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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding and food allergy

167 replies

Thedefendant · 20/07/2017 00:23

I suspect IABU, but asking anyway. Sorry it's long, didn't want to leave anything out!

DH's DB (my BIL) lives in a country the other side of the world from us (though not culturally dissimilar) and talks to DH weekly. He told us of his engagement and wedding date months ago, and as they chat every week, DH let him know we had booked time off, details of flights and that instead of staying with BIL as we usually would, we had booked local accommodation (to give the newlyweds space).

We were a bit surprised to receive a formal invitation in the post - it's not something this family usually does, and it was sent long after we had told them we were coming/flights booked etc. But even though we had told BIL, we returned the RSVP as return address was to future-SILs parents. DS (age 3) has a food allergy & coeliac disease - so tricky but not impossible to manage, which BIL knows about, but as the address was to SILs parents, we wasn't sure who would be dealing with RSvPs so I popped a note in to explain the situation asking if they could let me know if there would be any issues.

Heard nothing for a month (no mention in any of the weekly phone calls) then suddenly I get a message on a social media, signed by both saying "please bring your own food as we don't want to take the risk" Shock . No message or mention to DH. No suggestion of even trying to accommodate DS - but expecting me to sort it all out in a foreign country. I tried to talk to DH about it, but he seems to think BIL is perfectly ok to say that and I'm making a fuss. He refuses to bring the topic up with BIL.

Hands up, I'll admit to being disappointed. DS was easily accommodated at a couple of recent weddings (in the UK) that we went to. I'll even admit to being sensitive about it - it was a struggle to get a diagnosis, and has been an uphill struggle with nursery to make sure the food issues don't exclude him from events (such as cake at birthdays) as he is starting to notice and question why he is treated differently Sad

I know they have no obligation to accommodate us, but can't help the disappointment. Help me see it from their perspective and get over it (but please be kind!)

OP posts:
CookieSue222 · 20/07/2017 17:09

Errr? should we not wait for OP to tell us which 'other side of the world' we are concerned with? If it's Australia/New Zealand they are very conscious of special diets, and I am sure will accommodate without question (as veteran of travel to 'other side of world' I am well qualified to comment on this - if venue says 'no', then also antipodean supermarkets can also be helpful. It's not just witchetty grubs and kangaroo b*lls you know).

SafeToCross · 20/07/2017 18:07

I had been chatting a lot to a little girls mum once, about her food allergies and needs, so when I invited her to a party I said I would cater for her, and did so. The Mum was happy, and checked I was sure. However, I later realised I had put that Mum completely at my mercy, and what if I messed up and made her little girl ill? I think I did OK, but how was she to know I was reliable, how would your host know the venue would be. I know its hard not to be catered for, and for sure the hosts could help you out here (could DH send them a shopping list or offer to ring the venue himself), but I do get it.

MarmaladeAtkinsX · 20/07/2017 18:16

Surely this is perfect for a MN rescue?

OP let us know where it is and someone must be in the same country and can advise or help prepare a special meal...

(Or maybe I've been watching too many Disney films already this summer break)

Booboobooboo84 · 20/07/2017 18:24

It's a ball ache but easily resolved. Leave it to your DH. He says it's not an issue so just delegate sorting it that day to him.

On a side note coeliac and a food allergy may just have overwhelmed the hosts. If you get the menu to preorder and it's something your child can have then just let them know. It may be that they are more worried about getting it wrong.

Picklemuncher · 20/07/2017 18:26

YABU - You are making a big deal out of nothing. If my kid had celiac and allergies I wouldn't put his health in the hands of other people.

Some restaurants are now saying that they cannot guarantee anything is peanut free, etc, because it is easier than getting sued for a mistake. And, as most of the population has not got a severe food allergy they can do so without losing money. So, as big a deal it is to you, it isn't to everyone else.

Hulder · 20/07/2017 18:35

If it is 'culturally similar' is it really that hard? My caterer was completely unphased by my request for 6 kids meals, 2 halal, 2 nut allergy and just got on with it. It was a normal day's work for them.

trixymalixy · 20/07/2017 18:38

My DS has multiple severe food allergies and I think you are being a bit over sensitive. Your reaction to the wedding invitation gives me the impression you tend to over react.

Some places we go bend over backwards to help us get something suitable for him to eat, others refuse to serve us as they don't want to take the risk. If that happens we go somewhere they can feed him or give him the food that we always carry for him just in case.

Yes it's nice when people make an effort, but I can understand why they're not keen on taking the risk.

kittybiscuits · 20/07/2017 18:42

It's pretty rude and unhelpful. Obviously you have gone to considerable lengths and expense to attend the wedding.

GivePeasAGo · 20/07/2017 20:06

I think you are being a bit sensitive about asking you both to bring your ds own food. I don't think, assuming that you don't purely communicate through fb, that ywbu to receive a fb rather than a call. Just seems a bit off considering ds is their nephew.

RhiWrites · 20/07/2017 20:32

At 3 they mostly seem to nibble anyway don't they?

But I agree with those saying since yourDH doesn't see the issue he should pack the food. I'm thinking maybe rice cakes and carrot sticks but he's better placed to prepare a packed lunch for his child.

