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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say that step daughter can walk to our house

300 replies

youmayfoldunderquestioning · 19/07/2017 12:04

I'm being brave posting here, but I just thought sod it.

I am married to DH. He cannot drive. I have a DS who is 12 (soon to be 13) and a DSD who is 14, almost 15. DS and DSD go to the same school.

DSD lives with her mum, which is almost a mile from our house (0.9 miles to be precise).

DSD stays with us two nights a week, Wednesday and Saturday. Because she is a teenager she doesn't really want to come on a Wednesday but her mum stays at her boyfriend's on a Wednesday night so DSD stays with us.

DSD will not communicate what time she is coming to our house, whether this is on a Saturday or a Wednesday. On a Saturday she just texts when she is ready to be collected. I have to do the collecting because she doesn't like walking and if I said I wasn't picking her up then it is likely that she would not come at all. On a Wednesday her mum drops her off with us and collects her at 7am so that she can get ready for school.

DSD has recently decided that she wants to go home earlier on a Sunday (usually in the morning) but will not give us a time. So, for example last week her dad was asking her what her plans were for that day. She just did not respond and kept shrugging her shoulders. I eventually said to her that we just needed to know so that we could plan what we were doing for the rest of the day. We weren't trying to get rid of her because she could have come with us to where we were going but we knew that she wanted to go home. She just wouldn't give us a time. This happens every weekend.

Yesterday morning DH text DSD to see if she was coming tonight. She did not respond until 7pm to ask if I could pick her up on my way home from work. I had plans to work late tonight as we are short staffed. I asked DH why she couldn't just walk to our house after school but apparently I can just pick her up on my way home, no matter what time this is.

My DS walks everywhere and I almost never drive him anywhere, unless it is chucking it down and it's dark outside. Last Friday morning (DSD stayed on Thursday night as well as Wednesday and her mum could not pick her up on Friday morning) DS left home at 7.40 to walk to school with his female friend who is in the same year as DSD. DSD stayed with me and I had to drop her at home before I went to work.

I get on very well with DSD and I have no problem with her staying whenever she wants, even if this were full time. She's great fun and I like her a lot. I just want her to be more independent and I want DH to stop enabling her not to walk anywhere.

AIBU to be getting fed up with being used as a taxi?

OP posts:
stopfuckingshoutingatme · 21/07/2017 07:59

Tell your fucking DH to handle this life issue !

Original poster
youmayfoldunderquestioning · 21/07/2017 09:12

moyesp - I'm not sure where you live where there are all these abductions but we live in small market town, where it's perfectly safe to walk around, particularly in the summer months. DS is 12 but he's also 6ft tall so is reasonably unlikely to be abducted.

DSD has been offered loads of opportunities to do things with her dad on her own and she simply doesn't want to. She only agreed to the Ed Sheeran thing because I said I would go too. She says she prefers to spend time on her own but I'm not convinced that's entirely true. I don't know...it's not easy trying to make a real connection with a teenage girl who is obviously struggling. I don't want to make things any harder for her than they already are but all of this mollycoddling from her dad doesn't seem to be helping. If anything it makes it worse. If anyone tries to talk to her about anything even vaguely difficult she cries and that tends to shut down the conversation quite quickly because DH doesn't want to upset her.

OP posts:
Original poster
youmayfoldunderquestioning · 21/07/2017 09:14

I have spoken to DH about all of these issues many, many times, but the simple facts are that he tiptoes around her, in case she decides she's not coming round anymore. It's not right, but that's the way it is.

OP posts:
ShowMePotatoSalad · 21/07/2017 09:15

DH can walk to pick her up if she doesn't want to walk alone, ditto taking her back. Or he can pay for a taxi to pick her up/take her back.

Original poster
youmayfoldunderquestioning · 21/07/2017 09:20

Yes of course he could do those things but what about all of the other times where she has to get somewhere (not just to her dad's house). She's not just going to shuffle between her mum and dad's and school for the next two or three years. Presumably at some point she's going to go to other places too. Or is it acceptable for a young woman to be driven everywhere or to expect taxis every time?

OP posts:
dollypoodle · 21/07/2017 10:02

Teenagers are not safe walking anywhere anymore.

That's utterly ridiculous.

llangennith · 21/07/2017 10:45

OP I commented much further up the thread that you know what you should do but after reading the updates it's clear you're doing the best you can in an awkward situation. Any chance you could talk to your DSD and ask her how she feels about having to come to yours when her DM goes out? You could tell her you understand she doesn't always want to come over and would rather stay at her own home but it is what it is and what would make things work better for her. She's old enough to understand that you have a life too and don't always want to stop what you're doing to give her lifts all the time.

CauliflowerSqueeze · 21/07/2017 10:52

People walk about 3 miles an hour so she can walk round to yours in 20 minutes. It's a nothing. Of course she can do this.
Never ask her again what her plans are or when this or that is happening. Organise your own life and when she asks let her know how it will or won't fit in with your plans.

Well done on making a great first step!

GinaFordCortina · 21/07/2017 10:55

Less than a mile? And she's 14? I don't understand why you EVER drive her.

That. Worse case scenario dh can pay for a taxi.

RogueBiscuit · 21/07/2017 11:57

Your dh really needs to speak to her mum and put a stop to these forced visits. What's going to happen in a year when she goes to college?

