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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Phone call gone bad...

212 replies

FUNM · 20/07/2017 23:53

Before going on holiday sister told parents she was tired and not coping with kids (has PND). Goes on holiday. No text saying she had arrived safely. Parents worrying all week. She gets back and phones up - dad is emotional and asks why she didn't have the decency to send a quick text. She takes it personally and conversation goes from bad to worse. She is now expecting a written apology from him but he doesn't think he needs to apologize. Any advice?

OP posts:
breadedbrielarson · 21/07/2017 12:51

You basically started this AIBU as a way to rant and slag off your sister, if you'd been more up front about that then you may have got better responses.

Notreallyarsed · 21/07/2017 12:52

OP, it's hard for you too, you're trying to cope with your dad's prognosis which is bloody hard, and be the mediator in a family argument. Can you take a step back from this and let your sister and your dad work it out between them?

Notreallyarsed · 21/07/2017 12:53

I think that everyone who is having a go at OP is forgetting that she is trying to manage a really tough situation, while coping with her own feelings about her dad's diagnosis, and being slated on here for being pissed off about her sister. Yes, PND or any MH issue isn't to be dismissed or talked about flippantly, but neither is terminal cancer. Neither gives you the right to behave how you please.

EdmundCleverClogs · 21/07/2017 13:07

Notreallyarsed, I completely sympathise with her being in such a difficult situation. However, the op has been nothing but dismissive of her sister, hiding glaring dislike under false sympathy of her PND. It's obvious she cannot see that her father has done anything wrong, despite admitting he has a history of being critical of her sister. It's obvious the op can't be balanced in her view of her sister, so it's probably best she's there for just her dad. Hopefully her sister is getting better support elsewhere.

Notreallyarsed · 21/07/2017 13:17

I get that EdmundCleverClogs I really do, but I think some of the comments on here aimed at OP have crossed a line ironically while telling her she's out of order. Unless you've experienced coping with terminal illness you have no idea how traumatic it is, the same with PND. Looking back at the period before my mum died I was barely keeping my head above water, and I certainly wasn't my usual empathetic self, because I was so consumed with trying to help my mum.

Notreallyarsed · 21/07/2017 13:19

I've just read that back and it wasn't meant to sound like I was having a dig at you EdmundCleverClogs, it doesn't read right at all. What I meant was I think that in all of this, the OPs feelings and situation have got a bit lost and probably because I've been through it recently it's still very fresh in my mind.

RortyCrankle · 21/07/2017 13:21

All of you going on about how terrible PND is, her DF has CANCER - how fucking terrible do you think that is? And the OP said she never once visited her DF after his diagnosis. No way would I be sending her an apology.

NotYoda · 21/07/2017 14:54

Well, it's without question that cancer is terrible. This isn't a competition though. And this black-and-white thinking doesn't really help does it

Sister:snob, user ? depressed (but uses it to her advantage)
Father: Good, helpful, ill

The truth is rarely plain and never simple.

There's a whole lifetime of relationship leading up to this event.

HappyFeetAgain · 21/07/2017 15:18

Your sister is a selfish twat. So she leaves everyone worried for a week without contact, and then flounces back with an audacity to expect an apology for upsetting her. Your poor dad is right, he doesn't need to be blackmailed by her. She may have pnd, that doesn't excuse her behaviour. Why did she tell everyone if she doesn't want them to be concerned.

NotYoda · 21/07/2017 15:20

HappyFeet

Calm down. It's not your sister. She went on holiday with her husband and children.

breadedbrielarson · 21/07/2017 15:20

All of you going on about how terrible PND is, her DF has CANCER - how fucking terrible do you think that is? And the OP said she never once visited her DF after his diagnosis. No way would I be sending her an apology.

I do wonder why this wasn't mentionined in the op though? And rather drip fed into the thread later on? Seems pretty important. Hmm

NotYoda · 21/07/2017 15:22

Is it wrong that I think illness, including mental illness, does excuse people's behaviour sometimes? It's a truism that's trotted out here all the time...

Anyway. Real life is not about excusing, sometimes it's about explaining and being conciliatory

Something you don't get much on AIBU

SunnySkiesSleepsintheMorning · 21/07/2017 15:33

Having cancer and indeed depression does not mean that there isn't a massive backstory to this nor does it mean that you are intrinsically a good or nice person. Horrible people get cancer and depression. I agree with Notyoda that both physical and mental illness does make us behave differently and it can be hard for the rest of the family. Perhaps they are both behaving differently and upsetting one another. Neither the father nor the sister come out of this looking like saints but they're human, likely to have upset each other and illness is maybe not relevant to this. The cancer was drip fed in later.

