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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Phone call gone bad...

212 replies

FUNM · 20/07/2017 23:53

Before going on holiday sister told parents she was tired and not coping with kids (has PND). Goes on holiday. No text saying she had arrived safely. Parents worrying all week. She gets back and phones up - dad is emotional and asks why she didn't have the decency to send a quick text. She takes it personally and conversation goes from bad to worse. She is now expecting a written apology from him but he doesn't think he needs to apologize. Any advice?

OP posts:
Original poster
FUNM · 21/07/2017 01:48

The longer he gives her space, the longer he waits to see his grandchildren with the limited time he has. We can't force her to bring them over or for her to suddenly say they can pop over any time while she is suffering bad pnd or 'being a dick' as some of you put it. So how do we resolve that one fast? Go to court?

OP posts:
SeekingSugar · 21/07/2017 02:07

Everyone needs to calm down.

Absolutely no harm in your dad popping a note to your sister to say hey, I'm so sorry we argued. I was very worried about you and unfortunately I expressed this as irritation. I'm still worried about you, I love you, I'm here for you. Hope you're ok. Love Dad.

Whether she responds is up to her but no harm in being the bigger person, especially when he knows she has mental health problems.

Or of course you could all carry on sniping at each other. I'm kinda guessing it's no wonder your sister has PND given your attitude to her (disbelieving)

ManyManyShoes · 21/07/2017 02:07

Can't you talk to her emphasizing that your dad has very limited time and it is for the benefit of her kids to know their grandfather before he is not here anymore? That fact alone makes me think she's more than a dick. Especially that she didnt visit him. I hate people like her.

ManyManyShoes · 21/07/2017 02:08

She has mental health issues but her dad has fucking cancer? I'd say terminal cancer trumps her issues!

Seenoevil · 21/07/2017 03:08

Your sister is a bitch, PND or not, her dad has terminal cancer for god sake! Restricting his visits to the grandchildren at this time in his life is absolutely vile and she should be ashamed of herself. If she wanted no contact while on holiday then why the hell make them worry just before she was going away. No he shouldn't write an apology.

steff13 · 21/07/2017 04:21

Have your dad and your sister always been right-fighters? With mental health issues, your sister may not be able to see how unreasonable she's being. Surely you can all understand that?

Even if she is a dick, I think your dad needs to ask himself if he wants to be right or if he wants to be happy. He can't control her behavior, he can only control his.

GreenRut · 21/07/2017 05:36

I have had PND 3 times, I was also treated each time. I have a very supportive family, a dh who struggled to understand but quickly realised he needed to up his game, a good career and a lovely house blah blah blah. Honestly, until you've had it, it is impossible to understand the sheer chaos, madness and utter helplessness in your mind. When I got it a 2nd time I was lulled into thinking well I know all about this so will be able to cope better this time. In fact it was worse. Same for the 3rd time.

I do feel really sorry for your dad though, my mum basically turned into my emotional punch bag, which I'm not proud of, but it is an illness and while it's not an excuse for disgraceful behaviour, once your sister is better she will be herself again.

RadioGaGoo · 21/07/2017 05:45

IdoHaveaName, is it Nasty?

Difficult situation for you to be in OP. Would it be better to get them together face to face?

NotYoda · 21/07/2017 06:03

This is not an AIBU thread. It's a complex family issue being boiled down, by you, to blaming one of two people, and with the potential to upset many who are reading.

NotYoda · 21/07/2017 06:07

You don't want advice how to solve this situation. Your position is crystal clear. lol Hmm

bemusedbewildered · 21/07/2017 06:12

Your dad should apologise - whatever the rights and wrongs are, we've been a veteran of these sorts of silly arguments and it's not worth it. She's unwell, he wants to see the gc, it was a misunderstanding. I hope your advice was that he should apologise?

bemusedbewildered · 21/07/2017 06:18

I read all of the thread: I don't know why you're asking your dad to take a strong position against her. He's poorly and if we do take it at face value, this mum is manipulative enough to punish him through the gc, who wants that?

You seem to want your sister to be taught a lesson - she won't learn it, you're only perpetuating the pain.

breadedbrielarson · 21/07/2017 06:22

It doesn't sound like you like your sister very much, also sounds like you're loving this situation. All the drip feeding to back up your position. I feel sorry for your sis tbh.

EdmundCleverClogs · 21/07/2017 06:34

I feel I'm missing something here, what exactly happened during the phonecall that made your sister 'demand an apology'? Putting both (serious) illness aside for the moment, and anymore drip feeding about illness and money, do you think there is a bigger reason here as to why your sister has wanted a 'confrontation for a while'?

To be honest, I can see why she was quite angry, going away for a bit to try and sort her mental health and the first phone call she has when she gets back is family getting 'emotional' with her for switching off. It really sounds like you have no understanding of PND in the slightest.

FatCatFaces · 21/07/2017 06:37

Does your sister actually get on with your parents? You clearly don't like her very much and her own husband has said that being around your parents makes her feel worse?

