To say that step daughter can walk to our house

[youmayfoldunderquestioning]

I'm being brave posting here, but I just thought sod it.

I am married to DH. He cannot drive. I have a DS who is 12 (soon to be 13) and a DSD who is 14, almost 15. DS and DSD go to the same school.

DSD lives with her mum, which is almost a mile from our house (0.9 miles to be precise).

DSD stays with us two nights a week, Wednesday and Saturday. Because she is a teenager she doesn't really want to come on a Wednesday but her mum stays at her boyfriend's on a Wednesday night so DSD stays with us.

DSD will not communicate what time she is coming to our house, whether this is on a Saturday or a Wednesday. On a Saturday she just texts when she is ready to be collected. I have to do the collecting because she doesn't like walking and if I said I wasn't picking her up then it is likely that she would not come at all. On a Wednesday her mum drops her off with us and collects her at 7am so that she can get ready for school.

DSD has recently decided that she wants to go home earlier on a Sunday (usually in the morning) but will not give us a time. So, for example last week her dad was asking her what her plans were for that day. She just did not respond and kept shrugging her shoulders. I eventually said to her that we just needed to know so that we could plan what we were doing for the rest of the day. We weren't trying to get rid of her because she could have come with us to where we were going but we knew that she wanted to go home. She just wouldn't give us a time. This happens every weekend.

Yesterday morning DH text DSD to see if she was coming tonight. She did not respond until 7pm to ask if I could pick her up on my way home from work. I had plans to work late tonight as we are short staffed. I asked DH why she couldn't just walk to our house after school but apparently I can just pick her up on my way home, no matter what time this is.

My DS walks everywhere and I almost never drive him anywhere, unless it is chucking it down and it's dark outside. Last Friday morning (DSD stayed on Thursday night as well as Wednesday and her mum could not pick her up on Friday morning) DS left home at 7.40 to walk to school with his female friend who is in the same year as DSD. DSD stayed with me and I had to drop her at home before I went to work.

I get on very well with DSD and I have no problem with her staying whenever she wants, even if this were full time. She's great fun and I like her a lot. I just want her to be more independent and I want DH to stop enabling her not to walk anywhere.

AIBU to be getting fed up with being used as a taxi?

Do you do any evening activities together? Film night or night walks?

I feel sorry for your son. He sees princess getting a lift everywhere but he walks.

More than likely you get a later response because she wants too see what her options are first. Tell DH taxi service is over.

Tell your DH to walk to her house to collect her and they can walk back, same with going home, he can walk her. I bet her attitude would change soon then.

Also, don't ask her what time she is coming, or going home, tell her you need to agree set times and she needs to stick to them.

So if you are going out on a Sunday and want to leave at 10am, tell her that this is what is happening and she is either walked home at 9.30 or she comes with you or if she doesn't want to go she stays at home on her own until you come back so her DF can walk her home or she starts walking by herself. And stick to it.

Does she ever have friends over for a sleep over and too much popcorn?

I think OP, the one you are being unfair to is your good self. FWIW, I think it sounds like you have a good relationship with your step daughter.
Your husband however does sound a bit of a wet lettuce.
The lass might be happier with a new set up, whatever that might be. No more two hours cajoling though; your husband needs to cop on, on that score.

Sorry, when I say 'you are being unfair to yourself', what I mean is, you deserve a lot more consideration, especially from your husband.

Haven't read whole thread but surely; fixed times are easier, tell her what's happening (e.g, we're doing x on Sunday, you can come or not but we leave at 10am) and, her dad walks her, at least one way. You are available to drive at fixed times only.

What's the big deal about him walking two miles? That's not far, it's 15 mins each way for an adult. Nice chance for them to chat together.

Someone who thinks that's a lot of walking is someone who needs to walk more, if they want to live to see their grandchildren.

There doesn't need to be any specific reason why the DSD would rather be at her mum's house than her dad's. I can't think of many people who would enjoy transitioning between two houses on a weekly basis. Dad's is home-from-home but mum's is her actual home - why should she want to be elsewhere even if she just wants to relax and do nothing?

I agree, the cajoling has to stop! Your husband should be collecting her - it's not a long walk. Or maybe he could meet her half way? - is there a nice cafe where he could wait for her and they could start the evening/weekend with some quality time together? He could also cycle. Either way, your taxi service must stop unless it's peeing down. Definitely make sure she has her key before she leaves her house (have another one cut in case the first one has been lost).
I suggest that she feels like a visitor at your house - what about encouraging her to invite a friend over?

I'm sorry, I haven't read the thread. But just get on with your life from now on and let her make her own way. Stop asking, your DH should stop quizzing her by text, it's all ridiculous. Don't plan your life around her. WTF does she go home before school to get ready? Everyone should stop the pandering. Hopefully, as you are clearly lovely and care for her, she will walk 0.9 miles to see you and the family.

Oh - and as they say on MN, it's not a DSD problem, it's an OH problem!

She hates cycling. DH has offered to buy her a new bike but she said no. He offered to take her abroad (just the two of them), the answer was no. He bought her tickets to Ed Sheeran but she only agreed to go if me and her dad come with her and her friend.

"FWIW, she sounds like a normal teenager to be honest. Mine's faffiness was unbelievable. You just have to get on with life and your own plans."
^^ This x 1000

And FWIW soooo many teenagers I know with separated parents get more lifts than is 'reasonable' for exactly the same reason as the OPs.

It's not manipulation in a bad way, but it comes down to the fact that they know if they waver about coming when they have to walk/get the bus, 9 x out of 10 their dad (usually is dad) will offer to come and pick them up.

