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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say that step daughter can walk to our house

300 replies

youmayfoldunderquestioning · 19/07/2017 12:04

I'm being brave posting here, but I just thought sod it.

I am married to DH. He cannot drive. I have a DS who is 12 (soon to be 13) and a DSD who is 14, almost 15. DS and DSD go to the same school.

DSD lives with her mum, which is almost a mile from our house (0.9 miles to be precise).

DSD stays with us two nights a week, Wednesday and Saturday. Because she is a teenager she doesn't really want to come on a Wednesday but her mum stays at her boyfriend's on a Wednesday night so DSD stays with us.

DSD will not communicate what time she is coming to our house, whether this is on a Saturday or a Wednesday. On a Saturday she just texts when she is ready to be collected. I have to do the collecting because she doesn't like walking and if I said I wasn't picking her up then it is likely that she would not come at all. On a Wednesday her mum drops her off with us and collects her at 7am so that she can get ready for school.

DSD has recently decided that she wants to go home earlier on a Sunday (usually in the morning) but will not give us a time. So, for example last week her dad was asking her what her plans were for that day. She just did not respond and kept shrugging her shoulders. I eventually said to her that we just needed to know so that we could plan what we were doing for the rest of the day. We weren't trying to get rid of her because she could have come with us to where we were going but we knew that she wanted to go home. She just wouldn't give us a time. This happens every weekend.

Yesterday morning DH text DSD to see if she was coming tonight. She did not respond until 7pm to ask if I could pick her up on my way home from work. I had plans to work late tonight as we are short staffed. I asked DH why she couldn't just walk to our house after school but apparently I can just pick her up on my way home, no matter what time this is.

My DS walks everywhere and I almost never drive him anywhere, unless it is chucking it down and it's dark outside. Last Friday morning (DSD stayed on Thursday night as well as Wednesday and her mum could not pick her up on Friday morning) DS left home at 7.40 to walk to school with his female friend who is in the same year as DSD. DSD stayed with me and I had to drop her at home before I went to work.

I get on very well with DSD and I have no problem with her staying whenever she wants, even if this were full time. She's great fun and I like her a lot. I just want her to be more independent and I want DH to stop enabling her not to walk anywhere.

AIBU to be getting fed up with being used as a taxi?

OP posts:
pollymere · 20/07/2017 18:52

My dd has been walking that every day since the age of eight. Now 11, she does it on her own. Time to stop being a taxi. If your DH wants a taxi for his DD, they he can pay the £3-4 for one!

jessebuni · 20/07/2017 18:58

Not unreasonable. I would say you are more than happy to pick her up if you are either passing when she needs a lift or if she has given you a time in advance. If not then you are no longer planning your entire days around maybe/maybe not giving her a lift. She can walk. My DCs are 8 and 5 and I make them walk to and from school (obviously accompanied at this age) which is 2.2miles away on a regular basis. Most children from around 12 are walking places by themselves. It's all well and good to give her a lift if she's asked nicely in advance or if you happen to be passing but I would start saying no if it's last minute and you have other plans. You also need to explain this to DH probably several times to get it to sink in. Just explain you are happy to play taxi when it's convenient but not the way it is currently happening.

Cary2012 · 20/07/2017 19:09

I'd stop all this waiting for her to let you know weekend times for pick ups and drop offs. Just say, we are planning to do X,W and Z today. If you want a lift then be ready at 10, or at such and such time. Otherwise, make your own way.

And agree about the problem being your DH. His DD, stop enabling him in making this your problem.

DeadGood · 20/07/2017 19:14

Re Wednesday - you've said it yourself in the OP " if I said I wasn't picking her up then it is likely that she would not come at all."

Re Saturday and Sunday - make your own plans and tell her she has to fall in with them.

What am I missing?

Lovelymess · 20/07/2017 19:16

Get her a bike, problem solved

ADishBestEatenCold · 20/07/2017 19:28

"He cycles to and from work."

So why can't he buy his DD a bike and start accompanying her ('picking her up') by bicycle.

ADishBestEatenCold · 20/07/2017 19:33

"So let's say I'm at home, no plans, and DH asks me if I can pick DSD up. Is not wanting to a good enough reason?"

(Once you have explained that he should start accompanying his DD on bicycles) start arriving home (on DSD nights) and having a glass of wine, before you do anything else. Then when he asks you say "sorry, I've had a drink so I can't, but why don't you cycle across and meet her, then you can cycle back together".

thenightsky · 20/07/2017 19:35

OP has already said the cycle option has been suggested and the DSD said she hates cycling.

Mummymia2 · 20/07/2017 20:02

Definitely not being unreasonable at her age I was walking everywhere I walked 2 miles to school and the same back after school as well as walking 3 miles to swim 5 nights a week and back home at 15 please anytime I was going out with friends I either walked or got the bus!

Tell DH to learn to drive, failing that make her walk!!

MsMartini · 20/07/2017 20:05

OP, it sounds like you have handled this really well.

Teens do sit around and shrug a lot, particularly if they feel under pressure I think, and it does often mean some hanging around and rage if you want family time. The rigid contact arrangements and the lift business mean she can't do do this without causing disproportionate trouble and upset. I know two families who have got in similar binds and once the dc and parents got the hang of much more fluid comings and goings, things got a lot better. I hope they do for you, OP.

sandelf · 20/07/2017 20:14

Ooh, You need to be a bit too busy for this. Be a rules girl - happy and busy. Get on with life. She has got you dancing around her.

MsJudgemental · 20/07/2017 20:16

She is 14. She can walk a mile unaccompanied. They are both taking the piss.

