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Original poster

Phone call gone bad...

212 replies

FUNM · 20/07/2017 23:53

Before going on holiday sister told parents she was tired and not coping with kids (has PND). Goes on holiday. No text saying she had arrived safely. Parents worrying all week. She gets back and phones up - dad is emotional and asks why she didn't have the decency to send a quick text. She takes it personally and conversation goes from bad to worse. She is now expecting a written apology from him but he doesn't think he needs to apologize. Any advice?

OP posts:
SafeToCross · 21/07/2017 08:23

Whatever you or he do, just all try to be kind to each other. She may be having her own grief reaction to his illness too, especially coming at a time when she is becoming a parent again (and this can get all tied up with thoughts about whether your parents were good enough, whether you were good enough, and whether you are a good enough parent now). She didn't maybe realise she would have worried them all week - might not think they would be expecting contact, she is not responsible for them worrying, however hard that was. He of course is under enourmous emotional pressure and bound to snap sometimes - but encourage him not to hold on to anger. All that needs to be said by anyone is I love you I care about you and I want to spend time with you.

LoniceraJaponica · 21/07/2017 08:47

I agree Honey. It doesn't achieve anything.

LIZS · 21/07/2017 08:58

It sounds like you don't have much sympathy for your sister op, maybe even resent the support she needs. Why are you so involved in a petty dispute between adults? When did it become normal to text your family when on holiday? Confused

LoniceraJaponica · 21/07/2017 09:00

It is normal in many families LIZS.

EdmundCleverClogs · 21/07/2017 09:22

LoniceraJaponica, if it's normal, why didn't they message her or her husband? I've lucky not suffered PND, but I have depression. There have been days where I've told people I needed some space and yet they somehow made it all about them. Nothing worse than trying to rearrange your own mind and having 'concerned' people making you feel guilty for disengaging for a few days.

Again though, I think illness may be irrelevant here, I wish the op would be a bit more detailed regarding what was actually said to make her sister cross. I'd be surprised if this came from nothing - especially since the op is suggesting an argument has been brewing for a while. Sounds like her sister has something she wants to get off her chest, but is perhaps holding back as her anger may be dismissed as her PBD, or she doesn't want to have a full blown barney with her dying father so is pushing him away instead.

EdmundCleverClogs · 21/07/2017 09:24

That should be PND not PBD, sorry.

VladmirsPoutine · 21/07/2017 09:25

I feel for your dad tbh. PND is horrific indeed but I don't think it gives someone the right or excuse rather to behave like she is.
I do hope it works out and I can't stand when people say stay out of it it's none of your business etc... it bloody well is. But remember this is MN - once children turn 18 they basically should go their own way and only come over for tea if they can bring a kettle, a cup and a teabag with them.

Gemini69 · 21/07/2017 09:59

I hope your Father is feeling better this morning OP.....

LoniceraJaponica · 21/07/2017 10:41

"There have been days where I've told people I needed some space and yet they somehow made it all about them."

If you have asked for space that's fair enough. Depression is horrible, and many depressed people don't ask for space as such, but push people away instead and make them. This makes them worry more about the depressed person. This has been my personal experience of it anyway.

EdmundCleverClogs · 21/07/2017 10:48

LoniceraJaponica, people with depression sometimes seem selfish in their decisions and can certainly push people away. I've been on both sides and know how difficult it is dealing with someone who is a 'dark phase'.

However, in this case, if the sister was on holiday it seems pretty clear to me that she wanted 'space'. Again, I don't understand why her family couldn't contact her/her husband if they were so concerned they became 'emotionally' the next time they actually spoke. How was that helpful for someone suffering PND, when there were other ways to resolve the matter?

