Wedding and food allergy

[Thedefendant]

I suspect IABU, but asking anyway. Sorry it's long, didn't want to leave anything out!

DH's DB (my BIL) lives in a country the other side of the world from us (though not culturally dissimilar) and talks to DH weekly. He told us of his engagement and wedding date months ago, and as they chat every week, DH let him know we had booked time off, details of flights and that instead of staying with BIL as we usually would, we had booked local accommodation (to give the newlyweds space).

We were a bit surprised to receive a formal invitation in the post - it's not something this family usually does, and it was sent long after we had told them we were coming/flights booked etc. But even though we had told BIL, we returned the RSVP as return address was to future-SILs parents. DS (age 3) has a food allergy & coeliac disease - so tricky but not impossible to manage, which BIL knows about, but as the address was to SILs parents, we wasn't sure who would be dealing with RSvPs so I popped a note in to explain the situation asking if they could let me know if there would be any issues.

Heard nothing for a month (no mention in any of the weekly phone calls) then suddenly I get a message on a social media, signed by both saying "please bring your own food as we don't want to take the risk" . No message or mention to DH. No suggestion of even trying to accommodate DS - but expecting me to sort it all out in a foreign country. I tried to talk to DH about it, but he seems to think BIL is perfectly ok to say that and I'm making a fuss. He refuses to bring the topic up with BIL.

Hands up, I'll admit to being disappointed. DS was easily accommodated at a couple of recent weddings (in the UK) that we went to. I'll even admit to being sensitive about it - it was a struggle to get a diagnosis, and has been an uphill struggle with nursery to make sure the food issues don't exclude him from events (such as cake at birthdays) as he is starting to notice and question why he is treated differently

I know they have no obligation to accommodate us, but can't help the disappointment. Help me see it from their perspective and get over it (but please be kind!)

I get why you're disappointed by this reaction when you're going to so much effort to attend their wedding. But you don't know what the venue can offer - the double whammy of a special diet and a children's menu might be too complicated.
Given the ramifications of getting it wrong with a food allergy and CD, it's surely much preferable for them to give you a heads up to cater for him yourselves than risk them winging it? I can sympathise with you wanting your child to be treated the same as everyone else, but safety has to come first. When he's not much older he'll need to start learning to check everything he wants to eat himself - which isn't like everyone else, and isn't fair, but since when has life been fair?

On the practicalities - you'll need to cater for your son's special diet while you're over there anyway. For the severe allergy in my own family, I research the country we're going to in advance, and see what foods will be suitable and where to order them from. I can often get some non-perishable delivered to the hotel ready for arrival, so snacks immediately available. And then I have lists of where to get hold of other items, translations of how to ask for the special diet when making restaurant bookings, etc...

Oh and just to add, if this was my sisters wedding I would totally ask her if the caterers had been consulted - just to check that it wasn't easily solveable at this end. (I would probabaly offer to pay for his meal myself, directly with the caterer, as a polite way of bringing it up.)
If your DH doesn't want to raise it with BIL then fair enough - by not at the expense of either your son going hungry or you getting all the work. Make it clear that the research into where to source food for your son, and how to transport it to the wedding, needs to be shared, and he needs to contribute to it too.

Make it clear to DH that he needs to organise the food if he does not see it as a big deal and "making a fuss"

I think its a scares aahh what of we get it wrong reaction rather than an ah don't give a toss reaction xx

I'm finding it hard to answer without knowing which country the wedding is in.

In the developing world, there isnt a common understanding of dietary requirements, so I would understand their reluctance to risk your son's health on a venue that doesn't understand autoimmune issues.

But if you're going to Australia or New Zealand, then the venue would be used to catering for dietary requirements, it might just cost a little more.

Finally- if DS is three- I doubt he'll want to eat much at a wedding anyway. We catered for children that age at our wedding, and of course they were too busy running around having fun to sit down and eat. They nibbled bread rolls but their meals went untouched.

I don't think this will be an Occassion whether your son feels left out.