OP has admitted that her father has made her sister feel criticised. There is clearly something going on here and it's not just about a text. The OP has nothing nice to say about her sister really and I don't think she can be objective. I hope the sister and dad can sit together and work through this. There is no need to play illness top trumps, either in real life or on here.

diddl · 21/07/2017 15:36

" she has been awful in not visiting a dying father and not allowing regular access to his grandchildren."

Seems as if they don't get on.

It really is up to her how often she sees him & he sees the kids.

VladmirsPoutine · 21/07/2017 15:40

I do wonder why this wasn't mentionined in the op though? And rather drip fed into the thread later on? Seems pretty important.

Well Columbo, sometimes threads develop and the OP adds information as the thread continues and as other posters ask questions.

KimmySchmidt1 · 21/07/2017 15:41

wtf did the dad expect a text from a grown woman with pnd? Imposing emotional demands on people who already have mental illness and then pretending to have been 'worried sick, i thougth you'd committed suicide, or got run over, or died of heatstroke etc etc etc snore snore snore. did he even text her to ask her if she is alright?

He has put his sensitive little needs first at a time when she has PND and doesn't need to be worrying about not upsetting him.

Your dad is a prime CNUT and should apologise, and make no further demands on her until she is better.

I have never had PND but my FIL is a twat like this who whenever someone else has a crisis finds a way to turn it round to about how he has been let down or upset by their problem - it is corrosive and juvenile and needs to be confronted and stamped out.

VladmirsPoutine · 21/07/2017 15:49

He has put his sensitive little needs first at a time when she has PND and doesn't need to be worrying about not upsetting him.

Agreed. Cancer is such a sensitive little need. If only he understood that his sensitive little needs should have taken a back seat. What a hateful man, if only he'd known to put his cancer on the back burner. How awful that he supported his daughter with childcare and a deposit.

He should know better. His death is nothing but an inconvenience for her.

VladmirsPoutine · 21/07/2017 15:53

OP, you said earlier on about your sister wanting to teach him a life lesson. If I were you I'd advise him to cut her out of his will. Then we'll see about life lessons.

BlondeGinger · 21/07/2017 15:53

If she'd broken her leg, would you be mad at her for not being able to walk around on it?
She has a legitimate illness. I'm sure she doesn't want to be acting like this but it's the illness doing it. Just because you can't see it, doesn't make it any less real.

NotYoda · 21/07/2017 15:54

Oh God, this is all so dichotomous

I knew you'd create this, OP. Happy?

diddl · 21/07/2017 15:54

But why was everyone so worried?

She was with her husband-& contactable?

"why she didn't have the decency to send a quick text. "

That's odd wording imo.

Doesn't sound concerned, more pissed off at expecting something & it didn't happen.

WizardOfToss · 21/07/2017 15:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
FUNM · 21/07/2017 17:34

@Kimmy you obviously have serious FIL issues Grin

@NotYoda why are you getting your knickers in a twist about the thread becoming 'dichotomous'. There are so many Marmite threads on MN it happens Shock

Apologies for not following MN etiquette and being guilty of 'drip feeding' Blush

Maybe expecting a text from a grown woman is a bit much, I get it, and it can feel intrusive and over-bearing and cause stress thinking you have to text ALL the time. I guess contacting family or not contacting them when one goes away depends on each individual family but most people would like to know their relatives had arrived safely somewhere.

Maybe he should raise her 'written apology' and trump her by cutting her out of the will lol She may back down and there will be a ceasefire.

OP posts:
Original poster
FUNM · 21/07/2017 17:34

Thank you for all your replies whether for or against. And the messages of support

OP posts:
Bambamrubblesmum · 21/07/2017 17:42

Sounds like the dynamics in your family are a bit skewed. There seems to be an immature vibe to how you are all interacting.

Your sister has a husband and family, she doesn't need to text to reassure your parents. She was with her husband so if anything had happened he would have let them know. The not phoning her if they were worried was a bit odd, it basically made it all about how they were feeling and how they were worried rather than acutal concern. Then at the first opportunity your dad piled in to give her an emotional blackmail kicking, which to someone with MH issues is pretty cruel.

On the other hand it sounds like she is trying to exert some power over your dad by asking for a written apology. She holds the cards and is trying to her exert authority.

You sound like the golden child and tbh it sounds like you're getting a kick out of trying to make out she's faking it. All under the guise of 'I just want to resolve the situation' to make that ring true they'd need to be a lot more empathy for your sisters situation in your posts than taking delight in listing all her faults

Sadly terminal illness can bring long standing relationship problems to the fore. Everyone expects a death bed make up but it doesn't necessarily work like that.

I think you are too biased to help resolve this situation. Leave them to it and let them sort it out.