To say that step daughter can walk to our house

[youmayfoldunderquestioning]

I'm being brave posting here, but I just thought sod it.

I am married to DH. He cannot drive. I have a DS who is 12 (soon to be 13) and a DSD who is 14, almost 15. DS and DSD go to the same school.

DSD lives with her mum, which is almost a mile from our house (0.9 miles to be precise).

DSD stays with us two nights a week, Wednesday and Saturday. Because she is a teenager she doesn't really want to come on a Wednesday but her mum stays at her boyfriend's on a Wednesday night so DSD stays with us.

DSD will not communicate what time she is coming to our house, whether this is on a Saturday or a Wednesday. On a Saturday she just texts when she is ready to be collected. I have to do the collecting because she doesn't like walking and if I said I wasn't picking her up then it is likely that she would not come at all. On a Wednesday her mum drops her off with us and collects her at 7am so that she can get ready for school.

DSD has recently decided that she wants to go home earlier on a Sunday (usually in the morning) but will not give us a time. So, for example last week her dad was asking her what her plans were for that day. She just did not respond and kept shrugging her shoulders. I eventually said to her that we just needed to know so that we could plan what we were doing for the rest of the day. We weren't trying to get rid of her because she could have come with us to where we were going but we knew that she wanted to go home. She just wouldn't give us a time. This happens every weekend.

Yesterday morning DH text DSD to see if she was coming tonight. She did not respond until 7pm to ask if I could pick her up on my way home from work. I had plans to work late tonight as we are short staffed. I asked DH why she couldn't just walk to our house after school but apparently I can just pick her up on my way home, no matter what time this is.

My DS walks everywhere and I almost never drive him anywhere, unless it is chucking it down and it's dark outside. Last Friday morning (DSD stayed on Thursday night as well as Wednesday and her mum could not pick her up on Friday morning) DS left home at 7.40 to walk to school with his female friend who is in the same year as DSD. DSD stayed with me and I had to drop her at home before I went to work.

I get on very well with DSD and I have no problem with her staying whenever she wants, even if this were full time. She's great fun and I like her a lot. I just want her to be more independent and I want DH to stop enabling her not to walk anywhere.

AIBU to be getting fed up with being used as a taxi?

If it is the case she's being chucked out, perhaps it would be helpful to tell her how you love having her around and she is great company.

Right. I told DSD in the car that I loved seeing her and looked forward to her coming over and staying the night but that it wasn't always convenient for me to pick her up and drop her off, particularly when it's at the last minute. I asked her what she thought about staying two nights a week and she basically said her mum makes her come. It's not that she doesn't like seeing us, it's that she wants it to be more flexible. I then spoke to DH and said no more lifts except in an emergency or bad weather and that he needed to speak to DSD's mum about relaxing the schedule a bit. He was a bit defensive but mostly ok and he agrees that he's trying too hard to please DSD in case she stops coming altogether.

We'll see what happens on Saturday. Ultimately DSD is not my daughter and I can only control what I do. If the same things happen at the weekend I'm off out.

Good for you!! Very well handled.

Ok you have your answer. Well handled and very perceptive that you realised the problem.

Yes of course your H would collect his DD but obviously it's easier for him to guilt you into collecting her. Like father like daughter.

For goodness sake, a lazy self absorbed teenager, stop the press! As a teen I'd prefer being ferried around but the option wasn't available, so it didn't happen. You don't have a DSD problem, you have a DH who has poor parenting skills problem.

You are responsible for your role in this dynamic and it appears to be, enabling your H's poor parenting skills by "letting" him guilt you into taking up his slack.

You have a choice and hand wringing isn't a particularly effective way of successfully dealing with this problem. Stand up for yourself woman and stop assuming responsibility for your H's poor parenting choices.

Maybe you should read the OP's recent update?

Well done for the chat.

Good for you, OP. I do feel for DSD; it's not surprising really that she acts out. But you need to reassert some boundaries and control, and it sounds as though you're doing so without alienating DSD or DH (too much!)

I have read the recent update but 'managing' her H's relationship with his daughter still appears to be the OP's responsibility. Rather than her H being a grown up and actually taking responsibility for the dynamic that exists between him and his daughter, the OP is still tasked with telling him what to do.

The cycle hasn't been broken and that's the problem, this time he's begrudgingly accepted that he needs to pull his finger out but the OP's been here before. Has it ever occurred to either of them that the dynamic that exists between them all, has essentially been driven by his behaviour and unless he acknowledge that, his default position will always be to push back on the OP to take up his slack.

There have been poor boundaries all around and that has invited the lack of respect. I hope it all works out but the OP's H needs to understand that if he wants the dynamic with his DD to change/ improve he can't keep putting the responsibility on others.

Isetan - you are spot on.

This is just a short term solution and not really adddressing the real problems which are deeper than who gives her a lift.

However, it doesn't sound like op dh is going to change so she has to do whatever she can to protect herself in this situation.

It's about putting her own boundaries in.

I think it's inevitable that there will be more issues like this and op will be left to sort them out.

She's got legs let her use them.