I think it's ok. I'm guessing it's somewhere like Australia, NewZealand or South Africa in which case it will be easy to sort something out. It's easier for you to choose something you know your son will like and will eat. He's only three so I don't think he will care if you end up giving him his own little picnic. I get that you are sensitive about it but you need to watch not making your son sensitive to it too. Loads of people have allergies etc. I know coeliac is a a big deal but I think you and your DH could sort the food this time.

You can take food with you abroad but it has to remain in baggage I think. Thats how I've always done it. I took a turkey to Lanzarote once for Christmas. Don't worry about it to much I understand how you feel and I also understand where the sil's parents are coming from. Best to be as safe as possible for your ds.

What is the food allergy in addition to coeliac dz?
What is the country?
Without this info it's difficult to say but likely your relatives are acting on advice from catered rather than being difficult?

Horrid- most countries it's fine but you can't take most foods into Australia or New Zealand, they have really strict quarantine laws.

With no explanation this sounds like a complete cop out. Thing is now I know how serious being celiac can be, if I had a small child coming to my wedding with such a health condition I'd probably find a gluten free caterer for the entire wedding. But I'm mid 40's and experienced with my own health issues. It sounds as if they are scared and probably a lot younger and less experienced than me so I'd take the request at face value. I do think it is really shit that they can't talk about it in a phone call and pretty silly that your dh doesn't want to make a fuss . Although I do think doing it in writing is sensible as they have ensured it is in black and white for you both to see, process and remember to there can be no misunderstanding.

Maybe they are on a budget?

I think they either don't want to get it wrong and risk your child being ill or it'll cost more. Depending on the country, the understanding of your child's illness may not be as great as it would be in some other countries. If it's the cost, it's pretty shitty of your BIL who is well aware of this but I suspect maybe it's SIL's parents or SIL's who really has the issue with the expense if that's where the RSVPs went. Who sent the message (but signed it off as both)?

At my wedding in the UK, I catered for gluten free (due illness), vegan and vegetarians. That being said, the vegan and gluten free guests usually turn up at my home with their own food not expecting anyone to understand their dietary requirements/choices so come prepared in case. Although I think if this is about money it's crappy, it'll probably be something that will start cropping up over the years as your DS gets older, especially as not everyone takes it seriously.

Perhaps insist your DH enquires about this and if he refuses, as PP said, leave it to him to sort out the food in another country.

OP I can totally see why this would both annoy and upset you. It would me. However, I agree with MommaGee "I think its a scares aahh what of we get it wrong reaction rather than an ah don't give a toss reaction." And for that reason I would go easy on them and take the responsibility. I can totally see why your dh should be taking the responsibility as it is his brother's wedding. However, if you normally organise your ds's food I'd do so for the wedding.

I;d explain it to him as special food for him because he is young and, yes, he has dietary needs, and you want to make sure he has lovely yummy things to eat. You must know his favourite foods and I'd make sure that he has plenty of them, brought from home if you can or ordered as Somerville suggests.

I once tried to order gluten free for a colleague in a Thai restaurant, I said you know what I mean 'Gluten free', he said 'Yes, no nuts!'

I can well imagine the bride/groom doesn't want to worry about this on 'her'/'his' big day. So although it is a bit sad they cannot manage this, I would cut them some slack. If you are allowed to take a cake with you, I would make a small wedding cake from whatever suitable ingredients and take it for your son and you and his dad to share a slice at the wedding. But check whether this is allowed, airlines can be funny about food.

Enjoy the big day.

I think YABabitU ... Yes it is disappointing that they are just dumping the work back on you, but they may not want to take the risk especially with such a young child. An older child/adult with an allergy is more likely to be extra vigilant about eating strange foods in other countries but a three year old isn't going to be so careful, so the host is putting the responsibility onto you as the child's parents to be the ones in control of his food and controlling his allergy.

I think in this case the specifics are important as to how unreasonable the request is. If it was a case of you were going somewhere in mainland Europe, your child has a mild strawberry allergy and coeliac disease then I think it would be totally manageable to find something in a childrens' menu to suit him and the caterers should be more than capable of finding something for him to eat without risking a reaction ... if you're going to Asia and your child has a severe peanut allergy and coeliac disease then finding something on the menu to suit might not be so easy and the risks may be much more severe if there is any contamination.

