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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Phone call gone bad...

212 replies

FUNM · 20/07/2017 23:53

Before going on holiday sister told parents she was tired and not coping with kids (has PND). Goes on holiday. No text saying she had arrived safely. Parents worrying all week. She gets back and phones up - dad is emotional and asks why she didn't have the decency to send a quick text. She takes it personally and conversation goes from bad to worse. She is now expecting a written apology from him but he doesn't think he needs to apologize. Any advice?

OP posts:

Original poster

FUNM · 21/07/2017 11:40

How was she before the PND? User2 sums things up quite well actually

I don't think PND is an excuse for abusing others. She is expecting the parents to help with her kids but not to say anything she does not like. She is palming off the kids on all the relatives. The OP is dealing with a dad with cancer and a sister who has PND and acting like a lazy spoilt brat. No illness is pleasant but there is no illnesses that I have heard of that gives the sufferer the right to be abusive. With the sister with PND keeps this up she runs the risk of running out of babysitters and then she can have all the fun of coping with PND and a bunch of kids. And this is all over her inability to send a text saying arrived safely. She is in no position to wallow in PND she has kids to care for, not to mention a very sick dad and a mother and sister who are likely run into the ground.

OP posts:

ParanoidBeryl · 21/07/2017 11:40

I think it is very twattish to expect and ask for a written apology.

However, it might be an idea for your Dad to write to her and try to explain he loves her, cares for her, and realises she is going through a difficult time. Perhaps he might want to say that she can have all the space she needs to recuperate, and that they will both be there for her when and if she wants to contact them.

I wouldn't make any reference to the phone call or the lack of text message, nor would I include any apology.

I know your Dad is keen to see the kids, especially as he may not have much time (do you have prognosis? Sorry to hear of his diagnosis), but ultimately if she knows this is his worry, then your sister might try to use the kids as a weapon against him, so I would advise that he doesn't mention about seeing the kids.

MrMessy · 21/07/2017 11:41

What if he were to write the apology and hen she still denied him access to the grandchildren, what then?

EdmundCleverClogs · 21/07/2017 11:42

He says she is peed off that every time he visited she took his comments/ concerns as criticism and too personally - so this is what has been building up. Also she thinks he attacks her personality all the time and talks negatively about her life choices - yes, he can be opinionated and a bit insensitive sometimes but whose parents aren't.

Oh. Well that explains a lot and it does sound like this goes beyond her PND. Very likely his terminal illness is leaving her very conflicted in how to deal with his criticism and this is how she's snapped. She must be so stressed, poor woman.

Of course, your father is in an awful position as well, but I think he has to understand he's hurt his daughter. It's not ok to be 'opinionated and insensitive' to a person who already is at a very low point, as it would not be ok for her to do the same to him. Ultimately, with the information given, I think he should apologise on this occasion. I hope it's sorted out quickly, regardless.

Original poster

FUNM · 21/07/2017 11:44

and i also meant Iamthinking summed it up well:

What is your sister like (and her relationship with them) when she is not suffering with PND. Is that relatively calm? Reading between the lines, I get the impression that you might say it just an extension of her normal entitled, bullying, spoilt character. Would that be right? Was she like this before becoming ill?

OP posts:

EdmundCleverClogs · 21/07/2017 11:46

I don't see how your second post 'sums things up', just shows more astonishing amount of ignorance about PND. Awful you agreed with that post, FUNM, your sister isn't 'wallowing' in anything.

ManyManyShoes · 21/07/2017 11:47

EdmundCleverClogs Fri 21-Jul-17 11:10:57
Gemini69, sorry to be pedantic but can you please refrain from using ellipsis throughout your posts, it makes it difficult to read.

Say... whaaaatttttt....? Ellipsis police.............................

Viviennemary · 21/07/2017 11:51

She sounds a bit of a pain IMHO. She should be the one making the apology if anything. She should have contacted your parents to say she was OK.

EdmundCleverClogs · 21/07/2017 11:51

ManyManyShoes, I'm not trying to police anyone, just asking politely.

Original poster

FUNM · 21/07/2017 11:53

Ok maybe not the 'wallowing' part sorry

We were told she is experiencing a particularly difficult time at the moment, so I understand that ANY comments will be taken the wrong way by her as she is not thinking rationally at the moment - her husband's words, not mine. She is not completely debilitated but he said she is highly unreasonable and any slightly negative comment, even by him, is taken the wrong way and an argument ensues.
What I would also like to know, from those of you who have experienced PND, would she be able to get on a flight being in this traumatic state? Surely her GP would have advised her to stay at home and get local support, not to go abroad? So confusing

OP posts:

Original poster

FUNM · 21/07/2017 11:59

It is a minor comment that has escalated and got out of hand. I told my dad to write something along the lines people have suggested 'we love you and are concerned and will be here for you; we understand you are going through a difficult period etc' but he is adamant he has nothing to apologize for and is getting angrier about the situation as time goes on. At first he laughed when he found out she wanted a written apology and said he can take anything from her on the chin. But it seems the more he thinks about it, the more insulted he feels that she has taken this stance especially after he helped her with so many hours of babysitting, even when he didn't feel well. He feels she is throwing his help back in his face.
Maybe things will calm down and everything will be ok in the end

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HoneyIshrunktheBiscuit · 21/07/2017 11:59

Is your dad quite critical of her though? If someone said to me "you could have had the decency to text" I would instantly be on the defensive reagardless of PND.

