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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find it annoying when people tell me I'm stunning

176 replies

Notpretty · 21/07/2017 20:27

I am actually a very physically unattractive young woman. I'm overweight by 2 stone, I have really thin hair, vey strong,manly features. I am not, and have never ever been physically attractive.

I do not lack confidence. I am aware of my strengths and I am proud of what I have achieved, but looks I do not have.

Yet since I can remember people tell me I'm beautiful. My boss even told me she thought I was stunning. People tell me I should be a model and I'm beautiful.

But I am absolutely not. Proof of this is that I have never ever even been asked out on a date and I've been single my whole life. Men do not find me attractive and I am not physically attractive at all.

Only women and gay men tell me I am, never heterosexual men (you know the people that would actually know).

People mean to be kind but AIBU to find it a bit annoying. You know in yourself that you're not pretty, you know it's not true and people are just saying it to be kind. I'd much rather they complimented me on something that's true (like I'm eloquent or something like that).

Telling me I'm beautiful when it's plain as day that I'm not is just, insincere and annoying. aibu?

OP posts:
VestalVirgin · 21/07/2017 21:07

I have a very unfortunate face! Very manly!

Perhaps that's why gay men and heterosexual women think you are stunning ... Wink

I think I am reasonably pretty (considering that I don't make an effort) and the only people who ever told me that I'm pretty were drunk men in bars, who I am quite sure had selfish reasons to do so; might not have been sincere.

If people go out of their way to tell you that you are stunning without you even asking them, and without hoping to gain anything by it, you probably are. Even if you don't think you are.

ColossalKalamari · 21/07/2017 21:07

You seem to have pretty low self esteem. Generally people are attracted to confidence, so if you aren't managing to attract men then you should probably work on how you see yourself. You must have good points (from your pov) that you can enhance. Even when I thought i was ugly i still knew I have beautiful eyes so I enhanced them. Now I don't think I'm ugly at all by the way because I grew up a bit and realised there's much more to life than the way you look!

WooWooSister · 21/07/2017 21:08

If lots of people tell you that you're stunning, then you probably are. Perhaps you're associating being stunning with a certain type of beauty whereas the people complimenting you may have different taste or be taking into account how you carry yourself, your confidence, your clothing and style.

Original poster
Notpretty · 21/07/2017 21:09

Beauty is subjective.

But no men have found me attractive in th 28 years I've been on earth so I think that's categorical proof.

Drunk men and odd men ask me out randomly on the street. But whenever I've really liked a guy they've always ended up asking someone else out. I've never liked a guy and had them like me back.

If I was a stunner men would be much much more interested. In fact. Men are horrid to me sometimes. Actively showing disinterest.

Maybe I have an annoying manner!

OP posts:
Original poster
Notpretty · 21/07/2017 21:10

I have positive points. I'm well brought up and elegant. I'm friendly etc.

I don't think I have low self esteem. I'm just not pretty physically.

OP posts:
Spookle · 21/07/2017 21:11

ASDismynormality

I'm getting a sense of deja vu, did you post the same thing a while back OP?

^^ this. By the third sentence I was thinking I've read this in the past.

Notknownatthisaddress · 21/07/2017 21:12

I don't mind people telling me I'm stunning and gorgeous, because I am. I'm sexy too and all women are jellus of me. Smile

People seem to get annoyed when I tell them this though. AND when I tell them how everyone thinks I am 20 years younger than I am.

C'est la vie.

HeyRoly · 21/07/2017 21:14

So if you're categorically not attractive, why do you think people call you stunning? Genuine question. Either they're lying, and patronising you. Which is plausible, but unlikely to be true considering so many people do it to you. That doesn't really add up. The other possibility is you have dysmorphia and you aren't ugly.

I'm honestly not sure which one is most likely Smile

Original poster
Notpretty · 21/07/2017 21:15

I think people just say it to be kind and complimentary.

They don't actually think it. I think what they think is that I'm smiley and friendly looking. Not drop dead gorgeous.

OP posts:
Original poster
Notpretty · 21/07/2017 21:17

I'm not hideous. People don't run away from me in horror!
But I'm below the attractiveness of most women. So below average.

OP posts:
CremeFresh · 21/07/2017 21:21

Would you like an absolutely honest answer ?

