To say that step daughter can walk to our house

[youmayfoldunderquestioning]

I'm being brave posting here, but I just thought sod it.

I am married to DH. He cannot drive. I have a DS who is 12 (soon to be 13) and a DSD who is 14, almost 15. DS and DSD go to the same school.

DSD lives with her mum, which is almost a mile from our house (0.9 miles to be precise).

DSD stays with us two nights a week, Wednesday and Saturday. Because she is a teenager she doesn't really want to come on a Wednesday but her mum stays at her boyfriend's on a Wednesday night so DSD stays with us.

DSD will not communicate what time she is coming to our house, whether this is on a Saturday or a Wednesday. On a Saturday she just texts when she is ready to be collected. I have to do the collecting because she doesn't like walking and if I said I wasn't picking her up then it is likely that she would not come at all. On a Wednesday her mum drops her off with us and collects her at 7am so that she can get ready for school.

DSD has recently decided that she wants to go home earlier on a Sunday (usually in the morning) but will not give us a time. So, for example last week her dad was asking her what her plans were for that day. She just did not respond and kept shrugging her shoulders. I eventually said to her that we just needed to know so that we could plan what we were doing for the rest of the day. We weren't trying to get rid of her because she could have come with us to where we were going but we knew that she wanted to go home. She just wouldn't give us a time. This happens every weekend.

Yesterday morning DH text DSD to see if she was coming tonight. She did not respond until 7pm to ask if I could pick her up on my way home from work. I had plans to work late tonight as we are short staffed. I asked DH why she couldn't just walk to our house after school but apparently I can just pick her up on my way home, no matter what time this is.

My DS walks everywhere and I almost never drive him anywhere, unless it is chucking it down and it's dark outside. Last Friday morning (DSD stayed on Thursday night as well as Wednesday and her mum could not pick her up on Friday morning) DS left home at 7.40 to walk to school with his female friend who is in the same year as DSD. DSD stayed with me and I had to drop her at home before I went to work.

I get on very well with DSD and I have no problem with her staying whenever she wants, even if this were full time. She's great fun and I like her a lot. I just want her to be more independent and I want DH to stop enabling her not to walk anywhere.

AIBU to be getting fed up with being used as a taxi?

Or, and I know this is controversial, she could walk, or meet her dad halfway.

I'm telling them both tonight, after I've spoken to DSD, to not even ask me for lifts. If I offer, fine, but don't ask me.

*Urgh I hate men that can't drive.

I can't drive due to my disability, feel free to hate me grin*

Obviously I don't hate people who can't drive due to disability or any other legitimate reason. Next time I'll remember to add that caveat.

I personally think that it is very emasculating to expect your wife to ferry you / your kids around.

I was joking clueless.

I'm telling them both tonight, after I've spoken to DSD, to not even ask me for lifts. If I offer, fine, but don't ask me.

Good for you. Stick to your guns.

Part of being a good parent is taking responsibility.

If he doesn't want to learn to drive, he can't just delegate the job to someone else.

Step up and learn or actually accept that walking will teach his daughter a variety of positive messages.

sweetbitter I think kids have one "home" when there are separated parents. Obviously this doesn't apply where it's 50/50 care but mostly there is an NRP and they see their child once or twice a week.

My DS see my ex-husband, his dad, every day for one hour after school. He pops in to see his dad on his way home. They have a chat and maybe some chips together. DS also stays overnight once a fortnight. This is enough for him. His "home" is wherever I live. Contact has become more frequent but is less formal if you see what I mean.

I think that DSD wants that type of arrangement but doesn't want to upset her mum or dad so she's showing her displeasure in other ways, i.e. not walking round herself and not making decisions/telling people what her plans are.

i think the driving /lifts is a red herring- its the fact that she doesn't want to come that would bother me. You live close enough that surely she can see her friends at yours - instead she seems to be stuck in a routine that means that she has to spend saturday evenings with her family.I think you need to find out what she wants to do and find a schedule that works- does she have her own room at yours? why can't she do the chilling thing in your house?