Having terminal cancer doesn't make a dick any less dickish, same goes for PND, but if this is part of an ongoing dynamic then it can't be surprising.

Just because people are related, doesn't mean they're obliged to have close bonds.

I don't tell anyone other than my husband that I've arrived safely when travelling. If he's with me then I tell no one and don't expect to be berated for it.

burntoutmum · 21/07/2017 06:45

My parents are like this, want updates all the time etc. I find it suffocating ( doesn't stop them!) and I don't have PND!

I really don't understand the "worrying all week". Why didn't they ring themselves? That's the sort of thing my parents would say. Really annoying.

Iamthinking · 21/07/2017 06:58

With only knowing the briefest details of this complex family situation, I feel very confident in saying that the answer lies somewhere in the middle - as usual.
But really, who cares who is right in this unhappy situation? If your father has limited time left he should be pragmatic and the bigger person here and ensure that he gets to see his grandchildren. Everybody can find something to apologise in every argument. He WILL be able to make an honest apology about an aspect of how he dealt with the telephone conversation that is genuine and necessary. If he makes the apology there is more chance to have a calmer, kinder conversation with her to explain how much they worried and show her that his comment came from concern. What has been lost in that situation? Pride?

You are fully entitled to seethe on the sidelines as her sibling though. As someone said you don't sound like you like her much at all though.
What is your sister like (and her relationship with them) when she is not suffering with PND. Is that relatively calm? Reading between the lines, I get the impression that you might say it just an extension of her normal entitled, bullying, spoilt character. Would that be right? Was she like this before becoming ill?

Iamthinking · 21/07/2017 06:58

There is lots not being said here though. You say she has been away before, did she text last time she went away to say she had arrived? Is her husband physically incapable of texting? Why did he not text/call to check how his children were - was he not thinking about them? I find that bit very weird.
If your parents were so incredibly worried about her (and not just using this as a hook to hang their other grievances on) why did they not text her husband and ask 'just checking you arrived ok?'.

Are they really just bothered about the lack of text, or are there whole layers of other issues that they are really niggling about?

londonrach · 21/07/2017 07:09

No way write letter. Just back off give her space but support if she needs it. For the record she has behaved unreasonably not your dad but shes not thinking reasonably at the moment. Is she getting any help from professionals for pnd. Is the father of the baby around.

NerrSnerr · 21/07/2017 07:13

'No she is not faking it she is using it, at times, as a convenient excuse to avoid family interaction.'

The above quote makes me assume that you've never experienced mental illness OP? Statements like that also don't help with the stigma- next you'll be telling her to pull herself together.

I do have sympathy for your dad, especially as he is unwell too but he shouldn't be demanding grown adults text to say they're on holiday safe etc.

It sounds like there is a lot of drama over a text. I would tell all parties that you're not getting involved and just be there for both of them. Don't be a go between as you'll end up shit stirring.

LoniceraJaponica · 21/07/2017 07:14

This looks like six of one and half a dozen of the other.

I would like to point out that you don't stop worrying about your children when they get older. How many of you have older/grown up children? I also understand what it is like to deal with depression in a close relative, and it is very hard.

I would cut the dad a bit of slack about worrying about his daughter. Has the sister actively sought help for her PND?

Ceto · 21/07/2017 07:33

I think the demand for a written apology is ridiculously precious; and all the more silly by virtue of the fact that your sister is cutting off her nose to spite her face, given that she needs her parents' help. If you can get her to see that, however she felt, the incident was rooted in genuine concern for her, it may persuade her to back off.

HoneyIshrunktheBiscuit · 21/07/2017 07:39

Can we not play top trumps with different illnesses and diseases? It's tacky.

GreatFuckability · 21/07/2017 07:39

PND isn't fatal I assure you in many cases it is. PND is the leading cause of post natal death in the UK.

I wonder why you started this thread, OP, as you seem to be quite sure that your sister is at fault so why ask the question?
MH issues are not the same as physical illnesses, they aren't as well understood, nor do the attract the same sympathy. Your father is a 'poor man', whilst your sister is 'using her illness'. I have depression and trust me, when I'm unwell ANY kind of contact with people who I perceive to be judging me, or even trying to help me is more than I can bare. It may not make sense to you, but thats how it is. I suspect this situation has more under the surface than has been said here, as parent-child relationships are often complicated. The mention of your parents 'worrying all week' and ringing her and bringing this up to me rings alarm bells of passive-aggressive undertones. I know them well from my own relationship with my parents.
My advice to you would be to just remain neutral. it's not your situation to sort out. you clearly side with your parents, but punishing your sister more when she's struggling isn't going to help anyone. so just let them sort it out.

NotTheDuchessOfCambridge · 21/07/2017 07:41

I always send a text to my parents to say I've arrived safely, just because you are a grown up doesn't mean parents stop worrying. I had PND, didn't stop me phoning.

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