

I don't think there is anything wrong with being a SAHM if the kids are below school age. However, what limon and others have said is correct too - that lots of people who are the sole earner feel a huge pressure. It sounds like your DH is stressed about finances, and that's why he's being mean. If he feels this way, then there are two solutions - 1. You getting a job to increase income (maybe you're right in that your earnings will only just cover childcare at first, but you may be able to develop your career, and you will also be paying into a pension) OR 2. Cutting back on expenses like shopping in cheaper supermarkets. Its up to you which option you take, but I don't think you can decide to ignore him and spend as much as you like when he's the stressed out sole earner. Either be a working wife or a thrifty housewife.

MatildaTheCat · 22/07/2017 13:10

Raining I hear you and you are definitely not BU. It's should destroying to have every aspect of your spending and life criticised. I bet swimming is vetoed as too expensive and ice creams tutted over. Your shopping bills checked and questioned and you held personally responsible for the cost of energy or petrol.

Your DC will grow up absorbing this pettiness and it's very unpleasant. He needs to know very firmly that you will NOT be micromanaged. You are an adult and make decisions independently. He will not comment or have an opinion on where you chose to shop or what brand of toothpaste you chose. Just as you will not ask him to account for every decision he takes at work.

He has more to lose than you TBH. You say he wasn't like this before marriage so there may be hope. He may have fallen into this without fully realising. It has to stop. Tell him in no uncertain terms you are losing your love for him over this.

You sound very fed up and low on self esteem. Consider working on your own worth. You are his equal. You are actually a better person as you are nor behaving badly.

And do post on relationships. Some people on here are bastards.

Original poster
raininginjuly · 22/07/2017 13:15

Absolutely Matilda

Absolutely that's what it's like.

OP posts:
friendlysnakehere · 22/07/2017 13:23

. It sounds like your DH is stressed about finances, and that's why he's being mean

There we have a perfect example of victim blaming.

Would you say that if someone was being hit?

Mental abuse is just that.

All you rampant anti sahm posters are so unbelievably blinkered by your own agenda that despite being clever enough to have an amazing career and lots of wonderful children, you weren't perceptive enough to realise that the op wasn't asking about the choice to take a different path from you.

swingofthings · 22/07/2017 13:26

So really it comes down to two things:

  • He is very tight and controlling, to the point that even though your account is joint, he will question if you spend £5.00 doing your shopping on an exceptional basis at Morrison rather than Aldi.

I have to say that having worked with people with MH issues, this extreme kind of controlling attitude doesn't usually just appear out of the blue, so it's amazing that you wouldn't have known about it when you married him.

  • Or your OH is tired of your frivolous bored spending, which when you worked and brought in more money, he wasn't so bothered about but is now that it is his income that is spent on stuff that are a waste of spending, leading him to go to the extreme of question EVERYTHING you buy.

Only you really know which it is. Act accordingly.

MatildaTheCat · 22/07/2017 13:27

One tip is, if he doesn't check your receipts easily lost is to ask for cash back at the till and start saving a secret stash of money. As before, if you can't go on, and you shouldn't allow this to continue, go to Relationships and get advice on planning to leave.

It is abusive and it has to stop. Big unmumsnetty hugs.

TenForward82 · 22/07/2017 13:27

OP, do you get to see the in/outgoing finances? I'm wondering if he is in some debt he hasn't told you about?

Original poster
raininginjuly · 22/07/2017 13:28

Sardonic laugh at DH getting into debt.

Thanks Matilda

OP posts:
missadasmith · 22/07/2017 13:30

OP, do you get to see the in/outgoing finances?

the OP is not answering questions, ten. we don't really know much beyond the 80k income and DH's preference for Aldi and that OP and DH have a joint account.Wink

Original poster
raininginjuly · 22/07/2017 13:31

Let's just leave it shall we? Hmm

OP posts:
SaveMeBarry · 22/07/2017 13:31

Wow there are some right fuckwits about lately, some people really just come on here to stick the boot in whenever they can...

Raining yanbu to be upset by this, DHs attitude to money is ridiculous. You have a good household income and say you're not in debt so here is no reason he should expect his wife to scrimp this way.

I don't know if there are other issues in your marriage but if it's mainly his penny pinching ways then you really need to have it out with him. Have you sat down with him and properly discussed this? Does he know how it makes you feel (and how unattractive meanness is)?

harshbuttrue1980 · 22/07/2017 13:32

Friendlysnake, do we always know that the victim is always the man?? Somewhere on a men's website there could be a post saying, "I work hard and earn a good salary, but my wife keeps frittering away my money. She doesn't seem to understand how much it costs to run the household, and keeps wasting money even though she knows its making me anxious and stressed. She refuses to help me by either working or cutting spending, and doesn't care about my stress levels". Who would the victim be then??

friendlysnakehere · 22/07/2017 13:32

Grin harshbuttrue1980, that was a joke right?

Cuckingfunt1981 · 22/07/2017 13:33

Raining why is it you are ignoring my posts when I'm trying to help and be nice to you but yet answer the fuckwits being so cruel ???

harshbuttrue1980 · 22/07/2017 13:33

Also, on mumsnet, a lot of people always use cost savings as a reason to have a housewife. My own mum was a housewife, and she is proud of the fact that she is thrifty with dad's earnings, cooking meals from scratch, going round different supermarkets to get the bargains, cutting the coupons from newspapers etc. And she was definitely NOT an abused wife!!!

Original poster
raininginjuly · 22/07/2017 13:34

Because I have children with me and I'm skin reading so probably missed something.

What would you like to know?

OP posts:
harshbuttrue1980 · 22/07/2017 13:36

No, it wasn't a joke. You really don't realise that men can be victims of abuse too?? Wow.

coffeemachine · 22/07/2017 13:36

wow there are some right fuckwits about lately, some people really just come on here to stick the boot in whenever they can...

that is very unfair. OP has posted with scarce facts. drip fed a tiny bit. A lot of posters have asked questions and OP is pretty much avoiding all of them. She is cagey and hinting at best but fact is, we don't really know anything.

we only ever get one liners as responses. no idea why she posted in the first place Hmm

Original poster
raininginjuly · 22/07/2017 13:37

I've been trying to stop the thread, is why!

OP posts:
friendlysnakehere · 22/07/2017 13:37

Who said that sahp are abused generally?

Did I miss that bit?

Good for your mum, she chose to live her life that way.

Can you really not see the difference between that and your partner dictating where you spend a fiver on top up shopping?

Cuckingfunt1981 · 22/07/2017 13:37

I just wondered if you wanted to leave your dh and were afraid it would not be possible with him being the higher earner ? You sound so unnhappy and down trodden . Please don't stay if you think you couldn't manage alone because I promise you that you could manage alone and would be entitled to housing benefit , tax credits etc etc . Maybe I am wrong and your happy other than the control he holds over you with money . How old r your dcs ?

friendlysnakehere · 22/07/2017 13:39

harshbuttrue1980, you have an excellent skill at twisting things around to something entirely different.

I am quite concerned at your othering now.

Original poster
raininginjuly · 22/07/2017 13:39

I do want to leave but quite honestly his thread has made icicles of horror go up and down my spine.

DH would love you lot though! He'd have people thinking he is the poor injured abused party of an unreasonable and demanding wife.

OP posts:
Cuckingfunt1981 · 22/07/2017 13:39

Don't feel you need to stop the thread . You sound like you could do with advice and a kind listening ear . Not all of us are fucking arseholes like the ones on here that keep attacking you . Maybe start a new thread in relationships ?