To say that step daughter can walk to our house

[youmayfoldunderquestioning]

I'm being brave posting here, but I just thought sod it.

I am married to DH. He cannot drive. I have a DS who is 12 (soon to be 13) and a DSD who is 14, almost 15. DS and DSD go to the same school.

DSD lives with her mum, which is almost a mile from our house (0.9 miles to be precise).

DSD stays with us two nights a week, Wednesday and Saturday. Because she is a teenager she doesn't really want to come on a Wednesday but her mum stays at her boyfriend's on a Wednesday night so DSD stays with us.

DSD will not communicate what time she is coming to our house, whether this is on a Saturday or a Wednesday. On a Saturday she just texts when she is ready to be collected. I have to do the collecting because she doesn't like walking and if I said I wasn't picking her up then it is likely that she would not come at all. On a Wednesday her mum drops her off with us and collects her at 7am so that she can get ready for school.

DSD has recently decided that she wants to go home earlier on a Sunday (usually in the morning) but will not give us a time. So, for example last week her dad was asking her what her plans were for that day. She just did not respond and kept shrugging her shoulders. I eventually said to her that we just needed to know so that we could plan what we were doing for the rest of the day. We weren't trying to get rid of her because she could have come with us to where we were going but we knew that she wanted to go home. She just wouldn't give us a time. This happens every weekend.

Yesterday morning DH text DSD to see if she was coming tonight. She did not respond until 7pm to ask if I could pick her up on my way home from work. I had plans to work late tonight as we are short staffed. I asked DH why she couldn't just walk to our house after school but apparently I can just pick her up on my way home, no matter what time this is.

My DS walks everywhere and I almost never drive him anywhere, unless it is chucking it down and it's dark outside. Last Friday morning (DSD stayed on Thursday night as well as Wednesday and her mum could not pick her up on Friday morning) DS left home at 7.40 to walk to school with his female friend who is in the same year as DSD. DSD stayed with me and I had to drop her at home before I went to work.

I get on very well with DSD and I have no problem with her staying whenever she wants, even if this were full time. She's great fun and I like her a lot. I just want her to be more independent and I want DH to stop enabling her not to walk anywhere.

AIBU to be getting fed up with being used as a taxi?

And whilst some of this is about lifts and me not wanting to drop everything to go and pick her up, some of it is about not wanting to put any more pressure on DSD. She has enough of that in my view.

One of my dsd's never saw a friend at all on all the contact we had with her (a third of her life) from the age of 12-18. She just laid on the sofa for days on end and shrugging her shoulders whenever she was spoken to.

We barely see her now she's 21.

All the pandering achieved nothing.

karma That 's fine as long as you never want to leave the house yourself. For example if me and DH go out on Saturday morning and DSD never brings her key how is she supposed to get in, presuming that her mum brings her or she walks round. If she's being dropped off we need to know what time we need to be back so we can let her in.

In terms of her being there on a Sunday morning and trying to find out what her plans are, maybe we have plans of our own and we just want to know whether to include her or whether she wants to go home. She never brings her key so she couldn't lock up after we leave.

She does walk to school from mums, but she lives 200 yards from the entrance.

Why doesn't your dh ring dsd instead of texting??

She has a key, ring her on a Saturday morning to make plans. If she doesn't answer that then text her to say to let yourself in when your ready

He rings but she doesn't answer the phone. Hence the texts, which occasionally do get answered. She doesn't use her key. She's had it for two years and has never used it.

DH just wants to see his DD so bends over backwards to enable this,

So what does he actually do to make it happen?

Serious question, because so far it sounds as though his only contribution is to make sure you're the one doing the contortions, not him.

I suppose the hard thing for me is inadvertently becoming the reason that she doesn't come. I don't want that responsibility

I completely understand this, but from how you've described your DH's attitude he'll pprobably find a reason to blame you anyway - if it's not the driving it will soon be something else

FWIW I like your idea about having a gentle word with her on your own tonight, but what will happen if she goes whining to her father about how "unkind" you're being? Is he likely to back you up or will you get another of those "disapproving silences"?

