Wedding and food allergy

[Thedefendant]

I suspect IABU, but asking anyway. Sorry it's long, didn't want to leave anything out!

DH's DB (my BIL) lives in a country the other side of the world from us (though not culturally dissimilar) and talks to DH weekly. He told us of his engagement and wedding date months ago, and as they chat every week, DH let him know we had booked time off, details of flights and that instead of staying with BIL as we usually would, we had booked local accommodation (to give the newlyweds space).

We were a bit surprised to receive a formal invitation in the post - it's not something this family usually does, and it was sent long after we had told them we were coming/flights booked etc. But even though we had told BIL, we returned the RSVP as return address was to future-SILs parents. DS (age 3) has a food allergy & coeliac disease - so tricky but not impossible to manage, which BIL knows about, but as the address was to SILs parents, we wasn't sure who would be dealing with RSvPs so I popped a note in to explain the situation asking if they could let me know if there would be any issues.

Heard nothing for a month (no mention in any of the weekly phone calls) then suddenly I get a message on a social media, signed by both saying "please bring your own food as we don't want to take the risk" . No message or mention to DH. No suggestion of even trying to accommodate DS - but expecting me to sort it all out in a foreign country. I tried to talk to DH about it, but he seems to think BIL is perfectly ok to say that and I'm making a fuss. He refuses to bring the topic up with BIL.

Hands up, I'll admit to being disappointed. DS was easily accommodated at a couple of recent weddings (in the UK) that we went to. I'll even admit to being sensitive about it - it was a struggle to get a diagnosis, and has been an uphill struggle with nursery to make sure the food issues don't exclude him from events (such as cake at birthdays) as he is starting to notice and question why he is treated differently

I know they have no obligation to accommodate us, but can't help the disappointment. Help me see it from their perspective and get over it (but please be kind!)

Have they even asked the caterers?

Probably. It's normally a blanket 'no' and the B & G wouldn't have any option but to cancel which is probably not feasible at this stage.

If the caterer says yes it's not a matter of simply doing a suitable meal. They would become completely responsible for making sure there was no reaction and no contamination (e.g. from other food, dishes, packaging). If anything went wrong they would be financially ruined. It's just not worth the risk and most won't do it and I don't blame them.

And on this occasion I don't think it's practical for SIL and BIL to be toting round a packed lunch.

It's the fact that they did this via a social media message that I'd feel a bit slighted by, but maybe I'm just getting old. Why not just pick up the phone and have a conversation about it?

Maybe I'm a horrible person but I would absolutely do what they've done. I would (and in fact did) go to considerable trouble and extra expense to ensure an adult guest had a suitable meal, but the thing is with a three year old there's every chance you do that and then they don't eat it anyway. I can completely see the logic that it's easier for the parents to bring something that they know is safe and which they know the toddler will eat. I would definitely ask for the caterers to keep hold of it and bring it out, though, so that you don't have to carry his food round with you all day.

And completely agree about allergies being scary for people who aren't used to it. I have a friend with a very severe food allergy (traces might kill him) and to be honest cooking for him terrifies me. I've done it a few times but I always get so concerned about whether everything is clean enough and checking every ingredient four times that it is quite a stressful experience. No one wants to inadvertently make someone else very ill.

They have a million other things to think about and organise (wedding planning myself atm), I'm sure you could take a packed lunch with you, and more likely, they probably don't want to inadvertently make your DS ill.

The note was signed by B/Sil but who was it sent from? The brides parents might be dealing with the catering so that's why nothing has been mentioned.

When I got married the hotel managed to deal with two coeliacs and a peanut allergy and the lady who made my cake made some gluten free cupcakes so I don't understand why it's a big deal for the caterer.

Just take your own
It wouldn't occur to me to fuss over this, I agree with your dh.

I don't understand why it's a big deal for the caterer.

Because we don't know the specifics and so we don't know how feasible it is for the caterers to prevent cross contamination. It would be one thing if the caterers were refusing to cater for adult guests but it's one 3 year old child, it's not practical or fair to insist the entire menu revolves around them (especially if the allergen is one that is hard to exclude 100%) especially when they may not eat their meal anyway.