I don't think it's rude. It's hard to guess what a toddler with dietary issues might actually enjoy.

sodablackcurrant · 20/07/2017 20:49

This is becoming tedious. We are talking about a little child of 3. They can often throw food around if they don't like it and so on. Such is a toddler.

Get DH to pack a bag of his non allergenic food for him. Wouldn't you both be happier to ensure your 3 yr old will NOT suffer any consequences if you feed him yourself? I would, if allergies etc. were such an issue. You are not in control of a kitchen/caterers on a full on day like a wedding.

They will try, sure but honestly all this for a 3 yr old? No wonder they said no.

We are not talking about an adult having to pack a four course for themselves here are we?

Precious little 3 yr old snowflakes.

What a palaver over nothing.

Chocochocolate · 20/07/2017 20:57

Okay I know I haven't read the full thread, so I may have missed something, but as someone who also has coeliac disease I'd be really annoyed at this. It's pretty crap of them. Coeliac isn't that hard for goodness sake!!!

Sorry OP. I guess your DH doesn't want to upset his DB so I get that.

As I haven't read the full thread this may have been suggested loads already. Perhaps you can pack a picnic of delicious, favourite stuff and big it up to your DS and tell him that everyone will be impressed by his amazing food and they'll probably wish they could have some too or something...

I think they should have made this effort though. You're their guests at their wedding. You should be treated better.

sodablackcurrant · 20/07/2017 21:18

My mother said there was no such thing as allergies in her day. I agree with her.

Are allergies, apart from coeliac and peanut actually real anymore, or are they attention seeking nonsense.

I await the nuclear fallout.

Medeci · 20/07/2017 21:28

YABU - You are making a big deal out of nothing. If my kid had celiac and allergies I wouldn't put his health in the hands of other people.
Agree with this. I'm celiac and have had bad gluten reactions when I've trusted other people to prepare food for me.
It's not as simple as looking at ingredients lists, unless it specifically says Gluten Free (ie prepared in a protected environment that doesn't handle gluten foods) there's a risk of cross contamination.

kittybiscuits · 20/07/2017 21:30

Soda - no - the people just died. Coeliac and peanut? You need to educate yourself. You are a fool.

IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday · 20/07/2017 21:33

Soda are you on a wind up?

Either that or you must be remarkable stupid.

peachgreen · 20/07/2017 21:33

soda So my DH is just imagining it when his throat closes up if he eats raw leafy greens? My auntie is somehow faking the hives that appear all over her body if she eats fish or anything cooked in fish oil? The fits my childhood best friend had if she ate certain e-numbers were just a fad? Don't be so utterly ridiculous and ignorant.

Chocochocolate · 20/07/2017 21:33

Oh soda. I'm sure there weren't. But people just got very sick or died instead.

OP- looks like I'm in the minority in thinking YANBU!

WhatHaveIFound · 20/07/2017 21:34

soda - My mother had best friend die in her day. Allergies were around, they just weren't widely publicised.

sodablackcurrant · 20/07/2017 21:37

@kittibiscuits.

I did say that peanut allergies and coeliac were up there.

What is your point. Do other allergies kill people? I didn't know that.

Tell me all about it please I am interested to hear your point of view.

I doubt allergies kill people apart from peanut.

Thank you for calling me a fool. Why did you do that? So unnecessary really.

IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday · 20/07/2017 21:38

My dd is getting married soon.

Will phone the caterers tomorrow, on Sodas advice and tell them they can now serve shellfish, nuts and gluten to everyone, including those with severe allergies, as they are obviously making it all up. Hmm

peachgreen · 20/07/2017 21:39

I'm with you @Chocochocolate. It must get so frustrating being asked to bring your own food everywhere, missing out on meals out etc. Professional caterers can easily accommodate a gluten-free diet. Yes maybe they issue a caveat that they can't guarantee no cross-contamination but then it's up to the person (or parent) to decide whether the risk is acceptable or not. Inviting someone to fly halfway around the world to a wedding and then refusing to even attempt to cater for them is rude, whether they're 3 or 93.

IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday · 20/07/2017 21:40

I doubt allergies kill people apart from peanut.

If you believe that ^^ you are indeed a fool.

peachgreen · 20/07/2017 21:44

I doubt allergies kill people apart from peanut.

Good grief. Educate yourself. All food allergies can kill if they cause anaphylactic shock. Most common triggers include dairy, fish, shellfish, wheat and eggs, but any allergy can be severe enough. Some allergies can seem mild for years and years and then suddenly develop into severe allergies that cause anaphylaxis.

Why on earth do people post such ignorant things without taking 5 minutes to google first?!

trixymalixy · 20/07/2017 21:44

Sofa, my DS spent a night in hospital just over a week ago having had the equivalent of 2 epipens in the ambulance , steroids, antihistamines and was been woken up every hour as his blood pressure kept dropping so low. 10 hours after first ingesting milk by accident they gave him a third shot of adrenaline.

I doubt if they'd have bothered if allergies were not real, do you?! Of course it's all in DS's head Hmm.

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