Wedding and food allergy

[Thedefendant]

I suspect IABU, but asking anyway. Sorry it's long, didn't want to leave anything out!

DH's DB (my BIL) lives in a country the other side of the world from us (though not culturally dissimilar) and talks to DH weekly. He told us of his engagement and wedding date months ago, and as they chat every week, DH let him know we had booked time off, details of flights and that instead of staying with BIL as we usually would, we had booked local accommodation (to give the newlyweds space).

We were a bit surprised to receive a formal invitation in the post - it's not something this family usually does, and it was sent long after we had told them we were coming/flights booked etc. But even though we had told BIL, we returned the RSVP as return address was to future-SILs parents. DS (age 3) has a food allergy & coeliac disease - so tricky but not impossible to manage, which BIL knows about, but as the address was to SILs parents, we wasn't sure who would be dealing with RSvPs so I popped a note in to explain the situation asking if they could let me know if there would be any issues.

Heard nothing for a month (no mention in any of the weekly phone calls) then suddenly I get a message on a social media, signed by both saying "please bring your own food as we don't want to take the risk" . No message or mention to DH. No suggestion of even trying to accommodate DS - but expecting me to sort it all out in a foreign country. I tried to talk to DH about it, but he seems to think BIL is perfectly ok to say that and I'm making a fuss. He refuses to bring the topic up with BIL.

Hands up, I'll admit to being disappointed. DS was easily accommodated at a couple of recent weddings (in the UK) that we went to. I'll even admit to being sensitive about it - it was a struggle to get a diagnosis, and has been an uphill struggle with nursery to make sure the food issues don't exclude him from events (such as cake at birthdays) as he is starting to notice and question why he is treated differently

I know they have no obligation to accommodate us, but can't help the disappointment. Help me see it from their perspective and get over it (but please be kind!)

I have never had an allergy flagged without the child bringing their own food or the parent offering to bring the food. Under about 7 or 8 the parent always stays too with the epi pen and to police the whole no touching shared food rule (even if the shared food is fine). When the clubs my kids go to have food the kids with allergies have to bring their own. The parents see this as normal.

The reason I am saying this is that this is what is normal to keep kids safe. Almost all parties and at clubs they need to bring their own food and be policed rigorously on shared food. You need to accept this or the primary years are going to be distressing for you.

FWIW adults I've hosted for too have always offered to bring food too, usually I say no but often they will offer to bring x or y they already have a stock to avoid me buying a packet of something I won't use the rest of.

I understand why you feel annoyed but actually if the caterers have said they cant do it or cant be sure of contamination i think its the best thing to do. My aunty has coeliac and she has been gluttoned lots of times when eating out by places that say yes its fine we van do it and she eats their and is ill later on. She would much rather they just said they couldnt do it in the beginning.

I'm really surprised that so many people have essentially said 'it's a small child, who cares if there is nothing they can eat, it's not like they are an important adult is it?'. On Mumsnet, a site for parents.

I think it's less 'he's not important because he's 3' and more 'because he's 3 there is every chance he'll refuse to eat a specially prepared meal (or just throw the food that's been prepared at considerable effort on the ground), and he also eats little enough that sourcing and bringing with you enough food for the day is relatively easy'. Asking someone to bring a meal for a toddler and asking an adult to bring their own four course meal just doesn't seem the same to me! But then I'm just one of those annoying childless women who hangs around the site, so what would I know?

I see the thread moved on a bit - on the way home from nightshift so haven't read all messages but a few points of clarification.

We have been to weddings before where they have been able to cater for him - one, they put us in contact with the caterer directly. The other they had arranged it themselves. Both times were versions of the adult meal (meat, veg, potatoes). Both times he enjoyed and ate most of it. This was in the UK, but yes it can be done.

The " other side of the world" is actually only north america (feels far away given the 9+ hours flight, which I'm dreading).

The allergy is dairy - it's classed as 'severe' but not life threatening.

Yes I expect issues at primary school, parties. But we will be at home, know the shops we can go to and I can cook in my own kitchen if need be! I'm fine with that.
Budget? I don't know if this is an issue, frpm the little I do I know I doubt it (BIL and SIL professionals, own their own home etc) but would it really break the bank to provide a meal for their nephew whom the invited?

I suppose what is most upsetting is as nooka said - this is their only nephew, we are making a huge effort (at a very inconvenient time for us) to be there, and it comes across as they can't be arsed - not even up for discussion, no attempt to accommodate. It's not impossible to arrange food, but it's not convenient either. As an invited guest, his brothers child (not exactly a stranger), is he not worth the effort.

I appreciate all views, even the gf ones as it helps me keep an open mind about it all rather than stewing on it and making it a bigger issue than it is. I'm hurt, but I'll get over it. Thanks all - I'm off to bed!

Sodablackcurrant I'm an adult and was diagnosed as a child with severe food allergies (more years ago than I want to admit to). My epipen is indeed always with me and before that a Tupperware box with the glass phials, needles, syringes and steroid tablets. I hate people knowing about my allergies because of judgemental comments.

OP if I were you I'd pack or buy suitable food for your DS. You really don't want to risk anaphylaxis or gluten poisoning. Enjoy the wedding.

Dairy-free and gluten-free. Perfectly straight-forward and common allergies and very easy to accommodate with a variation on the standard meal. It's absolutely ridiculous to not cater for them, especially as nephew is fairly unlikely to be the only person in attendance with those allergies and it certainly won't be the first time the caterers have ever encountered them.

