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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say that step daughter can walk to our house

300 replies

youmayfoldunderquestioning · 19/07/2017 12:04

I'm being brave posting here, but I just thought sod it.

I am married to DH. He cannot drive. I have a DS who is 12 (soon to be 13) and a DSD who is 14, almost 15. DS and DSD go to the same school.

DSD lives with her mum, which is almost a mile from our house (0.9 miles to be precise).

DSD stays with us two nights a week, Wednesday and Saturday. Because she is a teenager she doesn't really want to come on a Wednesday but her mum stays at her boyfriend's on a Wednesday night so DSD stays with us.

DSD will not communicate what time she is coming to our house, whether this is on a Saturday or a Wednesday. On a Saturday she just texts when she is ready to be collected. I have to do the collecting because she doesn't like walking and if I said I wasn't picking her up then it is likely that she would not come at all. On a Wednesday her mum drops her off with us and collects her at 7am so that she can get ready for school.

DSD has recently decided that she wants to go home earlier on a Sunday (usually in the morning) but will not give us a time. So, for example last week her dad was asking her what her plans were for that day. She just did not respond and kept shrugging her shoulders. I eventually said to her that we just needed to know so that we could plan what we were doing for the rest of the day. We weren't trying to get rid of her because she could have come with us to where we were going but we knew that she wanted to go home. She just wouldn't give us a time. This happens every weekend.

Yesterday morning DH text DSD to see if she was coming tonight. She did not respond until 7pm to ask if I could pick her up on my way home from work. I had plans to work late tonight as we are short staffed. I asked DH why she couldn't just walk to our house after school but apparently I can just pick her up on my way home, no matter what time this is.

My DS walks everywhere and I almost never drive him anywhere, unless it is chucking it down and it's dark outside. Last Friday morning (DSD stayed on Thursday night as well as Wednesday and her mum could not pick her up on Friday morning) DS left home at 7.40 to walk to school with his female friend who is in the same year as DSD. DSD stayed with me and I had to drop her at home before I went to work.

I get on very well with DSD and I have no problem with her staying whenever she wants, even if this were full time. She's great fun and I like her a lot. I just want her to be more independent and I want DH to stop enabling her not to walk anywhere.

AIBU to be getting fed up with being used as a taxi?

OP posts:
sweetbitter · 19/07/2017 12:48

Hmm. For the Saturday example, could you just plan your day as normal and tell her you can either pick her up at X or Y Time, whatever works around your plans? Eg before you go, or in-between two things, or once you're home. It's ridiculous sitting around wasting the weekend while you wait for her to decide what she's doing.

Do you think she's doing it on purpose to show you who's boss, or just being a generally self absorbed teenager who doesn't realise the impact her dithering has on you?

themauvehen · 19/07/2017 12:49

I think I'd start to make my own plans at weekends and if necessary, not include dp, if he's pandering and cajoling and making you hang around waiting for little princess's response.

DSD is ruling the roost and he's enabling it. You being understanding and nice is also enabling it.

It's hard with someone else's kid and to be honest you shouldn't have to do it, but I think you should take the bull by the horns and TELL her what time you're going out and that a lift is available at that time only.

BloodWorries · 19/07/2017 12:50

She's old enough to have a key and be home unsupervised, so unless there are other issues text her your plans and leave her to it.
If she wants a lift then it either has to fit in with your plans or her DM will have to provide.
Same on a Sunday. We are doing x,y and z. You can come with us, we can drop you off at 'time' or you can hang out here with DS/on your own as DS is coming/going whatever. Just give her your plans.
Always tell and remind her that if she wants to do something that all she needs to do is let you know and as her parent and step parent you will try to do it if it fits in with plans.

ItsNachoCheese · 19/07/2017 12:51

Tell her to stop being so bloody lazy and walk from now on. She wont melt by being made to walk

SapphireStrange · 19/07/2017 12:52

Well from that update, you and DH sounds like a pair of wet lettuces. Really pathetic

I have to agree with this. Why are you letting yourselves be dictated to by a teenager? Sort it out.

BraveBear · 19/07/2017 12:53

Every Saturday morning I ask DH what time DSD is coming. He texts her. No reply. We then can't plan to do anything on a Saturday because she "might" want to come at 2pm/4pm/6pm/not at all. She's decided she's not coming as late as 6pm, by which time the day has been wasted.

Make plans for you, or for you and DS and let your DH sit at home on DSD watch. Reclaim your Saturdays!

Rhubarbtart9 · 19/07/2017 12:53

At the weekends text her and say 'we are doing x at x time and then x. If you're coming over best aim for x time or x time. Or walk and use the key'

Maybe start by not taking her in in the morning. Leave early for work and prewarn her that you can't drive her.

Original poster
youmayfoldunderquestioning · 19/07/2017 12:54

It's DH's fault as he has mollycoddled her for her entire lift and her mum also gives her lifts everywhere. I am made to feel like the Big Bad Stepmum for even suggesting that she could, possibly, maybe walk somewhere.

OP posts:
blueskyinmarch · 19/07/2017 12:55

Give her a key and tell her to come when she is ready/wants to. Sorted.

themauvehen · 19/07/2017 12:55

And yes, I've had the gender differences thrown at me. Our kids school is 0.9 miles from our house. Statistically it's more dangerous for joys to be walking the streets than girls actually.

