Wedding and food allergy

[Thedefendant]

I suspect IABU, but asking anyway. Sorry it's long, didn't want to leave anything out!

DH's DB (my BIL) lives in a country the other side of the world from us (though not culturally dissimilar) and talks to DH weekly. He told us of his engagement and wedding date months ago, and as they chat every week, DH let him know we had booked time off, details of flights and that instead of staying with BIL as we usually would, we had booked local accommodation (to give the newlyweds space).

We were a bit surprised to receive a formal invitation in the post - it's not something this family usually does, and it was sent long after we had told them we were coming/flights booked etc. But even though we had told BIL, we returned the RSVP as return address was to future-SILs parents. DS (age 3) has a food allergy & coeliac disease - so tricky but not impossible to manage, which BIL knows about, but as the address was to SILs parents, we wasn't sure who would be dealing with RSvPs so I popped a note in to explain the situation asking if they could let me know if there would be any issues.

Heard nothing for a month (no mention in any of the weekly phone calls) then suddenly I get a message on a social media, signed by both saying "please bring your own food as we don't want to take the risk" . No message or mention to DH. No suggestion of even trying to accommodate DS - but expecting me to sort it all out in a foreign country. I tried to talk to DH about it, but he seems to think BIL is perfectly ok to say that and I'm making a fuss. He refuses to bring the topic up with BIL.

Hands up, I'll admit to being disappointed. DS was easily accommodated at a couple of recent weddings (in the UK) that we went to. I'll even admit to being sensitive about it - it was a struggle to get a diagnosis, and has been an uphill struggle with nursery to make sure the food issues don't exclude him from events (such as cake at birthdays) as he is starting to notice and question why he is treated differently

I know they have no obligation to accommodate us, but can't help the disappointment. Help me see it from their perspective and get over it (but please be kind!)

Andro -that must be dreadful. And ignorant twats, spreading nonsense, must make your life even more difficult.

@sodablackcurrant No, I don't. I think it's very rude not to cater for a very common dietary requirement. It wouldn't be unreasonable for the caterer to agree to prepare a gluten-free meal but also say that they couldn't guarantee that it would be free from cross-contamination, and given that information it wouldn't be unreasonable for OP to decide to bring her own food. But that's not what happened here. They can't even be bothered to try.

The thread wasn't 'lit upon'. You decided to either be incredibly goady or incredibly ignorant.

"Uneducated Neanderthal"

Yes, that sums you up nicely.

@sodablackcurrant And the 'issues' are that you said that allergies are made up / caused by overuse of antibacterial gel / not that serious etc etc. Incredibly insulting to anyone who lives with something that can impact their lives so severely. Stop pretending to be the injured party here.

I don't think that the message was very sensitive or caring. Could you email the hotel or caterers and ask for/suggest a couple of simple things that he could eat? Perhaps they aren't very understanding of allergies (bit like Soda!!) and are shying away out of ignorance?

The anger here is unreal. What the actual F are your ishoos? Issues in case you think I am an uneducated neanderthal.

My issues?

A mother who would endanger me, including lying to me.
Over 25 years of my allergy being dismissed as nonsense because it's not a 'normal' one.
Too many occasions why I've ended up desperately ill because people think my reaction is psychosomatic so have hidden cheese in things to 'prove I'll be fine'
The overwhelming frustration over the last few years where cheese is turning up in everything.

peachgreen,

The OP if you recall, failed to tell us what other allergies besides coeliac her child had.

Our responses obviously related to coeliac which is medically diagnosed and very severe to sufferers of same.

In the absence of clarity the thread naturally moved onwards and upwards.

That is why I said a pack up of the 3 yr olds favourite things was best. We were not in a position to talk about anything else, which could have been anything including peanut.

sodablackcurrant keep eating those peanuts. You never know when those allergies will develop. And as you don't believe in them ...

What I would like to know is where all these allergies came from.

Allergy research is still trying to answer this, as well as the difference in allergy rates in different countries.

One theory, as PPs have pointed out, is that they have always existed but in previous generations children just died in an unexplained manner. Ditto the developing world vs developed world.

Another theory is that intestinal parasites mildly suppress the immune system, preventing immune over-reactions (which is basically what an allergy is).

Another theory is that antibiotic usage in pregnancy and early childhood can sometimes interfere with immune development and if it coincides with the introduction of certain new proteins (peanut, soy, whatever) that can trigger an allergy.

There are also various other theories: - viral triggers for immune problems like allergies (as for autoimmune diseases); - reduced immune system "priming" due to exposure to fewer germs; - allergies may be an evolved responses to proteins that are legitimately dangerous but the allergen protein is just a very similar shape so the system gets confused. etc.

No one really knows, basically. Which is very frustrating for allergy sufferers and their families.

Intransige

It is a mystery alright. I have every sympathy with genuine sufferers.