Also, depending on the country, they may not have understandings of the limitations of various food allergies or they may not be very common so they don't want to take the responsibility for dealing with such a young child's health and wellbeing, which is annoying for you as you will then have to source safe foods once you've arrived but is better than dealing with a sick child when you're halfway across the world. I have just come back from working in Spain and in some places even the "vegetarian" options still sometimes contain fish/ham so there's no way I'd trust some restaurants with any kind of food allergy unless it was very mild and the symptoms were more "discomfort" than life threatening.

SilverBirchTree I remember watching the Australian customs at their airport on the tele. I forgot about that.

I think it depends on where it is, whether they're using caterers etc. It might be the caterers have said they can't/won't take the risk.

I have coeliac disease and I live in the US and I've loved all over the US and Canada, all of the places I've lived in and visited celiac disease (to use US spelling) is very widely known about and catered for, even in some of the real bumfuck nowhere places I've lived.

I agree with PPs in that this might be more of a 'scared to get it wrong' reaction rather than a 'CBF/too cheap' reaction. I'm guessing they asked the caterer and were told that everything is prepared in the one kitchen & they can't guarantee that there won't be traces of gluten.

What is your son's other allergy? Gluten free is fairly common in the west, but is the other one harder to cater for?

Oh yeah but if it is the US/Canada there is a real paranoia about getting it wrong, and even a lot of gluten free food brands have a disclaimer saying they can't guarantee anything, even though they're fine.

One other thing, if it is the US/Canada and you need pointing in the direction of where you can get food/meals/snacks to take, I'm happy to help if I can

Well, if it's Australia, you won't be able to take anything into the country, but they'll have food suitable for your son.

I agree that if your DH refuses to ask his brother about it, tell him to deal with it.

YANBU it's odd that they've never mentioned it on the phone but then sent a written message. I can only deduce they feel awkward about the whole situation and embarrassed but still- if it were my I would say during one of the regular calls: "Sorry the caterers are being a nightmare and have said hey can't guarantee the food will be suitable- can you bring something with you on the day and we will have it plated up and brought out with the rest? Xx will help you sort it?"

To be honest though even that I would find a stretch. You're traveling halfway around the world and have asked them to accommodate a diagnosed intolerance. It's really not acceptable from them. I wouldn't bring it up though as anything to do with weddings causes lifelong feuds!

I think you are being massively over sensitive to be honest.

Not many people are dieticians and the epic range of food allergies are so new that people do find it easier to make space for people to bring their own. There is a campaign in Ireland at the moment that equates food allergies with death so its not unreasonable to take a step well the fuck back from that and ask that you know whats best for your child, you deal with it.

DP and I had vegetarians and vegans catered for at our wedding (vegan was delighted with her options) but that was known at the time of the venue booking. DP is from a meat driven culture so we knew we had to have a range of options available. But we were doing it not any parents.

I don't think you are unreasonable at all to be sad about this. There were plenty of opportunity for your BIL to talk to your dh about any issues associated with your ds's diet so to just announce on FB that effectively they couldn't be bothered to either cater for your ds or to help you do so is really quite shitty.

I'm guessing from their perspective it's one too many thing to organise, and they haven't thought through how difficult it might be for you to try and manage (will you have anywhere you can prepare food for example). I didn't think coeliacs had to avoid any trace of gluten? I live in Canada and have seen gluten free items on restaurant menus pretty frequently. They aren't made in a different kitchen, just involve rice instead of wheat products and other substitutions. I agree the allergy might be more tricky depending on what it is.

But scottish if you had close family fly across the world to be there for you would you really say they'd have to sort it out themselves without making any effort at all? This is an issue that they've known about for months and just needs a few conversations about what meal options would be OK and then for the caterer to provide one of them.

Instead the OP is going to have to buy and prepare food in a foreign country with no local knowledge and little time. It would make me feel anxious and unwelcome and I might even think twice about whether to go at all.