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Original poster

Phone call gone bad...

212 replies

FUNM · 20/07/2017 23:53

Before going on holiday sister told parents she was tired and not coping with kids (has PND). Goes on holiday. No text saying she had arrived safely. Parents worrying all week. She gets back and phones up - dad is emotional and asks why she didn't have the decency to send a quick text. She takes it personally and conversation goes from bad to worse. She is now expecting a written apology from him but he doesn't think he needs to apologize. Any advice?

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 21/07/2017 17:52

good grief Bambamrubblesmum ... that was very bitter Confused

isadoradancing123 · 21/07/2017 17:59

Do not allow her to emotionally blackmail your dad, she is definitely using PND As a convenience

Bambamrubblesmum · 21/07/2017 18:15

Not bitter at all. Just a different viewpoint.

Sounds like lots of different agendas flying around. I suspect the sister would have a very different side to this story.

I'm also staggered at the lack of real understanding of PND and it's impact. Especially for a predominantly female parenting website.

SunnySkiesSleepsintheMorning · 21/07/2017 18:20

"Maybe he should raise her 'written apology' and trump her by cutting her out of the will lol She may back down and there will be a ceasefire."

What a bizarre and spiteful comment. Confused

While I think neither your father nor your sister have come out of this exchange covered in glory, I do hope you aren't sticking your oar in and making it worse. It sounds like there is a huge back story in this case and a lot of hurt feelings on both their sides.

Witsender · 21/07/2017 18:22

They both sound stubborn. However I am more on your dad's side here.

EllaHen · 21/07/2017 18:45

Sounds like she needs some space from you and your Dad. Even from only getting your side of it, I can see why.

And it's pretty low to bring inheritance into it. Even lower if you were to sow this seed in your father's mind. I realise you will say you were joking but never a truer word said in jest and all that.

MyGastIsFlabbered · 21/07/2017 19:48

Honestly, PND is such a complex problem, one minute you can be flying high, on top of the world, the next everything comes crashing down and you can barely get out from under the duvet. And with acquaintances you can usually fake it, but with close family it's like you can't escape the truth of how shit you're feeling (if you are feeling shit)

And for those who say PND isn't a killer, when DS1 was barely a week old, I couldn't take him out of the house, because I didn't trust myself not to run us in front of a bus; it sounds terrible but at that time, in my head it made perfect sense.

It's difficult to comment on whether your dad needs to apologise without knowing exactly what was said, but for everyone who's saying 'PND doesn't give you an excuse to be an arse' surely the same can be said for cancer? Yes it's a terrible, terrible disease and it must be so difficult for all of you, but that doesn't give you carte blanch to trample over someone else's feelings either does it?

Gemini69 · 21/07/2017 20:39

why do Posters on here assume we Mothers.. have not endured and survived PND ? and it's been unique to only them ?

MyGastIsFlabbered · 21/07/2017 20:51

Gemini because some people have shown a staggering lack of understanding.

Gemini69 · 21/07/2017 20:55

Oh I agree... and the staggering lack of understanding has gone in many ways... not just for PND... but also for the terminal Cancer.. and comments directed at the sibling OP trying to find a balance in this entire situation... it very sad to see x

Notreallyarsed · 21/07/2017 21:23

Exactly what Gemini just said!

NotYoda · 21/07/2017 22:33

Gemini

You must be reading a different thread to me. The OP is seeking no kind of balance. She's happy about the people who are agreeing with her that her sister's a manipulative cow, and that's about it

Gemini69 · 21/07/2017 23:23

Yes NotYodo we have read this entire thread very differently...

but then that's why Mumsnet works.. all these different views .. must help in some way x

SeekingSugar · 22/07/2017 00:11

OP you just sound as though you hate your sister, plain and simple. Nothing anyone says or does is going to change that. She's wrong, you're right blah blah.

The challenge is to move from this standpoint. What do you want? Grandchildren to see grandfather before he dies? Ain't going to happen unless you all retreat to cool off for a bit.

TheRat · 22/07/2017 09:42

What an awful thread. So many ignorant comments about PND, it's painful to read.

op, you seem to presume a lot about the inner workings of your sisters mind, her intentions and motives. How exactly do you know she is "using PND as an excuse to avoid family", "embarrassed by family", "looks down on you" etc? These are all your speculations, unless you're going to tell us she has admitted thinking these things?

PND causes you to act irrationally, it can make you very defensive and oversensitive. She needs her family to be supportive, and from the way you talk about her here I bet she can sense your judgement and resentment a mile off. I can completely understand why she would want to keep her distance.

I'm sorry about your father, what an awful situation. However sad though, your sister still has PND and nothing can "snap her out of it". As I said it makes you think irrationally, and at times selfishly. All you can do is focus on how you can get through the next few minutes, the next hour, the next day, and hold it together the best you can for your kids. You become blinkered. It would be great if she could say "now dad has had this diagnosis I'd better snap out of this PND so we can enjoy the time we have left" but this is simply not how it works.

I'd also suggest you stop judging her for trying to socialise and having beauty appointments etc. Have you considered she is doing these things to try and combat the depression? Or should she be at home moping around all day if she was "genuinely" depressed.