Original poster
youmayfoldunderquestioning · 20/07/2017 20:27

bbismad If DSD was mine she would have been walking to school from when she was 11, it's summer, it's light outside, she has a mobile phone. She can walk to her dad's which is less than a mile from her home.

I don't ferry my DS about and he walks almost everywhere. It is NOT different because she's a girl. She's almost two years older than my son.

Sorry, but this sexist shite gets on my tits.

If the dynamics of a blended family were easy then I would have called time on the lifts months ago but unfortunately it's not easy when there are other factors at play.

OP posts:
Puffpaw · 20/07/2017 21:06

I think it would be good if dh walked to get her, they have chance for some one to one chat time on the walk back. So important with teenagers, and for their relationship

MissEliza · 20/07/2017 22:21

I can't believe she expects lifts and I get the strain on you but if everyone is getting along, I'd just leave it.

GlitteryFluff · 20/07/2017 22:36

Well done for talking to her and DH
Hope it's helped and things go smoothly from now on.

MaryLennoxsScowl · 20/07/2017 23:03

I'd be worried about why she doesn't want to see her friends at the weekend. At that age my friends and I were never out of each others' houses and we lived in the country and had to have lifts because some friends lived 15 miles away or more and there was no bus service! Is there any risk she is being bullied at school, are her friends cutting her out? Unless things have changed dramatically and this is normal for teenage girls nowadays? The poor kid seems unhappy. If you offer to invite her friends round for a sleepover, would she take you up on it? Or say she can go out all evening with them so long as she drops her night bag at yours first and is home for 10pm (or whatever is reasonable). And if she's late home at night, her dad tells her off or comes with you to drag her home from her mates - make it normal, like if she lived at home!

Also, make family plans and get her dad to say to her that you're all going swimming/ice skating/to the cinema - something fun for both teenagers, not something only adults would like - and don't give up if she moans, just insist she comes. Teenagers never admit to wanting to do anything, so don't get hung up on waiting for her approval. Also, ask her if she wants to bring a friend to some of these. Its not about bonding with her dad, it's about seeing yours as a home she uses as a base for having fun.

Her dad really, if he's to behave like a normal daily parent, should take up some annoying hobby and drag her to it even if she doesn't want to go. All my parental moments of bonding occurred when dad had dragged us up a mountain or made us garden/do DIY - something that didn't involve talking or asking what we'd like to do and that he was determined we'd all do. I'm being facetious there, but seriously, what does she like to do? Something relatively non-verbal is good, like going to the cinema (and then having a coffee after and asking what she thought of the film) or doing exercise of some kind. This would be better done just your DH and SD sometimes. Sitting about while a grown adult asked you what you wanted to do (or if you wanted to do something deeply uncool in your eyes) would drive me up the wall too!

Sparklyhousedust · 20/07/2017 23:17

I get that the Mum needs a life but I don't get that she has to have 2 child free nights a week at the expense of her DD? The girl sounds anxious- I seem to recall being 14 (through dim mists, I grant you) and I was at home a lot and felt worried about doing things by myself (thinking of the Ed Sheeran gig). I completely agree with the poster who talked about bonding during activities you'd never admit to enjoying- car shows, in my case. If anyone had let me I'd have stayed home and regretted it all day.
I think the OPs husband also sounds horribly anxious and as though he is relying (too heavily) on the support of his wife- of course things need to change but it seems unfair to write him off quite so harshly. I hope the visits get nicer for all of you OP. What a shame her Mum couldn't be persuaded to relax the schedule a bit. Would your DH talk to her?

Dianag111 · 20/07/2017 23:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Arkenfield3001 · 20/07/2017 23:29

At 14 she should be able to walk or cycle. I would put an immediate stop to being used as a taxi now, because if you don't this will carry on into adulthood and you will be at her beck & call all your life. My SIL (now 40) and her partner still expect my PIL to chauffeur them everywhere ! Good luck

SonicBoomBoom · 21/07/2017 04:09

Is she quite active on other days where she's not with you? Or is she lifted and layed by her mum everywhere too?

emmyrose2000 · 21/07/2017 05:03

My DH adores her and will do anything, even putting me out every time she comes, to ensure that he sees her

Anything except learning to drive. Unless there's a medical reason for it, I think it's pretty pathetic that a grown man doesn't know how to drive.

At the absolute very least, anytime you go to pick her up/drop her off (unless it's on the way home from somewhere else), make him come with you, so that he has to experience the annoyance of taking the time to do this.

monstiebags · 21/07/2017 06:01

She's a child. Tell her what time she will be picked up and dropped off.

moyesp · 21/07/2017 06:06

Dear youmayfoldunderquestioning, you gave the answer to your problem right at the end of what you said. Call a Taxi for her and let the father take the responsibility for paying it. Parenting is a shared thing after all and its you ladies in the family that are doing all the running around. As for DS have you warned him of the dangers of walking everywhere with so many abductions these days and if in inner city area. (you have not said). There is also gang related bulling. So can understand your concerned but its not like it was in our day. Teenagers are not safe walking anywhere anymore.

corythatwas · 21/07/2017 07:57

moyesp, if teenagers are not safe walking anywhere, and don't learn how to be as safe as possible, how on earth are they going to suddenly turn into safe adults on their 18th birthday? Even if they drive (which for young drivers may not be a safer option) they have still got to make it to the car park. Surely our job as parents is to help our teens function in society, not protect them from it?

And besides, where is the evidence that there are more abductions now than 50 years ago? Or more gang related bullying, for that matter? The 1960s weren't all sweetness and innocence.