Also this thread reminds me why mental health services are so shocking in this country.

jenm87 · 21/07/2017 12:02

i would stay out of it, to be fair they both sound as bad as each other. i personally get in touch with someone when i arrive on holiday and when i arrive home but we have always been a close family. i dont understand why she would do that to the kids? its not just going to hurt your parents but the kids will be hurt too. your sister needs to realise that your dad wont be here forever with his cancer which im sorry to hear about. i would worry about family too if they hadnt been in contact but would send a message saying let me know you are ok and how the weather is or something like that

SunnySkiesSleepsintheMorning · 21/07/2017 12:04

Look, you clearly don't believe your sister has PND and you don't appear to like her very much.

There sounds like a lot more going on between her and your dad than meets the eye. As with most posts, there are three sides; her side, his side and the truth.

littlemissangrypants · 21/07/2017 12:06

Op your father should not have to deal with this right now. He should be making memories and enjoying what time he has left. If your sister and him wont be able to make up I suggest that your dad leaves a letter for her and her children to read after his death. A nice , loving letter to be clear.
When your sister is thinking more normally and is recovered from pnd your dad may already be gone and she could have a very bad time with not having made peace with him. The letter may well help her to get some kind of peace and closure.
Try not to let this argument get in the way of your dad having some good times. He and your mother will need a lot of support with facing the future and planning the next steps.Hope you enjoy your dad while you can and that you all find some peace.

breadedbrielarson · 21/07/2017 12:17

Look if you don't like her why do you care? Butt out.

breadedbrielarson · 21/07/2017 12:18

And please do some reading up about PND cos you clearly don't have a fucking clue.

NotYoda · 21/07/2017 12:20

You are not in a position to be any kind of arbiter here. You are 100% convinced in your father's 'rightness' and her 'wrongness'. You have and probably always have had a different relationship with your father than she has, therefore you are not objective.

The fact that you appear to know every one of you father's critical thoughts about your sister isn't healthy family dynamics, IMO

The best you can do is to keep out of it.

Gemini69 · 21/07/2017 12:21

Eh.................................................... Nope x

EdmundCleverClogs · 21/07/2017 12:23

Look, you clearly don't believe your sister has PND and you don't appear to like her very much.

Couldn't agree more. Op, why don't you at least be truthful in how you feel about your sister. Your obvious disbelief of her mental health is not painting you in a good light and makes it difficult to actually know if she's this awful person you're portraying, or (as I'm starting to suspect) she's the black sheep of the family. I'm guessing she's always been described as 'difficult' by your parents? Gone off the rails at some point perhaps, or went no-contact with the family for a while?

NotYoda · 21/07/2017 12:23

I agree Edmund

Original poster

FUNM · 21/07/2017 12:35

I am not doubting she has PND, she has been officially diagnosed twice - I am saying lately she has been using it as an excuse to avoid being with family or as a convenient way to distance herself. As a family we feel she looks down on us and is embarrassed by us a family/ social functions and so PND is now her 'excuse' not to have so much contact. She has always been a social climber and looks/ creating the 'right image' are important to her. She invited both parents to my nephew's birthday. Then when my mother couldn't attend and it was only my dad, who was really looking forward to it, she told him NOT to come, which really hurt him. The party was with some new friends she was trying to impress and she didn't want him saying anything embarrassing to them. She is more interested in creating this 'perfect image' than spending time with family members who love her and want the best for her and her health.

OP posts:

breadedbrielarson · 21/07/2017 12:36

Ugh I'm taking everything you say about her with a pinch of salt tbh.

EdmundCleverClogs · 21/07/2017 12:41

People don't use depression as an excuse. It's not a damn switch you can turn on and off at a 'convenience'! If you wanted 'the best for her health' you wouldn't be so critical of her. You would also understand those with mental health issues often focus on an area of their life they can 'control', even if it seems odd or damaging to those around them. Do you not know anything about MH?

Original poster

FUNM · 21/07/2017 12:44

She is not a black sheep, nor is she an awful person but she has been awful in not visiting a dying father and not allowing regular access to his grandchildren. Yes, she has been unwell, but she could have visited easily, even for a quick coffee, also when she was easily going to other social events or appointments - her illness didn't hold her back for those, but it did when it came to visiting her father. That is what I mean by saying she is using it as a convenience, to suit her.

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