Ds has always walked. Dsd's get chauffeured by dp.

Dsd's are all diagnosed with vitamin d deficiency and are all very unfit.

Ds isn't.

Long term, this does no-one any favours.

rizlett · 19/07/2017 12:55

Aside from the taxi service issue - which isn't your responsibility you have the issue of dsd not wanting to be organised or commit to a time.

I think you are giving her too much control. You're the adults - give her a time to come over and a time to go back - and demonstrate that it's easier for everyone if there is a routine - you can't be waiting around for her to decide what to time to do things all the time.

Of course it's fine too for her to learn the art of negotiation and sometimes change the time with your agreement.

lilujay · 19/07/2017 12:56

This reply has been deleted

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Original poster
youmayfoldunderquestioning · 19/07/2017 12:56

She's got a key. She just never brings it with her. It's not on her own bunch of keys and she leaves it at home.

OP posts:
MaidOfStars · 19/07/2017 12:56

almost two miles

Is he generally healthy and mobile? This should not be challenging.

Think of the environment, Think of the benefits of walking. Think of getting some daylight and sun and a nice time to chat. All these things are very beneficial.

Longtime · 19/07/2017 12:57

She has you all wrapped round her little finger as she knows your dh will do anything to have her there. It's not on. I'd tell dh he needs to agree a specific time with her every Saturday for pick up and every Sunday for drop off so that you can make your own plans. Failing this, he should agree a specific time by which she needs to tell you when she is coming. Beyond this time, you presume she isn't coming and do what you want. If she really wants to see your dh, she will agree to this or walk to yours even.

Justgivemesomepeace · 19/07/2017 12:59

I would just plan your day and if she wants a lift that's fine as long as it's before x time or after y time. Other than that she can walk over. My dd(14) would try this when she was a bit younger and I think it was her way of trying to be in control and dominate our plans. I would give her a time and she would still push it to make us late and stress everyone out. I'm much less flexible and accommodating now, make it clear I'm going her a favour and if those times don't suit, tough.

Jenna43 · 19/07/2017 12:59

I think you should be setting the times from now on. You tell her you can collect her at X time and that's it. You should not be wasting a whole day sitting waiting for her to pick a time.

RoganJosh · 19/07/2017 13:00

I agree with sweetbitter - so tell her that you'll be around and 4pm (or whatever) if she wants a lift, otherwise she can make her own way over.

vanillabeannoel · 19/07/2017 13:00

I definitely wouldn't be hanging about all day on Saturdays waiting for a reply as to what time she's coming. I'd text/call her in the morning to ask, if no reply, then text again and say you're off out, she's welcome to come etc but if not you'll let her know when you're home and she can come over then! That's just crazy wasting your day to then find out she's not coming.

BellyBean · 19/07/2017 13:01

I agree she's old enough to have a key and be home alone. So you ask her for a time, and try to work around that time if not too difficult. If she refuses to give a time quickly enough, you offer x time or y time and she can walk and let herself in if not convenient for her.

JigglyTuff · 19/07/2017 13:01

"Hmm. For the Saturday example, could you just plan your day as normal and tell her you can either pick her up at X or Y Time, whatever works around your plans? Eg before you go, or in-between two things, or once you're home. It's ridiculous sitting around wasting the weekend while you wait for her to decide what she's doing."

Yes, do this but don't tell her when you'll pick her up unless it's convenient (ie 'we'll be coming home at X so can pick you up on the way past. Otherwise, you have a key and if you want dinner, we're eating at Y'). So only collect her if you're already out in the car. And she can go straight to school from your house. Why are you dropping her home before school?

thereallochnessmonster · 19/07/2017 13:01

This isn't adding up. You say you

get on very well with DSD and I have no problem with her staying whenever she wants, even if this were full time. She's great fun and I like her a lot.

but also

if I said I wasn't picking her up then it is likely that she would not come at all

DSD has recently decided that she wants to go home earlier on a Sunday (usually in the morning) but will not give us a time. She just did not respond and kept shrugging her shoulders

Doesn't sound like all is harmonious in your house.

You need to step up and parent. She's 14 - she can walk to yours and walk to school. Stop pandering to her. Tell her when you can pick her up/drop her off. Make sure she knows timings for the weekend - 'I'll drop you off at your munm's at 5. Let's go to the xxx today' and don't let her get away with silly shrugging.

BrokenBattleDroid · 19/07/2017 13:02

If you're happy to do lifts at times that suit you (and I realise that's a big if!) you could say a lift will be available at x time, otherwise you'll have to walk.

Clandestino · 19/07/2017 13:02

You sound really ridiculous. OK, she's 14, so her idea of a commitment is slightly different from yours but that's normal.
What you need to do, however, is talk to her mother and have a firm schedule set up, i.e. : Saturday - if she's not there till let's say 10.00, you have plans and are off so she has to stay with her mother. It's just as up to her mother to enforce the schedule adherence as it's up to her father.

thereallochnessmonster · 19/07/2017 13:03

And don't sit around all day waiting for her!! If necessary, you go out somwhere in your car, have a fun day and let your dh mope around at home waiting for her. he needs to grow a pair!

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