My (15 yo!!!) dd can perfectly well get the bus to my ex-H's, it literally stops outside his door but unless I more or less woman-handle her out of the door she'll faff until she's missed it & he'll end up coming over to pick her up, or else she'll come up with some reason she might as well stay with me. (She likes him, he's nice to her, she has a s-sister who she likes to hang out with, she's just a crap teenager who can't quite be arsed And yes, she'll happily get on her bike and cycle 3 miles plus to go to a friend's house . . .)

Why does she want to stay at home? What would she be doing? If she would be catching up with her friends she can do that from your house too surely?

Why does she have to have a reason for wanting to stay at home

I'm baffled why there should be 9 pages of this thread.

Aren't all teenagers demanding rides unless they learn that no means no and realise that walking is not so bad after they accept that is their mean of transport? I went through it with DD and then with DS. They are now both over it and they now even often turn down my offer to pick them up because they do find walking relaxing!

The rule was set from the time they were in Y8 or so (walked to school and back from the age of 11): If I can and feel like taking you/picking you up, I will do, but I will not change my plans to suit.

To be fair to the DSD, she's at an age when many boys and girls don't spend much time with the adults they share a house with - spending much of their time either out or in their room. And she has this very artificial, forced, time to be spend with one parent in another house at set times.

OP, your son's way of spending time with his dad sounds much better - more relaxed, more frequent and more a sense of having two places which are his and which he feels comfortable in. There's probably less pressure as well for him to "perform" if you like - to be the visiting child.

Do you think your DSD would prefer that kind of less formal arrangement - when she can come and go throughout the week on her way back from school, at different times etc, but for a short visit each time? The key issue could be solved by having a key safe - so if she doesn't have her key it doesn't matter as long as she remembers the code and the key is in the key safe!

swingofthings - it's not the teenager which is the problem, it's the DH who insists that the OP drive the teenager about.

Seems it's more than just the driving.
She's a teenager. She needs to given a curfew. So tell her she must be in at a certain time of an evening and if she isn't there will be consequences.
Why is her mum picking her up at 7am so she can go home to get ready for school. She can get ready and go from her dads.
On the weekend it needs to be a set time she's round. If she then wants to go out with friends she goes from yours but then you know where she's going and when she will be home.
Her dad is a parent not a friend.

She sounds abjectly unhappy

She resents the fact that her mum goes out/wants some space, but it's that view which is making her unhappy? The DM has arranged for the time for dsd to see her dad, meantime the DM has her own interests and life - which is absolutely vital to her own health and well being.

Dsd dad's simpering would be enough to piss anyone off, perhaps it's that level of freakish attention that makes her feel uncomfortable? If he let her be, let her chill and stuff, perhaps she'd relax?

I agree with the info messages, so she makes sure she has her key and either comes with you, or chills at yours.

It's a bit like dating, they have to work for it, or they don't value it. She's getting everything she wants on a plate, but its not the attention she wants, its normality.

Does her mother put a lot of other pressure on her? My oh dd has a mother who grills her, manipulates her and inflicts chaos on all within her reach. The lovely little girl arrives at ours deeply stressed and wound up like a spring.

Dsd can walk, she needs to Bring her key. I also agree with the number 1 point made up thread about supporting her independence and growth

She may need support in understanding that adults teaching and encouraging her in doing things for herself is an act of love and she will understand in time.

I can't believe you would suggest that a younger child walks to pick up an older child. Seriously is it because he's a boy?

That's the impression I got from that stupid post!
A 12 year old going picking up a 14 year old just because he's the boy and she's the girl. Sorry but he's too young for that sexist crap. That would be putting responsibility on to him for his older sister, when she should be learning to be responsible for herself e.g. Walking/getting the bus from a to b instead of relying on lifts everywhere.

With proximity of everything in her life, her world sounds incredibly small. This is social anxiety issues waiting to happen.

My DH adores her and will do anything, even putting me out every time she comes, to ensure that he sees her

He's not actually doing anything though? you are the one who is doing all the 'doing'!

I would say to him and then her that you will be phasing lifts out from after the next few weeks, appropriate to her age and capability. Does she want lifts until then, or does she want to practice coming under her own steam? Every time you pick her up talk about 'no more lifts after x date'. Is there anything that would be 'more grown up' for her at your house and positive, like an extended curfew, or something?

Honestly, I think you'd be doing DSD a huge favour if you refused to taxi her about. It sounds as if she doesn't want to come and at her age she shouldn't be forced to. DH can forge a relationship with her by other means than forced visitation.

Apologies if you've answered but why can't DH learn to drive? Obvs if he has physical restrictions that's one thing. But even if it's severe anxiety if he hasn't sought treatment for it then he should. Otherwise he needs to put DSD in a taxi to and fro if she needs (and wants) transportation.

Hope your talk goes well this evening and that you stick to your guns.

It sounds as though DSD is rather hurt by her mother wanting her out of her home (and actually saying so) for set times. She must feel so rejected. That is really sad.

Rather than making a big thing and declaring no lifts, can't you just make it so she has a choice, can pick you up at 11, or come under your own steam or if you want a lift home you need to be ready by 10, otherwise you'll need to walk so that a lift has been offered, but it's not an open ended taxi service. If it doesn't suit her she can choose what she does.

It sounds as though she doesn't want to be chucked out of her own home twice a week for her mother's convenience and I don't blame her! This is probably why she doesn't seem keen to be at yours, and tries to limit her time there, also limiting her period of banishment from her home.

As she is now older, a rethink about these arrangements is needed. And somebody needs to broach this with her mother. The poor girl is trying to keep her parents happy. It really should be the other way round

If all else fails you are going to have to fake a broken ankle for a few weeks, see how they all sort it then.