YADNBU. Text or speak to both together and tell them the way they are treating you is taking the mick expecting you to drop everything and never make plans. Say time arranged 24 hours in advance end of discussion. Or no lifts.

Yes she has her own room with a big double bed, sky tv etc. She's always welcome, hence the key but even when her mum drops her off she rings the doorbell, despite both me and her dad telling her to just walk in.

It worries me that she never sees her friends at weekends but she says she would rather chill in her room at her mums.

I think you are kind, thoughtful, reasonable and used to bending over backwards for everyone else and neglecting yourself and what you make your life easier and happier.

Drawing some lines in the sand and starting to stick up for right to choose how you spend your time doesn't mean you're any less of a kind person, or love your DH or DSD less, or anything bad at all. It just means you love and value yourself enough to put your needs above bottom of the list.

It's probably not going to down without some drama, probably from your DH who's likely to kick off about you being mean and punishing DSD, or some such rubbish. The thing is, you KNOW you're in the right and he's being unreasonable. So there's nothing to discuss and he doesn't have a right to tell you you're wrong or how you're going to behave so his life is easier.

It sounds like for far too long he's been acting the Disney dad while you've been doing all the leg work. The way you describe it says everything - "he makes sure she eats whatever she likes", "he doesn't want her to walk so she has to have a lift". Bollocks. You're doing all the shopping and driving and he's getting all the credit!

He can carry on treating her like she's five. But make sure he's the one actually doing the annoying, expensive, hassly side of the pandering. Maybe when he's dashing round on his bike like a blue arsed fly trying to track down her special dinners, or paying of endless taxis, he'll change his tune. But if he doesn't well at least it's not having as much of an impact on you.

Stick to your guns woman.

I know people who can't drive because of a disability. They are fine.
It's the cheeky gits who don't have a car or haven't learnt to drive but expect car drivers to provide a free taxi service who annoy me.

Yes I mean you so-called friends who invite me to things just so that you get a lift.

Dear God, I would stop picking her up/dropping her off unless it you were going in the right direction at the time.

If you DH thinks his DD can't possibly walk between houses alone, he can walk over and collect her/walk her home. Or buy her a bike. Or buy her a scooter.

But honestly, this is ridiculous.

Mike,

I've been in that situation with non driving friends.

You end up never quite sure if they want your company or just a lift.

To be fair, it doesn't sound as though DSD is any happier with the current arrangements than OP is.

When you talk to her OP I would start be asking her what SHE would like to happen and then you work on a plan TOGETHER to make things easier for both of you.

If DH and his ex have to up their game then that's as it should be as they are in fact the parents.

The set up DS has for seeing his father sounds ideal, and I can understand why DSD would prefer that. What I don't understand is why DH, who allegedly would do anything (other than walking a mile or two, or learning to drive) to make DSD happy, is refusing to do what she actually wants? Maybe the two of you together can make him see sense?

You are painting a very unpleasant picture of this man. Do you come last in other areas of your life together?

I totally get this. My DSDs live half a mile away and still never bother to walk round. My DP collects them every time and they are now adults. So be warned, don't put your foot down and it will not change!

A few things stick out for me which I find similar

• the threat of 'not coming around' - which means that you and DP end up bending over backwards. My DSDs have carried this through, basically not coming around unless there is something in it for them. But that is going to be their whole relationship now with DP - they don't see their Dad as worth just being around for.
• The lack of any respect or cooperation from DSD that other people, ie you and her Dad, does need to know what her plans are. That's true of step children or children. It's just basic but for some reason, with step children it can be seen as 'not letting them feel at home'. Tip toeing around what is just a normal dynamic, teenagers tend to be like this but parents then usually tend to demand a little cooperation. It's normal and fine.

Good luck!

anneloves this is spot on. I feel guilty saying no more lifts but it's not going to stop me saying it.

