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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding and food allergy

167 replies

Thedefendant · 20/07/2017 00:23

I suspect IABU, but asking anyway. Sorry it's long, didn't want to leave anything out!

DH's DB (my BIL) lives in a country the other side of the world from us (though not culturally dissimilar) and talks to DH weekly. He told us of his engagement and wedding date months ago, and as they chat every week, DH let him know we had booked time off, details of flights and that instead of staying with BIL as we usually would, we had booked local accommodation (to give the newlyweds space).

We were a bit surprised to receive a formal invitation in the post - it's not something this family usually does, and it was sent long after we had told them we were coming/flights booked etc. But even though we had told BIL, we returned the RSVP as return address was to future-SILs parents. DS (age 3) has a food allergy & coeliac disease - so tricky but not impossible to manage, which BIL knows about, but as the address was to SILs parents, we wasn't sure who would be dealing with RSvPs so I popped a note in to explain the situation asking if they could let me know if there would be any issues.

Heard nothing for a month (no mention in any of the weekly phone calls) then suddenly I get a message on a social media, signed by both saying "please bring your own food as we don't want to take the risk" Shock . No message or mention to DH. No suggestion of even trying to accommodate DS - but expecting me to sort it all out in a foreign country. I tried to talk to DH about it, but he seems to think BIL is perfectly ok to say that and I'm making a fuss. He refuses to bring the topic up with BIL.

Hands up, I'll admit to being disappointed. DS was easily accommodated at a couple of recent weddings (in the UK) that we went to. I'll even admit to being sensitive about it - it was a struggle to get a diagnosis, and has been an uphill struggle with nursery to make sure the food issues don't exclude him from events (such as cake at birthdays) as he is starting to notice and question why he is treated differently Sad

I know they have no obligation to accommodate us, but can't help the disappointment. Help me see it from their perspective and get over it (but please be kind!)

OP posts:
38cody · 20/07/2017 02:03

It's a big deal because they don't want to get it wrong - you know what he likes and can have, stop making a drama and make him a little safe pack lunch - its NOT about you, just feed your child and stop being such a drama queen. YABVU

Mummyoflittledragon · 20/07/2017 02:06

Spam reported.

Mummyoflittledragon · 20/07/2017 02:08

Yeh right Cody what a big I am you are. You could say this if for example they op and family weren't going half way around the world for the wedding. Hmm

Italiangreyhound · 20/07/2017 02:09

The wedding is one day, the rest of the time the OP or her DH will need to source suitable food for their child so in a way making sure they have something to take on the day is not any more than one more day and making sure the food chosen is reasonably easy for you two.

melj1213 · 20/07/2017 02:10

This is an issue that they've known about for months and just needs a few conversations about what meal options would be OK and then for the caterer to provide one of them.

nooka not necessarily. It depends on the allergy though, the specifics are important when it comes to working out what is feasable and what is going to be impossible to accommodate.

Some allergies will be easily accommodated and others not so much, it's not always as simple as "chat about food options and the caterer needs to sort it out". If you have a severe peanut allergy and you're going to be at a wedding in Thailand, for example, then the risk of cross contamination wrt peanunts/peanut oil in a kitchen serving traditional Thai food is going to be very high and I wouldn't blame the caterers for not wanting to take that risk, especially when it involves a 3 year old child.

Italiangreyhound · 20/07/2017 02:12

My friend is coelliac and cannot eat the supermarket 'free from' food. So she has always catered for herself, it is easier and safer for her.

Cocklodger · 20/07/2017 02:22

You can bring dried foods into Australia not sure on NZ though, so long as you declare it customs will check it and all will be well. dont bring any fresh food though, but even if you bring in something that isn't allowed so long as you declared it appropriately you won't get into trouble.
I've had difficulties finding caterers and restaraunts here that cater to my DDs intolerance (she isn't a coeliac though) so perhaps it turns out the caterers can't provide a seperate place/counter to make your DSs meal meaning it would be contaminated.
As long as they aren't getting married in rural Australia 250km away from any shops you'll be fine. There are shops here too! Smile this is irrelevant if Australia isn't where you're going though...

MaitlandGirl · 20/07/2017 02:32

If you post on the living overseas page with the food allergy and country I'm sure people will be able to let you know what's available there. That way your DH can go shopping :)

CoughLaughFart · 20/07/2017 02:36

You admit yourself that you are very sensitive to this issue. There's nothing wrong with that - it's natural when it's your own child. But try to remember that your son is just one of many wedding guests; that this event has probably taken a huge amount of organisation. If the in-laws don't know much about the allergies, they have probably thought it's best not to take any risks with your son's health.

If this wedding is thousands of miles away, presumably you're not going for the day? What are you going to feed your son on for the rest of the trip?

MrsOverTheRoad · 20/07/2017 02:48

It's not hard to find a packed lunch affair in a foreign country....I assume it's Oz or Canada as you say the culture's like ours. They have all our brands or a version of..the ingredients are on the packs...you won't find it hard. He's 3 so won't need a four course meal!

Bloomed · 20/07/2017 03:20

It's possibly the caterers or venue who have said they can't guarantee allergen free. This has happened to me a few times abroad where restaurants have just said 'sorry we can't serve you'.

SomewhatIdiosyncratic · 20/07/2017 03:46

DS had 3 allergies/ intolerances when he was a toddler. We went to a wedding where the caterers went to great effort to accommodate the dietary needs of him and a few other guests. They brought breadsticks for his starter. A separate portion of dry boiled potatoes so that there wasn't butter all over them. A jelly for dessert so no dairy again... Except I wasn't warned that the vegetables to share were slathered in butter, and didn't realise until I went to give him seconds and saw the butter at the bottom of the dish. I don't butter veg at home, so it's not a habit I'm accustomed to checking, and the lack of warning and other adaptions they had made lulled me into a false sense of security. I don't know if it was an oversight or if it didn't occur to them that a toddler might actually love vegetables and need an appropriate portion.

