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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find it annoying when people tell me I'm stunning

176 replies

Notpretty · 21/07/2017 20:27

I am actually a very physically unattractive young woman. I'm overweight by 2 stone, I have really thin hair, vey strong,manly features. I am not, and have never ever been physically attractive.

I do not lack confidence. I am aware of my strengths and I am proud of what I have achieved, but looks I do not have.

Yet since I can remember people tell me I'm beautiful. My boss even told me she thought I was stunning. People tell me I should be a model and I'm beautiful.

But I am absolutely not. Proof of this is that I have never ever even been asked out on a date and I've been single my whole life. Men do not find me attractive and I am not physically attractive at all.

Only women and gay men tell me I am, never heterosexual men (you know the people that would actually know).

People mean to be kind but AIBU to find it a bit annoying. You know in yourself that you're not pretty, you know it's not true and people are just saying it to be kind. I'd much rather they complimented me on something that's true (like I'm eloquent or something like that).

Telling me I'm beautiful when it's plain as day that I'm not is just, insincere and annoying. aibu?

OP posts:
TheDowagerCuntess · 21/07/2017 23:09

The OP is not going to post a pic - why on earth would she?

peachgreen · 21/07/2017 23:16

OP has posted this exact thread before - or at least someone has.

humblesims · 21/07/2017 23:18

Everywhere I go people go on about me being stunning Really? That seems unlikely unless you actually are stunning? If you are not stunning then why would they say that? Maybe one or two random people might say that for some reason but ...everywhere you go?
Blokes like pretty women and aspire to stunning women but mostly end up with plain or even unattractive women (all very subjective) like me and you. If you have never been asked out then I dont think its because you are unattractive or stunning. It doesnt really work that way. What you;re saying doesnt really make sense.

Alltheusernamesalreadyinuse · 21/07/2017 23:24

I have referred to one or two people in my life as 'stunnning'! But it's a big word and I would never use it to someone who isn't! Flase flattery is 'that's a nice dress', 'you're looking nice today' or if someone has dressed up for a wedding or major event and needs a confidence boost - do I look nice in this? 'Yes gorgeous'. But 'stunning'? Not sure this could b used if not true.

Why don't men ask you out? Maybe exactly because you r stunning! My male friends tell me good looking women are intimidating! they don't feel good enough to ask them out, they r bit 'out of reach'! Perhaps you fall into this category! Especially if you are all the other things you say you are.

quizqueen · 21/07/2017 23:26

Lose some weight, dress well and develop an interesting rather than whingey , negative personality.

Persemillion · 21/07/2017 23:28

I think Jamie Lee Curtis has a very mainly face, but she's stunning. I can't take my eyes off her when she is on the screen.

My husband, some friends and family don't think so, others totally agree with me.

Attractiveness is hard to explain, OP.

ArcheryAnnie · 21/07/2017 23:31

Thing is, NotPretty, that what you find attractive, and what is deemed attractive, is not necessarily what some other people find attractive. It's totally fair enough if you don't want people commenting on your looks at all - that's entirely reasonable. But you cannot assume that they are not telling the truth when they do.

JeReviens · 21/07/2017 23:36

I don't know OP. I think you've probably done a runner now but the concept of physical beauty is mostly bullshit. I've got a friend with a face like a carrier bag full of scanners and she's never short of male attention. She's happy in herself. She's funny, confident, kick-ass and well read. Makes all the difference. Nobody likes a self pitying whinger.

JeReviens · 21/07/2017 23:37

Spanners ffs. Not scanners. FFS!

khajiit13 · 21/07/2017 23:39

You need to stop thinking about this so much. Stop putting so much weight in their opinions. It's is a matter of opinion, not fact.

sizeofalentil · 22/07/2017 00:05

I know some technically ugly people who are extremely sexy, fanciable and, well - stunning.

Just something about them that makes the extremely attractive that you can't pinpoint.

DCITennison · 22/07/2017 00:06

Several posts refer to op's low self-esteem/ fixation on her looks/inability to see her own beauty etc, I think they are at once missing her point and proving it.

What I'm reading is someone who genuinely thinks her looks are below average(by her own reckoning whether or not others would agree with that) and is absolutely fine with that, someone who doesn't measure her self-worth by how attractive she is. It's like people don't know what to do with a woman who is content with exactly who she is.

All this "you're beautiful" ad-speak nonsense...what if you're not? And what if that's absolutely fine?

But again, I will say that I think, op, you are someone many people genuinely think is very attractive. And that's ok too.

prh47bridge · 22/07/2017 00:07

But no men have found me attractive in the 28 years I've been on earth so I think that's categorical proof

No, that isn't categorical proof. As a man, if you are as stunning as people say you are I would be far too nervous to talk to you and asking you out would be completely out of the question as you would be so clearly out of my league (if I were single - I'm not). Many men are the same.

You talk about men actively showing disinterest and sometimes being horrid to you. As a man that screams out to me that they find you hugely attractive and are scared to show it because they think you are out of their league. They think you have loads of admirers so they can mark themselves out as different by showing that they aren't attracted to you. They believe that may intrigue you enough to make you pursue them rather than them having to pursue you. There are websites online that advise this kind of behaviour, but I knew it was common even before the internet was a thing. I tried it myself when I was single. It never worked, but at least it was a lot less risky than putting myself on the line and showing interest in a woman so out of my league that she would just laugh at me. Of course, I may be wrong. They may genuinely not like you. But actively showing disinterest goes beyond the behaviour I would generally expect when someone simply doesn't like you.

It could be that you are physically attractive but your personality puts men off. It could be that you are so physically attractive that men are frightened to ask you out. It could be that you are right and you really aren't as attractive as people say.

If you want an honest opinion from a heterosexual man I would be happy to give one. You can email a pic to me at [email protected], but drop me a PM when you do so otherwise I may not spot it - that isn't my main email address so I only check it when I know there is something there. I will be completely honest. If you are as unattractive as you say then I will say so. Fully understand if you don't want to do this but thought I'd offer.

haveacupoftea · 22/07/2017 01:17

Tbh this thread reads as someone who is quite convinced they're very attractive and is seeking confirmation that men are too intimidated to ask them out.

You could be Megan Fox OP and men still wouldn't ask you out if you're standoffish or have what appears to be a bad attitude. Conversely, you can be averagely ok looking and a few stone overweight like me and if you're approachable and look like you're having fun on a night out you'll be fighting them off with a shitty stick.

It also depends on the context when you receive a compliment. A good friend tells you she thinks you're really stunning when you're out shopping together - genuine compliment. Comments on Facebook photos - 'u stunna' - 'gawjuss hun' - these do not necessarily mean you're very beautiful.

Sybarite · 22/07/2017 01:20

I'm being very lazy and not reading threads tonight, but this topic is crying out for pictures Wink

Having said that the OP mentions they're confident, which I think goes a long way when people determine attractiveness in others

justilou · 22/07/2017 02:22

Has it occurred to you that taste is subjective and to them you might actually be very attractive? Just because you don't have the one generic face that graces our magazines and sells us shit we don't need, that society dictates is attractive, doesn't mean that you're fugly to everyone. So you don't have a head full of golden, flowing extensions, and maybe you eat more frequently than every second Tuesday, perhaps people who know you and like you think you're stunning anyway - because you are a HUMAN!

UneMoonit · 22/07/2017 02:31

Yanbu. Often when people tell me I look like les Dawson I am thrilled, so I can imagine it's very difficult for you at the other end of the spectrum.

myusernamewhichisthis · 22/07/2017 02:56

i met a girl the other day whom people referred to as "stunning". i thought she was too.
dp met her.
i think she was stunning but had clearly had work done - inflated lips, cheek fillers etc.

dp said she had simply ruined her looks.

stunning is very subjective - but you could be absolutely so stunning that people find you intimidating and thats why youve not been asked out.

looks are fairly easy to quantify really. girls = strong asymetric features, full lips, large eyes, long eyelashes, high cheek bones, clear skin, long silky hair,

are you those things ?

myusernamewhichisthis · 22/07/2017 02:58

im very much doubting you are pug ugly if im honest from your thead.

HappenedForAReisling · 22/07/2017 03:04

I can't get past "a bag full of scanners".

Sorry Blush

elfies · 22/07/2017 03:18

Please accept the compliment !
I am not and never will be pretty , but it would be lovely if someone had told me I was pretty just once . I would have been so proud and happy .

Ollivander84 · 22/07/2017 03:33

I sort of get what OP is saying. I get told I'm pretty etc and even more bizarrely I have/do some plus size modelling. But I never ever get noticed, I'm like the invisible woman in the street. Single for years and years, men don't even notice me. Sometimes on photos I think I look nice but other times I look in the mirror and am like "no bloody wonder nobody notices you"

KoalaDownUnder · 22/07/2017 03:45

YANBU. I get this too. Wish everyone would feck off and respect mah privahcy. Angry

(NOT)

JemandScout · 22/07/2017 04:07

If people are regularly telling you that you are stunning then you must be. It's not a word often used. I can think of two women I have met who would fall into that category. Both would be fighting men off with a shitty stick so it's not the case that men would be too intimidated to approach them. So there must be some other reason you are not being approached. Your post talks yourself down so maybe it's just that you are not coming across as confident.

dnwig · 22/07/2017 05:58

Odd thread!

Yanbu to find this annoying.

But yabu to decide that "people are just saying it to be kind" or deciding what other people think. Unless you are a mind reader you can't know for sure that you are right about that.

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