Phone call gone bad...

[FUNM]

Before going on holiday sister told parents she was tired and not coping with kids (has PND). Goes on holiday. No text saying she had arrived safely. Parents worrying all week. She gets back and phones up - dad is emotional and asks why she didn't have the decency to send a quick text. She takes it personally and conversation goes from bad to worse. She is now expecting a written apology from him but he doesn't think he needs to apologize. Any advice?

She thinks he assassinates her character all the time and wants him to apologize for that.

I'm with your Father tbh.... why the hell should he apologise for being worried about his PND afflicted daughter ???

AND your Father has bloody CANCER.. ?! omg this poor man ..

sending hugs OP

She said she needed space. So they give her space and then complain?

Parents have helped out so much with babysitting, staying longer so she could sleep. One time she said, "You aren't going and leaving me with HER!!??" - talking about her OWN DAUGHTER. The real issue is that she is not coping with being a mother, she is dishing out the responsibility to others - grandparents, relatives, childcare, babysitters etc as much as she can to avoid spending time with her children.

Yes

I'm afraid I disagree with the majority here.
Your father is also ill so neither of them has the monopoly on being an arse. PND does not trump every other illnesses, it is awful but so are many others.

It does depend on what was said in this phone call as to whether an apology is due but your sister was thoughtless. I'd be inclined to tell them both to give their heads a wobble quite honestly

Your sister is ill and not in a position with a new baby to offer emotional support. She needs space to recuperate, then normal service can be resumed. He is being a dick by not trying to understand her illness. If he continues to poke her with a metaphorical stick, I guarantee you she will recoil further into herself.

I don't think the poor man is a dick! I can't believe people would say that. She should contact him.

@Gemini Totally agree with you. Thanks. yes, SHE told them how she wasn't coping so instinctively they worried a whole week based on that info - and in the end unnecessarily. So of course he was going to be a tad upset on the call.

Xposted with you there - that's awful re. the cancer diagnosis and no visit :(

Has she seen the GP for treatment for the PND? Or do you think she is just using it as an excuse?

Sorry this has happened in your family at such a time - this needs to be sorted but I don't think your father writing an apology is the way to deal with it. Although he could send her an apology by text...

She has a supportive DH and 2 kid under 5 so she is not a new mum.

If you've never had pnd, you won't understand it.

I'll tell you what it's like.

It's like 100 voices screaming in your head:

Feed the baby
You're feeding the baby too much
Go on holiday
How could you go on holiday while your father is ill?
The child is cold
The child is too hot
Baby needs to sleep
You need to keep baby up longer
Come out for a meal with us
Why wont you come with us
We'll give you a break from the baby
Give up breastfeeding
why don't you take baby out
it's too cold to bring baby out
it's too hot to bring baby out
baby hasn't enough clothes on
baby is too hot
when is christening
who are you inviting to christening
is that a dirty nappy on the floor?
have you showered today?
have you gotten out today?
Have you eaten today?
You upset your father telling him you had pnd
Why didn't you contact us?
You don't need space
You need to be here for your father
You should try to sleep

It's just an endless stream of madness said to you going around and around in your head, all of which is contradictory, so much so that you don't know which fucking end of you is up, you can't sleep, eat, think, function, wash, walk, leave the house, breathe.

Don't trivialise it. PND is traumatic.

This is her 2nd bout of PND and she has been treated both times. However, I feel she is using it as a convenient excuse to distance herself from our parents. Her DH told us not to contact her during this particularly difficult period she is having at the moment, as seeing them makes her feel worse. So, they have given her space. Then we find out they are expecting him to write an apology to her. So which is it? To contact or not contact? Dad is not a mind-reader.
The first holiday was beginning of June; now they are abroad again - no text this time lol

its Mumsnet... we all know what PND feels like.... or know someone who does ...........

My daughters, now in their 30s, have always texted or emailed me to say they have arrived safely if they are going on long journeys and I do the same to them, along with updates about the holiday a couple of times. I thought that was what interested, loving, close families always did!

So at the moment it is a bit of a stalemate situation. It is unfair them using the kids as weapons and expecting a dying grandparent to 'learn a life lesson', when all he wants to do is spend precious time with his grandkids.

let her DH/ GP/ Health Visitor help her... and you focus on your Fathers terminal illness x

Time is a precious gift... use it x

I don't think PND is an excuse for abusing others. She is expecting the parents to help with her kids but not to say anything she does not like. She is palming off the kids on all the relatives. The OP is dealing with a dad with cancer and a sister who has PND and acting like a lazy spoilt brat. No illness is pleasant but there is no illnesses that I have heard of that gives the sufferer the right to be abusive. With the sister with PND keeps this up she runs the risk of running out of babysitters and then she can have all the fun of coping with PND and a bunch of kids. And this is all over her inability to send a text saying arrived safely. She is in no position to wallow in PND she has kids to care for, not to mention a very sick dad and a mother and sister who are likely run into the ground.

And for the record, butt out of stirring shit between your parents and their daughter.

He does understand her PND and how it affects her and is worried she isn't coping with being a mum, that is why they have babysat so much to give her support and help.

If he understood her, he would apologise and back off. If he keeps antagonising her, she will not recover as quickly as she might do.

FUNM ... I wouldn't even encourage your poorly Father to be writing any such apology letter.... calm the waters and let things will settle down....

your doing well supporting them all x

@IDOHaveAName I never said I was 'stirring shit' between them .I am trying to find good advice as how to solve this awful situation.

Why are you sticking your oar in then? Stay out of it. It's nothing to do with you.