That night he woke up screaming with abdominal cramps and he has a very unpleasantly upset digestive system for at least the next week. Fortunately not too serious, but boy were we grateful for the washing machine in our apartment when we went on holiday a few days later.

They haven't handled this diplomatically, particularly with the effort of going to s foreign, far flung destination where you're at the disadvantage of not knowing local brands. (I still remember the irritation of someone wafting a packet at me saying "is this OK?" as though I psychicly knew the answer when the answer was labelled in their hands) It may be passing the buck or the responsibility on caterers may be different to what we're used to.

scottishdiem · 20/07/2017 10:47

" I don't know if it was an oversight or if it didn't occur to them that a toddler might actually love vegetables and need an appropriate portion."

I think this is the issue. They had arranged special items, served separately. Everyone else gets the same, shared, prepared as normal food. Special eaters then get hands on shared food and then get ill.

I dont know its an oversight or if it didnt occur to special eaters (or the parents) that shared food is not going to be special food and should therefore ask for more than the other veg that had been prepared especially for them.

This mistake is why its best for special food eaters to prepare their own.

HicDraconis · 20/07/2017 10:54

You can bring some food into NZ but it's highly restricted. However once in the country the gluten free options are extensive and other allergens are well labelled.

Most motels have a fully equipped kitchen and some hotels have apartment style rooms with cooking facilities as well.

We manage a gluten, grain, dairy, nut, soy and sugar free diet without any trouble.

Sunshinegirls · 20/07/2017 11:00

TBH if I was in your shoes I would have probably sent a note explaining DC allergies etc and if it would be acceptable to cater for him myself. I'd find it more relaxing knowing there was no risks.

HicDraconis · 20/07/2017 11:06

Sorry, hit send by accident.

In terms of whether YABU - depends on what you're upset about. If it's the lack of warning until now and then informed via SM messaging - I think you are being a little unreasonable. They may not have had their menu tasting / planning session until recently and not had the chance to discuss it.

However in terms of being asked to bring your own food - depends on the location of the wedding, but if it's NZ then YANBU at all. I'm in rural nz and everywhere I eat they can cater for gluten, dairy, nut, egg allergies. (The only issue I had was eating satay by accident - ironically from the hospital canteen who assured me it didn't have peanuts in - luckily ED and the adrenaline were very close!). Restaurants all seem to have allergen information and are always happy to accommodate dietary preferences. Other foods will be prepped in the same areas so it may be that they can't guarantee no traces or cross contamination.

Your son is going to have to know that he's different and know why it's important that he's different though, to stop him sharing food with friends that may contain gluten. So I think YABU for wanting him not to feel different, but YANBU for wanting him not to be excluded because of the difference.

Tofutti · 20/07/2017 11:09

Except I wasn't warned that the vegetables to share were slathered in butter, and didn't realise until I went to give him seconds and saw the butter at the bottom of the dish. I don't butter veg at home, so it's not a habit I'm accustomed to checking, and the lack of warning and other adaptions they had made lulled me into a false sense of security. I don't know if it was an oversight or if it didn't occur to them that a toddler might actually love vegetables and need an appropriate portion.

I don't think it was their oversight, tbh. They provided you with food for your DC.

toosexyforyahshirt · 20/07/2017 11:10

I don't think people can say if they don't know what the allergies are and what country it is.

I've had to deal with similar and wouldn't leave it up to people who are not knowledgeable or comfortable with dealing with it.

Allthewaves · 20/07/2017 11:17

Have you contacted the accomdation your staying in to see if they are catering for ds diet? If u have ask them to make ds a kids pack lunch for the wedding

londonrach · 20/07/2017 11:31

I understood why..its the mixture of childs meal, allergy and coeliac disease. How much would a 3 year old anyway due to excitment. Bring own food for him and enjoy the wedding. Dont think about it again

peachgreen · 20/07/2017 11:36

I don't think YABU at all. We had two guests on extremely restricted diets (FODMAP and PKU) as well as the usual allergies / dietary restrictions (dairy, gluten, nuts) and some more unusual ones (tomatoes, vinegar, ground pepper). We managed to accommodate everyone. I didn't even consider not doing so! I think it's incredibly rude not to.

sodablackcurrant · 20/07/2017 11:42

We are talking about a 3 yr old child here, not an adult who is being forced to bring his/her own four course meal!

I'd be happier bringing a lunchbox of his favourite goodies and let him enjoy away. You won't have to stress about him and you will enjoy the day far more I think.

Please forget about it, and just cater for the child, and enjoy the day. It really isn't a big deal IMV.

BarbaraofSeville · 20/07/2017 11:43

Is it a catered party? What is his allergy? I don't see why they can't give him some plain chicken and veg or salad with fruit for pudding? (assuming he's not allergic to any of those?)

eyebrowsonfleek · 20/07/2017 11:48

I would be disappointed too. I like the idea of having your h sort out food on that day as it's not a big deal. 😡 Have they even asked the caterers? I'm surprised that they can't adapt the menu and make a plainer meal like chicken breast, veggies and plain potatoes.

Girty999 · 20/07/2017 11:49

To someone with no knowledge of allergies they can be terrifying, I work in the food industry and know all the various things and it still bothers me when we have someone with allergies as it can be life or death in some situations. I think it's ok, it's not the jungle you will find something for him and it will be something he likes, imagine they sort something and he doesn't like it, you'd be stuck then xx