Some are not and attention seek. OMG I cannot eat this and that with no real proof that they have any allergies at all.

A lot of it is pushed by gluten free marketing and the MSM.

Coeliac is medically diagnosed, fine. Others are allergic responses and one has to avoid them.

And of course you will. But songs and dances around it are not good for anyone. It's a yawn now.

You have every sympathy for sufferers of allergies you've said don't exist?
Bugger off,

Such anger at me telling the truth.

I said Genuine Sufferers not attention seeking numpties. Well it is fashionable to be allergic to anything and everything nowadays and have everyone dancing around you.

Oh well.

stop lying, you troll!

What you said was "My mother said there was no such thing as allergies in her day. I agree with her"

You also said that only coeliac and peanut allergies existed, and all others were attention seeking.

So stop trying to backpedal now that you realise what a fucking stupid thing you said.

@sodablackcurrant The truth? Do we really need to go back and copy & paste the various untruths you've posted on this thread?

You're back-pedalling massively and it's not working.

too sexy

I agreed with mother that there were no allergies in HER day.

Today is different. Everone seems to have some allergy or other. apart from coeliac and peanut which are acknowledged as being dangerous.

Why is that. Do you know?

peachgreen,

Go ahead and do what makes you happy. Copy and paste, whatever.

The real truth is that certain "allergies" are attention seeking people with issues.

The people with real and life threatening allergies have it all worked out and do not make a fuss. Can you say otherwise?

Intransiage has already addressed that question.

And for the record, lots of the people I know with allergies ARE of the previous generation. Both my uncle (over 80) and aunt (over 70) have allergies that cause anaphylaxis.

Your mother was as wrong as you were.

Saying there were no allergies is the same as saying there was no MS, no Parkinson's, no mental illness, no blood cancer etc etc. Dozens of conditions that existed for hundreds of years before we discovered and diagnosed them. Whether there has been a rise in allergies is a different question. But they've always existed.

@sodablackcurrant Expecting your common dietary requirement to be catered for at a meal you've been invited to is not "making a fuss". I catered for 12 separate allergies / dietary requirements at my wedding. All very real, all from guests who politely informed me of the requirement beforehand (if I didn't know already).

Anyway, back to base.

The wedding guests should bring their own food for 3 yr old in a pack up box just in case he might die or god forbid the caterers would be sued. It is the only way to save him.

We still do not know what other allergies besides coeliac the child has don't forget.

I wouldn't worry too much about a 3 yr old kid who might or might not eat what the hotel kitchen went to long lengths to cook for him and all his requirements. If the truth be known, kids that age might throw it against the wall or at another guest instead of eating it.

But I suspect this child would never do that.

I'm anaphalatic to shellfish (and yes soda, I carry my epipen everywhere ) and in Australia. Restaurants and caterers are very conscious of allergies here and mostly go to wonderful lengths to ensure I can eat a meal from their kitchens. However I have been refused service at one restaurant, as they felt very concerned about cross-contamination - every cooking pan in their kitchen had cooked shellfish at some point or another. I was actually extremely grateful for their honesty, not insulted.

If you are coming to Australia, it may just be that the caterer can't ensure there are no traces and the message has got lost in translation to you. Ask if you can speak to them directly - I had a near-miss at a UK wedding, where the caterer didn't understand the severity of my allergy (lost in translation I assume?) and had cooked prawns on the barbecue before all other proteins. They managed to cook me a steak on a clean pan, but with allergies, you can never assume food will be safe.

GwendolynMary,

Nice post.

You seem to have nailed it for yourself and your safety.

I'm really surprised that so many people have essentially said 'it's a small child, who cares if there is nothing they can eat, it's not like they are an important adult is it?'. On Mumsnet, a site for parents.

This child is going to be the brides nephew, and his father is the groom's brother. Surely most people care about their close families? Especially when they are traveling half way around the world to be there. Even if the allergy+coeliac combo is a difficult one it was a shitty uncaring message delivered in a crappy way, and the OP's dh has been equally crap in his response. If I was the OP I would be very hurt and thinking twice about whether I really wanted to take my three year old on likely a very long flight and then have all the worry about feeding him safely in an unfamiliar place with quite clearly no help.

Funny how you pop up on all the front page threads sodablackcurrant to share some outrageous "plain speaking" advice just to get PPs riled up. Fascinated by the catholicism of your interests and your folksy wit.

Soda blackcurrant

Do you have examples of people who you believe are using their allergies for attention? You must have some experiences to make such a sweeping statement.

Also, it's my understsnding that allergies can develop. Maybe a person trying to deal with a new allergy may not 'have it all worked out' as someone who has lived with the allergy longer. Saying they are 'making a fuss' comes across rather insensitive.

I also fail to see why a sufferer should provide you with 'proof' before you accept it. Are you expecting a doctors note, the ability to produce an epi pen on demand or the allergic reaction before you are satisfied?