Gemini69 · 21/07/2017 10:55

EdmundCleverClogs and her Father dealing with Terminal Cancer.. running out of actual TIME to live.... not a thought for him in your Post.. or does his terminal cancer not matter compared to a Mother having PND for a second or third time and WILL survive .. because she knows there is help available all around her... she just needs to engage with the help...

having PND does not give you permission to be an arse

NotYoda · 21/07/2017 10:56

Blimey

NotYoda · 21/07/2017 10:57

Mission accomplished OP

Notreallyarsed · 21/07/2017 11:03

As someone who has just lost my mum to cancer and had PND I can see both sides, I really can. The biggest thing here is time, or rather lack of it. There isn't time to piss around being angry, or petty or point scoring. Both your sister and your Dad need to realise that they are wasting time being angry, and your sister will regret wasting that time when it's too late.

Notreallyarsed · 21/07/2017 11:03

And I'm sorry but a written apology is fucking ridiculous unless she means a text/email.

Gemini69 · 21/07/2017 11:05

Notreallyarsed... I'm sorry to hear of your loss x

EdmundCleverClogs · 21/07/2017 11:10

Gemini69, sorry to be pedantic but can you please refrain from using ellipsis throughout your posts, it makes it difficult to read.

From what I did gather though, you are astoundingly ignorant on PND and the fact it can kill women.

Secondly, I have said several times that the illnesses on both sides could well be a smokescreen. What the op has left out is probably more important in understanding who was unreasonable - what her dad said that caused his daughter to demand a written apology, as well as explaining why she feels her sister is building up to an argument (which doesn't come out of nowhere, PND or not). I concur that you can have PND and separately not be a nice person, you can also be the same with terminal cancer or any other illness. It's difficult to ascertain who was being unreasonable without knowing what has been said though.

Notreallyarsed · 21/07/2017 11:15

Thank you Gemini

differentnameforthis · 21/07/2017 11:19

She should be more mature and just get over it and stop being so precious. Fucking hell. That is vile.

You aren't looking for help. You are slagging off your sister. I nearly lost my friend during her last bout of PDN, she was that poorly with it.

WellThisIsShit · 21/07/2017 11:20

Whatever you, he or she does, just all try to be kind to each other.

Pnd is a hard illness to have. But terminal cancer isn't exactly a walk in the park!

For both their sakes, they need to be kind to each other and remember that time is precious and time is running out.

I think you need to be playing the peace keeper and the emphasis needs to be on reconciliation.

Who cares who is right and who is wrong? Is that more importabt than loving each other and spending time together before there is none left?

I think you are angry and defensive because your dad is hurt and dying.

People are forgetting that you are his daughter too and must be deeply upset. Not 'enjoying' this!!!

Everyone needs to be a bit kinder, both in real life abd on this thread.

ginnystonic · 21/07/2017 11:24

She is demanding a written apology from her terminally ill DF, who was beside himself with worry about her. If she doesn't get it, she is going to withhold his grandchildren from him.

She's a controlling bitch.

Oldraver · 21/07/2017 11:25

What was she like before the PND,OP ?

IHateUncleJamie · 21/07/2017 11:31

OP Did your Dad, in a state of worry/frustration, say anything unforgivable/out of order to your sister? Do you think he has anything to apologise for?

Difficult to judge who's in the wrong without knowing what was said. 💐

differentnameforthis · 21/07/2017 11:32

They were worrying all week as she had told them she wasn't coping. Yet they failed to contact her. And it didn't occur to them that their daughter has a husband who would have probably contacted them should their be an issues.

Original poster
FUNM · 21/07/2017 11:34

At first I thought it was completely ridiculous for her to expect a written apology from him; then I said he should just write a few lines for the sake of peace; but now he has said he is definitely NOT writing anything. He says she is peed off that every time he visited she took his comments/ concerns as criticism and too personally - so this is what has been building up. Also she thinks he attacks her personality all the time and talks negatively about her life choices - yes, he can be opinionated and a bit insensitive sometimes but whose parents aren't. Even when she was well, comments were still magnified in her mind as 'immediate criticism' - he told me this and that she was pushing for some kind of fight or to have things out. Anyway, he won't apologize ... end of. I will be leaving them to sort out and not getting more involved as many of you have kindly advised/ pointed out is the best thing to do Grin

OP posts: