To tell you to *read* the fucking invite..

[Bitchfromhell]

Major embarrassment narrowly avoided and I'm cringing at what might have happened

Fancy wedding on Saturday, was so excited to get an invitation months ago. Have bought 2 outfits in the sales so can return the one I don't choose on the day. Booked the hairdressers for the morning, even lost a few pounds. We don't get many wedding invites these days and I love a good wedding so admittedly completely over invested

Checked the invite for timings this morning and realised we haven't actually been invited to the whole thing. Just the ceremony at 1pm and then the evening do at 7pm.

I've spent all afternoon imagining us wondering about the fancy venue looking for our seats for the breakfast, being whispered to quietly by the formidable mother of the bride that we shouldn't actually be there. God it would have been awful. These aren't the sort of folk that would laugh it off. We'd have looked like proper dickheads.

Anyway, lesson learned, always read the invitation.

I think the main distinction here seems to be the difference between people being local or travelling. If travelling rude, if local not rude.

The other problem seems to be the lack of clarity and communication about it all. A few ambiguous words in an invitation is hardly enough. An email to each guest explaining things would also be more helpful and polite as it's such a big deal and things get misunderstood. People travelling should have it explained they are welcome to ceremony but not expected as aware it is inconvenient.

Or note in the card or a phone call. I think it's not too much to expect and could avoid all these friends from feeling unimportant and insulted when I'm sure that isn't really what is meant (most of the time).

I find usually if they're getting married at a church and then moving on people so invite you to the actual ceremony itself. I've never done is I can't be bothered to make two journeys!

I think it makes no difference if you're local or not. It still says "I want you to come and see me at the church but you're not that much of a friend that I want to pay for you to enjoy a meal with us, but you can pop back in the evening if you want cos that won't cost so much."

^ agree, MsHarry

Of course in the couples mind they are saying, "We'd love you to come and celebrate in the evening with us, oh and if you like please pop along to the church in the day if you're free."
Though etiquette can be viewed as boring and traditional, I do think it's there for a reason.

If people are too tight to invite me to the wedding meal, I would rather just be invited to the ceremony I think, and skip the evening do entirely. Had a mortifying situation a few years ago where DH and I rocked up bang on time to the evening-do only invitation, and everyone else was still eating their meal/ drinking the free wine. Because we weren't allowed any of the free wine, we had to wait for the cash bar to open before we could even get a drink to drown our embarrassment. By that time some of the other evening-only guests had arrived (not distant friends, by any means -- all of us in fact pretty close friends of the groom) but there was nowhere to sit/ stand comfortably, because the floor was still set for dinner, and full of tables. So we were sort of pressed against the wall drinking our gin and tonics while the others tucked in...

The whole thing was so dispiriting and awkward that it made me assume the bride must dislike her husband's friends and was deliberately snubbing us. If they were simply
trying to save money, then it was I think a very costly way to do that, because many of us have never felt comfortable with her again. I would much rather have gone to the church and then home.

How to plan a wedding:

1. How many people do I want to invite? = X
2. How much money do I have? = Y
3. Find a venue that is large enough to accommodate X people for £Y / X people

Do not pretend you are Mrs Rich of Richville at Posh Country House Hotel if you can't afford to take all of your guests there. You are fooling nobody.

That's how people with manners plan a wedding Anne but for a lot of people it's a) book a venue big enough for the people we like enough to feed b) book a bigger evening venue to accomodate the people we don't like as much (but will still probably be tapping up to pay for our honeymoon) so that there is a good party atmosphere and we look popular.

I don't care how acceptable this shitty process becomes, it's incredibly rude. IF you want someone at your wedding, then invite them to the whole bloody thing. I just cannot understand this category a, b and c bullshit. Yes, pp, we've all been there, but some of us deal with it by not being shits and demean people you claim to like and care about in one breath then contradicting it in the next. I didn't feel obligated to invite anyone to my wedding, if we weren't close, they weren't invited. To any of it.

The service was absolutely lovely, I wept buckets. Very glad to have been able to go.
Afterwards it was pissing down and one of the rellies came back into church to say that photos would be delayed until the hotel. I know him quite well and gave him a hug and said have a lovely afternoon and see you later on (quite pointedly) He said yes, look forward to it etc and pretty much confirmed we weren't expected for the afternoon.
On the way out a small crowd had gathered under a tree and we could hear them discussing where to go for the afternoon out of the rain. So we weren't the only ones.
We ran past to our car and headed home and have sat in our dressing gowns looking at our own wedding photos whilst eating toast and drinking prosecco. It's actually been lovely and I'm looking forward to tonight.
Dh still read the invitation about 10 times when we got back because we were still so worried about getting it wrong
No phone calls summoning us this afternoon though so hopefully we have avoided any faux pas!

I'd concur with those who are saying that this sort of arrangement is ok if you're local. If I hadnt have been able to come home this afternoon it would have been an arse ache in the rain. As it is, we've loved it and hopefully the party tonight will be wild!
I just hope any future invitations are worded a bit more clearly.

Have fun

YABU - not OP, but the commenters about it being rude to invite to the ceremony and the reception, but not the breakfast.
My husband and I had a small wedding without the funds to have a sit down meal for everyone so we had a separate list for the evening. But, we invited EVERYONE to the ceremony as it is the important bit. Only imeediate family, the bridal party and the couple who introduced us were at the meal.
Our invite gave a list of nice places for a meal in the area for those who weren't at the breakfast.
Yes, read the invite, but don't get pissy if you aren't getting treated to a free meal - you don't know the financial sacrifices the couple have made to pay for what is already a ridiculously expensive event.

That sounds like a lovely afternoon OP

Before joining Mumsnet I'd never heard of anyone complain about evening only invites. It's happened at the majority of weddings I've ever been to, going back at least 20 years, so I doubt it's due to any modern extravagance.

We had a cheap wedding but we still had evening only invites as the registry office only seated 40 people.

Yes, NotDavidT, totally agree. Someone said he moaned granny couples 'these days'- it's been around for 40 years or more. In fact, maybe it was more common before these huge 'event weddings'? It was probably seen as a way to cut your cloth rather than splashing out.

Sorry 'bemoaned grabby couples', not 'he moaned granny couples'. Sigh.

NotDavidTennant - I don't think people are complaining to evening only invites - the complaint is being invited to the ceremony and the evening - so these guests are expected to get lost for several hours between ceremony and evening while the "A list" go and eat

There is nothing wrong with an evening invitation. It is wrong and quite offensive to invite to the ceremony, leave the middle out and then again to the evening. It us making guests to give up their whole day to be available but go and do something else while we eat. Have a smaller wedding or just invite to the evening. Anyone can come along to the church, you don't need to invite people, putting them to the expense of a day outfit and then possibly to change for the evening!

*expecting guests

Most people on here are talking about ceremony + evening invitations, but some are even against evening only invites. This always comes up on wedding threads.

I'm glad you had fun OP but it doesn't sound quite as nice for that poor crowd of people wondering where the hell to go to keep out of the rain. I hope they all turn up pissed as a fart and soaking wet to the evening do.

a friend did this and I couldn't believe our friends we were sitting with in the church weren't invited back to the hotel for a meal. The fathers speech mentioned friends that were only at the church (shame they couldn't have been there to hear). The night do had no food (no money issues) by mid night we were starving in a kebab shop in our best gear !

Oh yeah and remember not to turn up too early tonight as they may have overrun and the pay bar might not be open yet! I think I'd have gone out for a nice meal instead. I'd be bored hanging around until I was allowed back in.