OP I don't blame you for being cross at all. It's rude and thoughtless. But I agree you shouldn't stew on it and I hope you all have a lovely time at the wedding regardless.

If you're talking the USA then it's surprising that the caterers can't accommodate it. Our experience in the US has always been it's brilliant for allergies as it's the perfect combination of a customer service culture and a litigation culture.

Feeling hurt if they haven't even tried to accommodate your child is understandable but that's something to work through separately I'd suggest. I do agree to an extent with posters that 3 year olds can be hit and miss for food in terms of what they will eat on any given day so there is a chance that even if they had made the effort to get a special meal it would have gone largely untouched. Personally though I'd still have made the effort for an invited wedding guest, especially a close family member travelling a long way.

Another thing at play here is it sounds like you're having a hard time with the current stage of having an allergic child. That's totally understandable and lots of us have been there - I second those saying come over to the allergy boards for support on that.

When you say about DS starting to notice and question why he's being treated differently it's easy to feel sad but it's actually a very very good thing. Children with coeliacs and serious allergies have to learn as part of growing up that they are different when it comes to food - it's a lesson that they need to learn all the way through childhood. They need to understand that they can't always eat what everyone else does, and the reality is that day to day they will always have to check and sometimes miss out - we don't live in a perfect world where safe foods are always available as an alternative. It hurts as a parent when they cry about not being able to have a cake at a party but believe me it pays dividends when they get to the top end of primary school and start getting more freedom. I once took DS aged 4 home early from a party (and he had a full on tantrum about it all the way home in the car) as he'd got over-excited and grabbed at the birthday cake along with every other child there - we had a firm rule about not ever eating anything without checking first with us at that age. He broke the rule and so I had to follow through with a serious consequence - I hated sweeping him out of the party for the last half an hour and he hated it even more but it worked, he didn't do it again. It's hard dealing with allergies and it isn't always fair but letting DS learn that will do him a lot of favours in the long run (even though it sucks that your family seemingly can't be bothered in this case).

If the wedding is in Canada or the States then providing a non dairy non gluten meal is really not hard. The sort of request that caterers will have on a regular basis. Sure they will do it with caveats because of the litigation side of things, but providing a plain version of a meat and potatoes type meal is really not very hard, and small children generally like plain food so it doesn't need to be anything very special even. I've never been at a work event (in either country) that didn't ask for dietary needs on the paperwork or provide several separate, labelled plates for those with particular needs.

The normal approach would be to put you in touch with the caterers if there was a concern. And sure a child might not eat their special meal, but that's just as true for an adult, and it's highly unlikely that there aren't adults attending who have made dietary requests. Vegan coeliacs aren't that unusual for example.

I'm quite sure they could have accommodated your ds's diet, or if it truly is an issue, they could certainly have provided a better explanation as to why not. Their hosting leaves a lot to be desired. Very poor form when guests are travelling a great distance at huge inconvenience to attend their special day. Yanbu.

I live in the US. To provide a gluten free dairy free meal at a wedding would not be that unusual in my experience.

Might just be a miscommunication though. Some 3 year olds eat hardly anything and they just might not be aware that you wouldn't prefer to bring your own food anyway. All they have to do is ask a parent of one toddler with food allergies who says omg of course I wouldn't trust anyone to cater and always bring my own food, and it's assumed everyone feels like that.

I think it sounds like they didn't want to risk any mistakes rather than they couldn't be bothered.

I quickly found that when visiting family/friends or restaurants if I were to say can you provide a wheatfree/dairyfree/eggfree/coconut free/cashew free/meal they froze and panicked so now I just say he really loves plain jacket potato with baked beans or another simple meal that it would be hard to contaminate.

Otherwise I take stuff with me. For the gluten free, Schär have a really good website where you can put in a location and they show on a map all the shops nearby where you can buy their products. We've just moved abroad and it's been really useful.

My child is 3 and knows he has to have different food. We've never made a big thing of it and he knows that we will always find him something he can eat (and hopefully likes!) and knows to check whether something is ok for him to eat.

Good luck with the wedding.

Given the litigious culture in the US I'm not surprised they may have caterers who won't guarantee there's no cross-contamination for example in a wedding situation which often involves temporary kitchens and temporary extra staff.

I'd be happy in the US to put together a packed lunch for my ds from shops. In fact I wouldn't go to a wedding without a snack pack for a 3yr old in my bag anyway.

OP - sounds as if you are going to have to cater for your DC however hurt you feel. Phoning to clarify matters/be put in touch with caterers would probably just compound the situation especially if the caterers are really not up to dealing with allergies/frightened of being sued/wedding couple can't be arsed. Presumably if you know where you are going to be staying you can pre-order suitable food from the sites pps have suggested so you can get DC a smashing meal and pack it with something special. I don't know if at 3 my DCs would have made an adult meal anyway unless a lunch ... they would have been asleep under the table.

If the caterers are not up to 'dealing with' an allergy, they are not professional caterers. I'd be highly surprised if this was their decision. I suspect bride and groom didn't even bother to ask.

To be honest I would just bring a packed lunch. Yes it is annoying but in the US with the cost of healthcare etc. I just wouldn't risk it. I prefer to bring my own so that I know it is gluten free. All too often people think 'no bread, pastry or cakes' when actually gluten and cross contamination can be in many different things. I know that for many people 'just a little bit' is ok, but I can't take that risk. It is awkward but then so would having to seek medical attention be awkward. They could have rung you to discuss it though.