For example, if the child is visiting Thailand and has a mild allergy to strawberries and coeliacs then it would be fairly easy to prevent contamination and find plain foods the child can eat without any allergens in them ... if that child has a severe peanut allergy and coeliacs then contamination issues are much greater (all it would take is having the child's food cut on the same board that had had some peanut oil on it previously, for example), the risk is much higher and the caterer may not be able to guarantee that the child's food is allergen free.

I understand you are sensitive and it's difficult for you, but I think if it was my child I'd be more comfortable taking something I know he can eat and will enjoy than taking a chance. Yes, it's inconvenient, but the thought of leaving something so important to a caterer and it going wrong would worry me more.
You must have to deal with his diet daily.
Option B would be to see if you can speak to the caterers yourself.

I don't know if it was an oversight

It was your oversight! You fed him food that was for everyone else, not his specially prepared food!

YABU.
You will have to deal with your childs dietary restrictions the rest of the time you are there. Having to source your own out there will be fine, you know what your child likes.
Perhaps they did enquire and the options offered didn't look appetising for a 3 year old.
Perhaps the caterers made unenthusiastic noises and they thought they didn't have the confidence they could get it right.

Sorry, but I think YABU. It's most likely that the caterers can't/won't provide a suitable meal.

I think it's incredibly rude not to

Except it may be beyond the control of the bride and groom, if it's the caterers have said no

The invite thing YABU. It's the proper protocol and basic manners if the brides family are hosting the event.

The food thing - meh. Just sort something out when you get there.

You sound a teeny bit drama llama.

Except it may be beyond the control of the bride and groom, if it's the caterers have said no

I plan events for a living. I've NEVER had a caterer that refused to accommodate a dietary requirement. It would be more than my job was worth to refuse to cater for a guest with dietary needs, and I don't see why a wedding should be any different tbh. Especially when guests are travelling halfway across the world!

Plus this is BIL's nephew - he knew about his dietary requirements, he should have asked when he was first hiring the caterers.

I've NEVER had a caterer that refused to accommodate a dietary requirement.

Then you have been very lucky. I doubt the caterer has just gone "Food allergy? Nah, not my problem, mate" but is more a case of "We can't guarantee the allergen won't be present in any meal we provide because of the cross contamination concern in the kitchen and the allergen concerned, so we can't take responsibility for this child's dietary needs."

If a child is somewhere like South East Asia and they have a severe peanut allergy then there is always going to be a risk of cross contamination. Even if the venue scrub their kitchen to within an inch of it's life, there's always going to be an underlying risk of cross contamination unless they ban anything with peanuts in it ... and since a lot of SEA cooking involves either peanuts or peanut oil then that will mean a lot of foods would be ruled out purely for the sake of a 3 year old who probably wouldn't even be eating them anyway, but their mere presence in the kitchen where the child's plain chicken & noodles was being made was enough to risk their health.

@melj1213 But then surely the message to OP isn't 'we can't cater for your child, being your own food' but 'we've asked the caterers to prepare something for DS without gluten and they will, but can't guarantee there won't be any cross contamination, so if you'd prefer to bring your own food we understand.'

I take your point re: other cultures where a particular ingredient is very prevalent but hasn't OP already confirmed that it's a Western country e.g. Oz, NZ? (Forgive me if I've misread.)

I've NEVER had a caterer that refused to accommodate a dietary requirement

Whilst I'm not a caterer, I do make wedding cakes for a living. I will make cakes with gluten free flours, cakes without nuts etc, but I ALWAYS stress that all cakes may contain traces of gluten, dairy, nut etc. Because no matter how careful I am, I keep those things in my kitchen , do there is always a risk of cross contamination, however small that risk

Our wedding caterer does not have any issues with special meals. Our main menu needs to have no peppers and no soya (due to serious allergy). We also have a child coming who is no wheat, no dairy, no eggs and they are taking that in their stride just fine. We also have vegetarians and guests who don't eat fish. None of this has been a problem.
That being said, it's someone's wedding and I wouldn't kick up a fuss...