OP when she comes over does she actually spend time or seem interested? It sounds like she could be bored, in general of the routine. Does she go out with her friends when shes there or is she happy to just go out/have a takeaway with you guys?
When I was that age I never liked feeling restricted, school felt rigid enough. I enjoyed being able to just nip to town or cinemas with friends on a Saturday or something. As I'm sure most teens are that way.

I think you're right in that she may want to change her routine so she could have flexibility to see her friends when she fancies. It could be worth asking her rather than 'telling' her you wont be giving her lifts. Ask if she enjoys the set up now, or if she'd prefer something different.
Depending on what DH and her mums relationship is like, maybe her mum could be flexible with which days she needs to herself too?
From what you've said, I dont agree with PP that she could be taking the piss, as you've not mentioned her being rude or anything just non-commital. She sounds like she doesnt want to offend anyone, particularly the example of when shes ready to go home on a Sunday but takes her 2 hours say anything.
Instead of saying 'no', because I get you dont want to come across as nasty, could you maybe mention you've got plans for yourself the next time Sunday morning? Maybe you're going to get your haircut, or meeting a friend for coffee and see how she responds. She might offer to make her way home herself and you can take it from there.

Urgh I hate men that can't drive.

My DH won't learn to drive because he has crippling anxiety and even the thought of it makes him panic. The fact that you find it emasculating says more about you than it does my DH.

What does she do if you do make a decision on the time she comes, what she eats, where you all go together on Sunday etc? Does she act up? You haven't implied anywhere that she does, just that she doesn't always answer when you want a decision from her.

I would absolutely have hated being a teen and expected to take all responsibility in this way, I have friends now who still hate choosing where we're going to meet etc. Some people find it really stressful being faced with all the decisions. I think you are making everyone miserable by always putting it on her, she might feel more parented to be told. You need to try it, not have a waffly conversation where she is tasked with you stopping you frittering away your weekend on her behalf.

My friend's dh suddenly developed epilepsy at 18 around the time when he was thinking about driving lessons. It was pretty bad until under control and apparently he was having multiple daily seizures. He decided the risk to drive was too high and has never learned. I totally respect this choice. There are indeed many reasons as to why someone doesn't drive. However, as op doesn't know why, it is also fair to assume there may be no reason for her dp never learning.

They just want a lift. If you offer a lift that's up to you but I've had things like a cheeky mum pestering me to give lifts to her young son when her house was in the other direction, a friend asking me if I fancied going shopping in a different town then just picking up one large item and demanding to be taken home.

Quite happy to offer lifts to real friends, even if they don't drive.

I think not driving and not having a car would be a dealbreaker.

I am 100% certain that she is not happy with the current arrangements. I think she feels forced out of the house by her mum and guilt tripped into coming to see her dad. It's all so rigid for her. She never, ever sees friends at the weekend.

Last weekend she stayed from Wednesday until Sunday morning as mum was away. Her dad told her that she didn't have to stay with us all weekend and that she could go and see her mates, but she said no.

I have no issues whatsoever with her being with us. She's not rude to me, although she's a bit lippy with her dad sometimes (normal). She's no trouble whatsoever. The worst thing she does is leave her towel on the bathroom floor after her bath. I've no complaints in that direction and I know I'm really lucky to have such a good relationship with her. I don't get involved in trying to "mother" her. As far as she's concerned I'm just youmayfoldunderquestioning, not her mum, not a parent, but someone who's there and looks after her when she's with me. I don't force myself on her and we get on very well as a result.

Relations between DH and his ex are somewhat frosty but not out and out war. They speak and are civil but I think DSD is trying to keep both parents happy, when this is not possible for her. And to be honest it isn't her job to make them happy.

I agree with AnneLovesGilbert's pp.

I feel compelled to defend myself on the non-driving front!

I don't drive and I can't plead disability or any other real reason.
I NEVER EVER expect a lift, get people with cars to run round after me, pester anyone or generally treat friends or family as a free taxi service.