All the PPs who've said this is a DH issue are right ... time for him to step up and think of all the family rather than just his daughter

I think as well as putting your foot down tonight (which you should defiantly do) some sort of chat about her rigid wed and Saturday overnights need to happen, I think you need to ask her exactly what she wants in terms of contact and overnights and then have a chat with the ex, exspecially if it's making her unhappy and she's not even replying to texts and calls on purpose.
I understand the mum needs a break but her mums house is her main home and she probably feels kicked out of it every week, something needs to change really.

Any mileage in getting a new key made, which she can use to lock up, let herself out and put through the letterbox? Or would she just forget to put it through the letterbox?

Really though even this line of thinking is ridiculous, she has a key, she should be expected to use it! If only your DH would sit down and have a chat with her about all this. With two options:

1. Get her to take more responsibility for herself and her visits, whereby she walks over/back at times she chooses and uses her key and have a casual drop in/out relationship where she fits around whatever you happen to be doing at the time.

1. If she doesn't want that as it's too much pressure on her to make those decisions, you as parents decide the drop off/pick up times and tell her what's happening on each visit like "we're all going out for Sunday lunch at 1pm" "we're going into town at 3pm on Sat" and she can join in or not.

That's a very good question and not one that I had really considered until now. It feels like he is taking the piss.

When you pick her up tonight ask her if she has her key, as she gets in the car. If she does not have it, send her back into her mum's house to get it. Slowly, surely and gently put boundaries and organisation into place that will help her be independent.

I feel for you DSD2 was just like this and oblivious as to how annoying it was to us and her DM. She just wanted to make everybody happy and was rather confused as to why everybody was frustrated with her.

I think you need to reclaim your weekends - without your dh if necessary. So on Saturday morning tell him you are heading out to the shops and for a coffee, does he want to come. If he texts his dd, wait a minute and then say "well I'm off". If he asks you to wait, tell him you'd prefer to go out, he can join you later if he wants. Then go. If it happens to suit you to pick up dd later that day, then do so. If you are out and about and can't do it just say it.

Maybe he needs to stick around to hear her plans, but you don't.

I agree with sweetbitters options. I bet DSD will want option 1 and who would blame her?

If she knows you have her back it will you and her against DH and his XW. Then DH can't keep whinging that it's all about him seeing DSD can he, when it's what she wants?

I have tried talking to her about the contact arrangements and she just fills up with tears and says her mum makes her come. DH says he doesn't want DSD's mum taking it out on her so she comes every Wednesday and Saturday, even though we all know she would rather just stay at home.

If she cant tell her dad her plans on a Friday night he tells her his. If she doesn't answer phone, then text on Friday and she has plenty of time to see/reply.

We are going out to xxxx on Saturday at 2pm would love you to come too, get here before 2, or let us know tonight and we can pick you up on our way out, if not let yourself in with your key and we'll see you when we get back around 5pm, dinner's at 6:30. Let me know what you are doing.

If you are consistent she'll soon learn and you'll be doing her a favour learning about being independent, organised and realising the world doesn't fit around her whims. If she doesn't bring her key tell her she needs to come with you or go when you are leaving. Be nice and offer a lift home, and tell her to keep her key on her key ring for next time.

Oh OP this sounds awful - and you sound quite lovely.

I think DH needs to take the lead and speak to DSD mum about all this.

Good luck.

I've definitely got DSD's back. I just want her to be happy, for us to have a normal relationship with her, where she doesn't feel strong armed into spending time with us. I don't like the expression "contact for contact's sake" but honestly if she arrives at 5.30pm we see her for maybe an hour or two and then she goes to her room. If this happens on a Wednesday night then she doesn't even see her dad in the morning as he has already left for work.

I have tried talking to her about the contact arrangements and she just fills up with tears and says her mum makes her come.

Why does she want to stay at home? What would she be doing? If she would be catching up with her friends she can do that from your house too surely?

WeAllHaveWings DH and I used to call them info messages. They work.

Shopping or lunch sound unexiting options. Why doesn't your DH cycle back and forth with her and on Sunday mornings do a longer route?

Would Dad take her out somewhere (on the bus/train/tram/taxi) on the contact days?

Compromise is the key. The girl is bored. Sorry but she does not want to be with Dad at home by the sound of things. Boring..... as teenagers say.

Workarounds are needed where OP doesn't need to be the permanent taxi.