Seriously, the comments you have made about her "using PND as an excuse when it is convenient" is ignorant and sickening.

These attitudes are why there is such a stigma around MH. So sad.

Original poster
FUNM · 22/07/2017 14:37

op, you seem to presume a lot about the inner workings of your sisters mind, her intentions and motives. How exactly do you know she is "using PND as an excuse to avoid family", "embarrassed by family", "looks down on you" etc? These are all your speculations, unless you're going to tell us she has admitted thinking these things?

She has form. Plenty of incidents we can cite.

Talking of BALANCE - the problem is that she prioritizes beauty appointments, social events, nanny, childminder, work etc over actually spending time with her own kids. She spends as little time as she can with them - even when she was WELL. They are very easy kids and sleep well, play well etc it is hard to understand WHY a mother wouldn't want to be with them and very difficult to fathom WHY she goes out of her way to avoid them. Yes, it is important for mothers to have 'me time' but it is sad for the kids as they don't see their mother and bond.

OP posts:
ParentingEnnuie · 22/07/2017 14:41

She sounds evil. It's a wonder you want anything to do with her. You are clearly the best daughter

Original poster
FUNM · 22/07/2017 14:44

She never took time to prepare healthy meals for them; just feeds them convenience food. Yes, I get she is a busy mom but she could cook up batches and freeze them. She has never done that as it is too time consuming and she has no desired to spend her time doing that.The kids cry when she goes out as they want her to be at home. Obviously, it has had an effect on them. I don't think she was really ready to have children and for the adjustment and sacrifice. She still acts like she is in her twenties. She hasn't really matured in that sense - ie. with the request for a 'written apology' too.

OP posts:
Original poster
FUNM · 22/07/2017 14:46

I am not the best I am saying she needs to up her parenting so that the kids don't suffer. She treats them like more trophies...

OP posts:
MyGastIsFlabbered · 22/07/2017 16:42

OP. When I was so ill with PND I was scared of spending time with my children because I was so convinced I was the worst mother in the world and being with them would somehow harm them. Hell I was away from them whenever I could be, because I honestly didn't feel confident I could look after them.

I'd spend so long agonising over what to cook them that in the end they'd be so hungry I'd end up giving them toast or sandwiches because it was quick and easy.

But I was very good at putting on a show at times, pretending everything was fine when inside I was a mess.

Gemini69 · 22/07/2017 17:35

How's your Father OP ? I hope this Saturday has been a good day for his health x

CouldntMakeThisShitUp · 22/07/2017 18:00

OP posted for advice as to how to handle this situation - and she has repeatedly said she has decided to leave it between her dsis and dad to sort out.

I'd also suggest you stop judging her for trying to socialise and having beauty appointments etc
Classic! Don't read the full thread - or even just op's posts - and just jump to conclusions Hmm

OP - my sibling had PND - it just exacerbated all her bad traits even more. My experience was that she would use all those around her as verbal punching bags, never apologise even when she knew she was in the wrong....and there's a limit to human tolerance for abuse.

Where is your sister's husband/father of her kids in all this?
HE'S the one who should be taking over cooking/care of the kids and helping her as much as he can.

She seems to still be in the avoidance stage of actually wanting to manage her PND......she won't be able to keep up two 'separate' lives for too long, not if you keep trying to 'rescue' her with childcare etc.

Another thing, you can actually speak with her GP about what's going on with her. They won't divulge her info to you but they will keep note so the next time she goes to her GP, they can better assess/help her.

TheRat · 22/07/2017 18:27

Classic! Don't read the full thread - or even just op's posts - and just jump to conclusions
But I did read the entire thread. Why jump the the conclusion I didn't?

The OP has made judgemental comments about her sister socialising and having beauty appointments. Have you read the full thread?

Although point taken, she posted to ask for advice and I didn't give any. It was some of the ignorant comments about PND that made me want to post.

NotYoda · 22/07/2017 18:41

Couldn't

Are you seriously suggesting she breach the privacy of her sister, whom she doesn't even like by talking to her GP?

EvansOvalPies · 22/07/2017 19:05

Vouldn't OP - my sibling had PND - it just exacerbated all her bad traits even more. My experience was that she would use all those around her as verbal punching bags, never apologise even when she knew she was in the wrong....and there's a limit to human tolerance for abuse

That statement there, shows exactly how little you know or try to understand mental health issues. And I have RTFT. I am trying very hard to restrain my comments the moment, but am champing at the bit so try to sensibly formulate what I want to say. In short, just at the moment, I agree with the posters like NotYoda.

Cancer is a dreadful illness. Just dreadful, there's no denying it. But illnesses such as that, and physical disabilities are widely acknowledged as being debilitating. Mental Health issues are misunderstood - they also end in death, many times. It is a hidden illness, an illness of the mind, over which the recipient has no control. No Control, whatsoever. A bystander will say stupid things like 'Pull yourself together' and 'You're just using it to get your own way'. Would you say that to someone with a visible illness or disability? No, probably not, 99% of the time.