Endthenightmare · 21/07/2017 21:23

I think you sound quite fixated on looks for someone who insists they don't care about looks and don't mind that you're not 'pretty'.

If you genuinely were comfortable with the way you look, I think you would take the compliments in the spirit they are intended, and not get bogged down in analyzing what they mean.

What they mean, I'm guessing, is that you are attractive. Sometimes that's about physical symmetry and ratio, and sometimes it is more about what you project about you in your interactions with the world. Both are positive.

IveGotBillsTheyreMultiplying · 21/07/2017 21:26

I have never told anyone they're stunning and wouldn't even if I really thought it.

I don't like personal comments on appearance generally; it feels intrusive and there is far too much emphasis on how people look nowadays.

Stunning is a word I'd associate within strong features, which would photograph well.

Like Inès de la Fressange

To find it annoying when people tell me I'm stunning
guffaux · 21/07/2017 21:31

I'm plug-ugly- (horsey yellow toothed, scarred,thread veined, over weight, thinning to bald, wrinkly, short, ) my parents told me I was beautiful (who knows, maybe they meant well ??? ) I always felt as if they were goading me or being false -whatever my mood was-

I've never since been able to accept a compliment as genuine, even when I've been proud of an achievement, when someone says 'well done' I think they are taking the piss, and lose my happiness in whatever-

I think you know whether you are lovely, or not, how you deal with that, and what people say, is as much about your self belief as it is about the 'outside world' - comments from an internet forum is not going to change that

Endthenightmare · 21/07/2017 21:36

I think some people honestly don't know that they are pretty, because there are lots of variations of what it means to be good looking or attractive or beautiful.

If you're comparing yourself to people who look nothing like you, it can be easy to not see your own beauty.

theabysswithin · 21/07/2017 21:36

I think its incredibly hard to see yourself as others see you and to be objective about how attractive you are.

I have gone through periods of thinking I am absolutely hideous and others where I've felt superhot, largely determined by my general self-esteem and how I'm being treated by people in my life.

You don't sound like someone with particularly low self-esteem, but you do also seem to have become rather fixated with the idea that you are unattractive and without seeing what you look like its hard to know for sure but I suspect this has become what a therapist would call a negative automatic thought -- something which you have reinforced so much in your own mind that it has become embedded and hard for you to challenge it.

You may genuinely not be naturally beautiful, but in my experience very few people, as long as they are happy and open and take reasonable care of themselves, are actively unattractive.

Have you ever thought about CBT? It sounds like you may have become a big "stuck" on this idea and could use some help shifting it...

theabysswithin · 21/07/2017 21:37

a bit stuck, not a big stuck

NotAnotherNoughtiesTune · 21/07/2017 21:38

I get how beautiful and sexy I am.

Like you I'm 2 stone overweight and short.

I have nice hair and large boobs but otherwise it's Angry because sometimes I think people are taking the piss.

But hey a little false flattery never killed anyone.

I'm sure you're stunning OP.

Badgoushk · 21/07/2017 21:41

Please PM me a pic too. I am really intrigued! Thanks.

buckeejit · 21/07/2017 21:42

Guffaw that's really sad. I hope you manage to work through that as those thoughts are stealing so many nice moments of your life.

People are mostly genuine

CremeFresh · 21/07/2017 21:44

I don't think Jamie Lee Curtis is pretty or beautiful but there's something about her face that I consider makes her stunning .

Dumdedumdum · 21/07/2017 21:44

It is quite possible for men to be hostile to a woman they perceive as out of their league.
Who do you most resemble who is in the public eye?

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 21/07/2017 21:44

Well personally I have never told someone ugly they are stunning ! Don't think people do

So maybe you are!

Guccibelt · 21/07/2017 21:46

Stunning can mean striking and that you stand out or you are unusual. But if people tell you you're beautiful and you could be a model then they probably mean it. Are you very tall and quirky? Lots of models are.
Maybe it's that kind of beauty people are recognising, not a conventional beauty hence why men don't say it.

Oldcrank · 21/07/2017 21:46

I know some really beautiful people and they don't constantly get told they are stunning.
People just don't say that in real life.
Do you work with or know very flamboyant people?
I'm thinking drag queen/theatre?