Tell her to take a taxi and let DH pay for it. Your a family which means you work together not take advantage or take for granted any family member. Which is what's happening to you. If she can't arrange a time before hand just say very sorry can't do and next to the one give me more notice

I'm sorry, but I think virtually every other poster here is taking a very superficial line on this. I am a stepmom of 17 years and have both kids and step kids, and the bottom line is that my step kids need different things from me and my husband than my kids do. They need more reassurance that they are important. They need more reassurance that they are a part of your family. They need more proof that you care about them. It sounds to me like when you stepdaughter asks you to care for her by giving her lifts she is seeking security and nurturing that she feels too old to ask for directly. It sounds like a bit of regression to me, and I personally would indulge it. It will stop when she feels more confident and secure in herself and her place in your lives. So I say keep giving her the lifts, but be a little more clear about your parameters. ("I'll be coming home about 8 tonight. Do you want me to stop on my way home?") I also think it's worth pushing a little more to include her in your Saturday and Sunday daytime plans, too. It may annoy her to have to do family things, but it's better than risking her not feeling like part of the family. Too much loving family time is better than too little. It also sounds like she is old enough to want to run her own schedule, but not really mature enough to handle it well you say she is a nice girl really, so I doubt she is deliberately messing with you. Two other things: 1) how about getting her a bike? a mile is nothing on a bike, and 2) if your husband is anything like mine he will have a large pool of divorce-guilt waiting below the surface to bubble up any time there is any sort of problem with his daughter, whether it's related to the divorce or not. I personally would consider having to drive a two mile round trip a few times a week a minor chore if it keeps my lovely husband's guilt at bay. I know it's more the irritation of SD not being more communicative and decisive about her plans, rather than the actual driving. I'm sure you were happy enough to drive her wherever when she was little. But as a stepmom I have learned to choose my battles, and choose very few of them. I would not choose this one I would ride it out, employing just a tiny bit more good natured firmness as to when lifts are available.

Why are you waiting for a 14 year old child to tell you...an adult when to pick her up?????Tell her what time you are coming or available, or give her a bus timetable and a house key!

Tell her a time too pick her up rather than waiting for her to tell you? Maybe a good middle ground? Then if she's not ready tell her she needs to walk.

I wouldn't get her unless it was dark apart from if I were riving past anyway. My own children travelled from 11 by train and bus to school and back every day. so walking less than a mile is no problem....like with many people though its common for the I know she will so why should I attitude to come out and as long as you keep jumping to the call it will continue....Just say I will pick you up at x or you walk I have a life plans and responsibilities too.

Seriously don't know what the issue is... you could have picked her up after work... sounds like you being awkward to me.

It is different for a girl... and I bet that if she was 'your' daughter you wouldn't have the same issue with her.

Buy her a bike for her next birthday!

Get a combination key box for outside your house so if she forgets her key she gets in!

I wish people would read the updates.

She should walk.

Can you and DH not be a bit more assertive with the communication.

On Saturday if you are out just send her a text saying, "We are at x, should be back at 4pm but remember your key just in case. xx"

Or offer lifts when they are convenient, "Im driving past at 6pm if you want a lift? xx"

Give her an option of "do you want to come with us on Sunday to x or go back to your mums, we are leaving at 10am.?" Rather than the open, when are you coming/going type thing- teenagers are crap at time management generally and she can probably pass a few hours without noticing if she's online.

Sounds like you've handled it really well OP!
I'd also guess that reassurance is part of this too, by DH and her Mum being more flexible around the stuff she really does want to be flexible on (2 nights a week) then you can be firm on the lifts..
Also sounds like quality time would be good so that she looks forward to seeing you all and WANTS to be with you all rather than hanging about with everyone asking her when she wants to go!
Too much treading on eggshells and too little honesty with DH EXW and DSD - they need a chat!

You've handled this well OP

How do you think she would respond to a "We know you would like a bit more flexibility in when you see us, so if you remember your key know you can come over any time you fancy instead of the set nights"? Or if her mum prefers set nights asking your DSD which nights she'd prefer those to be on?

I can see that you are a lovely step-mum to DSD.
You don't seem to resent the lifts - just the uncertainty.

Why not pick a lift time that suits you - so the end of Sunday. If she wants to go home earlier - let her but she takes herself.

Don't keep asking her about her plans. Let her choose for herself but not for you.

Poor kid - she's got such shitty biological parents!
Her mum prioritises shagging over her and her dad chooses not to parent.
THEY are letting their dd down and acting like irresponsible parents.
You need to step back from doing all the work re this - your DH has parental responsibility for his dd and he needs to step up and BE the parent. HE needs to do the mind-work and talk to his dd about contact being more flexible and HE needs to make those changes.....not issue orders to you.

He can always walk/cycle to pick her up - whatever their reasons for not doing so are THEIR problem to sort - not yours just because you drive.

My DH adores her and will do anything, even putting me out every time she comes, to ensure that he sees her
Is your dh an abusive and manipulative twat in other areas of your life as well?
Why on earth do YOU feel guilty when you don't even pander to your own son that way?
Is the real reason an underlying fear that your dh will leave you if you don't do everything he wants to keep him happy?

This isn't just a 'double standards' issue or a misogyny one - i think the real issue is that he's decided his child is more important than yours!
Although your ds has no issue with it yet, the blatant favouritism will start to affect him at some point.
What you need to keep reminding yourself is -
If it's good enough for your son it's good enough for your dsd
You want to treat the two dc as equally as possible

Your DH is basically saying that YOUR parenting style is shit and not good enough for his dd.
I'd be mightily pissed off with that.

Oh - and just because you have a car does NOT mean you do all the shopping etc.
Either he accompanies you and helps or he can get home delivery for shopping.

how is your ds relationship with his step-dad?
your DH comes across as a person who expects everything to revolve around him and his dd, and you and ds pay the price if you refuse.

Honestly though, what does he bring to your life really?