@budgiegirl I think that's completely fair enough and is what I would expect if I was dealing with a smaller catering firm (absolutely no offence intended there, I just mean that if it was a massive firm or in-house at a big venue I'd expect them to be able to guarantee no cross-contamination). But even then, that's an easier message to pass on to OP, like I said below.

A friend of mine makes wedding cakes for a living and works harder and longer hours than ANYONE I know! It looks so much fun when it's all installed and looking beautiful but I admire her (and your!) tenacity!

peachgreen the OP says in their post that they just received a message saying "please bring your own food as we don't want to take the risk" ... which I think is just a very informal way of saying "We've spoken to the caterers and they can't accept the risk with his allergy/coeliacs and so it would be better if you brought your own food for DS" and it prevents any arguing because the more you explain the reasoning why you can't do something, the more people have to argue why it should be possible.

There's people arguing that the caterers should be held responsible etc but if the future SIL's family are the ones dealing with the catering then they shouldn't be having to justify everything to their future son in law's family because they don't want to change the catering arrangements and/or the caterers can't accommodate an allergen for one 3 year old child that their caterers have indicated they don't feel comfortable being responsible for (and as the OP hasn't specified further, we don't know if it is an allergy that would be difficult or easy to accommodate in another country's cuisine)

Also the OP only made their original post in which they say the country in question is the other side of the world from us (though not culturally dissimilar) so we can only assume that it's somewhere like Oz/NZ but that doesn't necessarily mean it's a Western country either. And even if it is a Western country that doesn't mean that an allergen can be accommodated any better, I am just using the SEA example because it's an easy example of how hard it can be to totally eliminate an allergen even if they want to.

Dd is getting married in 2 weeks. The caterers have provided special food BUT like others have said they have said they cannot 100% guarantee the food is nut free.

We have 2 severe nut allergies and the parents have actually offered to bring their own food fir their children. I would do this if it were my child. I would not trust a caterer if my child had a severe allergy. It just isn't worth it imo.

Re the Inviation OP YABVU. Why you're complaint about a formal invitation I have no idea. It's so stressful planning and organising a wedding. Thinking of all of your guests and their needs. There seems to be so many moaning guest threads on MN.
Unless you are happily going to the wedding, just bloody well stay away!!

@mel I guess it's a matter of opinion ultimately but I think not even making an effort to accommodate an allergy for a wedding guest is rude. If my caterers hadn't been able to do it, I would have done something myself, regardless of the guest's age. It's not that difficult - not doing so just shows a lack of effort and care.

I think not even making an effort to accommodate an allergy for a wedding guest is rude

I would agree under "normal" circumstances, but this is a wedding on the other side of the world and we don't know the severity/type of allergy the child has, which is the most important fact as to whether it is an unreasonable request or not.

There's a difference between "not making an effort" and "knowing that there is no way they can ensure the child's food is allergen free and the caterer not wanting to risk the health of a child (especially half the world away from home)" and we don't know if the SIL's family just haven't bothered or if they have discussed it with the caterers and have come to the decision that it isn't safe and have just been bad at communicating that with the OP.

I don't think your bil is being particularly unreasonable and I have a child with a severe allergy. In fact, in your shoes, I might prefer his suggestion.

All the potential near misses we have had have been in South Africa where the risks of nut allergy weren't fully understood by some involved in catering..

This is a difficult one. I personally believe that anyone with a food allergy should be accomadated however it can sometimes be hard. With regards to gluten free options due to risk of cross contamination it may be that the venue does not want to run the risk of your child becoming ill. It is not usual for people who are gluten free to be asked to bring some part of their meal (the sauce etc). At my wedding we could accomadate our gluten free guest - but if they had told me it was not possible i would not have changed my venue (which would mean my entire wedding) to suit one person's allergy