MindWhirl · 21/07/2017 12:16

Tell dsd and dh its not on. Make your plans. Let dsd know when you're going and to let you know if she's coming and give her a time to be ready. If she doesn't answer give her a time to be ready to be picked up after your plans. If she isn't ready when you go pick her up tell her you will see her later when she walks to yours. You and dh need to set the boundaries.

Original poster
youmayfoldunderquestioning · 21/07/2017 12:19

DH has told DSD she can do anything she wants at the weekend, but we need some notice so that we can plan what we're doing. She promises that she will, but never does. He rings her and she doesn't answer her phone.

I told her on Wednesday that she must start answering her phone. For example we're going to Manchester to see Ed Sheeran. We've gone for standing tickets so that DSD and her friend (we've paid for all four tickets) can stand away from the old crusties. It was probably wrong of me but I asked her what happened at the gig in Manchester recently. She was obviously aware of the terror attack. I asked her what would happen if she and her mate were standing away from me and her dad and we noticed something was wrong and tried to ring her and she just ignored the call. I said that it was highly unlikely that something bad is going to happen but I was trying to impress on her the importance of answering her bloody phone!

And yes, her mother drives her everywhere. She even collects her from school on a Friday which is two streets away from where she lives.

Her teachers say that she is a bright (she is), popular girl so I have no idea why she just wants to sit in her bedroom all weekend. She has £25.00 paid into her bank account every week (DH gives her this money) so it's not like she couldn't afford to go to the cinema/whatever.

OP posts:
motherinferior · 21/07/2017 12:21

I have two teenagers. We live in a not very salubrious area of south-east London. Of course they walk everywhere.

I have not heard of a single abduction among their many also-walking friends. I'd be much more worried if they used Ubers, frankly.

motherinferior · 21/07/2017 12:25

And all the secondary school kids I know would be mortified to be driven to school. It would cut down on their scope for dawdling/chatting-up/gossiping and so forth...

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 21/07/2017 13:21

I think that there's a very real chance that she will just stop coming around. Having read your further posts, if she cried being 'forced' to come and see her Dad, then that's basically self centred manipulation on her part. And probably also normal for a teenager. But not to be encouraged.

But should you carry on driving her? No. At some point, the reality of the situation i.e. She just hasn't built up maturity to see her Dad as someone that she might have to make an effort with. Of course most kids need to back off from their parents too through later teenagehood, but she at 14 is too young to start doing this to the extent she won't come around on a regular basis if you stop driving her.

In a way, at least her mother has been insisting on regular contact - no teenager can fully understand how contact can be lost with a parent easily over time. My DPs daughters have stopped coming around. The result is he just does everything they ask, and they only ever get in contact if they want something. That's partly because I stopped enabling all the 'let's do everything in case they stop coming around.'

rosiejosie · 21/07/2017 15:05

Has she got a bicycle? Very trendy these days.

But if she dislikes walking so much, it's unlikely that the little snowflake would ride a bike.

Awfully difficult situation OP, you are stuck in the middle on tippy toes around both DP and DSD.

But I think you have handled it very well so far, you come across as a very caring person. But sometimes you have to put your foot down for your own sake.

Is there any particular (say health, vision etc.) reason your DP doesn't drive? If so that's fine, if he just doesn't bother, and wants you to do the taxi service, that's coming across to me as a bit presumptious.

Best of luck. I think you need to stand your ground.

thenightsky · 21/07/2017 16:15

*OP @ 17:15 ... 'She hates cycling. DH has offered to buy her a new bike but she said no.'

CouldntMakeThisShitUp · 21/07/2017 16:46

Yes of course he could do those things but what about all of the other times where she has to get somewhere (not just to her dad's house)

Why is that YOUR problem? It's your DH's issue to deal with and sort out - STOP doing it for him!!!
He has to be forced to deal with this and he won't if you keep pandering to them both.

HE needs to start behaving like a parent - HE should be doing the things you're doing for her!

If she stops coming round - that's on HIM!

lozzylizzy · 22/07/2017 18:22

Just make plans, if she doesn't want to go/not suitable she can walk home. Simple!

chipscheeseandgravy · 22/07/2017 18:51

Fuck that shit! If she wants a pick up (and your passing and it's convenient) yes of course collect her. If you text her at 10 am asking if she's coming and she doesn't contact you till 6 she would be walking (actually I'd give her till 11 to decide if she wanted to join in and do whatever was planned) if she doesn't respond let her know the spare key is under the mat and she can let herself in etc.
At that sort of age its not surprising that she doesn't want to hang out at her dads all weekend, but she needs to learn some manners and the world doesn't revolve around her.
I'd do the same if it was my child or a step child. 0.9 miles is not a long walk.

KarmaNoMore · 22/07/2017 19:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Seeingadistance · 22/07/2017 20:00

It does seem a real shame, from the point of view of father/daughter relationship, that your DH doesn't walk round to get her, and then walk back to yours with her.

That time together walking could be really precious, and a way to get to know each other much better.

themauvehen · 28/07/2017 16:35

Op - how are things going?

Tralalalalz · 28/07/2017 16:39

She's 14. If it's convenient then pick her up, if not, give her a key and tell her to get herself over to you when she's ready

Mysa74 · 02/08/2017 20:01

Hows it going OP? Any improvement?

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